hari ini aku berkulat lagi... makin bertambah la cendawan-cendawan yang bakal tumbuh di sana sini sebab dari pagi hingga ke malam hujan turun... suasana sungguh sepoi-sepoi bahasa... rumput-rampai nampak segar menghijau dan kemuncup? ait! makin tinggi nampaknya... rasanya baru minggu lepas mereka-mereka itu ditebang... hehehe... tadi, semua orang membuat panggilan ke rumah... ada yang memberitahu esok ada final exam... errmmm... memang ada ujud ipt yang tak cuti di hari cuti ni... aku pernah melaluinya... ;-p ada yang mengucapkan gong xi fa chai... mang aiiih... ganas tuh... bila masa nama aku bertukar menjadi eliza wong fey fey... hehehe... ada yang tanya summary cerita betty... iskh la... bila masa pulak aku jadi reporter ni... kekeke... ala... si alfonso tuh rindu nak balik rumah la tuh... tu pasal tepon dan sebagai alasannya bertanyakan tentang cerita betty ;-p hehehe... tak apa... esok dia balik aku akan buli sama dia puas-puas... yehaaa! yaribba! yaribba! andre! andre!
disebabkan suasana hari ini cool aje maka lebih banyak buku baca dari baca buku... blewppp... eheh... tapi malam ni, disebalik kesejukkan alam... kepala aku dan hati aku jadi panas semula... malas... malas... letih la nak layan... dan yang pastinya akulah yang akan menjadi badut sarkas untuk menceriakan suasana... all the best to me!
n.b. ehhh... lupa pulak... tahun ini tahun kambing... mengikut ramalan feng shui... mereka-meraka yang lahir pada tahun harimau dan tahun ular kena berhati-hati pada tahun kambing ni... tak ngam... errrmmm...
Friday, January 31, 2003
Thursday, January 30, 2003
alahai... rindu banget sama alfonso... sunyi aje rumah hari ni... cuti sekolah dah bermula tapi yang kedengaran hanyalah riuh rendah anak-anak jiran sebelah... hehehe... macam la adik aku tu terpekik terlolong aje sepanjang hari... tak... tapi yang pastinya... aku boleh ajak dia lepak kat warung simpang selandar layan mee sop atau satay... yang pastinya aku boleh ajak dia ke d'mart beli eskrim... ajak layan sushi kat tesco... paling tidak pun ajak ke foh chiuk shopping centre tuh beli minuman yoghurt... erppp... mesti kembang semangkuk dia kalau baca entry aku ni... hehehe...
adik-adik yang kat ipta pulak semuanya sibuk dengan exams dan aktiviti persatuan... raya cina ni mereka tak balik... the johorians pun tak pasti mereka balik atau tidak... walaupun sedang cuti sekolah tapi kedua-duanya sibuk... maka... tinggallah aku dengan mak dan ayah di rumah ni... the trio... hahaha... ada lagi sebenarnya orang di rumah ni tapi malas aaa nak include... keujudannya seperti tak ujud... asyik bertapa aje dalam bilik tuh siang malam :-p
aku memang dah baikkkk rancang nak balik utara masa raya cina ni tapi disebabkan aku tidak mendapat kebenaran agung maka aku pun stay la di sini... tandus... tandus... cina yang beraya aku yang tandus... kalau dapat ang pow ni best jugak ni... hehehe... kemudian aku ada a bit of medical stuffs that i have to look after... tak sihat aku ni... nampak aje cargas, very the very plumpy dan boleh ke hulu ke hilir tapi ada masalah problem... dulu aku pakai kinohimitsu... hari ni aku try spirulina pulak... drugs? not yet... anyway anyhow... supervisor aku pun dah kata okay yang aku boleh teruskan kerja aku di selatan ni... oleh kerana dia telah memberikan kepercayaan pada aku maka aku akan cuba melaksanakan dengan sewajarnya... i can... i can... i can...
hidup terasa sedikit tenang... kalau boleh pada waktu-waktu sebegini aku tidak mahu blues... aku kena focus... aku kena tingkatkan will and determination... sekarang ni aku kena bersedia untuk berperang dan mengenyahkan syaitan-syaitan penghasut dan nafsu-nafsu yang sia-sia... moga aku berjaya! jazakallahukhairankathira...
p/s: go armando go! go get your betty! yehaaa!
adik-adik yang kat ipta pulak semuanya sibuk dengan exams dan aktiviti persatuan... raya cina ni mereka tak balik... the johorians pun tak pasti mereka balik atau tidak... walaupun sedang cuti sekolah tapi kedua-duanya sibuk... maka... tinggallah aku dengan mak dan ayah di rumah ni... the trio... hahaha... ada lagi sebenarnya orang di rumah ni tapi malas aaa nak include... keujudannya seperti tak ujud... asyik bertapa aje dalam bilik tuh siang malam :-p
aku memang dah baikkkk rancang nak balik utara masa raya cina ni tapi disebabkan aku tidak mendapat kebenaran agung maka aku pun stay la di sini... tandus... tandus... cina yang beraya aku yang tandus... kalau dapat ang pow ni best jugak ni... hehehe... kemudian aku ada a bit of medical stuffs that i have to look after... tak sihat aku ni... nampak aje cargas, very the very plumpy dan boleh ke hulu ke hilir tapi ada masalah problem... dulu aku pakai kinohimitsu... hari ni aku try spirulina pulak... drugs? not yet... anyway anyhow... supervisor aku pun dah kata okay yang aku boleh teruskan kerja aku di selatan ni... oleh kerana dia telah memberikan kepercayaan pada aku maka aku akan cuba melaksanakan dengan sewajarnya... i can... i can... i can...
hidup terasa sedikit tenang... kalau boleh pada waktu-waktu sebegini aku tidak mahu blues... aku kena focus... aku kena tingkatkan will and determination... sekarang ni aku kena bersedia untuk berperang dan mengenyahkan syaitan-syaitan penghasut dan nafsu-nafsu yang sia-sia... moga aku berjaya! jazakallahukhairankathira...
p/s: go armando go! go get your betty! yehaaa!
Wednesday, January 29, 2003
burrppp... alhamdulillah... baru saja melatam dua bekas polisterin nasi ayam... aku mesti berpuasa esok ni... ini disebabkan kemaruk nasi la ni sebab dah lebih kurang dua tiga hari la juga kami kena go on diet makan nasi beras faiza herba ponni tu... boringgg... makan tanpa ada perasaan aje... hehehe... nasib baik ayah tak suruh kami makan beras unpolished tu... lagi kesihatan... kekeke... kemudian seluruh minggu lepas dan hari-hari mendatang ini kami kena makan bebenda kukus dan rebus sahaja... health concious la pulak... :-|
malam ni sunyi banyak sebab si alfonso tuh takde... rindu la pulak... takde bahan nak buli... takde bahan nak sakat... dia ada kursus motivasi sehingga hari sabtu... boringgg... takde orang nak dibabucikan... takkan nak sakat mak ngan ayah pulak kot... kekeke...
tadi aku ada baca one interesting article dalam cleo... about women that are known as late developers... late bloomers... eheh... terasa pulak aku... kadar kematangan yang sungguh lambat... kadar sensitiviti yang mengarut... kadar ketidaktetapan pendirian pada tahap dewa... kadar mendapat the grasp of life yang sungguh moist... tapi... ingat senang ke nak jadi manusia ni? matnasia memang mudah tapi manusia? pergghhh... itulah sebab zaman sekarang ni ramai manusia yang bertopengkan haiwan... zina, haruan makan anak, buang bayi dan banyak lagi... ini kerana sukarnya manusia itu memahami peranan sebenar manusia di muka bumi ini... ini baru kesukaran nak jadi manusia... belum masuk lagi kehebatan dugaan untuk menjadi hamba... menjadi khalifah... semakin berilmu seseorang tuh semakin banyaklah tanggungjawabnya... semakin besarlah dugaannya... dan... semakin banyak rintangan yang perlu dilalui agar ilmu yang ada boleh diamalkan dan ditambah lagi... dan akhirnya dimanfaatkan untuk umat sejagat...
