gagal di dunia tidak bermakna gagal di akhirat...
berjaya di dunia tidak bermakna berjaya di akhirat...
namun...
bukankah dunia itu jambatan ke akhirat?

another few minutes to reach new year 2003... what is my new year resolution? still... i'm having vague ideas about it... i guess 2003 is just like the other years... of course there will be some ups and downs... sweet and sour... bitter and salty...hot and cold... blues and bubbliness... errrmmm... let me lay down for awhile to reflect and ponder about life and my new year resolution... the past... the present... and the future... happy new year all!

a note to my beloved...

be strong okay... we are in the same boat... it is okay if nobody understands us because we know and understand ourselves better... i know you can do it... i will survive remember? we will indeed survive... a failure is just another step to success... listen to your heart... steadfast... bumi mana yang tidak ditimpa hujan... namun walaupun basah ditimpa hujan... bumi itu pasti akan menjadi segar dan menjanjikan kehijauan yang mendamaikan... insyaAllah...

burppp... alhamdulillah... sudah jejak pukul satu pagi... aku masih belum tidur kerana terkedang kekenyangan... huishhh... ramai betul orang yang datang tapi tiada rakan sebaya... kanak-kanak ramai la... burrriinngg... hehehe... satay best... rendang best... ketaput best... segala-galanya best... alhamdulillah sekali lagi...

esok siang aku belum pasti apakah rancangan aku... tapi yang pastinya aku tidak jadi ke jaybee... yea... yea... lega tak payah berkemas dan bersusah payah membosankan diri di jaybee... opppsss... tak larat nak ketuk keyboard lagi... segala kekenyangan sudah menular ke jari jemari... vokkeh! kroohhhhh time!

p/s: sahabatku, selamat bertugas di tempat baru! majulah bangsa untuk bangsa!

malam ini ada party potluck hari raya di rumah aku... disebabkan ini bukan party aku maka tiadalah kawan-kawan ku yang menghadirinya... hehehe... :p :p koncu-koncu mafia jabatan pendidikan yang diketuai oleh ayah aku telah menganjurkan party ini di rumah ayah aku... bukannya apa... sebagai menghormati ayah aku sebagai ketua mafia yang akan bersara tahun hadapan... kenapa aku gelarkan makan-makan ini sebagai party? sebab utamanya ialah kerana ada punch buah-buahan... bukan ke punch hanya disediakan di party-party? hehe... lame reason kan? hehehe... orang yang bakar satay pun dah datang... punch dah siap... air mata aku kucing panas pun dah ayah aku rebus... tinggal tunggu memember yang lain datang membawa bahagian masing-masing... yehaaa! bestnya... nak makan... yea... yea..

ayah aku ketua unit dadah di melaka ni... unit dadah ni secara jolokan lucunya dikenali sebagai unit mafia... hehehe... ayah aku la yang khabor... tapi sedih sikit malam ni sebab dila dan arif tak dapat pulang bersama kami di sini... esok mereka ada kelas... leceh nak ponteng kelas ni... mak aku pun tak bagi mereka ponteng... hmmm... tapi kenapa aku dulu boleh jek ponteng kelas... hehehe...

krisis aku belum reda... sepanjang hari aku majuk yang tak berkesudahan... aku tak kemana-mana hari ini... nak cari kinohimitsu pun malas nak keluar... tengoklah nanti... aku ni seperti mengharapkan buah yang tak gugur... payah betul dapat adik-adik yang berpersonaliti kompleks ni... uhhh... hehehe... now now... look who's talking... hehehe... tama taja...

okehlah... aku nak bersiap-siap menganggunkan diri... biasalah nih... nak bersosial dengan kawan-kawan ayah la katakan... hehehe... bye for now... ta ta...

sedarah dan sedaging tidak semestinya seudara...

aku masih tensi dan emosi... aku masih belum benar-benar pulih... suara pun masih sengau semacam... hari ini hari mandom sedunia... aku tidak ke mana-mana mahupun ke perkahwinan sepupuku di merlimau... cuma baru sebentar tadi aku memandu pusing-pusing di sekitar jasin menghidu udara malam dan mencari sekelumit masa untuk bersendiri dan juga secebis ketenangan...

ermmm... aku pun keliru dengan apa yang sedang aku fikirkan... baik aku logout dahulu sebelum aku bertambah keliru... selamat malam dunia!

i hate it when people nag... as if i don't have my own mind, my own feelings and my own needs... bla... bla... bla... exactly like birds chirping in the morning... at least the sound of birds chirping is more pleasant... really feel like kicking that noisy human birdie... urgghh... that's what i've repeatedly said before... i'm not my own life's director... my life is directed by others' wants and whimsicals... mummy don't do this do that... along do this don't do that... eliza do this not that... now i am really confused... who am i? mummy or along or eliza... i believe i don't want to be them all... let me be somebody else... ika kamarulaini? yuckie... that sucks... personality crisis huh? you bet...

you have had your own perfect life... i guess... that doesn't give you the slightest right to throw in more mess in my already chaotic life... you said that you are a sensitive person... ironic isn't it... you are not as sensitive as you claimed to be... what i need now is a good listener... somebody who is willing to listen and reserve the nags... you can only see... but the weight of it really is on my shoulders... not yours... try to be in my shoes and let us see whether you are able to carry the burden or not... it is easy to throw words at others but it is definitely not easy if you are me...

i might sound malignant when writing this but it comes from my sane mind and heart... true... it is not easy being me...

anyway, the kinohimitsu is working... i manage to extract loads of toxic waste right through my feet... tonite... i will paste kino again... i hate to think about the above in details... further look at it might create deeper cuts in me... let it passes through... at least i will not suffer a high blood pressure to ponder about minute stuff like that... the weather today is really dreadful... gloomy from morning until night... the reflection of my feelings for the whole day i guess...

i have to find some musings to heal the pain... behold! an unknown stranger is dragging him/her self to the doors... looking for the right door to open... the yellow one on the right... the red one on the left... the white one infront... and... the grey one behind.... which one is the correct door?

tenswee... tenswee... i can't bring my eyes to their definite closure... i can't sleep... sweating all over... trying to count feathers but no luck with it... so here am i ended up in this cyberspace once again... blewppp... pathetic... imsonia has come again... no wonder my fever has extended over a longer period of time... it is all because of the restlessness and the lack of sleep... okay... it is three in the morning... hmmm... let me see... what shall i do next... try to drug myself with paracetamols... no way huzey! ermmm... how about a glass of warm milk... it might work... okay... let me try that... may i manage to get some sleep!

al-Fatihah buat aruah... ayah kepada rakan seperjuanganku yang telah meninggal dunia hari ini... semoga aruah ditempatkan di kalangan mereka yang memperolehi kejayaan... amin...

lantas... membuatkan aku terkesima dan berfikir...

hidup ini hanya sementara... kita tidak tahu bila kita akan dipanggil untuk mengadapnya... mati itu adalah pasti... wajib... hanya kita yang tidak tahu bila, di mana dan dengan cara apa... kadang-kadang sesetengah manusia apabila dihadapkan dengan permasalahan maka mereka akan menginginkan kematian... manusia-manusia itu ingat kematian adalah jalan penyelesaian yang terbaik... ada yang mencabut nyawa dengan bermimpi bahawa mereka adalah superman... ada yang inginkan rekod di dalam ripley's believe it or not maka mereka telah meneguk cuka getah bergelen-gelen... ada yang ingin menderma darah kepada saluran paip dengan menyelar sahaja urat nadi mereka... ada yang melebihi aksi alex yoong dengan memandu secara merbahaya di jalanan... berbagai-bagai cara untuk menuju kematian... sang algojo seolah dipaksa untuk melaksanakan tugas sebelum waktunya...

setiap masalah pasti ada penyelesaian yang waras... hanya tertakluk kepada kita untuk merenung, bertafakur, berusaha dan bertawakal untuk mencari jalan penyelesaiannya... penyelesaian yang penuh dengan keimanan dan ketakwaan... manusia bukan diciptakan dengan sia-sia... kita mempunyai tugas, tanggungjawab dan amanah di muka bumi yang sementara ini... kita adalah khalifah... khalifah di dunia ini dan hamba di sisiNya... mudah untuk menyata tetapi tidak mudah mudah untuk mengota... satu tugas yang amat berat... tidak terpikul dek hati yang lemah, jiwa yang terikat dan iman yang tipis...

manusia itu sememangnya mudah alpa... perlu disentak dan diperingati dari masa ke semasa... aku sendiri insan biasa... mudah lupa mudah alpa... menginginkan kepastian yang tak kunjung tiba... perlukan usaha berganda untuk terus mencarinya... itu aku... aku yang di dalam kekeliruan yang tidak terperi... tidak keruan... perasaan tidak menentu...

hari ini ramai pula yang menghubungi aku... merindui aku... hehehe... aku pula masih tidak sihat... berkat kedegilan aku yang tidak mahu membaham dadah... aku degil kerana kepercayaan aku pada pemulihan semulajadi amatlah utuh... cukup dengan ubatan tradisional, muhasabah dan berselawat... kepercayaanku yang aku sendiri sahaja mampu memahaminya... tersirat seribu rahsia dan misteri... hehehe... tadi aku ke jj membeli kinohimitsu... dan nyah saja engkau toksin... hehehe...

opppssss... aku perlu beradu kekuatan mata awal malam ni... esok banyak agenda menarik... namun kepastian agenda tersebut masih belum ada kepastiannya... let us move with the flow... shall we?

hari ini aku pengsan lagi... selsema belum benar-benar pulih... kepala pun masih pusing...

semalam... walaupun masih belum cukup sihat aku telah ke kl sekali lagi untuk menghantar adik iparku ke bukit bintang... selepas zohor kami bertolak dari melaka... hari mendung... aku pun membawa kereta angah dengan tepoten poten... destinasi pertama ke uia gombak hantar ration karipap sadin, tepek dan macaroni pada apop... opppsss.. dan juga ikan pekasam untuk orang-orang taman samudra... hehehehe... destinasi kedua ke uia pj hantar the same ration pada arob... lerrr... takde pulak mamat ni pergi main bowling kat midvalley la pulak... destinasi ketiga ialah bangsar untuk kami mentekedarah... hehehe... layan giant jus, nasi goreng, sop ayam, chicken chop dan fries... burpppp... alhamdulillah... maghrib menjelma... destinasi keempat... hotel federal bukit bintang... nasib baik aku terel area kehhel nih sekali pusing jek dah jumpa tapi... aku mamai masa nak keluar semula ke highway... tepoten poten la buat u-turn depan klcc... nak buat camno perut dah kenyang sangat mata pun mengantuk la... hik hik hik... destinasi kelima... warta bangi untuk menjutawankan lanun-lanun cetak rompak serta melabur duit di guardian... aku suka cari bebenda best untuk kesihatan ni... destinasi keenam... little loo at miot's... hehehe... amik maniobi aku kat umah ateh miot... buhsan... buhsan... aku kena memandu balik sensorang... angah kebas "chicken" untuk dijadikan sebagi co-pilotnya... aku? apalagi kami terpaksa berhenti di rr seremban untuk cari jajan penghilang buhring aku... hehehe... after miot's memang kami dah tak larat dah... nampak katil ajek depan mata... jadiknya... pergi satu kereta balik dua kereta... tepoten poten memotong di antara satu sama lain meredah kegelapan malam di lebuhraya yang pastinya sudak muak melihat muka aku ni... sampai rumah... pengsan? hehehe...

tadi aku menerima satu berita buruk dan memeranjatkan... apalah jenis manusia mereka ni... kiranya hendak merompak rompak sahajalah... ini tidak... ada orang yang telah dicederakan... rumah mereka telah dimasuki oleh lima orang perompak pada waktu dinihari... mereka telah dipukau... pakcik telah ditetak leher dan tangannya... makcik diikat di kerusi dan anak lelaki mereka juga telah diikat... alhamdulillah... pakcik tidak begitu parah... ishhhh... marah betul aku... bengang betul aku... kenapa? kenapa? kenapa? aku sedih melihat ragam manusia dewasa ini... pelik-pelik belaka... mata dikaburi oleh kepentingan harta... nafsu tidak terbendung... agama menjadi bahan olokan... backstabbing... fitnah... sungguh menyesakkan...

sahabatku... bersabarlah banyak-banyak... sesungguhnya mereka-mereka yang menganiayai keluargamu itu akan pasti menerima pembalasan yang setimpal... tidak di sini di sana nanti... bersabarlah sahabatku...

