dumbfounded...

it was a turn off… her eyes were still sticky… her vision was still blurred… her senses were yet to warm up and adjust itself to the surroundings… she was greeted…

“along, hari ni kau ada mission.”
“errmmm?”
“hantar adik ipar kau balik.”
“hantar ke mana? stesen bas ke?”
“tak… hantar balik Kajang…”

the sahur dishes were absolutely nyummy… pity… she had lost her appetite… she swallowed her bitter coffee bitterly… her tummy grumbled… her heart sank… her refusal had prompted the father to sacrifice his working time… sacrifice his time and energy… just to send his daughter in-law back…

should i be angry? should i be sore and sour? sayangkan anak hantarkan anak ke stesen bas… sayangkan menantu hantarkan menantu ke destinasi dituju… i did not blame my father for his care, concern and uncompromising sense of responsibility… in fact i am always touched by his paternal persona… his roles as a loving and caring father are unquestionable… indeed… he is the bestest father the whole wide world!

truly, my grumbles and woes are directed to the role of a husband in providing for his wife… is a man a good husband if he still demands for capital from his yet to retire parents? is a man a good husband if he still stays at his parents’ residence without an immediate worry to find a house for him and his wife? is a man a good husband if he depends on his parents to feed him and his wife? is a man a good husband if he himself cannot take a good care of his very own wife such as to send his own wife back to her working place, be a bit responsible if not in totality? my refusal was based on these maddening questions...

i am always forever willing to serve my parents and my siblings… they are my blood… my world… but sometimes towards a certain extent… somebody needs to be struck by a massive lightning… to be awakened from the comfortable dependent slumber… just to wake up and notice that age has added up… and along with it a tie has been bonded with a stranger, a stranger who has become part of the family… and along with it responsibilities has added up… and along with it our parents’ sacrifices, endless care and late night candles, though priceless and pricey, somehow... should be repaid… if not through material providence... at least through love and care… and absolutely through not letting them have restless nights thinking on how to get an extra money for the now already grown-up kids…

contemplating on these… my heart beats in frenzy… time has taught me that out there there are many men whom cannot be trusted… an extreme statement perhaps… errmmm… i had a bitter experience of being in love with someone’s husband… a naiveté was i… i didn’t even realize that he was a married man and i had become his object of experiment and amusement… almost exactly like a guinea pig… to be hurt and to be mocked at… time has alerted me yet i was caught in another colossal three dimensions spider web… the recent episode which has left undying bruises within me… hmmm… in togetherness with close observations and indirect experiences in friends’ and family’s marital and love relationships… i guess… time has been very truthful and sincere in narrating the lessons… may be i sounded like an ultra feminist… nope… just sounded like one but truly… i am not a feminist though in the past i’ve tempted to become one… my religion does not teach such and in fact the Almighty Lord has said in the Holy Quran that His creations exist in pairs… we have our own pair… i’ve been tested… i've endured the “filtration” stage without any major stumbles… i strongly believe that there are wisdoms behind every pains and hardships that i’ve experienced… as i always say… there will be beautiful rainbows after every stormy and rainy days… there’ll be a silverlining…

some of my single lady friends are very fidgety about not having a long-term and an everlasting relationship… am i fidgety too? well… i am a liar if i said i am not… a bit yes but very nope… for me… after the wreckage that i’ve survived… i am xxxtra careful… i tend to avoid any serious relationship…yeah right… though it is unavoidably difficult to do so… bahhh... both the emotions and judgments should be well tended and they should not intermingle with one and another… i am afraid… i don’t want to be hurt again… never ever…

my thanks to God… though two of my younger siblings are married… i am cool and remain undisturbed about it… in plain fact, i am happy for them for they are able to love and to be loved… i am glad and really thankful for being born in this family… my parents do not offend me with questions like “kau bila lagi?”… my grandma, uncles and aunts… all of them do not pressure me with the Malay stereotype questions… i am pleased with this kind of mentality and surely i am free to solely direct my mystifying life… just patiently wait for the time to come… the yet to come time…

as for now… this moment… my absolute task at hand is to set this caged spirit out… to break the heavy metal chains… and to be able to soar again like an eagle amidst the white fluffy clouds… to become one in spirit, strength, soul and faith… to be the same old person that i once was… 24/7jovial, high spirited and full with unabashed confidence… no matter whether they are in thunder, lightning or in rain… may i find the lost chunks… all it takes are an utmost patience and a fearless heart… to be steadfast... may this Ramadhan illuminate the path…