itulah... kadang-kadang aku ni melatah... matnasia... lupa... aku cuma insan biasa... tiada yang istimewa... aku bodoh... kecil dan kerdil... perlu dibimbing... perlu diperingati... senses perlu disepak sekali sekala... siapa yang menyepak? aku sendiri la... aku ni schizophrenic ke? kekeke...
by the way, semalam armando menangis... alahai... aku pun rasa nak nangis gak ni... dia taklah seleleh fernando jose tuh... alahai... syahdu aaa tengok keinsafan armando... sob... sob... tasing... tasing... hari ni armando mengaruk sampai mario pun kena minum wiski... alahai... betty pulak nak ikut michel ke cartagne... iskh... iskh... tak sabar lanih nak tengok apa terjadi ni... dah tak lama lagi dah ni... tinggal beberapa episode ajek lagi nak abis... alahai... lahai... iskh... masih terbayang muka armando mendoza tuh nangis... hehehe...
baiklah... ada tugas yang perlu dilaksanakan... selamat malam dunia!
malam ni sunyi banyak sebab si alfonso tuh takde... rindu la pulak... takde bahan nak buli... takde bahan nak sakat... dia ada kursus motivasi sehingga hari sabtu... boringgg... takde orang nak dibabucikan... takkan nak sakat mak ngan ayah pulak kot... kekeke...
tadi aku ada baca one interesting article dalam cleo... about women that are known as late developers... late bloomers... eheh... terasa pulak aku... kadar kematangan yang sungguh lambat... kadar sensitiviti yang mengarut... kadar ketidaktetapan pendirian pada tahap dewa... kadar mendapat the grasp of life yang sungguh moist... tapi... ingat senang ke nak jadi manusia ni? matnasia memang mudah tapi manusia? pergghhh... itulah sebab zaman sekarang ni ramai manusia yang bertopengkan haiwan... zina, haruan makan anak, buang bayi dan banyak lagi... ini kerana sukarnya manusia itu memahami peranan sebenar manusia di muka bumi ini... ini baru kesukaran nak jadi manusia... belum masuk lagi kehebatan dugaan untuk menjadi hamba... menjadi khalifah... semakin berilmu seseorang tuh semakin banyaklah tanggungjawabnya... semakin besarlah dugaannya... dan... semakin banyak rintangan yang perlu dilalui agar ilmu yang ada boleh diamalkan dan ditambah lagi... dan akhirnya dimanfaatkan untuk umat sejagat...
itulah... kadang-kadang aku ni melatah... matnasia... lupa... aku cuma insan biasa... tiada yang istimewa... aku bodoh... kecil dan kerdil... perlu dibimbing... perlu diperingati... senses perlu disepak sekali sekala... siapa yang menyepak? aku sendiri la... aku ni schizophrenic ke? kekeke...
by the way, semalam armando menangis... alahai... aku pun rasa nak nangis gak ni... dia taklah seleleh fernando jose tuh... alahai... syahdu aaa tengok keinsafan armando... sob... sob... tasing... tasing... hari ni armando mengaruk sampai mario pun kena minum wiski... alahai... betty pulak nak ikut michel ke cartagne... iskh... iskh... tak sabar lanih nak tengok apa terjadi ni... dah tak lama lagi dah ni... tinggal beberapa episode ajek lagi nak abis... alahai... lahai... iskh... masih terbayang muka armando mendoza tuh nangis... hehehe...
baiklah... ada tugas yang perlu dilaksanakan... selamat malam dunia!
Tuesday, January 28, 2003
i gots the headache again... the banging seemeds louder... i gots the chill... it swepts across my bones, my nerves, my necks... my footses were numb and cold... seriously cold... by one tap on the mouse pad i've sent it away through the cyberspace... what will he say? what will be the verdict? must he see me that soon? i loathe the meeting! i loathe the lying! i loathe the self that is pretending to be casual and happy! i loathe them all!!! i loathe to be a hypocrite! i'm not the one... i'm not the only... the insignificant significant... still... my footses were cold... icy cold... can i close my eyes tonight! bahhhh... whatever happens... happens... am i in control? i can if i want to... arrrggghhhhhh... this pain stinks... it definitely stinks... can i scream my lungs out? useless... the neighbours might get up... i might scare them... what should i do? breath in? breath out? don't breath at all?
God, do give me strength and patience to endure your tests... I believe that I am not the 'right' person to ask things from You... a weak and tiny human I am... I beg for your Mercy... I beg for your Forgiveness... I beg for your Guidance... please give me the strength to be steadfast... please give me the might to be patient... please give me the heart to endure them all... May tranquility reach my wandering soul... Amin...
God, do give me strength and patience to endure your tests... I believe that I am not the 'right' person to ask things from You... a weak and tiny human I am... I beg for your Mercy... I beg for your Forgiveness... I beg for your Guidance... please give me the strength to be steadfast... please give me the might to be patient... please give me the heart to endure them all... May tranquility reach my wandering soul... Amin...
Monday, January 27, 2003
Sunday, January 26, 2003
mak kata, "kau tuh usia makin meningkat... amalan kena la diperbanyakkan... mati tu bila-bila saja boleh memanggil kita..."
mak kata, "mak tak mau bila mak tak ada nanti anak-anak mak hidup tak berpedoman, belajar setinggi langit sekalipun kiranya tiada agama tak ada gunanya juga..."
mak kata, "tugas mak dan ayah berikan ngkorang ilmu dunia dan agama... ingat... bila bekerja seolah-olah akan hidup selamanya... bila beramal seolah-olah akan mati keesokan harinya..."
mak kata, "mak tak mau lihat ngkorang adik beradik bercakaran merebut harta dunia bila mak ngan ayah dah tak ada nanti... mak nak ngkorang senang tapi jangan sampai lupa pada Tuhan..."
dan mak kata lagi, "mak dan ayah ni dah tua... penyakit pun dah banyak... bila-bila masa aje... mak tak mau tinggalkan hutang-hutang yang membebankan ngkorang..." maka aku pun berkata, "tapi mak... mak mana ada hutang mak... orang lain yang berhutang melalui mak ada la..."
mak kata, "memang... guna nama mak tapi mak pun bertanggungjawab juga..."
ayah menyampuk, "kau tengok aje la mak kau ni, kerja penat-penat... walaupun lutut sakit digagah jugak panjat tangga-tangga tuh... tapi setiap bulan tak pernah merasa duit gaji sendiri... baju pun baju yang tu jugak..."
emak kata, "tak apalah... semuanya untuk anak-anak juga... dah namanya mak dan ayah kenalah berkorban sebanyak mana pun... tak apa tak ada pakaian lawa-lawa... yang pentingnya anak-anak semuanya berjaya dunia dan akhirat... yang akhirat tu lebih utama..."
maka kurenung wajah mak yang semakin dimamah usia... mak selamba... mak masih meneruskan kupasan bawangnya... ayah pula masih merenung peti drama manusia... entah apa yang dipikirkannya... aku tak sanggup... lantas meninggalkan ruang tamu dan menuju ke bilikku... hatiku menangis... ingin saja aku raungkan apa yang kurasa... dan... tiba-tiba... aku terasa seperti hendak membelasah seseorang... izinkan aku...
mak kata, "mak tak mau bila mak tak ada nanti anak-anak mak hidup tak berpedoman, belajar setinggi langit sekalipun kiranya tiada agama tak ada gunanya juga..."