Merry Christmas! Beberapa saat lagi untuk mencecah 25 Disember... Selamat Hari Natal Cindy Mundt dan Roy!

Disember 2002 sememangnya satu bulan yang sibuk... sibuk dengan aktiviti sosial dan percutian bersama keluarga dan rakan-rakan. Di samping itu terlalu banyak kerja yang perlu dilangsaikan sebelum menyambut tahun baru. Buku kira-kira perlu dikemaskini. Hutang piutang perlu dilangsaikan. Segala-galanya perlu diperkemaskan... kerja-kerja akademik, dapur yang berselerak dengan pinggan mangkuk kegunaan perayaan, fikiran yang berserabut dengan segala tunjahan perasaan dan pertanyaan, diri yang tidak keruan... segalanya amat perlu diperkemaskan. Kalendar Masehi akan bertukar. Perubahan mungkin diperlukan...

Aku tidak perlu bebelan si kakaktua... Aku tidak perlu masyarakat memahami diriku... Aku tidak perlu disanjung... Aku tidak perlu dikasihi dan disayangi... Aku tidak hebat. Aku tidak ada apa. Hanya seperti kepingan salji berterbangan ditiup angin dingin di kepekatan malam yang hening... kepingan salji putih yang dimamah kegelapan malam. Mencari tempat untuk singgah... mencair... dan... mengalir lesu di sungai-sungai dan longkang-longkang kehidupan... perjalanan yang menjanjikan seribu kepayahan, penderitaan... berbaur dengan noda-noda kelabu... menuju ke arah yang belum pasti...

Teringat aku pada cerita Cinta... terperangkap di antara cinta dan sahabat... tapi aku... terperangkap di antara persoalan diri sendiri dan kehendak masyarakat sekeliling... igauan yang tidak indah... gelak ketawa yang palsu... senyuman yang sinis... melakari watak pementasan sementara quasimodo... ingin menantikan kedatangan algojo... namun persediaan yang belum utuh tidak memungkinkan kedamaian dan ketenangan sejati...

tuai padi antara masak
esok jangan layu-layuan
intai mummy antara nampak
esok jangan rindu-rinduan

Aku perlu terbang semula... terbang ke daerah damai... damai dari kebencian... damai dari kedengkian... damai dari cemburu... damai dari segala-galanya...

Do I have the might to fight?

lama sungguh tidak login internet... sibuk... sungguh sibuk... khamis ke kl... jumaat malam pulang semula ke melaka... sabtu... pengsan... ahad... kenduri kesyukuran angah... hari ini... aku demam kuat... ni baru kebah selepas menguatkan diri pergi ke selandar makan mee sop pahwer... alhamdulillah... hidung dah kurang tersumbat dan gendang dalam kepala pun sudah menyepikan dirinya...

kadang-kadang aku rasa nak marah... kadang-kadang aku rasa memang perlu dimarahi... kadang-kadang aku rasa aku tak perlu marah... sedikit gelisah... sedikit... bukan sedikit... bergunung-gunung...

bila berada di selatan... aku tak sempat nak rasa blues... social circle around here permits that not... mummy di selatan adalah mummy yang berbeza dengan mummy di utara... di sana... aku akan sentiasa rasa blues... otak ku menjadi tumpul... kehidupan yang amat menekankan... di sini... aku tak sempat blues... ada-ada saja perkara yang membuatkan aku tak blues... yup... masalah ada di mana-mana tapi keadaannya sungguh berlainan... mungkin berkat memandang wajah kedua ibu bapa setiap hari... keinginan ku untuk berkurikula pun semakin melonjak-lonjak... errrmmm... di sebalik semua ini... masih ada sesuatu yang belum selesai...

aku pasti siti gelisah menunggu kepulanganku... sudah hampir sebulan aku di sini... bila ya aku mahu pulang... aku masih tidak pasti...

ke kl lagi...

a long lost and a torn friendship was once recovered... thanks for the forgiveness and acceptance... :-)

bosan... bosan... bosan...
aku sudah bosan...

just arrived from a day trip to KL... KL again... my legs are killing me... wishing that I was in a spa... resting my feet in a salted lukewarm water... bathing in a warm jacuzzi... enjoying a good sauna... having a heavenly aroma therapy massage... ahhhh... a bliss!

the day was well spent... thanks Ra for the lunch... I pray that Siti will get well soon :-) insyaAllah... hang on tough babeh!

anyway, when I got back home and opened the tudung saji... whammy... ampunnnnn... and the rest of the accident will be narrated later... forgiveness must be sought first... I feel terribly terribly guilty and bad... my dad and my mom too... :(

okie... time to sleep... hope that I will sleep well... nitey nitey!

do me a favour... take a bazooka... aim it right in the middle of the forehead... and blast it off... kaboom!

badan acik sengal-sengal... lutut acik macam terkehel... kepala acik putar alam... penat semalam belum hilang dan hari ni ditambah sekali ganda lagi... semalam penat mengembara dan 'terperangkap' di dalam maniobi... hari ni penat makan... yehaaa!

semalam...
aku dan de la escorte pergi ke pasar tani kuala seawal 10.30 pagi... errmmm... awalnya... dapatlah sedikit ikan pekasam untuk sahabat-sahabat di kolumpo... dapat merasa seorang sedikit jadi la... nanti lain kali bila aku balik kuala lagi akan ku belikan lagi... kemudian selepas meligan pasar tani kami ke pasar kuala pula cari pucuk paku teratai, pucuk geli-geli, belacan pulau aman setengah kilo dan ikan belanak masin untuk mak dan ayah... oopppsss.. misi untuk mencari sayuran exotic gagal sebab kami tak pasti bagaimana rupanya sayur temayur tersebut... hehehe... setelah puas hati pusing kuala kami pun bertolak ke chemor... adik-adik aku tak pernah pergi rumah wah... jadiknya seronok sangat mereka ke chemor tuh... satu kawasan kering di pinggir bukit batu kapur... tapi rumah wah bagus banget... pak awie aku pengemas dan pencinta alam... redup dan hijau di kawasan sekitar rumah wah... aku amat kagum dengan pokok mangga rendang wah... sekiranya aku masih kanak-kanak, harus aku main pondok-pondok di situ... hehehe... selepas makan kuih raya dan makan nasi... kami jadi pacat dan pulang semula ke kuala kangsar... singgah di depan masjid kota lama beli cucuq udang dan kuih kasturi... nyummy... kemudian balik rumah opah untuk bersiap pulang ke selatan...

blewp... ingatkan dak arif boleh memandu pulang tapi malang berbau... baru saja meninggalkan rumah opah selepas the-great-bridge-of-sayong aku terpaksa berhenti di shell sebab arif termuntah dalam kereta... iurgghhh... aku ni barbphobic... tahan... tahan... pish posh pish posh... nasib baik faiz sempat bagi plastic... syian arif... sepanjang perjalanan kami terpaksa berhenti sebanyak lapan kali... berhenti... bukannya sekadar singgah... perghhh... melepet adik aku... aku target sampai kl pukul 7.30 tapi sampai pukul 9.30 malam... tak sangka lebuhraya sungguh sesak... apatah lagi di rr lebuhraya tu... sesak gila adingdong... di sepanjang perjalanan faiz la yang setia merawat abangnya... bagus... bagus... dila pula membuat lawak bodoh untuk memastikan aku tak mengantuk... memandu waktu maghrib la katakan... waktu setan banyak... waktu aku mengantuk sebab setan banyak gayut di mata aku... wachaaa ini setan-setan!

aku sampai di rumah ts pada pukul 9.30 malam... orang-orang teras jernang dan bangi dah sampai dah... sesampainya aku... aku terus makan... hehehe... dak dila siapkan laksa... laksa kuala yang sempat aku tapau sebelum meninggalkan kuala... dak faiz dok tepoten poten sesegan konon dan... dak arif mandi aaa... rehat kat dalam bilik... es masak mee kari... pahwerrrrr... miot... goreng kepok lekor... pahwer la jugak... hehehe... dalam pukul 11.30 aku sudah terpaksa beredar pulang... boss dah tepon... arif pun nampak tenat... dila pun dah terasa tak sedap badan... aciikkkkk jugak yang kena memandu ke melaka dengan penuh kesabaran... semua orang dalam kereta dah tidur... acik dah penat dan kekenyangan... mata pun boleh tahan jugak la rasa nak terpejam... :z... ada la sedikit ternanar nanar kereta aku bila dah sampai di jalan nak ke jasin tuh... :l akhirnya... sampai ke teratak kami pada pukul 2 pagi... huargghhh...

hari ini...
celik-celik mata dah pukul 10 pagi... tuh pun disebabkan oleh satu panggilan talipon... blasah tulang blakang dia... hehehe... arif dah okay dan dia pergi hantar kereta aku untuk servis minyak hitam... ayah dah pergi ke rumah uteh dah... dila kepucatan tak sihat... faiz basuh baju kami yang berlonggok-longgok itu... makan tengahari... erpp... 4 petang masih tengahari ke?... di kenduri nikah di rumah uteh... sipolan sepupu ipar aku dan keluarganya sampai lambat... moral of the story... sekiranya ada apa-apa kenduri atau pertemuan dengan imam atau tok kadi... kita janganlah biasakan diri kita kata "selepas zohor"... sebaik-baiknya tetapkan masa kata pukul 2.00 atau 1.30 atau sebagainya... selepas zohor boleh juga ditafsirkan pada pukul 4 petang... dua minit sebelum asar masih juga boleh dianggap sebagai selepas zohor... yedak?

vokeh... aku nak sembang panjang lagi ni... terasa nak bercerita tentang pemandu-pemandu di malaysia... tapi kena tidur cepat... esok aku akan ke kl lagi... pagi... nak hantar adik-adik aku pulang ke kampus dan sekulek beraya di tj dan mungkin uniten... balik hari... errmmm... terasa penat kan?... tapi tu la... travel banyak... tapi tetap tambun gak... hehehe... okehs... good nite! salam...

amar hazim ada kat sebelah aku ni... one of my cousins... most of them have gone back home... amar here is amazed by the colours and the wonders that a laptop can bring out... he is just five years old yet already being well acquainted with technology, english language and even las ketchup themselves... amazing huh? asking me what will happen if i close the lid... what am i doing... why there are songs accompanying my work... he said, "malam-malam mana boleh main" and that directly applies to my other cousin wan who is desperately bugging me to get his way to this laptop just for the sake of PLAYING GAMES... mind him... blewwppp... hahahahah... again... muahahahaha... eh eh... nak kena kepit bawah ketiak agaknya si amar ni... kata kaki aku besar la pulak... wachaaa!

