we need to be grateful for what Allah has given us... no matter whether it is pain or laughter... whether it is sorrow or happiness... for beneath everything there lies wisdom and perhaps... with enough gratitude and patience the end will be joy and unlimited gains... i've considered my life to be like a shadow without its solid entity... a shadow that is still roaming on earth looking for its perfect solid match...

most of my friends have built their own stable life... some with their own family... some with good career... some with a promising future... it is undeniable that there are some of my friends who are yet to find root in their job and also some who are yet to be satisfied about their life... well... we are humans and the word "satisfaction" is indeed multifaceted in essence... errmmm... let me talk about me... from the skin of it... my life seems to be perfect... i have a family to support me both in spiritual and material providence... i have understanding friends around me... i receive monthly allowances to further my study... i own a car... my own laptop (a gift from my father)... my own comfortable rented house... my own phone lines... and in fact almost everything... almost... from the inward... a heated debate is running amok in my heart, brain and every single veins in my body... alhamdulillah... i am grateful to Allah for what He has bestowed upon me... but... somewhere within... there's an abyss of loneliness and emptiness... the abyss that is undescribable to mortals... the abyss that can evoke thousands of trumped up interpretations for those minds that understand not...

small chuckle... perhaps some are thinking that i'm talking about life's soul mate... perhaps some are thinking about my level of kegersangan... perhaps some are thinking that i'm pondering about who will be the prince charming who will sweep my feet away... small chuckles again... rest assured for the word "man" is not listed in my life's dictionary... not yet... once bitten twice shy... i don't want to be hurt again... well... well... the flow of thoughts tonight actually streaming towards the subject matter of aim in life... yup! this is the one that creates such abyss...

hmmm... my glasses need to be changed... perhaps my vision has become more blurred... let me use the binocular... well... i don't know how to use it so, it remains useless in my hands... still i can't see what lies ahead... let me try the magnifier... better... but i still need to move the magnifier from one section to another section of the paragraphs... the final alternative... whooosshhh... use a pail of water to make my sight clearer... hmmm... ever wonder how this can work? hmmm... experiment dear... experiment... our life is or can be analogious to an experiment... there will be trial... there will be error... and above the trials and errors the most sweetest thing is when we can say EUREKA! when our experiment is proven distinguished and useful for the whole lot of earth's inhibitants... but is that the real aim of life? to gain fame... to gain name... to have the title doctor or associate professor or professor in front of my name... is this my real aim of life?

kching... kching... kching... the sound of shillings in our pockets... echoing the nearing of the end of the month... i sometimes feel a bit flabbergasted seeing how kids are fed with haagen daas... cheese cakes from coffee beans... cookies from famous amos... and mcdonalds is just like their staple meal... they are so well fed... they are so lucky... in terms of materials upbringing they never have any disadvantage... it is totally different from my young days... kfc is something wow... cheese cakes? what are those? aliens? cookies? ermmm... biskut lemak pingpong? it is undeniable that the world we are living in today is far different from our grandparents'... we are living in a technology based world... cellular phones are not to mark our sosial economic status... they have become a necessity... kids at the age of seven carry their own's... life has been materialised... materialised to the extent many people aim for the money... materialised to the extent parents abandon their kids to work extra hours... materialised to the extent humanity has ceased to exist in the hearts of brutish men... if we turn to the other side of the coin... afar... in the villages... amidst the surge of modernity and the race to be rich... there are those who are lost... lost and drowned... they are gulping for air to resurface... gulping for guidance and hope... the actual gap between the rich and the poor in reality is too broad... in our race to collect the chunks of gold along the way, certain people are being forgotten... certain people are being brushed aside... insignificant... their roles in providing rice, fish, vegetables, rubber, oil... have somehow being sneered at... hmmm... contemplating upon these... striving of having an account in the swiss bank... striving to own a jaguar... striving to own hundreds of gold 'credit' cards... striving to be the richest... the one who possesses every virtue of wealth at ease... errmmm... is the search for wealth my real aim of life?

knowledge is power... power without knowledge is just like a vacumn chamber... you own a chamber yet without any oxygen to be inhaled... how about knowledge without power? sometimes knowledge that we gain can deceive us... sometimes knowledge that we gain can help us... sometimes knowledge that we gain can make us prosper... sometimes knowledge that we gain can even kill us... all depend on what kind of knowledge that we are interested in... i believe that every knowledge is pure... but in the hand of its possessor, the pure knowledge is moulded into the desired effects... whether for the betterment or for the damnation... i learn english linguistic and literature... i also learn Islamic Revealed Knowledge... i learn about my race and my forevermore Malay martial arts... i learn some stuffs on computers and technology... the questions are... above all the things that i have learnt (1) which one is my real dominant knowledge? (2) which area of knowledge has a positive impact on my life? (3) which knowledge really assimilates with my way of life, thoughts and behaviour? (4) i am the reflection of which area of knowledge? and finally, (5) from the above areas of knowledge, which one stimulates my sense of being and ultimately guides me to my real aim of life?

errrmmm... after thrashing these out... i figure out that in actual fact... i have already had the definite answer... let not people laugh at me... let not people cast a scrawny glance at me... let not people mock at me... for i am what i am and the world have to accept me as what i am... without any selfish alteration... let my real aim of life remains discreet at the moment... it is mine... my gratitude and utmost thanks to my Creator for giving me the strength to move on... for giving me the tranquility of soul and mind this quiet night... opppsss... wait for awhile... okay... the couch is calling me... let me retire to the comfort of my living room for tomorrow i will embark on another journey... a journey that is filled with hopes and dreams... a journey that i wish will never end short... adios Mummy!