mak kata, "tugas mak dan ayah berikan ngkorang ilmu dunia dan agama... ingat... bila bekerja seolah-olah akan hidup selamanya... bila beramal seolah-olah akan mati keesokan harinya..."
mak kata, "mak tak mau lihat ngkorang adik beradik bercakaran merebut harta dunia bila mak ngan ayah dah tak ada nanti... mak nak ngkorang senang tapi jangan sampai lupa pada Tuhan..."
dan mak kata lagi, "mak dan ayah ni dah tua... penyakit pun dah banyak... bila-bila masa aje... mak tak mau tinggalkan hutang-hutang yang membebankan ngkorang..." maka aku pun berkata, "tapi mak... mak mana ada hutang mak... orang lain yang berhutang melalui mak ada la..."
mak kata, "memang... guna nama mak tapi mak pun bertanggungjawab juga..."
ayah menyampuk, "kau tengok aje la mak kau ni, kerja penat-penat... walaupun lutut sakit digagah jugak panjat tangga-tangga tuh... tapi setiap bulan tak pernah merasa duit gaji sendiri... baju pun baju yang tu jugak..."
emak kata, "tak apalah... semuanya untuk anak-anak juga... dah namanya mak dan ayah kenalah berkorban sebanyak mana pun... tak apa tak ada pakaian lawa-lawa... yang pentingnya anak-anak semuanya berjaya dunia dan akhirat... yang akhirat tu lebih utama..."
maka kurenung wajah mak yang semakin dimamah usia... mak selamba... mak masih meneruskan kupasan bawangnya... ayah pula masih merenung peti drama manusia... entah apa yang dipikirkannya... aku tak sanggup... lantas meninggalkan ruang tamu dan menuju ke bilikku... hatiku menangis... ingin saja aku raungkan apa yang kurasa... dan... tiba-tiba... aku terasa seperti hendak membelasah seseorang... izinkan aku...
Friday, January 24, 2003
i feel like puking my stomach out... just feel like doing that since afternoon... tired of hearing those grumps and yells... tired of looking at that veil of sadness... tired of looking at those wrinkled faces... how i wish i can stab him dead... iurrgghhh... what a dark intention... mute!
nothing fun happened today except that i've downloaded some cool kiddish games from yahoo... and the rest of the day was spent in dark hatred clenching my teeth and restraining my legs from kicking that somebody to death... others... quite 'academic'... boringgg... chatted with some friends was really a pow wow door to not feeling insane... armando mi amore... he has changed, hasn't he? and betty was yet to greet micher who was paying her a visit at ecomoda... bugger! to be continued on monday! double bugger!
iurghhh... laziness is weighted on my fingers... i've got stuffs to reflect but mebbe tonite is not the nite... true... i have that feeling again... the feeling to barb my tummy out... iurgghhhh...
nothing fun happened today except that i've downloaded some cool kiddish games from yahoo... and the rest of the day was spent in dark hatred clenching my teeth and restraining my legs from kicking that somebody to death... others... quite 'academic'... boringgg... chatted with some friends was really a pow wow door to not feeling insane... armando mi amore... he has changed, hasn't he? and betty was yet to greet micher who was paying her a visit at ecomoda... bugger! to be continued on monday! double bugger!
iurghhh... laziness is weighted on my fingers... i've got stuffs to reflect but mebbe tonite is not the nite... true... i have that feeling again... the feeling to barb my tummy out... iurgghhhh...
Thursday, January 23, 2003
fuhhh... pawer... pawer... aku baru teringat nak makan nasik dengan lauk kari ayah tapi makanan yang lagi best pulak yang datang... alhamdulillah... kasih ayah... ayah buat mee hailam pawer dia di atas permintaan emak dan tarus aku rasa macam akan semakin buncat bila duduk di rumah ni... hehehe... rejeki jangan ditolak so, aku blasah ajek la... jadiknya sambil menaip entry ni jari jemariku overtime mencepit mee dengan chopstik dan disuapkan ke mulut yang menadah luas... hehehe... jemput makan...
tadi aku rasa ada segala macam benda yang nak aku tulis malam ni tapi disebabkan mee yang best ni terhilang pulak kata-kata aku... errrmmm apa yek?
anyway, tadi aku telah membuat satu aksi revolusi... aku telah menyorokkan semua koleksi cd aku... jauhkan kesemuanya dari pandangan mata... major distraction cd-cd aku tuh... manataknya... bila buntu buat kerja aku akan capai sekeping dan layan... kalau seminit dua takperlah... ini... sampai dua jam... pembaziran masa amat berlaku... iskh... iskh... isk... tak senon betul... okeh... okeh... aku nak serius la nih... tu la pasal segalanya kena dikorbankan... mummy boleh! mummy tetap utuh! mummy unggul!
eh... tak tahan la aku tengok mee kat sebelah ni... another distraction... hehehe... :]
tadi aku rasa ada segala macam benda yang nak aku tulis malam ni tapi disebabkan mee yang best ni terhilang pulak kata-kata aku... errrmmm apa yek?
anyway, tadi aku telah membuat satu aksi revolusi... aku telah menyorokkan semua koleksi cd aku... jauhkan kesemuanya dari pandangan mata... major distraction cd-cd aku tuh... manataknya... bila buntu buat kerja aku akan capai sekeping dan layan... kalau seminit dua takperlah... ini... sampai dua jam... pembaziran masa amat berlaku... iskh... iskh... isk... tak senon betul... okeh... okeh... aku nak serius la nih... tu la pasal segalanya kena dikorbankan... mummy boleh! mummy tetap utuh! mummy unggul!
eh... tak tahan la aku tengok mee kat sebelah ni... another distraction... hehehe... :]
Wednesday, January 22, 2003
You've gotta have heart,
All you really need is heart
When the odds are sayin'
you'll never win,
That's when the grin
should start.
You've gotta have hope,
Mustn't sit around and mope,
Nothin's half as bad as it may appear,
Wait'll next year and hope.
When your luck is battin' zero,
Get your chin up off the floor;
Mister, you can be a hero,
You can open any door,
there's nothin' to it,
but to do it,
You've gotta have heart,
Miles 'n' miles 'n' miles of heart,
Oh, it's fine to be a genius, of course,
but keep that old horse
before the cart,
First you've gotta have heart.
First you've gotta have heart.
___________________________________________________________________________
yup! you've gotta have heart dear mummy... miles 'n' miles 'n' miles of heart... pure heart... white heart... lightened heart... only then... and only then... you'll survive... :|
All you really need is heart
When the odds are sayin'
you'll never win,
That's when the grin
should start.
You've gotta have hope,
Mustn't sit around and mope,
Nothin's half as bad as it may appear,
Wait'll next year and hope.
When your luck is battin' zero,
Get your chin up off the floor;
Mister, you can be a hero,
You can open any door,
there's nothin' to it,
but to do it,
You've gotta have heart,
Miles 'n' miles 'n' miles of heart,
Oh, it's fine to be a genius, of course,
but keep that old horse
before the cart,
First you've gotta have heart.
First you've gotta have heart.