semalam jalan... ari ni jalan... semalam ke rumah tok din, tok yob, tok chik dan jugak muzium istana persinggahan sultan perak i.e. istana mayat di bukit chandan... what the tut tut tut we were doing there during the hari raya round in kuala kangsar... blewwwppp... clueless actually... yup... the brilliant idea came from me... :p how come i've become too brilliant like this? still wondering and pondering... and the answer is still nil... ari ni jalan ke umah tok amat dan jugak rumah adik ipar aku di perlop... wowie... uuuhhh and ahhhh accompanied us during the journey... trek perjalanan lebih mencabar dari cameron highlands dan juga balik pulau... jalan sempit seperti ke intan suraya... pergghh... gaung dalam... ada gua tepi jalan... pokok saka... melintas jeram best dan akhirnya perlop... nun jauh di hujung bukit di kaki banjaran titiwangsa... kepadatan penduduk 80 keluarga di kawasan yang sepatutnya dihuni oleh 300 keluarga felda itu... thrill gilos... tak tahu macam mana nak gambarkan secara maxima best... aku benar benar seperti rusa masuk kampung... pertama kali sampai perlop la katakan... ttheehehehe...

mak, ayah, angah dan suaminya dah balik ke melaka petang tadi pukul 6... aku, dila, arif dan faiz balik esok... aku tak larat nak mandu... esok kena belikan ikan masin belanak, gula kabong dan laksa kuala untuk mereka-mereka yang dah balik dulu tuh... cheh... bau ikan masin aaa keta aku... kami ingat nak transit kat kl sebentar esok beraya di rumah member... most targeted area at the moment is uniten aaa... hahaha... dekat sket nak keluar ke highway tuh... kalau sempat nak singgah dulu taman samudra jap sebelum mudik ke area kajang tu... as for tj, ts dan bbb... ilek aaa dulu... kat umah-umah ni takleh singgah kejap... kalau nak singgah kena paling kurang pun 2/3 jam yedak? hehehe... opppsss... panggilan alam la pulak... buhsan aaa ni... nak tengok survivor ni... okehs... kena tido awal malam ni... esok nak ke pasar cari ration bawak balik ke melaka dan komdian nak ke rumah wah di chemor... dan komdian singgah kehhel dan komdian balik melaka... lusa ada kenduri di umah uteh la pulak... kena gak tentolong pak dan mak sedara...

my feelings at the moment... though outwardly seems okay... within the skin it is totally in chaos... hanky panky... banyak benda yang aku fikir... tidur pun banyak ngigau... semoga malam ini aku boleh tido dengan aman... aminnn...

here I am... this is me...
there's nowhere else on earth i'd rather be...

betul ke lirik nih... blasah ajek la... take a wild guess... where am i? i couldn't believe it either... i'm in kuala kangsar... arrived at 2 a.m.... bertolak dari melaka after isyak prayer... konvoi dua kereta... dad's and mine... ganeh... ganeh... ate dahsyat bebenor lifestyle aku ni... mebbe stay here until lusa i.e. saturday... beraya kat kole la pulak... setaputnya semalam pagi or tengahari kami balik kole ni tapi to point all fingers at my brother... blewwwppp... terpaksa la tunda ke malam... tuh pun nyaris tak jadik balik... huish... tak bleh kena balik gak... kalau tak ada worang yang syedih gila babas nyer... hehehe...

anyways, disebabkan aku nih stinky walla baru bangun tido... kenalah menyiramkan diri dalam setempayan dua... yehaaa! brrrrrrr...

Episode 1

The sister was busy. She was busy cleaning and rearranging beds and cupboards in the room. The elder sister was lying on bed... sleeping. When the elder sister woke up, the room was arranged differently. There was no space to move around. There was not even a space for the elder sister to squeeze herself to go out from the room. The elder sister cried, "Uwaaa... along tau la along nih gumuk tapi jangan la aniaya along camni sekali." The wail went on and on and on...

Episode 2

Everybody was there. It was a happy and merry party. The dining table was loaded with delicious food... just like Hogwart's banquet hall. A seat on my right was empty. The party has already begun. We were eating and exchanging gossips, news and plain talks. Suddenly, entered a husband and wife. The husband chose to sit beside me... at the empty seat on my right. He directed the wife to seat with the others at the end of the table. He smiled at me. A smile that contained the meaning of the thousands. He started eating his meals. Suddenly, I felt a hand on my right lap. Iurghhh... it was his. I froze. Uneasiness swept over me. What this married fella was thinking? His wife was there... not far from him. I tried to silently shake it off... but to no avail. He realised my uneasiness. He lifted his hand and looked at me in the eyes... gave me that smile... again...

Episode 3

It was a kampung house. A typical Perak house. Many known faces were there. The front lawn was crowded. There was a martial art demonstration. A demonstration by the guru himself. The lady was upstairs watching the demonstration from against the wooden windows. She felt alone amidst the crowd. The guru finished his performance and he went upstairs to rest and drink a cup of coffee. Everybody was trying to please and serve him. The lady was shy and inferior indeed. She kept herself hidden behind the door of one of the rooms. The guru noticed her. He moved towards her ignoring the others. He asked her softly and almost fatherly, "Kenapa? Ada masalah ke? Cerita la kiranya ada masalah." He threw the gentlest smile and the most concerned facial expression to the lady. Touched... speechless... she cried and cried and cried...

The Sea of Fertility... a tetralogy by Yukio Mishima. A great tetralogy for those who are fascinated about dreams and reincarnation. A once soulmate of mine has suggested for me to keep a dream diary i.e. to record my daily dreams in a diary. He has fascinating ideas and knowledge about dreams. Dream is almost like life itself. Life is the resemblance of our dreams. Dreams can also be our premonition about the future.

Errrmmmm... why am I rambling about dreams at this hour? The truth bites...

Recently, sleep is distasteful. It is far worse than insomnia itself. I talk in my sleep... frequently even during the afternoon nap. I have nightmares... frequent nightmares. Every few hours I would wake up in bewilderment finding myself chanting slurred words. Sleep has become an enemy. Fatigue is all over me eventhough I have slept early at night and have a catnap during the day. The restless sleep that I am experiencing immobilise my senses and mental faculty. How I wish I have that peaceful quality sleep once again... the sleep where dreams are totally void... huarrgghhhh... wishing and keep wishing...

complex huh? yup... a bit for those who understand not... do i understand? hmmm... hoping to understand too... groping and searching in the abyss of flaws... the imperfection that is extraordinarily perfect...

tak menang tangan... raya kedua dan ketiga sememangnya rumah di penuhi oleh sanak sedara belah ayah... dari adik beradik ayah sehinggalah cucu dan cicit sedara... hahaha... sungguh ramai... oleh itu aku pun lebih kurang sibuk sedikit... sedikit sahaja sibuknya kerana dila dan arif dan faiz dah sibuk banyak... kekekek... basuh pinggan sedikit dah sakit pinggang... isi kuih sikit dah mengah... hahahaha... nasib baik ada adik-adik yang best ni... lega sikit... mak dan ayah pulak dah mula puasa enam sejak raya kedua lagi... tapi mee goreng ayah tetap mencaka tobing walaupun dia berpuasa... pawerrrr...

subjectivity... you have your view... i have my own view... what i've said is meant exactly as what i want it to be meant... anyway, your view on what i've said does not necessarily the same as what i want it to be meant... our differences are influenced by our social background, cultural upbringing and also knowledge and perceptions on things... human are created with different characters... absolutely in these differences there lies wisdom for those who reflect... there lies perfection for those who contemplate... there lies the essence of life itself...

adussss... tumitku sengal... perut memulas la pulak... gara-gara terlalu banyak gas dalam badan... gas apa ya? gas dari kickapoo, mountain dew, coca cola, mirinda orange, lychee f&n and everything under the sun... perrgghhhh... self-inflicted pain again... hahahaha... hmmm... nak buat apa pulak lepas ni? terasa nak makan pasta la... pasta shakeys pun sodap... yehaaaa! jom pasta!

the shadow seems dimmer against the reddish rays of sunlight... the shadow is still waiting... waiting for its solid owner...

SELAMAT HARI RAYA!
EID MUBARAK!
KULLU 'AM WAANTUM BIKHAIR!

pish posh pish posh... the whole day socialising with family and relatives was really tiring... as usual... previously... a whole night of excitement... opppsss... when i glanced at the clock... it was six in the morning... a routine... i am the only one in the family who know how to put things into order i guess... (brag brag brag)... hahahaha... since my arrival to this land of south was a bit late... well.. things got into order a bit late too... heaps of candles were needed to be burnt... hmmm... itsokay... itsokay... that was part of the excitement and merriment of celebrating eid after a month of patience restraining desires and hunger...

so... after a round of feast at busu's, uteh's, ngah's, alang's and long's... thither me hither... here i come my favourite bed!

ma'assalamah!

hahahaha... blewppp... akhirnya... setelah setahun mengandung akhirnya beranak jua... hahahaha... buhsan... buhsan... :-p

ahad...
lepak di rumah opah... pasar ramadhan kuala... nyummy yum yum...

isnin...
berghonjeng di midvalley dengan apop dan arob... hehehe... tengok harry potter di goldclass... mabuk mocha... berbuka di sushi king... shopping dan shopping dan shopping...

selasa...
tido setengah hari di gombak... jemput arob... warta ooo warta... pelangi indah di senawang... mcd dalam man... shopping dan shopping dan shopping di jj...

hari ini...
arramak! kena kemas rumah daaa... iurrgghhhhh... daaag!

Perjalanan jauh tak ku rasa
Kerna hati ku melonjak sama
Ingin berjumpa sanak saudara
Yang selalu bermain di mata

Nun menghijau gunung ladang dan rimba
Langit nan tinggi bertambah birunya
Deru angin turut sama berlagu
Semuanya bagaikan turut gembira

Balik kampung oh oh...
Hati girang
Ho ho... Balik kampung
Hati girang

Terbayang wajah-wajah yang ku sayang
Satu-satu tersemat di kalbu
Pasti terubat rindu di hati
Menyambut kepulangan ku nanti

rise and shine... excitement is mounting... dan enyah saja kau pekat... hahaha... be xxxtra careful on road mummy... no racing... no rushing... the white uniform men are scattered here and there... 90km/ph... blewwpp... boringgg... might as well i take a ride on nimbus 2000 (harry, may i borrow yours?)... heheh... okay... okay... i'll be good and angelic... sure...

oraits... here i come kuala kangsar! oopppsss... to chowrasta first... pickly pickly pickly dooo... need to get pickles to stock up my boot...

alhamdulillah... my humble gratitude to Allah the Almighty... yup! Ramadhan nights are indeed different from the other nights... malam ini memang mendamaikan jiwa... angin bertiup lembut... sejuk dan nyaman... mmmm... enaknya...

hari ini siti masak lauk-pauk berbuka... perrghhh... mencaka tobing... masak lomak cili api udang galah... daging masak oriental (dimasak dengan minyak bijan dan gajus gitu)... kerang goreng black pepper (goreng ngan kulit-kulit tuh... first time aku makan stail macam ni) dan juga kailan ikan masin... perghhh... kemudian ada pisang mas dibawa belayar dan juga honey dewey... besh... besh... makasih la siti and hubby for the treat... meh i doa' panjang sket untuk you all... hehehe...

anyway... malam ni aku sibuk dok ngemas dan basuh baju... yea... yea... esok balik kampung yea... esok balik kampung yea... hahaha... gempaknya semacam... walhal baru last week balik selatan... kekeke... tapi esok aku transit dulu umah opah... senin transit kl... selasa baru balik melaka... brapa banyak transit daaa... hehehe... memang tandus aaa aku bulan posa tahun ni... tahun lepas abis tujuh ratus inggit kat bil tepon... tahun ni abis kat samy vellu... hahahaha... takpe... janji aku puas hati dan happy...

wokkeh! nak sambung ngemas... lama dah tak kemas bilik ni... berdebu serata alam... tuh yang payah umah tepi jalan ni... bila bukak tingkap sket mesti berlumba-lumba debu-debu kotaraya menerjah masuk... wokkehs! adios amigos!

alhamdulillah... akhirnya... berjaya jugak aku meletakkan flash yang first time aku buat kat dalam blog nih... basic flash jek nih... hehehe... cinoning gak kepala aku sepanjang malam... hehehe... besh... besh... cabaran begini la yang besh gaban... benda baru... amacam sifu... not bad for a novice huh!? hahaha... mata tak ngantuks pulak lagi ni... nak buat apa ye? lerrr... bersahur la apa lagi... lepas subuh aku tido la... huish... pintu rejeki tertutup maaa... nak buat camno? kelawor la katakan... hehehe... teringat aku zaman berghonjeng di Muo dedulu... direct tak tido malam... pepagi ada kelas pulak tuh... students pun jadi kompius tengok lecturer masih buleh cas dan cargas... hehehe... tapi bila petang... tepat jam 4... vege lah segala-galanya... hahaha... namun... Muo tetap happening! idup Muo!

