Kadang-kadang kita lupa. Lupa pada matlamat sebenar kehidupan insani. Lupa kepada asal kejadian kita. Lupa kepada sejarah yang telah mencorakkan kehidupan kita. Itu adalah lumrah manusia. Manusia selalu lupa. Manusia perlu sentiasa disentak dan diberi peringatan. Kealpaan selalu membuatkan manusia menjerumuskan diri ke lembah kehinaan. Nau'zubillah...

Petikan daripada...

Syair Perahu
~Hamzah Fansuri~

Inilah gerangan suatu madah
Mengarangkan syair terlalu indah
Membetuli jalan tempat berpindah
Di sanalah i'tikad diperbetuli sudah

Wahai muda kenali dirimu
Ialah perahu tamsil tubuhmu
Tiadalah berapa lama hidupmu
Ke akhirat jua kekal diammu

Hai muda arif budiman
Hasilkan kemudi dengan pedoman
Alat perahumu jua kerjakan
Itulah jalan membetuli insan

Sretttt... Srroott... Achhommm! I am feverish... cold fever... a nasty flu... my body has been so pampered and my walking activity yesterday has ended up in muscles strain and a cold fever... my throat is sore... my tummy keeps rumbling both from hunger and the efficent answer to the call of the nature... uikkkss...

-----------------------------------------------------

ahhh... a treat of ginger broth really refreshes my blocked nostrils... alhamdulillah...

Before retiring to bed... just want to drop a note for my dear sahabat who is celebrating her birthday today... Happy Birthday Zura... Cool Always... :-)

huish... penat gilos... hari ini dalam sejarah... alkisah... aku menapak dari rumah ku di Lebuh Nipah ke kampus... rasa mau tercabut kepala lutut ku ini... itu laa... manja sangat... sekali sekali bersusah payah seakan berpinar seluruh anggota badan... perjalanan pulang adalah amat menyelesakan sekali... dengan muka yang sungguh tebal dan tidak malu... aku meminta Sara menghantar ku pulang... kekeke...

pernah dengar tak lagu ini... favourite aku semasa kecil... mungkin sekarang dipopularkan semula oleh kumpulan Senario...

Bapa ku pulang dari kota
Bapa ku belikan kereta
Kereta kecil warna merah
Akan ku bawa ke sekolah
Pon pon pon pon pon pon pon pon pon
Kereta kecil ku berbunyi
Marilah adik mari naik
Boleh ku bawa jumpa nenek

Rindu laaa... rindu kat maniobi... uwaaaaa... sob... sob...

The Brief Episode with My Supervisor

Him: Eliza... you should have defended your topic well...

Me: Yup! I know sir... it that was my fault... I didn't argue well... I was speechless... unable to answer the questions... I was attacked and I couldn't think well...

Him: You should be confident with yourself... if you know the topic well then you should be able to defend it well too...

Me: Yup! But sir... I have to admit this... my self esteem is very low now... I don't really have confidence in me...

Him: Ignore what others said... just carry on with your work and take up their views in a constructive manner... prove to them that you are capable to do your thesis within one month...

Me: Frankly sir... do you have confidence in me? Are you confident that I manage to do this?

Him: Definitely! Of course I am confident that you will be able to do this...

Me: (hesitant smile) Oooo... thank you sir... I really need that. I'll try my best.

After saying goodbye she left the room with a new spirit... a new outlook towards life... and the only thing that is left unsaid... May the zest remain!!!

alhamdulillah... perjalanan yang bermula seawal 9 pagi tadi telah berakhir dengan selamat pada jam 6 petang... aku menaiki bas untuk pulang ke tanjung... maniobi ku tinggalkan di rumah... beliau sudah terlalu penat berkhidmat... lagipun aku juga amat tidak larat untuk memandu pulang... masa yang panjang di dalam bas ku habiskan dengan lena yang panjang... lena di dalam kegelisahan dan kepenatan... semalam aku sampai di melaka lewat petang... hanya sempat meluangkan masa bersama keluarga tercinta untuk seketika... subuh menjelang... aku terpaksa berkelana semua... berkelana ke wilayah utara...

malam ini... aku berasa sedikit gelisah... gelisah dengan apa yang bakal aku hadapi di dalam pertemuan dengan penyelia ku pada keesokan harinya... gelisah memikirkan kemungkinan-kemungkinan yang tidak pasti... sesungguhnya kehidupan ku ini adalah sesuatu yang tidak pasti... aku sendiri tidak pasti apa yang aku benar-benar mahukan di dalam hidup ku ini... adakah segalanya yang telah berlaku di dalam hidup ku ini cuma suatu persinggahan tempat di mana aku diuji dan diduga untuk suatu matlamat yang benar-benar tercipta untuk diriku? adakah apa yang aku alami sekarang merupakan kesudahan yang panjang buat diriku ini? adakah aku ini benar-benar pasti dengan segala ketidakpastian ini? selama mana boleh aku bertahan? adakah aku benar-benar kuat dan tabah? adakah aku benar-benar secerdik yang disangkakan? adakah aku mampu? siapakah aku sebenarnya?

tunjahan demi tunjahan... asakan demi asakan... segalanya bagaikan tombak menikam lumat jantung ku ini... perit... darah memercik membasahi bumi... diresap dek tanah kelabu... tanah ini tanahair ku... walaupun kelabu... di sini aku mesti berdiri... di sini aku mesti gagah... kerana... di sini segala-galanya bermula dan mungkin... di sini segala-galanya bakal berakhir... walau berpalit duka... walau berpalit sengsara... akhiran yang baik... akhiran yang penuh dengan seribu makna...