___________________________________________________________________________
yup! you've gotta have heart dear mummy... miles 'n' miles 'n' miles of heart... pure heart... white heart... lightened heart... only then... and only then... you'll survive... :|
Tuesday, January 21, 2003
alhamdulillah… aku kini berada di rumah… semalam selepas menonton betty di tj aku telah pulang ke teratak ini dengan pantas… seronoknya dapat berguling di atas katilku sendiri… seronoknya dapat duduk mengadap komputerku semula… dan yang paling menyeronokkan adalah apabila ku kucup tangan mak dan ayah… terkesima aku sebentar melihat wajah mereka yang kelihatan lebih tua sedikit dari kelmarin… aku faham… amat faham derita yang sedang ditanggung oleh emak dan ayah… aku hanya mampu berdoa buat mereka… sesungguhnya emak dan ayah adalah dua insan yang mempunyai kesabaran yang amat tinggi… aku kagum… sungguh kagum dengan kasih emak dan ayah… adakah aku mampu untuk membalasnya habis-habisan?
pengembaraan aku di kl berakhir semalam… hujung minggu di kl adalah sungguh bermakna… pada hari jumaat lepas setelah aku menampal offline entry di wajahmu ini aku dan miot telah membuat kunjungan ke rumah guru kami… alhamdulillah… segalanya berjalan dengan lancar dan kami kemudiannya telah berjumpa dengan ayla di taman samudera untuk mengucapkan selamat… semoga engkau memperolehi haji mabrur sahabatku… pada malamnya kami menumpang tidur di shah alam… alahai… comelnya adri junior… hehehe… ais!
sabtu tengahari aku melepak di tj… kekeke… sungguh comel siti dan hahim membuka hadiah-hadiah mereka… aku tidur di tj malam itu… pengalaman gelabah apabila kunci maniobi tertinggal di dalamnya... terima kasih labee the crime scene investigator... hehehe... ahad… aku dan zura dan hahim makan tengahari di ts… pada pukul 3.30 petang… kami beramai-ramai menyerbu ayla di taman samudera… (jalan ke batu caves terbukti sesak!) menziarah buat kali terakhir sebelum mereka bertolak ke kelana jaya pada malam itu… pakcik, makcik, ayla dan nurul… mereka berempat akan mengerjakan haji dan pulang semula ke tanahair pada bulan mac… aku gembira dan bersyukur… ayla amat beruntung kerana dipanggil ke mekah pada usia yang sungguh muda ketika badan masih kuat dan sihat… aku? insya-Allah… ada rezeki akan pergi jua pada satu hari nanti…
malam ahad itu aku tidur di rumah es… sebenarnya aku masih lepak di kl kerana aku ingat aku akan pergi ke seminar sehari di ukm pada hari ahad tersebut tetapi banyak pula perkara lain yang berlaku dan aku telah membatalkan pemergian aku ke ukm… rugi tapi tidak rugi… hehehe… maafkan aku apeng kerana tidak dapat ke muo... dan tahniah sekali lagi... pagi-pagi sepeie isnin aku telah pergi ke gombak semula… ada misi yang harus diselesaikan sebelum pulang ke jasin… aku dipertanggungjawabkan oleh ayah untuk menemani adikku ke hkl… kes adikku telah dipanjangkan ke hkl kerana di ampang puteri tiada colorectal specialist… kemudian setelah selesai membuat tarikh pertemuan selanjutnya kami pun bersarapan di mcd setapak… terasa rugi sedikit kerana kami tidak teringat untuk menyediakan surat jaminan doktor uia... tidak mengapa... adikku masih boleh bertahan... insya-Allah... aku ke gombak semula… tertidur sebentar di bilik yang nyaman itu… dan ke bangi selepas zohor… singgah di rumah ateh dan makan tengahari di rumah zura… dan zrassss…. kembali ke jasin selepas betty… yehaaa... yaribba... yaribba...
bagaimana? meriahkan agenda hujung mingguku? kekeke...
sekarang… duduk diam-diam… siapkan kerja kau… miot dah habis… zura pun dah habis tadi… tahniah zura! :-) oleh yang demikian, kau pun mesti habiskannya juga walaupun ianya amat pahit untuk kau telan… kena telan juga… iurrggghhhh… baiklah… aku cuba ni… iskh aku tengah cubalah ni… blasah tulang blakang karang... iskh... iskh... may the force be with me! amin...
pengembaraan aku di kl berakhir semalam… hujung minggu di kl adalah sungguh bermakna… pada hari jumaat lepas setelah aku menampal offline entry di wajahmu ini aku dan miot telah membuat kunjungan ke rumah guru kami… alhamdulillah… segalanya berjalan dengan lancar dan kami kemudiannya telah berjumpa dengan ayla di taman samudera untuk mengucapkan selamat… semoga engkau memperolehi haji mabrur sahabatku… pada malamnya kami menumpang tidur di shah alam… alahai… comelnya adri junior… hehehe… ais!
sabtu tengahari aku melepak di tj… kekeke… sungguh comel siti dan hahim membuka hadiah-hadiah mereka… aku tidur di tj malam itu… pengalaman gelabah apabila kunci maniobi tertinggal di dalamnya... terima kasih labee the crime scene investigator... hehehe... ahad… aku dan zura dan hahim makan tengahari di ts… pada pukul 3.30 petang… kami beramai-ramai menyerbu ayla di taman samudera… (jalan ke batu caves terbukti sesak!) menziarah buat kali terakhir sebelum mereka bertolak ke kelana jaya pada malam itu… pakcik, makcik, ayla dan nurul… mereka berempat akan mengerjakan haji dan pulang semula ke tanahair pada bulan mac… aku gembira dan bersyukur… ayla amat beruntung kerana dipanggil ke mekah pada usia yang sungguh muda ketika badan masih kuat dan sihat… aku? insya-Allah… ada rezeki akan pergi jua pada satu hari nanti…
malam ahad itu aku tidur di rumah es… sebenarnya aku masih lepak di kl kerana aku ingat aku akan pergi ke seminar sehari di ukm pada hari ahad tersebut tetapi banyak pula perkara lain yang berlaku dan aku telah membatalkan pemergian aku ke ukm… rugi tapi tidak rugi… hehehe… maafkan aku apeng kerana tidak dapat ke muo... dan tahniah sekali lagi... pagi-pagi sepeie isnin aku telah pergi ke gombak semula… ada misi yang harus diselesaikan sebelum pulang ke jasin… aku dipertanggungjawabkan oleh ayah untuk menemani adikku ke hkl… kes adikku telah dipanjangkan ke hkl kerana di ampang puteri tiada colorectal specialist… kemudian setelah selesai membuat tarikh pertemuan selanjutnya kami pun bersarapan di mcd setapak… terasa rugi sedikit kerana kami tidak teringat untuk menyediakan surat jaminan doktor uia... tidak mengapa... adikku masih boleh bertahan... insya-Allah... aku ke gombak semula… tertidur sebentar di bilik yang nyaman itu… dan ke bangi selepas zohor… singgah di rumah ateh dan makan tengahari di rumah zura… dan zrassss…. kembali ke jasin selepas betty… yehaaa... yaribba... yaribba...
bagaimana? meriahkan agenda hujung mingguku? kekeke...
sekarang… duduk diam-diam… siapkan kerja kau… miot dah habis… zura pun dah habis tadi… tahniah zura! :-) oleh yang demikian, kau pun mesti habiskannya juga walaupun ianya amat pahit untuk kau telan… kena telan juga… iurrggghhhh… baiklah… aku cuba ni… iskh aku tengah cubalah ni… blasah tulang blakang karang... iskh... iskh... may the force be with me! amin...
Monday, January 20, 2003
Friday, January 17, 2003
alas! berada di depan komputer jua akhirnya... memanglah cc ni tak sama dengan komputer aku tapi at least aku boleh melepaskan gian... huahahaha... masih di kl dan baru sahaja pulang dari hospital menemani adik aku... nampak gayanya aku masih belum boleh pulang ke rumah lagi... uhuk... uhuk... aku pasrah... macam-macam berlaku semenjak aku di sini... biarlah aku tampalkan sahaja offline entry aku...