The SMS...

aku: teka teki di dinihari? manakah yang lebih penting? kekayaan atau kebahagiaan?

dia: masa berubah setiap waktu, manusia berubah setiap masa. sukar mempercayai kesetiaan dan janji manusia. apatah lagi berkaitan kebahagiaan. kekayaan mempengaruhinya.

aku: puitisnya jawapan…

dia: sorry, lambat reply. baru je on hp. biasa la mami, sekarang manusia nilai kebahagiaan dgn wang, bukan dgn budi pekerti dan keikhlasan…

aku: aku sedih la… kenapa harta dan pangkat menjadi ukuran… biar miskin asalkan bahagia…wang bukan segala-galanya…

dia: biasa la mami. perumpamaan yang sesuai bagi kes ini adalah kalau kita nak melabur, biar jamban tu besar, baru puas dan lama kekal dalam tuh !)

aku: hahaha… analogi jamban tuh… hahaha…

errrmmm... setuju dengan siapa? aku atau dia?

ada orang hidupnya bahagia walaupun rezeki hariannya umpama kais pagi makan pagi kais petang makan petang... ada orang hidupnya gembira walaupun tiada pakaian yang indah dan wang yang berkepul... ada orang senyumnya lebar walaupun penat dibakar mentari mengangkat batu bata di kawasan pembinaan... ada orang wajahnya tetap manis walaupun tiada pangkat dan harta...

ada orang hidupnya derita walaupun gajinya beribu dan berjuta sekalipun... ada orang hidupnya gusar walaupun disarungi kot tebal dan labuci bergemerlipan... ada orang bibirnya mencebik walaupun bekerja di bawah keenakan penghawa dingin dan disebalik meja yang luas beserta kerusi yang empuk... ada orang mukanya masam walaupun ada pangkat dan juga harta...

errrmmm... inilah yang dinamakan manusia... mempunyai berbagai corak dan ragam yang tersendiri... manusia yang dijadikan berbeza-beza di antara satu sama lain... manusia yang mempunyai perbezaan cap ibu jari, rasa, pendapat dan sebagainya... manusia subjektif... kita tidak sama... apa yang baik untuk aku tak semestinya baik untuk kau... apa yang baik untuk kau tak semestinya baik untuk aku... pandangan kita tidak serupa... citarasa kita tidak serupa... perbezaan yang membawa seribu hikmah bagi yang memahami... yang pasti... masing-masing berkehendakan yang terbaik untuk diri sendiri...

namun... ujud jua golongan manusia yang pelik... pelik dari segi maksud mereka yang tidak sama aliran pemikiran dengan masyarakat dan nilai-nilai budaya setempat... non-conformist... dare to be different... outstanding... manusia-manusia yang bakal dipulaukan oleh keluarga dan masyarakat kerana kelainan yang dipilihnya... kerana bersifat ganjil... hidup berlandaskan pegangan dan prinsip yang tersendiri... norma-norma kehidupan yang mungkin berbeza dari khalayak umum...

ada juga terdapat manusia yang tidak berkehendakan yang terbaik untuk diri sendiri... setiap keputusan dilandaskan di atas kepentingan orang lain... setiap gerak dilandaskan di atas permintaan orang lain... hasrat diri sendiri seakan terkubur di dalam memenuhi kehendak orang lain... dengan harapan orang lain itu tidak akan kecewa... dengan harapan orang lain itu akan gembira... hanya dengan harapan... seperti boneka-boneka bertali... tali digoyang boneka menari... aaahhh... peduli apa... kita hidup bermasyarakat bukan? pentingkan masyarakat dari diri sendiri... adakah itu tuntutan agama?

sepatutnya pada dinihari ini aku telah sedia mencetak helaian thesisku... aku masih kecundang... Ramadhan benar-benar telah membawa ketenangan dan kebahagiaan buat diriku... masih... aku kecundang... aku akui... segala kelemahan dan kesalahan serta kelalaian adalah di atas bahuku sendiri... jari telunjukku patah... tundingannya tiada...

what i have and i have written are merely junks... junks that have been produced from a half-hearted effort... a dragged effort... an insincere effort... the effort to make them smile and be happy with me... am i happy? is there anyone out there who really cares about what i feel? is there any? am i happy for myself?

senangkah hatiku kiranya aku duduk berjauhan dari keluargaku dan sahabat-sahabatku?
senangkah hatiku kiranya apa yang aku lakukan sentiasa tidak betul di mata penyeliaku?
senangkah hatiku kiranya suasana tempat pembelajaran amat menjelekkan mataku?
senangkah hatiku kiranya aku di sini bersendirian hidup seperti jaga di rumah ini?
senangkah hatiku kiranya kini aku tidak lagi mampu melaksanakan amanah dan tanggungjawab kepada bangsaku?

mana bisa hatiku senang... mana bisa jiwaku tenang... mana bisa fikiranku damai... it has been almost two years... a mistake?

aku cemburu... berasaskah aku untuk merasa cemburu?

aku tidak marah... aku tidak latah... cuma monolog dalaman ini begitu memualkan mindaku di dinihari yang sepi ini... perlu diluahkan... dimuntahkan dari benakku agar aku boleh menutup mataku dengan damai... di malam mulia... malam Jumaat di bulan Ramadhan... aku tahu ini semua dugaan dariNya... aku tahu aku sedang menghadapi dugaan yang amat besar di dalam hidupku... selama ini aku sememangnya tidak pandai untuk membuat keputusan... semua keputusanku adalah di atas pergantungan ke atas pendapat dan kehendak orang lain... aku sedang diduga... ada keputusan penting yang perlu aku ambil... apakah buah keputusannya? apakah yang perlu aku pakai? apakah yang tak seharusnya aku pakai? pakai tak pakai tak pakai pakai...

errrmmm... aku masih keliru rupanya...

bumped into this while i was searching for online materials... funny huh?!

Subject: For everybody who loves the English language

WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS DIFFICULT TO LEARN!!
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

Only in English can your nose run, and your feet smell.

There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger; Neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?


If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? And is it freachers who are fraught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes, I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. What other reason could there be for saying that people recite at a play and play at a recital? Or, ship cargo by truck and send cargo by ship? Or have noses that run and feet that smell?


How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?


How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?
Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Or, met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable?

And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

People, not computers invented English, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it. Hmmmmmmm?

Source: Funny Page

muakakaka... kelako kan?

Allah's object also is to purge those that are true in Faith and to deprive of blessing those that resist Faith. (Ali 'Imran: 141)

Note: the purge or purification was in two senses: (1) It cleared out the Hypocrites from the ranks of the Muslim warriors. (2) The testing-time strengthened the faith of the weak and wavering: for suffering has its own mission in life. The Prophet for example - wounded but staunch, and firmer than ever - put new life into the Community.

suddenly i remember the crisis...

aku pasrah... apa nak jadi... jadi la... maleh... maleh...
oleh sebab itu aku telah membuat satu keputusan yang tegas!

JOM PIZZA! nih tengah tunggu pizza sampai la ni... hehehe... mari kita torture diri dengan xxxtra cheese... self inflicted pain... gruesome huh?
yakkety yakkety yey!!!

selamat berbuka!

Batlady is backkkk! Huargghh! Makan budookk!

tadi aku berbuka di hotel vistana dengan siti. okay la... typical hotel buffet meal... makan free... best... best... hehehe... tapi aku takmo citer pasal makan... meh aku citer pasal kejadian siang tadi... siang tadi ada beberapa orang (melayu) datang pasang awning kat dapur. amazingly... aku pun heran banyak la jugak... ada ke patut ada seorang mamat tu dengan tak malunya minta air sejuk kat aku... huishhh... terperanjat gilos aku dibuatnya... patut la aku asyik terbau asap rokok ajek kat ruang tamu tuh... cehh... kalau dah tau tak posa bawak la air sendiri kot ya pun... nih mintak kat aku la pulak... even ah tan plumber tuh pun tak mintak air kat aku... siap mintak izin lagi nak minum kat dalam umah aku ni... tuh cina tuh... ada adab, segan dan malu... ini melayu gitu... anytapi aku bagi la jugak airnya... tuh pun dengan rasa guilty gila sebab aku ni dah dikira sebagai subahat la kan... nasib baik aku sempat bagi sedas kat mamat tu... kurang sikit rasa guilty tuh... sambil aku hulur air masak sejug aku cakap "lerr... tak posa ke? nah amik la air ni... kosong aje... bulan posa la katakan..." mamat tuh sesengih la pulak... tapi itu la... kuasa Tuhan itu tidak boleh dipersoalkan... bila diaorang dah balik aku tengok air tuh tak luak banyak pun... lerrr... subhanallah... rerupanya ada ramai semut buat skinny dip kat dalam jug tuh... aku memang tak perasan... bila masa pulak semut berduyun-duyun terjun ke dalam air tuh? kat meja tuh mana ada semut naik... aku dah taruh kapur semut dah... kesian diaorang tak dapat minum air... salah aku ke?

beginilah ragam manusia... mereka bernasib baik sebab aku tak melatah... kalau idak harus nahas mamat-mamat tuh kena blasah ngan aku... hehehe... disebabkan aku ni pendamai orangnya... "maafkan kawan saya bang"... hehehe... aku ikut ajek flow... tapi Tuhan tuh Maha segala-galanya... Dia tahu... aku bukan nak mengata atau mengumpat... tetapi kisah sebegini harus kita jadikan sempadan... buruk rupanya kalau dah tua-tua masih tidak berpuasa... buruk banyak... kesimpulannya... jati diri kita hendaklah kuat di bulan Ramadhan yang mulia ni... nafsu perlu dikekang... adab di bulan Ramadhan perlu dijaga... mungkin mereka ada sebab yang kukuh untuk tidak berpuasa tetapi kenalah hormat bulan yang mulia ini dan juga orang lain yang berpuasa... sekiranya aku sedara-mara mungkin lain corak ceritanya... but I am a total stranger to them... astaghafirullah al-a'dzhim... banyak lagi cerita tak besh tentang welder-welder ni... tapi tak apa... biarlah aku simpan untuk dijadikan iktibar buat kehidupan di hari muka... semoga Allah tetapkan aku di dalam agamaku dan tingkatkan ketakwaan ku... wallahua'lam...

The ten remaining days of Ramadhan...

Begitu pantas masa berlalu. Tanpa disedari kita sudah berpuasa selama dua puluh hari. Pagi ini adalah pagi yang ke-21. Sayu dan sedih perasaan di hati ini...

The whole day was spent in the likeliness of infinite eternity yet time swiftly flew infront of my eyes. For the 'blinds' and those who choose not to see... Ramadhan might be considered as a mere stepping stone for the upcoming fiesta. A fiesta in which songs are sung, dresses and fashions are flashed around, foods are probably wasted, money is 'hijacked'... the bottomless merriment without a minute thought for the poor and needy... the bottomless merriment without the realisation and reflection of the true meaning of Ramadhan and Syawal... However, for those who possess the visions... the visions from the eyes and the soul... those who are showered by lights and blessings... those who think and reflect... Ramadhan and Syawal are indeed special months... spiritually... the months where their arrival is anxiously anticipated... the months that can leave a pool of tears when they depart for the lunar cycle to continue its circle... It is the observation on these differences that triggers me to think... in which category am I? Who am I? A Muslim and a Mu'min? Or... just a Muslim?

