i hate it when people nag... as if i don't have my own mind, my own feelings and my own needs... bla... bla... bla... exactly like birds chirping in the morning... at least the sound of birds chirping is more pleasant... really feel like kicking that noisy human birdie... urgghh... that's what i've repeatedly said before... i'm not my own life's director... my life is directed by others' wants and whimsicals... mummy don't do this do that... along do this don't do that... eliza do this not that... now i am really confused... who am i? mummy or along or eliza... i believe i don't want to be them all... let me be somebody else... ika kamarulaini? yuckie... that sucks... personality crisis huh? you bet...

you have had your own perfect life... i guess... that doesn't give you the slightest right to throw in more mess in my already chaotic life... you said that you are a sensitive person... ironic isn't it... you are not as sensitive as you claimed to be... what i need now is a good listener... somebody who is willing to listen and reserve the nags... you can only see... but the weight of it really is on my shoulders... not yours... try to be in my shoes and let us see whether you are able to carry the burden or not... it is easy to throw words at others but it is definitely not easy if you are me...

i might sound malignant when writing this but it comes from my sane mind and heart... true... it is not easy being me...

anyway, the kinohimitsu is working... i manage to extract loads of toxic waste right through my feet... tonite... i will paste kino again... i hate to think about the above in details... further look at it might create deeper cuts in me... let it passes through... at least i will not suffer a high blood pressure to ponder about minute stuff like that... the weather today is really dreadful... gloomy from morning until night... the reflection of my feelings for the whole day i guess...

i have to find some musings to heal the pain... behold! an unknown stranger is dragging him/her self to the doors... looking for the right door to open... the yellow one on the right... the red one on the left... the white one infront... and... the grey one behind.... which one is the correct door?