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The Lamentation of the Shadow…
an offline entry for the long and boring Tuesday 8.17 p.m. 14th. January 2003…
alluz dear me blog,
it has been almost two days i’ve been here claiming myself the title of “katak simpan”… iurrgghhh… this sucks… i suppose to go out there and be alive with the muse of nature… but i guess to leave the comfortable and secure vacinity of this coconut shelter might mean that the shelter isn’t easily accessible to me in an easy way anymore… well… well… well… everything is not in its order at the moment… my stupendous life, my delayed tasks at hand and even of some of my friend’s too… in silence they are writhing in pain though it is not outwardly spoken yet the overwhelming sense of pressure seems to be able to penetrate my yet to be wrinkled skin… they don’t call the spiritual bond for nothing, aren’t they?
ermmm… what mumbo jumbo i’m leasing out tonite… as a faith squatter i believe that i don’t have the right to complaint… my sis went out again for another delightful sosial gathering… yucks… i am here at her dormitory trying to figure out what i should do and what i shouldn’t do… tomorrow may be the big day… yup! i frankly admit it… i am very doubly terribly afraid… ashame… embarrass… shy… not a single tinge of confidence in me… yet… i want to do it… at least i think i want to do it… the might feels so heavy as if to drag two mountains on my respective shoulders… my face might become numb and swollen… my senses might go hanky panky… my steps might become unsteady… i might fall or i might stand… i really don’t know what to suspect… oppsss… i mean… expect… a very cynical me i guess…
should i leap? should i not leap? should i go? should i not go? should i face my worst fear? should i not? should i drag myself? should i not? i just don’t know… i just don’t know… i just don’t know… why do things have to become this complex? why must time be so deceitful and trick me into the web of adulthood? my sis said that amongst my circle of friends, i am the only one who is not matured… yeah… somehow… she is right… i have too much going on in my head… i’m not ready to commit… i’m not ready to involve in the complexity of the so called office politics… i’m not ready to leave my past… and i don’t even have an absolute plan for the future… what i’m doing now is living my hasty present the best as i could… how i really envy those who have found their ground… hmmm… i’m still that gloomy shadow trying to find its solid matched entity… what a painful journey it has to endure… roaming the earth without an absolute form… sometimes falters along the road and sometimes gets wet when the rain pours down… the shadow… seeking to find its graceful master… it has neither the senses nor the soul… praying hard to grasp them both… praying hard to find its solidness… praying hard to breathe in serenity…
i say a little prayer for me
i say a little prayer for me
…
forever and ever you’ll stay in my heart and i will love you
forever and ever we never will part oh, how i love you
together forever that’s how it must be to live without you would only mean heartbreak for me…
that’s life… we will never be sure when will become sure of it… sure and too sure are just like those crystals… ready to break if we misjuggle them…
we always demand perfectness… but are we that perfect when we demand for the ultimate perfectness? are we that handsome that we want to go out only with beautiful ladies? are we that rich that we can buy happiness and the finesse of all things around us? are we that brilliant that we can win nobel prize every year? are we that perfect? what is perfect in its basic essence?
we thought that we have received the best but ain’t best is a compound term? we thought that we are losers but ain’t losers are subjected to the fragments of human’s limited capacity? we thought that we have an absolute happiness but ain’t happiness is the enemy of a jealous time? we thought that we have it all but ain’t there quicksand to take it all away from us? sucking us deeper within a friction of time… waiting for our panic reactions to quicken the pull… to leave us with fear and morbid agility… spirits are dampened… the self is without worth… a definite end for those who are afraid… a definite end for those who are panicking… a definite end for those who only think of death…
capish!
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
The Spirit Soars?
an offline entry… again… for Wednesday 11.45 p.m. 15th. January 2003…
i feel like screaming my lungs out… to travel without any access to the internet is totally secondary to eat dishes without any rice… i guess i’m a reaaal burden over here… a burden to my friends having to let me washing clothes at their houses… a burden to my sis having to share this small square with me… today is the strongest when i sensed it and that was when she said that she felt like her room was more like mine… yeah… with all the tidy up things etc…. yeah i know… i am a pain in the ass… even… i’m burdening myself when staying here in the central… i just can’t think properly… whining… whining… whining… when i was in the north, i longingly dreamt of being in the south and when i’m here… i crave for privacy and silence in the confinement of my rooms either the one melaka or the one one in penang… hey… i’m just a human okay!
anyway, this afternoon… alas! i’ve confronted my biggest fear calmly… alhamdulillah… it was not that bad though the guilt is still hanging loosely within me… thank you sire for accepting me and guiding me to the light with all the patience in the world … it is not easy… my path is not as smooth as those highway roads… mine has all the bumps, red soils, mud, dirt and holes… if the others could drive their perdana or wira or sonata… i have to drive pajero or any other four wheels drive… i need extra skills, extra guidance, extra bumps on the head and extra reminders in order to get to it… it is simply not easy for me… i am vulnerable to bruises, cuts, aches and even death if my vehicle is not handled tactfully… well… it is not easy to be me…
hmmm… tonite, my mind cannot stop churning and pondering why on earth i wanted to continue my study in the first place? is it for the sake of anak bangsa? is it for my own self satisfaction? is it for the sake of having higher income and bulging wallet in the future? is it because of the scholarship offer? or… is it because of that self less act again? as far as i am aware… the course that i’m taking is not challenging at all… it is not something new… i’ve learnt it all during my undergrad… and even the learning environment is not in sync with my taste… so, what the tut on earth i’m doing there? okay… okay… breath in… breath out… cool down babeh…you can’t think well if you are under the devil’s snare… there must be wisdom behind it all… there must be an interesting story that is yet to be narrated… there must good reasons behind them all… cool down… just follow the flow… close your eyes… feel that refreshing cool water of that beautiful stream brushing through your hands, your hair, your eye lids… massaging your whole body endlessly… you are floating without fear… all the stress are leaving your body… washed away by the soft current of the stream… you are still floating… floating into the realm of peace and tranquility… floating into the valley of dreams…
good nite my fierce world! fare thee well!
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Kekantoian Melata…
again and again and again an offline entry… 10.27 p.m. 16th. January 2003…
well… well… well… malam ini aku dan adik aku kantoi lagi… tapi kali ini aku kantoi secara terang-terangan… yeaaaaaah… thanks to myself… i was too straight to lie and it ended out as a frank slurred of the plain truth… this sucks! i must get home soon else i’ll become an endless trouble to my sis… enough of the birocracy or the birocrazy as i like to put it… furthermore, i’m too tired to become a musafir… enough of the shadow that has become my loyal substitute in carrying out the act of roaming and searching for a solid entity… now… even worse… my physical being has to endure the same act… it is tiring indeed and really weally uncomfortable… torturous… the bodily strength needs to be recharged… the mental strength needs to be struck by a massive lightning… the damage has already being done… to mend it is just like gluing pieces of a burnt tissue paper… i’m in a mess… my sis too…
sulking and tossing restlessly on the bed were my “precious” activities during the day… i hate it… i hate it very much… i’ve better things to do but… oh how i really hate it…
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
entah bila lagi la aku dapat online lagi ni... till later... bubye my dear shadow!