Though it is not raining during this early twilight hours, the night is cool indeed. The night sky seeps into me the essence of tranquility and peace. No stars and no moon can be seen from the vacinity of my present location. The sound of the spinning fan echoes the night. The sound of some cars passing by the road below seems like a bass to mine ears. Everything is so right. Everything...

Actually, I've just come back from the invisible time tunnel... the unseen journey into the fantasy world has made my spirit wanders and smiles in amusement. It was the third day of the show... The 10th. Kingdom... Now, I'm sitting at my desk typing my thoughts with a wide opened window inhaling the scents of night. A bit perplexed with my surroundings and perhaps with life itself... I should retire to bed early tonite... my tonsilitis is really aching... I've had enough sobbing in the afternoon... hahaha... a round applause for the Indon movie and Yo Soy Betty la Fea... sungguh tak machess aku ni... hmmm... better logout for now... it is the time... the time to be one with myself... to be one with my thoughts and feelings... and to be one with this wonderful calm night... arios!

dah balik dahhh... errmmm... life restores to its normal pace... all within the confinement of this cave-like home :] kekeke... to finish or not to finish? that is the question... with that i rest my case for now and wish to retire onto the mouth of the tiger... thanks a much muchaha for the visit... to the other muchachas gunyi gunyi puppucurrru... bila nak mai bagan? ;p

It has been a while I guess…

Life is at its hectic pace though ironically three quarters of the time was somehow spent in deep unmoved slumber. Traveling can always tire us. It is not really pleasant to become a heavy drowsy potato that can barely open its eyes as an aftermath after a joyful long distance traveling. The unpleasantness is added up when the mental faculty is supposed to be at its highest churning capacity. Both the tiredness of the body and the demands of mental agitation are tied as a perfect match that permits the birth of obstinate procrastinations. The dangerous newborn that sucks and drains our will, our drive and our strength to move on with the tasks at hand. Iurgghhh… horrid and horrible indeed…

Beginilah yang dinamakan hidup bermusim. Kadang-kadang kita mengalami musim bunga... kadang-kadang musim panas... kadang-kadang musim sejuk dan hujan yang berpanjangan... musim yang sentiasa berubah mengikut masa dan keadaan. Namun, walaupun kita dibadai oleh perubahan musim sebegini persoalan yang timbul adalah adakah kita mampu untuk merubah setiap musim yang berlaku di dalam kehidupan kita. Errrmmm... bagi aku secara peribadi mungkin agak sukar bagi kita untuk merubah musim-musim ini. Musim-musim ini datang bukan dengan kehendak kita selalunya. Ianya boleh dipengaruhi oleh pelbagai unsur luaran seperti alam sekitar, masyarakat, cuaca, kewangan, rakan-rakan, keluarga dan sebagainya. Unsur-unsur ini mampu mencorak perubahan musim di dalam kehidupan kita samada cara langsung atau secara tidak langsung. Perlukah kita menuding jari dan menyalahkan unsur-unsur ini apabila musim kehidupan berubah?

Everything comes from within. If we tell ourselves that we are happy and to keep on happy, then of course we will be happy. If we whisper the symphony of sadness over and over again, obviously we will become sore and disturbed all day long. What we think reflects our behavior. We are what we are telling ourselves. Yup! Everything comes from within. Some experts say that an optimistic view towards life may lengthen our life span. To abandon gloom and murk behind is supposed to be a healthy act for a good life. However, are we capable to do such at all times when the dark clouds pervade us? Direct this question to our faith... tepuk dada tanya iman…

We are not alone. Though we feel that we are alone… nope… we are not. We are absolutely not alone. Hence, let us cherish what we have today. Be thankful. Be grateful. Carpe diem. Seize the day. May the past bother us not. May the future bother us not. May we live in present in tranquility and in all the essence of peace. May we find them…

~a piece of thought for myself~

Nuzul al-Quran night...

I'm too tired to think... too tired to sleep... though there are so many things that I have in mind... mebbe tomorrow?!

Ahlamussa'idah!

mutantsssss...

it was raining the whole day in Jasin... errmmm... a reason to get very comfortable under the blanket the whole day... hahaha... nope! i managed to not hibernate... kekeke... the question now is... to sleep or not to sleep? if i were to sleep then my work could not be done tonight... if i were not to sleep then i might not be able to focus tomorrow... for again... tomorrow i will drive back to the land of North.

suddenly, my innate being was surged with the waves of excitement... the eagerness to watch The 10th. Kingdom that will be shown on NTV7 soon... fantasy... Alice in Wonderland, Harry Potter, Enid Blyton's and anything that has to do with fairies, gnomes, goblins, mushrooms as houses, tea parties around the toadstools... errrmmm... lovely indeed... kiddish? hahaha... but it is nice if i were to be teleported to such places, isn't it?... poooffff... disappear to the never-never land... the land where time and age do not exist... the land where youth and happiness will never cease... no pretense... no lies... no whines and tears...

last night before shutting these heavy lids... my brother said, "Armando tuh sesuai untuk kau Long, tapi come to think of it... rasanya... daripada Armando tuh kawin dengan kau baiklah lagi dia kawin ngan Betty..." WAACHHHAAA! my brother got a "blasah-tulang-blakang-dia" from me... kekeke... peaceee... my head is loaded with the writing of my thesis yet he has charmingly came out with some kelako thoughts... buncat... buncat... hehehe...

so... farethewell cool night... may i dream of armando... upsidaisies... eheheh... may i rest in peace... bleeppp... wrong again... may i sleep well and with forgiveness from Him upon my dark sins... for tonight is the blessed night of 15th. Ramadhan... wassalam...

waduh waduh waduh... rasa mau tercabut tengkuk, pinggang dan segala sendi-sendiku ini... keletihan memandu semalam masih belum hilang lagi... hari ini pula sepanjang hari dok menunsenkan diri sebab ada masalah dengan akaun tmnet dan jaring aku... ceh... buat orang hilang cas ajek... pish posh pish posh... sabarin... aku puasa... sabarin... hehehe... wokkehlah... takmo lama-lama berinternet... setengah jam lagi akan berbuka... ayah pergi pasar ramadhan... mak masak nasi... opah kemas dapur... anak dara sorang ni mengadap komputer? cheh... tak patut... tak patut... :-p oraits... chalo dulu... thanks ra sebab "meminjamkan" akaun internet kau... hehehe... more reasons for not hanging out in this cyberspace too long... perhaps i should try tmnet prepaid card?!!! besh juga idea tuh :-) selamat berbuka mummy! yehaaa!

kekeke... malam ni aku kat umah opah sedang meligan line tepon opah untuk berinternet... nanti along bagi duit raya lebih yek pah... hehehe... (opppsss... maaf la saudara faiz... bahasa melayu patik perlukan masa untuk lebih dipermantapkan... patik cuba ni... :p... lansing vs. langsing? yang mana satu betul? practice makes perfect?!?)... separuh siang tadik dok ngemas umah dan membasuh baju sebelum berangkat pulang ke selatan untuk menghantar adik-adikku yang manja ni... hehehe... siap naik feri lagi untuk menyeberang ke tanah besar... lerrr... dak buncat ni tak pernah naik feri penang ni... layan aje la... malam semalam aku dah layan round georgetown sampai pukul dua pagi dengan kanak-kanak riang ni... lepas terawih kami pergi pekena char kuey teow di astaka tanjung bungah komdian night stroll... nope... night drive di sekitar gurney drive dan town area... pusing lebuh chulia dua tiga kali tengok "akak" dan singgah di seven eleven membeli belah... pulau nih kecik ajek... huishhh... sungguh tak senon aktiviti aku di malam jumaat ramadhan yang mulia ni... hasilnya... lambat bangun sahur dan sempat blasah leftovers pizza dan punch berbuka ajek... nak layan kopi cap kapal api pun tak sempat nak masak air... padankan muka kami... hehehe... tuh baru cash on delivery kecik jek tuh... ampunnn...

Don't let stress make a memory of your mental faculties. Studies have shown that chronic exposure to stress hormones may interfere with memory performance. To keep stress-induced memory lapses away, schedule mini tension breaks throughout your day. A few minutes of deep breathing exercises, gentle yoga stretches, or positive visualization may be all you need to stay sharp.

...apakah yang boleh kita pelajari dari petikan realage ini?...

beginilah aku... i perform well under these kind of "gilos" machismo activities... it makes my brain functions well... with abundance of dynamism, ideas and flows... yup! stress free too... sambil menyelam minum air... ehh... bulan puasa nih sensiang tak boleh menyelam lama-lama... hehehe... siapa kata terkentut dalam air batal puasa? sila angkat tangan... bagaimana pula dengan sembelit? ermmm... jadiknya di samping menangani penyiapan chapter 1, 2 and 3 aku tetap kena cargas menangani kehendak sosial jugak... baik begini daripada aku berkurung di dalam bilik aku di tingkat sebelas itu... berkurung dan murung tidak menyelesaikan sebarang masalah... malah boleh jadi overloaded dengan stress bila berseorangan sedemikian... biar badan penat sedikit asalkan otak tidak murung... itu adalah dua kali ganda baiknya daripada terperap di dalam bilik cuba menyelesaikan sesuatu dengan hati yang gulana... hati yang gulana + bilik yang best + otak kebas = tido... tido di bulan puasa merupakan satu ibadah tetapi tido dan tido dan tido sahaja... tidak boleh menyelesaikan masalah... mimpi memang enak... masa tido aku mimpi thesis aku dah siap print terletak di atas meja... siap dengan binding sekulek... sedia untuk dihantar kepada penyelia... ouccchhh... reality bites... bila aku gesek-gesekkan mata selepas terjaga dari tidur yang panjang dan mimpi yang indah... hasilnya? meja study aku masih bertaburan dengan articles... screen saver masih bersilih ganti menunjukkan gambar-gambar armando dan betty... errmmm dimanakah thesisnya? mimpi... mimpi...

konklusi... takde pekdah duduk memerap di dalam bilik best... otak kebas... komdian buat taik mata... komdian menyembabkan muka jadi seperti pumpkin... komdian menambah extra pounds... serta menunsenkan diri... oleh sebab itu... lebih baik aku merayap di muka bumi yang terbentang meluas ini... yup... jumpa ayah dan emak dan sanak sedara dan rakan taulan... walau sedikit penat memandu... walau poket pastinya kempis... tapi hikmat memfokus peringkat ke 21 aku amatlah mantap dua kali... malahan berkali-kali... aku boleh berfikir dengan tenang, mengarang dengan lancar, dan insya-Allah... menyiapkan thesis aku on time! aminnn... terima kasih Tuhan di atas nikmat pemberianMu ini... semoga aku boleh melaksanakan tanggungjawabku ini dengan jayanya!

wokkeh... daripada aku merambling without ending... aku ingat baik aku bersegera mengusha kerja-kerja aku nih... sementara masih ada cas positif ni... hehehe... babai dunia... sweet dreams! :-p

p/s: mimpi itu apa? errmmm... i will survive...

First I was afraid, I was petrified!
Kept thinkin' I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong,
and I grew strong, and I learned how to get along.

So now you're back from outer space,
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second you'd be back to bother me.

Go on now go, walk out the door.
Just turn around now, cause you're not welcome anymore.
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye?
You think I'd crumble? You think I'd lay down and die?

Oh no not I! I will survive!
Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive.
I've got all my life to live,
And I've got all my love to give,
I'll survive, I will survive!
Hey hey..

It took all the strength I had not to fall apart,
Just tryin' hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart.
And I spent oh so many nights just feelin' sorry for myself,
I used to cry
But now I hold my head up high,

And you see me, somebody new;
I'm not that chained up little person who is still in love with you.
So you felt like dropping in and just expect me to be free,
But now I'm saving all my lovin' for someone who's lovin' me,

Go on now go, walk out the door.
Just turn around now, cause you're not welcome anymore.
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye?
You think I'd crumble? You think I'd lay down and die?

Oh no not I! I will survive!
Oh as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive,
I've got all my life to live,
And I've got all my love to give,

I'll survive, I will survive!
Oh..

Go on now go, walk out the door.
Just turn around now, cause you're not welcome anymore.
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye?
You think I'd crumble? You think I'd lay down and die?

Oh no not I! I will survive!
Oh as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive,
I've got all my life to live,
And I've got all my love to give,

I'll survive, I will survive!
I'll survive.....

~The Replacement~

On no soul doth Allah place a burden greater than it can bear. It gets every good that it earns, and it suffers every ill that it earns. (Pray:) "Our Lord! Condemn us not if we forget or fall into error; Our Lord! Lay not on us a burden like that which Thou didst lay on those before us; Our Lord! Lay not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear. Blot out our sins, and grant us forgiveness. Have mercy on us. Thou art our Protector; help us against those who stand against Faith."

al-Baqarah: 286

kerana pulut santan binasa... nak cakap salah... tak cakap salah... bila dah cakap... arramak! silap ayat la pulak... itulah yang dinamakan the noble imperfectness of a human being... the imperfectness that makes things perfect... alkisah...

adusss... sebenarnya hari ini adalah hari mummy kantoi sedunia... yippie! tsik... tsik... ermmm... bagaimana rasanya kantoi itu? begini...

seperti muka yang telah penyet dilanggar stemroll komdian di setiap rongga keluar darah merah beku... muka terasa sebal dan panas memerah... nak kata sakit tak sakit tapi pada hakikatnya memang la sakit... neurons dalaman sesungguhnya berada di dalam keadaan tergezut buncat... nak disorok muka itu tapi tidak tahu di mana... balik tiang... tiang terlalu kecil... balik batu... batu besar pun terasa kecil... huishhhh... memang payah la apabila menghadapi suasana kantoi... paling paling machess pun adjust buat muka lalalala... muka pasrah... muka telan segala kemungkinan samada pahit, manis atau masam dengan jati diri yang errrmmm sepatutnya kukuh la gamoknya... kantoi sememangnya adalah salah satu daripada trajedi sadis kemanusiaan... gila adingdong...

aku memang terasa gilos jap ni... hik... hik... memang kantoi gilerrr... ini dapat diresapi dari aura semesta peringkat ke lapan kolonel perwira perkasa gaban... hik... hik... okeys... disebabkan aku quite disoriented... maka sebelum aku melalut tak tentu pasal... bercerita tentang aliens bla bla bla... baiklah aku menggostankan diri dahulu... beep beep beep... lahai... signal gostan aku ni memokak la pulak... ooo patut la ada pokok gajus kat belakang ni... kekeke... babai la mummy nyer... selamat merecoverkan diri dari aura kekantoian yang mega supersale!

My gratitude to Allah the Almighty... This Ramadhan is indeed not a lonely Ramadhan... my family members are closely around me... I don't have any classes to attend except a thesis to be submitted... blewp...

Unlike last year's Ramadhan... I even had to break my fast in the classroom... with a bottle of kiwi juice and a bar of muesli... what an incredible experience... It was primarily a bit unbelievable having to break my fast in the classroom... as if I was studying overseas... hahaha... it was just an overstrait... yet I felt like I was not in Malaysia... There were lecturers who did understand and they gave the class and me a half an hour break for me to savour my delicacies and to pray... and... there were lecturers who refused to understand and continued with their lectures from 6.30 p.m. until 10.00 p.m.... non-stop and a with a preliminary warning that they would not stop at all... those who wanted to break their fast had to silently leave the classroom and return back afterwards... bahhh... then... I would totally miss half of the lesson! They really gave me an enough time... An enough time to make my tummy grumbled in jazz and samba... An enough time to make my vision blurred, my motion unsteady and my emotions went frantic... This is the naked fact! If I were in the States... perhaps I wouldn't mind... If I were in Australia... perhaps I wouldn't mind... If I were in UK... I perhaps wouldn't mind... but to be in my own country... the so-called "Islamic country"... this kind of situation is beyond amazement! Anyway, that is part of my bittersweet experience... an unforgettable experience... to further my study and be the only Muslim in the class...

Today, when I broke my fast... I remembered all those moments... the tear glands almost activate themselves... I'm thankful today for I am still alive to breath in another Ramadhan, to be with my beloved family and friends and above all... to be able to be thankful to my Lord... for the strength that He gives me... for the tranquility, the sanity and everything that has enabled me to function as me... the I... the what I am...

Before resting these fingers from tapping this keyboard... I wish to wish a Happy Birthday for my beloved brother, Arif and my landlord cum housemate, Siti... May both of you have a blessed birthday in this blessed month! :-) Good nite!

aku cuba... aku cuba... aku cuba...
aku mesti... aku mesti... aku mesti...
aku boleh... aku boleh... aku boleh...
mummy boleh!

sesungguhnya aku berpuasa
aku mesti tenang
aku mesti damai
aku mesti waras
teknik menyedut oksigen perlu diperbaiki
tiada gelojoh
tiada ghuplah
tiada kesesakan
sesungguhnya aku berpuasa

bila izrail datang memanggil
jasad terbujur di pembaringan
seluruh tubuh akan mengigil
seluruh badan akan kedinginan

Ramadhan Mubarak a'laini!

buhsan... buhsan... esok aku kena balik ke utara semula... buhsan... buhsan... jadiknya hari ni aku blasah beli ration basic ikan bilis, sardin, telur masin dan jugak beras kesihatan somali dan faiza herba pooni... kekeke... punyalah cerewet aku ni bab-bab beli beras sampai tesco, jusco dan foh chiuk jasin aku ronda dengan adik-adik aku yang setia... macam la terel masak sangat pun... dan macam la kat penang tuh takde kedai... kekeke... ganas melaka sekarang ni... ada TESCOOOO... perghh... bertambah sakan la orang melaka ni bershopping dan makin sakan la singaporeans datang melabur duit kat negeri ni... anyways, tadik aku rasa kereta kecil warna merah aku dah jadik bertambah best! bila aku pandu, gegaran dah takde... kesemputan telah pulih... fuyyoooo... cayalah... terima kasih ayah sebab sponsor tukarkan keempat-empat tayar dan jugak absober dak man tu... (opppss... lerrr... dak bayeed ke yang sponsor? magic... magic...) kancilku terasa seperti kembara ayla... terasa tinggi tuhhh... besh besh...

jadiknya, esok aku akan ke utara bersama dila dan faiz... singgah di kuala kangsar berbuka dengan opah dan menunsenkan diri mengadap supervisor aku hari senin... adusss... mau bernanah otak ni bila pikir pasal kerja aku nih... rileks mummy... tarik nafas dengan tenang dan hembuskan perlahan-lahan... pish posh pish posh... duck everybody! another wind accidentally came out... muahahaha...

hari ni aku tak blues... aku tak tunsi... aku tak stress... emotionless... rasa kebas dengan persekitaran dan kebas dari cengkaman pelbagai emosi... maleh nak pikir... seperti lagu besh ni la... tak payah pikir apa makna lagu ni... main blasah ajek... janji besh didengari...

Salagadoola mechicka boola
bibbidi-bobbidi-boo
Put 'em together and what have you got
bibbidi-bobbidi-boo

Salagadoola mechicka boola
bibbidi-bobbidi-boo
It'll do magic believe it or not
bibbidi-bobbidi-boo

Salagadoola means mechicka booleroo
But the thingmabob
that does the job
is bibbidi-bobbidi-boo

Salagadoola menchicka boola
bibbidi-bobbidi-boo
Put 'em together and what have you got
bibbidi-bobbidi
bibbidi-bobbidi
bibbidi-bobbidi-boo!

jadiknya... cecukup lah ni... aku nak ngemas barang untuk dibawa pulang ke umah sewa aku... takmo pikir banyak-banyak malam ni... biar kaki cramp memandu jangan otak cramp sudah... amatlah merbahaya untuk kesihatan... :]

babai la kampung halamanku... jangan sedih... aku pergi tidak lama... seminggu saja... harapnya la... babai!

dumbfounded...

it was a turn off… her eyes were still sticky… her vision was still blurred… her senses were yet to warm up and adjust itself to the surroundings… she was greeted…

“along, hari ni kau ada mission.”
“errmmm?”
“hantar adik ipar kau balik.”
“hantar ke mana? stesen bas ke?”
“tak… hantar balik Kajang…”

the sahur dishes were absolutely nyummy… pity… she had lost her appetite… she swallowed her bitter coffee bitterly… her tummy grumbled… her heart sank… her refusal had prompted the father to sacrifice his working time… sacrifice his time and energy… just to send his daughter in-law back…

should i be angry? should i be sore and sour? sayangkan anak hantarkan anak ke stesen bas… sayangkan menantu hantarkan menantu ke destinasi dituju… i did not blame my father for his care, concern and uncompromising sense of responsibility… in fact i am always touched by his paternal persona… his roles as a loving and caring father are unquestionable… indeed… he is the bestest father the whole wide world!

truly, my grumbles and woes are directed to the role of a husband in providing for his wife… is a man a good husband if he still demands for capital from his yet to retire parents? is a man a good husband if he still stays at his parents’ residence without an immediate worry to find a house for him and his wife? is a man a good husband if he depends on his parents to feed him and his wife? is a man a good husband if he himself cannot take a good care of his very own wife such as to send his own wife back to her working place, be a bit responsible if not in totality? my refusal was based on these maddening questions...

i am always forever willing to serve my parents and my siblings… they are my blood… my world… but sometimes towards a certain extent… somebody needs to be struck by a massive lightning… to be awakened from the comfortable dependent slumber… just to wake up and notice that age has added up… and along with it a tie has been bonded with a stranger, a stranger who has become part of the family… and along with it responsibilities has added up… and along with it our parents’ sacrifices, endless care and late night candles, though priceless and pricey, somehow... should be repaid… if not through material providence... at least through love and care… and absolutely through not letting them have restless nights thinking on how to get an extra money for the now already grown-up kids…

contemplating on these… my heart beats in frenzy… time has taught me that out there there are many men whom cannot be trusted… an extreme statement perhaps… errmmm… i had a bitter experience of being in love with someone’s husband… a naiveté was i… i didn’t even realize that he was a married man and i had become his object of experiment and amusement… almost exactly like a guinea pig… to be hurt and to be mocked at… time has alerted me yet i was caught in another colossal three dimensions spider web… the recent episode which has left undying bruises within me… hmmm… in togetherness with close observations and indirect experiences in friends’ and family’s marital and love relationships… i guess… time has been very truthful and sincere in narrating the lessons… may be i sounded like an ultra feminist… nope… just sounded like one but truly… i am not a feminist though in the past i’ve tempted to become one… my religion does not teach such and in fact the Almighty Lord has said in the Holy Quran that His creations exist in pairs… we have our own pair… i’ve been tested… i've endured the “filtration” stage without any major stumbles… i strongly believe that there are wisdoms behind every pains and hardships that i’ve experienced… as i always say… there will be beautiful rainbows after every stormy and rainy days… there’ll be a silverlining…

some of my single lady friends are very fidgety about not having a long-term and an everlasting relationship… am i fidgety too? well… i am a liar if i said i am not… a bit yes but very nope… for me… after the wreckage that i’ve survived… i am xxxtra careful… i tend to avoid any serious relationship…yeah right… though it is unavoidably difficult to do so… bahhh... both the emotions and judgments should be well tended and they should not intermingle with one and another… i am afraid… i don’t want to be hurt again… never ever…