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
The Lamentation of the Shadow…
an offline entry for the long and boring Tuesday 8.17 p.m. 14th. January 2003…
alluz dear me blog,
it has been almost two days i’ve been here claiming myself the title of “katak simpan”… iurrgghhh… this sucks… i suppose to go out there and be alive with the muse of nature… but i guess to leave the comfortable and secure vacinity of this coconut shelter might mean that the shelter isn’t easily accessible to me in an easy way anymore… well… well… well… everything is not in its order at the moment… my stupendous life, my delayed tasks at hand and even of some of my friend’s too… in silence they are writhing in pain though it is not outwardly spoken yet the overwhelming sense of pressure seems to be able to penetrate my yet to be wrinkled skin… they don’t call the spiritual bond for nothing, aren’t they?
ermmm… what mumbo jumbo i’m leasing out tonite… as a faith squatter i believe that i don’t have the right to complaint… my sis went out again for another delightful sosial gathering… yucks… i am here at her dormitory trying to figure out what i should do and what i shouldn’t do… tomorrow may be the big day… yup! i frankly admit it… i am very doubly terribly afraid… ashame… embarrass… shy… not a single tinge of confidence in me… yet… i want to do it… at least i think i want to do it… the might feels so heavy as if to drag two mountains on my respective shoulders… my face might become numb and swollen… my senses might go hanky panky… my steps might become unsteady… i might fall or i might stand… i really don’t know what to suspect… oppsss… i mean… expect… a very cynical me i guess…
should i leap? should i not leap? should i go? should i not go? should i face my worst fear? should i not? should i drag myself? should i not? i just don’t know… i just don’t know… i just don’t know… why do things have to become this complex? why must time be so deceitful and trick me into the web of adulthood? my sis said that amongst my circle of friends, i am the only one who is not matured… yeah… somehow… she is right… i have too much going on in my head… i’m not ready to commit… i’m not ready to involve in the complexity of the so called office politics… i’m not ready to leave my past… and i don’t even have an absolute plan for the future… what i’m doing now is living my hasty present the best as i could… how i really envy those who have found their ground… hmmm… i’m still that gloomy shadow trying to find its solid matched entity… what a painful journey it has to endure… roaming the earth without an absolute form… sometimes falters along the road and sometimes gets wet when the rain pours down… the shadow… seeking to find its graceful master… it has neither the senses nor the soul… praying hard to grasp them both… praying hard to find its solidness… praying hard to breathe in serenity…
i say a little prayer for me
i say a little prayer for me
…
forever and ever you’ll stay in my heart and i will love you
forever and ever we never will part oh, how i love you
together forever that’s how it must be to live without you would only mean heartbreak for me…
that’s life… we will never be sure when will become sure of it… sure and too sure are just like those crystals… ready to break if we misjuggle them…
we always demand perfectness… but are we that perfect when we demand for the ultimate perfectness? are we that handsome that we want to go out only with beautiful ladies? are we that rich that we can buy happiness and the finesse of all things around us? are we that brilliant that we can win nobel prize every year? are we that perfect? what is perfect in its basic essence?
we thought that we have received the best but ain’t best is a compound term? we thought that we are losers but ain’t losers are subjected to the fragments of human’s limited capacity? we thought that we have an absolute happiness but ain’t happiness is the enemy of a jealous time? we thought that we have it all but ain’t there quicksand to take it all away from us? sucking us deeper within a friction of time… waiting for our panic reactions to quicken the pull… to leave us with fear and morbid agility… spirits are dampened… the self is without worth… a definite end for those who are afraid… a definite end for those who are panicking… a definite end for those who only think of death…
capish!
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
The Spirit Soars?
an offline entry… again… for Wednesday 11.45 p.m. 15th. January 2003…
i feel like screaming my lungs out… to travel without any access to the internet is totally secondary to eat dishes without any rice… i guess i’m a reaaal burden over here… a burden to my friends having to let me washing clothes at their houses… a burden to my sis having to share this small square with me… today is the strongest when i sensed it and that was when she said that she felt like her room was more like mine… yeah… with all the tidy up things etc…. yeah i know… i am a pain in the ass… even… i’m burdening myself when staying here in the central… i just can’t think properly… whining… whining… whining… when i was in the north, i longingly dreamt of being in the south and when i’m here… i crave for privacy and silence in the confinement of my rooms either the one melaka or the one one in penang… hey… i’m just a human okay!
anyway, this afternoon… alas! i’ve confronted my biggest fear calmly… alhamdulillah… it was not that bad though the guilt is still hanging loosely within me… thank you sire for accepting me and guiding me to the light with all the patience in the world … it is not easy… my path is not as smooth as those highway roads… mine has all the bumps, red soils, mud, dirt and holes… if the others could drive their perdana or wira or sonata… i have to drive pajero or any other four wheels drive… i need extra skills, extra guidance, extra bumps on the head and extra reminders in order to get to it… it is simply not easy for me… i am vulnerable to bruises, cuts, aches and even death if my vehicle is not handled tactfully… well… it is not easy to be me…
hmmm… tonite, my mind cannot stop churning and pondering why on earth i wanted to continue my study in the first place? is it for the sake of anak bangsa? is it for my own self satisfaction? is it for the sake of having higher income and bulging wallet in the future? is it because of the scholarship offer? or… is it because of that self less act again? as far as i am aware… the course that i’m taking is not challenging at all… it is not something new… i’ve learnt it all during my undergrad… and even the learning environment is not in sync with my taste… so, what the tut on earth i’m doing there? okay… okay… breath in… breath out… cool down babeh…you can’t think well if you are under the devil’s snare… there must be wisdom behind it all… there must be an interesting story that is yet to be narrated… there must good reasons behind them all… cool down… just follow the flow… close your eyes… feel that refreshing cool water of that beautiful stream brushing through your hands, your hair, your eye lids… massaging your whole body endlessly… you are floating without fear… all the stress are leaving your body… washed away by the soft current of the stream… you are still floating… floating into the realm of peace and tranquility… floating into the valley of dreams…
good nite my fierce world! fare thee well!
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Kekantoian Melata…
again and again and again an offline entry… 10.27 p.m. 16th. January 2003…
well… well… well… malam ini aku dan adik aku kantoi lagi… tapi kali ini aku kantoi secara terang-terangan… yeaaaaaah… thanks to myself… i was too straight to lie and it ended out as a frank slurred of the plain truth… this sucks! i must get home soon else i’ll become an endless trouble to my sis… enough of the birocracy or the birocrazy as i like to put it… furthermore, i’m too tired to become a musafir… enough of the shadow that has become my loyal substitute in carrying out the act of roaming and searching for a solid entity… now… even worse… my physical being has to endure the same act… it is tiring indeed and really weally uncomfortable… torturous… the bodily strength needs to be recharged… the mental strength needs to be struck by a massive lightning… the damage has already being done… to mend it is just like gluing pieces of a burnt tissue paper… i’m in a mess… my sis too…
sulking and tossing restlessly on the bed were my “precious” activities during the day… i hate it… i hate it very much… i’ve better things to do but… oh how i really hate it…
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
entah bila lagi la aku dapat online lagi ni... till later... bubye my dear shadow!
Sunday, January 12, 2003
sore... still sore... she thought after the lengthy sleeping hours the sore would go away but it doesn't... yup! she is an absolute loser... a human being who was born with loads of flaws and stupidity... because of that flaws... she doesn't think she can be a good leader anymore... because of that stupidity... she can't lead the others and she can't lead her life towards the betterment... because of that flaws... she nearly killed some souls... because of that stupidity... she was intimidated... she won't blame people around her for that flaws and stupidity... it is distasteful to point fingers... it is demoralised to invoke people's anger... so, everything is because of hers, herself and she... the moron who is spending her entire living life to find some roots and barks... to plant herself firmly onto the ground... unshaken by the growling wind... bad and bad and bad she is... unable to measure between her own self interest and the others'... unable to make her own decision... unable to be more sensitive towards her own needs... selfish vs. selfless... yeah! enough of selfless she said but obviously that is her nature... how to become a selfish bitch she asked... she is still wondering and pondering... endlessly... one ultimate conclusion that she is able to draw is... she is a definite complete mighty loser and a total idiot...