my thanks to God… though two of my younger siblings are married… i am cool and remain undisturbed about it… in plain fact, i am happy for them for they are able to love and to be loved… i am glad and really thankful for being born in this family… my parents do not offend me with questions like “kau bila lagi?”… my grandma, uncles and aunts… all of them do not pressure me with the Malay stereotype questions… i am pleased with this kind of mentality and surely i am free to solely direct my mystifying life… just patiently wait for the time to come… the yet to come time…

as for now… this moment… my absolute task at hand is to set this caged spirit out… to break the heavy metal chains… and to be able to soar again like an eagle amidst the white fluffy clouds… to become one in spirit, strength, soul and faith… to be the same old person that i once was… 24/7jovial, high spirited and full with unabashed confidence… no matter whether they are in thunder, lightning or in rain… may i find the lost chunks… all it takes are an utmost patience and a fearless heart… to be steadfast... may this Ramadhan illuminate the path…

yea... yea... aku berjaya! alas! akhirnya aku berjaya juga letakkan guest book di dalam blog aku nih... yippie! bukan itu sahaja... malah aku juga berjaya meriki stats counter dan juga edit addresses dalam recommendation section tuh... kekekeke... sungguh rumit html nih kepada yang novice seperti aku... ndak-ndak pulak aku kena experiment dan belajar sendiri pulak tu... fuhhhh... anyway, thanks adysyah for kicking my senses and theoretically motivating me to come out with a guest book... and special thanks sifu master kerana merasmikan guest book aku ni... kekeke... perasan tak yang guest book aku nih dari the same company? hehehe... anyway, aku akan gigih belajar dan belajar lagi sehingga aku dapat buat satu site sendiri menggunakan flash etc. etc. all the best mummy! errmmm... ringan sikit kepala otak aku hari ni... selama ini aku hanya memikirkan tentang thesis saja... but to do and to discover and to learn something new... yup! it is indeed a great feeling!!!

selamat berbuka dengan bahagia!

I'm experimenting to add in a guest book! May I succeed!

my gratitude to Allah the Almighty for giving me patience and strength to endure the first fasting day... gulp... gulp... gulp... two glasses of soy bean drink... one balah... in togetherness with the call of maghrib prayer... to end the whole day of hunger and thirst... alhamdulillah again... as malaysians we are very lucky because our country is blessed with plenty of food and also peace... we are able to perform our duty as His servant in tranquility and void from any turmoils and blasts of shells... indeed... we have to be very thankful for these...

though i am a bit restless the whole day thinking about my unresolved knot... a call from a friend has somehow healed the tension and the restlessness... thanks dear friend for the warm thoughts... i wish and i pray that you'll succeed... insya-Allah... there's a silverlining... all it takes are patience, endurance and galloons of hopes and prayers...

as for me... today, i'm searching for a firm ground... a ground where i can plant my feet safely... a ground where i can rest and be assured that everything will turn out to be safe and okay... a ground where i can find my real root... i have to search for a ground... though in myth... though in reality... though in dreams... the ground must be found... the solid ground... the unshaken ground... may tomorrow be a better day...

Ramadhan datang lagi...
Assalamua'laikum bulan mulia...

aku ingin lepas bebas... bebas untuk mencari damai... aku ingin terbang di angkasa... terbang mencari jalan pulang... alhamdulillah... aku masih hidup bernafas di bumi ini untuk menikmatinya sekali lagi... menikmati bulan yang menjanjikan seribu ketenteraman... bulan yang dinanti-nantikan... hadir aku di dalam sepi... hadir aku untuk membunuh... membunuh rasa pembawa binasa... membunuh nafsu peledak amarah... membunuh resah penyesak jiwa... moga Ramadhan ini membawa aman, tenang, damai dan arah...

salam to the world!

tranquility and peace?

today is an absolute joy for me... to be surrounded by the loved ones is a priceless moment... errmmm... thanks a lot Siti for the ride yesterday... thanks lovely ladies for picking me up at Senawang... ehehehe... tomorrow is a fiesta day for the Indians... a fiesta for me? perhaps there is yet to be one... perhaps...

we need to be grateful for what Allah has given us... no matter whether it is pain or laughter... whether it is sorrow or happiness... for beneath everything there lies wisdom and perhaps... with enough gratitude and patience the end will be joy and unlimited gains... i've considered my life to be like a shadow without its solid entity... a shadow that is still roaming on earth looking for its perfect solid match...

most of my friends have built their own stable life... some with their own family... some with good career... some with a promising future... it is undeniable that there are some of my friends who are yet to find root in their job and also some who are yet to be satisfied about their life... well... we are humans and the word "satisfaction" is indeed multifaceted in essence... errmmm... let me talk about me... from the skin of it... my life seems to be perfect... i have a family to support me both in spiritual and material providence... i have understanding friends around me... i receive monthly allowances to further my study... i own a car... my own laptop (a gift from my father)... my own comfortable rented house... my own phone lines... and in fact almost everything... almost... from the inward... a heated debate is running amok in my heart, brain and every single veins in my body... alhamdulillah... i am grateful to Allah for what He has bestowed upon me... but... somewhere within... there's an abyss of loneliness and emptiness... the abyss that is undescribable to mortals... the abyss that can evoke thousands of trumped up interpretations for those minds that understand not...

small chuckle... perhaps some are thinking that i'm talking about life's soul mate... perhaps some are thinking about my level of kegersangan... perhaps some are thinking that i'm pondering about who will be the prince charming who will sweep my feet away... small chuckles again... rest assured for the word "man" is not listed in my life's dictionary... not yet... once bitten twice shy... i don't want to be hurt again... well... well... the flow of thoughts tonight actually streaming towards the subject matter of aim in life... yup! this is the one that creates such abyss...

hmmm... my glasses need to be changed... perhaps my vision has become more blurred... let me use the binocular... well... i don't know how to use it so, it remains useless in my hands... still i can't see what lies ahead... let me try the magnifier... better... but i still need to move the magnifier from one section to another section of the paragraphs... the final alternative... whooosshhh... use a pail of water to make my sight clearer... hmmm... ever wonder how this can work? hmmm... experiment dear... experiment... our life is or can be analogious to an experiment... there will be trial... there will be error... and above the trials and errors the most sweetest thing is when we can say EUREKA! when our experiment is proven distinguished and useful for the whole lot of earth's inhibitants... but is that the real aim of life? to gain fame... to gain name... to have the title doctor or associate professor or professor in front of my name... is this my real aim of life?

kching... kching... kching... the sound of shillings in our pockets... echoing the nearing of the end of the month... i sometimes feel a bit flabbergasted seeing how kids are fed with haagen daas... cheese cakes from coffee beans... cookies from famous amos... and mcdonalds is just like their staple meal... they are so well fed... they are so lucky... in terms of materials upbringing they never have any disadvantage... it is totally different from my young days... kfc is something wow... cheese cakes? what are those? aliens? cookies? ermmm... biskut lemak pingpong? it is undeniable that the world we are living in today is far different from our grandparents'... we are living in a technology based world... cellular phones are not to mark our sosial economic status... they have become a necessity... kids at the age of seven carry their own's... life has been materialised... materialised to the extent many people aim for the money... materialised to the extent parents abandon their kids to work extra hours... materialised to the extent humanity has ceased to exist in the hearts of brutish men... if we turn to the other side of the coin... afar... in the villages... amidst the surge of modernity and the race to be rich... there are those who are lost... lost and drowned... they are gulping for air to resurface... gulping for guidance and hope... the actual gap between the rich and the poor in reality is too broad... in our race to collect the chunks of gold along the way, certain people are being forgotten... certain people are being brushed aside... insignificant... their roles in providing rice, fish, vegetables, rubber, oil... have somehow being sneered at... hmmm... contemplating upon these... striving of having an account in the swiss bank... striving to own a jaguar... striving to own hundreds of gold 'credit' cards... striving to be the richest... the one who possesses every virtue of wealth at ease... errmmm... is the search for wealth my real aim of life?

knowledge is power... power without knowledge is just like a vacumn chamber... you own a chamber yet without any oxygen to be inhaled... how about knowledge without power? sometimes knowledge that we gain can deceive us... sometimes knowledge that we gain can help us... sometimes knowledge that we gain can make us prosper... sometimes knowledge that we gain can even kill us... all depend on what kind of knowledge that we are interested in... i believe that every knowledge is pure... but in the hand of its possessor, the pure knowledge is moulded into the desired effects... whether for the betterment or for the damnation... i learn english linguistic and literature... i also learn Islamic Revealed Knowledge... i learn about my race and my forevermore Malay martial arts... i learn some stuffs on computers and technology... the questions are... above all the things that i have learnt (1) which one is my real dominant knowledge? (2) which area of knowledge has a positive impact on my life? (3) which knowledge really assimilates with my way of life, thoughts and behaviour? (4) i am the reflection of which area of knowledge? and finally, (5) from the above areas of knowledge, which one stimulates my sense of being and ultimately guides me to my real aim of life?

errrmmm... after thrashing these out... i figure out that in actual fact... i have already had the definite answer... let not people laugh at me... let not people cast a scrawny glance at me... let not people mock at me... for i am what i am and the world have to accept me as what i am... without any selfish alteration... let my real aim of life remains discreet at the moment... it is mine... my gratitude and utmost thanks to my Creator for giving me the strength to move on... for giving me the tranquility of soul and mind this quiet night... opppsss... wait for awhile... okay... the couch is calling me... let me retire to the comfort of my living room for tomorrow i will embark on another journey... a journey that is filled with hopes and dreams... a journey that i wish will never end short... adios Mummy!

Kadang-kadang kita lupa. Lupa pada matlamat sebenar kehidupan insani. Lupa kepada asal kejadian kita. Lupa kepada sejarah yang telah mencorakkan kehidupan kita. Itu adalah lumrah manusia. Manusia selalu lupa. Manusia perlu sentiasa disentak dan diberi peringatan. Kealpaan selalu membuatkan manusia menjerumuskan diri ke lembah kehinaan. Nau'zubillah...

Petikan daripada...

Syair Perahu
~Hamzah Fansuri~

Inilah gerangan suatu madah
Mengarangkan syair terlalu indah
Membetuli jalan tempat berpindah
Di sanalah i'tikad diperbetuli sudah

Wahai muda kenali dirimu
Ialah perahu tamsil tubuhmu
Tiadalah berapa lama hidupmu
Ke akhirat jua kekal diammu

Hai muda arif budiman
Hasilkan kemudi dengan pedoman
Alat perahumu jua kerjakan
Itulah jalan membetuli insan

Sretttt... Srroott... Achhommm! I am feverish... cold fever... a nasty flu... my body has been so pampered and my walking activity yesterday has ended up in muscles strain and a cold fever... my throat is sore... my tummy keeps rumbling both from hunger and the efficent answer to the call of the nature... uikkkss...

-----------------------------------------------------

ahhh... a treat of ginger broth really refreshes my blocked nostrils... alhamdulillah...

Before retiring to bed... just want to drop a note for my dear sahabat who is celebrating her birthday today... Happy Birthday Zura... Cool Always... :-)

huish... penat gilos... hari ini dalam sejarah... alkisah... aku menapak dari rumah ku di Lebuh Nipah ke kampus... rasa mau tercabut kepala lutut ku ini... itu laa... manja sangat... sekali sekali bersusah payah seakan berpinar seluruh anggota badan... perjalanan pulang adalah amat menyelesakan sekali... dengan muka yang sungguh tebal dan tidak malu... aku meminta Sara menghantar ku pulang... kekeke...

pernah dengar tak lagu ini... favourite aku semasa kecil... mungkin sekarang dipopularkan semula oleh kumpulan Senario...

Bapa ku pulang dari kota
Bapa ku belikan kereta
Kereta kecil warna merah
Akan ku bawa ke sekolah
Pon pon pon pon pon pon pon pon pon
Kereta kecil ku berbunyi
Marilah adik mari naik
Boleh ku bawa jumpa nenek

Rindu laaa... rindu kat maniobi... uwaaaaa... sob... sob...

The Brief Episode with My Supervisor

Him: Eliza... you should have defended your topic well...

Me: Yup! I know sir... it that was my fault... I didn't argue well... I was speechless... unable to answer the questions... I was attacked and I couldn't think well...

Him: You should be confident with yourself... if you know the topic well then you should be able to defend it well too...

Me: Yup! But sir... I have to admit this... my self esteem is very low now... I don't really have confidence in me...

Him: Ignore what others said... just carry on with your work and take up their views in a constructive manner... prove to them that you are capable to do your thesis within one month...

Me: Frankly sir... do you have confidence in me? Are you confident that I manage to do this?

Him: Definitely! Of course I am confident that you will be able to do this...

Me: (hesitant smile) Oooo... thank you sir... I really need that. I'll try my best.

After saying goodbye she left the room with a new spirit... a new outlook towards life... and the only thing that is left unsaid... May the zest remain!!!

alhamdulillah... perjalanan yang bermula seawal 9 pagi tadi telah berakhir dengan selamat pada jam 6 petang... aku menaiki bas untuk pulang ke tanjung... maniobi ku tinggalkan di rumah... beliau sudah terlalu penat berkhidmat... lagipun aku juga amat tidak larat untuk memandu pulang... masa yang panjang di dalam bas ku habiskan dengan lena yang panjang... lena di dalam kegelisahan dan kepenatan... semalam aku sampai di melaka lewat petang... hanya sempat meluangkan masa bersama keluarga tercinta untuk seketika... subuh menjelang... aku terpaksa berkelana semua... berkelana ke wilayah utara...

malam ini... aku berasa sedikit gelisah... gelisah dengan apa yang bakal aku hadapi di dalam pertemuan dengan penyelia ku pada keesokan harinya... gelisah memikirkan kemungkinan-kemungkinan yang tidak pasti... sesungguhnya kehidupan ku ini adalah sesuatu yang tidak pasti... aku sendiri tidak pasti apa yang aku benar-benar mahukan di dalam hidup ku ini... adakah segalanya yang telah berlaku di dalam hidup ku ini cuma suatu persinggahan tempat di mana aku diuji dan diduga untuk suatu matlamat yang benar-benar tercipta untuk diriku? adakah apa yang aku alami sekarang merupakan kesudahan yang panjang buat diriku ini? adakah aku ini benar-benar pasti dengan segala ketidakpastian ini? selama mana boleh aku bertahan? adakah aku benar-benar kuat dan tabah? adakah aku benar-benar secerdik yang disangkakan? adakah aku mampu? siapakah aku sebenarnya?

tunjahan demi tunjahan... asakan demi asakan... segalanya bagaikan tombak menikam lumat jantung ku ini... perit... darah memercik membasahi bumi... diresap dek tanah kelabu... tanah ini tanahair ku... walaupun kelabu... di sini aku mesti berdiri... di sini aku mesti gagah... kerana... di sini segala-galanya bermula dan mungkin... di sini segala-galanya bakal berakhir... walau berpalit duka... walau berpalit sengsara... akhiran yang baik... akhiran yang penuh dengan seribu makna...

Semalam...

Happy Birthday to Us
Happy Birthday to Us
Happy Birthday M2RAH
Happy Birthday to Us!

Saat-saat semalam adalah sungguh indah
Pengalaman yang amat indah pada tahun ini, bulan ini dan saat ini
Terima kasih...
Terma kasih tak terhingga buat sahabat-sahabat ku sekalian

For always being there
For all the ears and the wise words
For the shoulders
For the laughters
For the tears
For the smiles
and most importantly
For being the bestest sahabat in the whole wide world!

May Allah bless and protect us always
Kasih selamanya...

Hari ini...

terasa nak pengsan... wahahaha... penat berjalan dan penat bersosial... penat tapi best... still... rasa nak pengsan... hehehe... tak larat nak tulis pepanjang malam ni... zzzzz.... selamat malam dunia!

Alhamdulillah... syukur kepada Ilahi di atas limpahan kurnia Rahmatnya...

Aku kini berada di alam fantasi
Alam fantasi yang belum berakhir
Tiada kesudahan... Tiada noktah...
Yang ada hanya duri-duri, dedaunan dan kembangan ros merah
Air keruh bisa berkocak
Melahirkan keladak kehidupan hitam
Membuahkan rasa syahdu
Jelek pada yang memandang
Aku kini berada di alam fantasi
Alam fantasi yang belum berakhir

Buat sahabat-sahabat seperjuangan sekalian... sambutlah salam kasih dan mesra dari ku di Utara... Insya-Allah... esok kita pasti ketemu... Terima kasih Kak Tim sekeluarga kerana sudi melapangkan masa untuk singgah ke teratak hamba yang kecil ini... Kalungan kasih buat semua ahli keluargaku, sahabatku dan teman-teman sekalian...

Kehidupan mendatang pasti menjanjikan seribu misteri... aku sabar menanti...

I slept the whole day... though I did not drive during the recent short trip to KL... the tiredness was still there... sticking to my body like a stubborn parasite... Perhaps tomorrow or early Friday I would have to travel again... again... to meet a social dateline...
Thank you Dila for a nice sardine and cekodok breakfast...
Thank you Kak Tim for the dinner treat at Teluk Tempoyak...
Really appreciate it so much... what a bad host am I...
May tomorrow brings happiness and wealth!
Good nite world!

Hellooooo… Assalamua’alaikum…

How I really miss you my dear blog! It has been days since I logged in onto the net. What a relief! At last! Here I am... Just arrived on this island with Dila…

Saturday 19/10/02

Memories… the sweet, the sour, the ‘bitter’… and everything under the sun were recollected. The day eagerly started with an excitement and hopes… lots of hopes. The hope to rekindle the restless roaming shadow. The hope to end the day with smiles and laughters. The hope to have a safe journey. The hope to reunite. The reunion of Five Power Puff Ladies.

It was an early day… excitement awaits… the erratic Mummy had finally made her sudden decision. She decided to leave the heavy boulders behind… unpolished and unrefined. Let them be… Let them be… Let them be…

“Here I come Kuala Lumpur!” she said. Yup! Even Siti was really surprised… Even she herself was in a great surprise…

The bus came at 9.15 after both of them had their breakfast at Taman Dato Sardun. Siti left for work and Mummy left for Kuala Lumpur. The journey was not tiring at all. She managed to stay awake the whole 4.30 hours on the bus. Excitement impeded her from falling asleep. Excitement impeded her from slouching. She sat straight sucking lollipops and watching “So Close” and “Derailed”. The hand phone kept beeping sending messages after other and another. Time was really well occupied. The journey ended as a short journey. Not even a tinge of tiredness was felt. Time passed without even she realized it. It was indeed an invigorating journey. The hasty burdens were left behind. They were left in the tiny suffocating island… in a chaotic mess. Let them be… Let them be… Let them be…

Muahaha… what a nice experience! A chubby lady like her was ‘pewwwwiittted’ by the passer-bys. The motorists gave a curious and perhaps a ‘gatal’ glance! Unbelievable! Muahahah again… Alas! The ‘kuda belang’ arrived… thanks dear sahabat! The sun had already scorched her… muakaka… just kidding. Then off they went to TJ… gathered there, the four of them… and off again… to the destination…

____________________________________________________________

There?
off goes the winter
Hi dearie spring
off goes the springtime
Hi ouchy summer
off goes the summer
Hiya brown fall
off goes the fall
again… welcome cold white winter
Here?
drip… drop… drip… drop…
Says the rain
crash… boom… crack
Says the thunder
whish… whosh… zrasss…
Says the storm…
auww… ouch… iurghh…
Says those who are scorched by the fierce sun
Now… This moment… This day…
the weather is finely fused… finely mused…
East West North South
The murmur of a lonely symphony
into
The rebirth of jazz and soul
in merriment… in suppressed tears… in gratitude…
celebrating the union
the hearts of five dance
Welcome back to the kampung soil!
_________________________________________________________

Sunday 20/10/02

The night was spent at Ayla’s… woke up early in the morning with hopes and anticipations… yet… tickets were sold out… nil… and no other means to go back there… nil…

bukannya aku ingin sangat untuk pulang ke pulau itu… tetapi kaki perlu digagahkan untuk melangkah… hati perlu dicekalkan… kekusutan itu perlu dihadapi dengan tenang dan sabar… Ya Allah! Ku pohon kekuatan dan hidayah darimu… hanya Engkau yang Maha Memahami segala sesuatu…

The afternoon was spent at Dila’s… washing clothes and dozing off while waiting for the clothes to dry… After Asar… off to Bangi for a sumptuous iftar… nyummy… yummy… burppp… thanks gals! Thank you for the dinner and the time… Thank you for the roof and the shelter… May the Almighty repay thou kindness…

walaupun senyuman dan keriangan terpancar di wajah… riak kesedihan seakan sukar usai dari benak fikiran… hati dibayangi kabut kelabu… kabut degil yang sukar dilenyapkan… kegembiraan berbaur kesedihan memancar aroma kegelisahan… kegelisahan yang memenatkan setiap saraf… setiap denyutan nadi… setiap denyut jantung… wajah merah ceria… benak pucat lesi… segalanya mungkin… segala yang buruk… segala yang baik… segala yang bodoh… segala yang pasti dan tidak pasti… aku pasrah…


Monday 21/10/02

STRANDED in Kuala Lumpur… still...
in madness… in numbness… in guilt… in sorrow… in melancholic happiness…

hikety… dokety… dooo…
brikety… bukety… booo…

The day ended with satisfied hunger… bitter regrets… and a revelation!


Tuesday 22/10/02

Nisfu Syaban!

Rasa berat untuk meninggalkan kotaraya ini…
Namun, walaupun geruh terasa…
Bersemuka adalah lebih baik dari menikus
Bertentang mata adalah lebih baik dari berselindung
Kenapa perlu takut?
Takut itu hanya kepada Dia…
Kenapa perlu gusar?
Gusar itu tunjahan iblis…
Kenapa perlu lari?
Lari itu sifat pengecut…
Persoalannya…
Adakah aku cukup berani?
Adakah aku cukup tenang?
Adakah aku cukup tabah?

I really feel like puking out my tummy… the mixture of the emotions is unbearable… I want to let them go… I want to be free… I want to have peace…

truttt… truttt… truttt… truttt…

The early morning phone conversation leads to a relief and stress free state of being… An advice was sought and good advice was given… The heavy weight has somehow being lifted…

The Verdict:

I was advised to not submit the thesis this mid-November. Hence, an F will be given. F will temporarily appear on my result slip until I pass the thesis. Forego the remaining 10 credits registration on the 25th. October. Hence, money will not be wasted. Take a break… Polish the paper by considering feedback received during the presentation… Come out with a concrete and good literature review including a sensible theoretical framework… Carry on with the subject at hand… Stick to the same supervisor… No other proposal presentation… May 2003… register again… every data is there… just assemble all the information… edit and submit… how about that?

Alhamdulillah… though there will be a bit technical disruption with the scholarship… this advice is really a stress free and an invigorating advice… Insya-Allah myself, my family, my friends, my government and everybody out there… I’ll give my 110%... I must… I can… I will…

______________________________________________________________

Hey tiny island! I’m baccccckkkkkkk! More dangerous than ever… Thank you Allah for helping me… Thank you very much… Indeed, today is really a blessed nisfu Syaaban...