a week in kuala lumpur was indeed tiring... to being in other people's houses or hostel is not the same as to being in my own house, my own bed and even my own rental house in penang... sleep has become a never ending enemy... even the battle within has become stronger... shall I sigh? perhaps i shall because tomorrow i'll have to go up again... :|
a week in kuala lumpur was indeed tiring... to being in other people's houses or hostel is not the same as to being in my own house, my own bed and even my own rental house in penang... sleep has become a never ending enemy... even the battle within has become stronger... shall I sigh? perhaps i shall because tomorrow i'll have to go up again... :|
Friday, January 10, 2003
hari jumaat yang mulia... umat islam berpuasa... ehh... silap... silap... tuh hari raya daa tapi raya dah abis tunggu raya aji pulak... alhamdulillah... semalam adik aku telah diagnosis dengan selamat... sampai aku terbedengkur masa tertidur menunggu dia di sofa ruang menunggu... hehehe... kantoi... kantoi... namun doktor belum pasti apakah penyakit sebenarnya... doktor syak either ketumbuhan atau kanser... nau'zubillah... hari jumaat depan baru dapat resultnya... harap-harapnya tidaklah yang the latter one tuh... amin... jadinya selepas urusan sepital kami pun ke midvalley as usual untuk acara makan makan seantario dunia... hehehe... pawer... pawer... pawer... apa yang pawer aku pun tak pasti... hehehe...
huish... perut dah mula buat hal... hati berdebar-debar... kepala mula pusing... kenapa? kerana baru sebentar tadi dak supervisor aku telah memberikan email menanyakan khabar... okeh! nampak gayanya aku kena balik bagan dalam masa terdekat ini... bila? kena tanya agong dulu... agong kata okay... okay la aku... as for the work... vokeh! insya-Allah... aku kena banyakkan optimism... baiklah mummy...
oppsss... aku kena logout dulu... hes sudah mahu pergi kerja dan aku ada appointment ngan afdlin shauki... :-) malam ni rangga dan cinta ada di midvalley pada pukul lapan malam... amacam? nak pergi? tepuk kepala tanya thesis... mummy mesti mara... mummy mesti boleh... mummy pasti akan siapkan... romeo must die... smegol must kill... legolas must... must apa ya? must maintain cool... yehaaaa! hai... bila la aku nak tengok lotr ngan bebudak ni... iskh... isk... isk...
adios!
huish... perut dah mula buat hal... hati berdebar-debar... kepala mula pusing... kenapa? kerana baru sebentar tadi dak supervisor aku telah memberikan email menanyakan khabar... okeh! nampak gayanya aku kena balik bagan dalam masa terdekat ini... bila? kena tanya agong dulu... agong kata okay... okay la aku... as for the work... vokeh! insya-Allah... aku kena banyakkan optimism... baiklah mummy...
oppsss... aku kena logout dulu... hes sudah mahu pergi kerja dan aku ada appointment ngan afdlin shauki... :-) malam ni rangga dan cinta ada di midvalley pada pukul lapan malam... amacam? nak pergi? tepuk kepala tanya thesis... mummy mesti mara... mummy mesti boleh... mummy pasti akan siapkan... romeo must die... smegol must kill... legolas must... must apa ya? must maintain cool... yehaaaa! hai... bila la aku nak tengok lotr ngan bebudak ni... iskh... isk... isk...
adios!
Wednesday, January 08, 2003
semalam sepanjang hari aku lepak di rumah hes mendobi baju... adik aku tidak sihat dan berikutan itu aku terpaksa memanjangkan lawatan sosial aku di kuala lumpur ini... malam semalam aku tidur di rumah members di sungai pusu... perghh... sungai pusu is the best! liat betul nak bangun pagi... kawasan rumah yang sejuk diliputi kabus tebal dan kawasan kampung yang damai membuatkan segala-galanya damai... tadi aku telah meninggalkan rumah itu dengan satu azam yang aku pasti kembali... hehehe... seronok menumpang lepak di rumah orang bujang ni... hampir tengahari baru aku dapat kekuatan untuk mengemaskan diri dan pergi ke rumah hes semula... bosan mahu menonton rosalinda dan betty sensorang nih... hehehe... terima kasih tak terhingga sue, q, mid, maria dan echah... semoga rezeki kalian akan diperlimpahkan olehNya...
malam ini aku tidur di rumah hes... sengaja tidak mahu squat di uia... memberi peluang pada adikku berehat sepenuhnya sebelum menjalani diagnosis di ampang puteri esok pagi... sepanjang aku di sini pelbagai berita telah ku terima... sedih... melancholic happiness... aku harap anak kepada sahabatku akan pulih dari demam kuatnya secepat mungkin... risau juga aku kerana sekarang ini musim demam denggi di kawasan selangor ini... get well soon si comel... kepada sahabatku yang akan melangsungkan walimatulu'rus pada 19 januari ini... tahniah! masih belum ada ucapan lain yang mahu terlahir dari bibir ini... masih terkesima walaupun sudah diketahui hakikatnya...
perghhh... kenapa aku terasa laras bahasa aku malam ini puitis semacam? hehehe... baiklah... aku mahu tidur awal malam ini... esok kena berada di hospital seawal 9 pagi... :-p
may the walking shadow stops walking for awhile...
malam ini aku tidur di rumah hes... sengaja tidak mahu squat di uia... memberi peluang pada adikku berehat sepenuhnya sebelum menjalani diagnosis di ampang puteri esok pagi... sepanjang aku di sini pelbagai berita telah ku terima... sedih... melancholic happiness... aku harap anak kepada sahabatku akan pulih dari demam kuatnya secepat mungkin... risau juga aku kerana sekarang ini musim demam denggi di kawasan selangor ini... get well soon si comel... kepada sahabatku yang akan melangsungkan walimatulu'rus pada 19 januari ini... tahniah! masih belum ada ucapan lain yang mahu terlahir dari bibir ini... masih terkesima walaupun sudah diketahui hakikatnya...
perghhh... kenapa aku terasa laras bahasa aku malam ini puitis semacam? hehehe... baiklah... aku mahu tidur awal malam ini... esok kena berada di hospital seawal 9 pagi... :-p
may the walking shadow stops walking for awhile...
Tuesday, January 07, 2003
offline at 3.53 in the morning... Monday 06/01/03
sleep perchance dreams? it is more like sleep perchance sweats... :|
it is really annoying when a supposed to be restful slumber turns into a panic stricken insomnia... i just can't sleep though the whole day was spent in a hectic social errand... sleep is not a luxury for me... i closed my eyes and ugly images appeared... i saw the dreaded future... the supervisor's face... the yet to be finished thesis... the faces of family members frowning... the faces of sahabat turning back and walking away... the face of a loser... the noble face of my guru... the bleak premonition of the future... the constant banging in my head... the pain in the neck resulted from bowing infront of those books 24/7 non-stop... the empty pockets... the bank and the debts... the foolish brother's mambo jambo at home... lonely life in the island... suffocating life at home... restless life in the central... mr. arman's face... those people in uniten... myself 20 years from tonight... wow! everything is like a slideshow... flashing the soul less images in random one by one... sometimes two at one time... alternating between rapid and slow flash movements... making this mind goes haywired and just like the domino effect it continues its progression to the eyes... these humanly shutters are wide opened without any might to close themselves... bam! bam! bam! goes the slideshow... making humongous bang as it changes from one slide to another... argghhhh!!! what a nauseating night!
sleep perchance dreams? it is more like sleep perchance sweats... :|
it is really annoying when a supposed to be restful slumber turns into a panic stricken insomnia... i just can't sleep though the whole day was spent in a hectic social errand... sleep is not a luxury for me... i closed my eyes and ugly images appeared... i saw the dreaded future... the supervisor's face... the yet to be finished thesis... the faces of family members frowning... the faces of sahabat turning back and walking away... the face of a loser... the noble face of my guru... the bleak premonition of the future... the constant banging in my head... the pain in the neck resulted from bowing infront of those books 24/7 non-stop... the empty pockets... the bank and the debts... the foolish brother's mambo jambo at home... lonely life in the island... suffocating life at home... restless life in the central... mr. arman's face... those people in uniten... myself 20 years from tonight... wow! everything is like a slideshow... flashing the soul less images in random one by one... sometimes two at one time... alternating between rapid and slow flash movements... making this mind goes haywired and just like the domino effect it continues its progression to the eyes... these humanly shutters are wide opened without any might to close themselves... bam! bam! bam! goes the slideshow... making humongous bang as it changes from one slide to another... argghhhh!!! what a nauseating night!
Saturday, January 04, 2003
when a man commits a mistake…
the FIRST time he does it… it is an error
the SECOND time he does it… it is careless
and… the THIRD time he does it… it is stupid
an interesting remark from my sister’s friend that reminds me of my favourite song from a movie called much ado about nothing, one of mr. shakespeare’s comedies on screen featuring kenneth branagh, keanu reeves, emma thompson and many more… the song that has its very own personal memory… it has an awe-inspiring value in my life as a shadow walking lady… and interestingly… it has become the discreet theme of my very own blog… here it goes…
Sigh no more, ladies, sigh no more,
Men were deceivers ever,
One foot in sea and one on shore,
To one thing constant never:
Then sigh not so, but let them go,
And be you blithe and bonny,
Converting all your sounds of woe
Into Hey nonny, nonny.
Sing no more ditties, sing no more,
Of dumps so dull and heavy;
The fraud of men was ever so,
Since summer first was leavy:
Then sigh not so, but let them go,
And be you blithe and bonny,
Converting all your sounds of woe
Into Hey nonny, nonny.
i still remember our giddy time looking for the movie’s video tape… it was when we were still studying in the matriculation centre… at that time… cds were still luxurious items… there was no piracy like what we have in this millennium… hehe… do you still remember the time my dear sahabat-sahabat? it was not easy to get sober over much ado about nothing, wasn’t it? now it is millennium three and i really hope that i can get the film again... and this time it should be in the form of cds… :-)
now… now… what have i done the whole day? i didn’t sleep the whole last night and only managed to sleep after subuh around seven a.m…. bad huh? anyway, i woke up around eleven and did some readings on statistics in the afternoon… and alas! buku baca for an hour… hehe… awakened tothe call of nature the phone call of a sahabat… rejuvenating news… bad news… everything under the sun… hehehe… well… how i wish i could be in kl now… pray that i’ll be such a lunatic brat tomorrow… oppsss… what is that? i can hear something is whispering in mine ears… ohh i see… LOTR and Soalnya Siapa are calling me… wait… wait… hehehe…
overall… i like today… though early in the morning i had to listen to nonsensical stuffs from my brother… but that doesn’t bother me much… he is always like that... immune... immune... the weather is a bit gloomy yet windy and cozy… i feel like snuggling on my bed again… muahaha…
ANNOUNCEMENT! my present favourite malaysian actors are… jeng… jeng… jeng… afdlin shauki and ako mustafa! yehaaa! so tonight, i’m going to get comfortable infront of the tube exactly at 10 p.m. and watch the cerekarama… errrmmm… perhaps this is the real reason of the day on why i did not want to inject the “crazy” serum into my butt and kick it to the central region… hahaha…
i’m a bit loosen out? well… i’m turning over to a new leaf and i have decided to not give IT a tut damn… opppsss… please excuse my words because i happened to watch 8 mile last night… eminem is awesomely cool… :p
a p/s to myself: alhamdulillah...
the FIRST time he does it… it is an error
the SECOND time he does it… it is careless
and… the THIRD time he does it… it is stupid
an interesting remark from my sister’s friend that reminds me of my favourite song from a movie called much ado about nothing, one of mr. shakespeare’s comedies on screen featuring kenneth branagh, keanu reeves, emma thompson and many more… the song that has its very own personal memory… it has an awe-inspiring value in my life as a shadow walking lady… and interestingly… it has become the discreet theme of my very own blog… here it goes…
Sigh no more, ladies, sigh no more,
Men were deceivers ever,
One foot in sea and one on shore,
To one thing constant never:
Then sigh not so, but let them go,
And be you blithe and bonny,
Converting all your sounds of woe
Into Hey nonny, nonny.
Sing no more ditties, sing no more,
Of dumps so dull and heavy;
The fraud of men was ever so,
Since summer first was leavy:
Then sigh not so, but let them go,
And be you blithe and bonny,
Converting all your sounds of woe
Into Hey nonny, nonny.
i still remember our giddy time looking for the movie’s video tape… it was when we were still studying in the matriculation centre… at that time… cds were still luxurious items… there was no piracy like what we have in this millennium… hehe… do you still remember the time my dear sahabat-sahabat? it was not easy to get sober over much ado about nothing, wasn’t it? now it is millennium three and i really hope that i can get the film again... and this time it should be in the form of cds… :-)
now… now… what have i done the whole day? i didn’t sleep the whole last night and only managed to sleep after subuh around seven a.m…. bad huh? anyway, i woke up around eleven and did some readings on statistics in the afternoon… and alas! buku baca for an hour… hehe… awakened to
overall… i like today… though early in the morning i had to listen to nonsensical stuffs from my brother… but that doesn’t bother me much… he is always like that... immune... immune... the weather is a bit gloomy yet windy and cozy… i feel like snuggling on my bed again… muahaha…
ANNOUNCEMENT! my present favourite malaysian actors are… jeng… jeng… jeng… afdlin shauki and ako mustafa! yehaaa! so tonight, i’m going to get comfortable infront of the tube exactly at 10 p.m. and watch the cerekarama… errrmmm… perhaps this is the real reason of the day on why i did not want to inject the “crazy” serum into my butt and kick it to the central region… hahaha…
i’m a bit loosen out? well… i’m turning over to a new leaf and i have decided to not give IT a tut damn… opppsss… please excuse my words because i happened to watch 8 mile last night… eminem is awesomely cool… :p
a p/s to myself: alhamdulillah...
Friday, January 03, 2003
kadang-kadang terasa sukar untuk bernafas walaupun kaki sememangnya sedang berpijak di bumi nyata... bumi yang nyata akan kelihatan kabur dek asap dan debu yang datangnya dari pembakaran terbuka di sekitar halaman... hiruk pikuk kehidupan tidak kedengaran pada telinga yang diasak alunan kuat irama spanish... segalanya-galanya kebas... kebas untuk satu jangka masa yang belum boleh ditentukan... kaki ini ingin melangkah jauh... lari ke daerah damai... namun apakan daya... kederatnya tiada... tinggallah dia sepi dan sendiri di celah cebisan kehidupan yang amat membingitkan...
Thursday, January 02, 2003
langge dogo langge keramat
bisik bisik dale kelambu
nampak bodoh tapi bersenga'
ngela ngelik dio dio mari situ...
best lagu-lagu m. nasir nih... bagi aku semua lagu-lagu m. nasir ada makna yang tersendiri... tersirat bagi mereka yang memahami... sesuai benar dengan seleraku... namun... apakah seleraku untuk 2003... tadi aku telah berjaya menyenaraikan 21 resolusi 2003... akhirnya... berlaku pada pukul lima pagi tadi setelah aku terjaga dan kemudiannya aku amat pasti dengan apa yang perlu aku lakukan pada tahun baru ini... alhamdulillah... semoga aku berjaya dan tidak menipu diriku sendiri...
bisik bisik dale kelambu
nampak bodoh tapi bersenga'
ngela ngelik dio dio mari situ...
best lagu-lagu m. nasir nih... bagi aku semua lagu-lagu m. nasir ada makna yang tersendiri... tersirat bagi mereka yang memahami... sesuai benar dengan seleraku... namun... apakah seleraku untuk 2003... tadi aku telah berjaya menyenaraikan 21 resolusi 2003... akhirnya... berlaku pada pukul lima pagi tadi setelah aku terjaga dan kemudiannya aku amat pasti dengan apa yang perlu aku lakukan pada tahun baru ini... alhamdulillah... semoga aku berjaya dan tidak menipu diriku sendiri...