Semalam...

Happy Birthday to Us
Happy Birthday to Us
Happy Birthday M2RAH
Happy Birthday to Us!

Saat-saat semalam adalah sungguh indah
Pengalaman yang amat indah pada tahun ini, bulan ini dan saat ini
Terima kasih...
Terma kasih tak terhingga buat sahabat-sahabat ku sekalian

For always being there
For all the ears and the wise words
For the shoulders
For the laughters
For the tears
For the smiles
and most importantly
For being the bestest sahabat in the whole wide world!

May Allah bless and protect us always
Kasih selamanya...

Hari ini...

terasa nak pengsan... wahahaha... penat berjalan dan penat bersosial... penat tapi best... still... rasa nak pengsan... hehehe... tak larat nak tulis pepanjang malam ni... zzzzz.... selamat malam dunia!

Alhamdulillah... syukur kepada Ilahi di atas limpahan kurnia Rahmatnya...

Aku kini berada di alam fantasi
Alam fantasi yang belum berakhir
Tiada kesudahan... Tiada noktah...
Yang ada hanya duri-duri, dedaunan dan kembangan ros merah
Air keruh bisa berkocak
Melahirkan keladak kehidupan hitam
Membuahkan rasa syahdu
Jelek pada yang memandang
Aku kini berada di alam fantasi
Alam fantasi yang belum berakhir

Buat sahabat-sahabat seperjuangan sekalian... sambutlah salam kasih dan mesra dari ku di Utara... Insya-Allah... esok kita pasti ketemu... Terima kasih Kak Tim sekeluarga kerana sudi melapangkan masa untuk singgah ke teratak hamba yang kecil ini... Kalungan kasih buat semua ahli keluargaku, sahabatku dan teman-teman sekalian...

Kehidupan mendatang pasti menjanjikan seribu misteri... aku sabar menanti...

I slept the whole day... though I did not drive during the recent short trip to KL... the tiredness was still there... sticking to my body like a stubborn parasite... Perhaps tomorrow or early Friday I would have to travel again... again... to meet a social dateline...
Thank you Dila for a nice sardine and cekodok breakfast...
Thank you Kak Tim for the dinner treat at Teluk Tempoyak...
Really appreciate it so much... what a bad host am I...
May tomorrow brings happiness and wealth!
Good nite world!

Hellooooo… Assalamua’alaikum…

How I really miss you my dear blog! It has been days since I logged in onto the net. What a relief! At last! Here I am... Just arrived on this island with Dila…

Saturday 19/10/02

Memories… the sweet, the sour, the ‘bitter’… and everything under the sun were recollected. The day eagerly started with an excitement and hopes… lots of hopes. The hope to rekindle the restless roaming shadow. The hope to end the day with smiles and laughters. The hope to have a safe journey. The hope to reunite. The reunion of Five Power Puff Ladies.

It was an early day… excitement awaits… the erratic Mummy had finally made her sudden decision. She decided to leave the heavy boulders behind… unpolished and unrefined. Let them be… Let them be… Let them be…

“Here I come Kuala Lumpur!” she said. Yup! Even Siti was really surprised… Even she herself was in a great surprise…

The bus came at 9.15 after both of them had their breakfast at Taman Dato Sardun. Siti left for work and Mummy left for Kuala Lumpur. The journey was not tiring at all. She managed to stay awake the whole 4.30 hours on the bus. Excitement impeded her from falling asleep. Excitement impeded her from slouching. She sat straight sucking lollipops and watching “So Close” and “Derailed”. The hand phone kept beeping sending messages after other and another. Time was really well occupied. The journey ended as a short journey. Not even a tinge of tiredness was felt. Time passed without even she realized it. It was indeed an invigorating journey. The hasty burdens were left behind. They were left in the tiny suffocating island… in a chaotic mess. Let them be… Let them be… Let them be…

Muahaha… what a nice experience! A chubby lady like her was ‘pewwwwiittted’ by the passer-bys. The motorists gave a curious and perhaps a ‘gatal’ glance! Unbelievable! Muahahah again… Alas! The ‘kuda belang’ arrived… thanks dear sahabat! The sun had already scorched her… muakaka… just kidding. Then off they went to TJ… gathered there, the four of them… and off again… to the destination…

____________________________________________________________

There?
off goes the winter
Hi dearie spring
off goes the springtime
Hi ouchy summer
off goes the summer
Hiya brown fall
off goes the fall
again… welcome cold white winter
Here?
drip… drop… drip… drop…
Says the rain
crash… boom… crack
Says the thunder
whish… whosh… zrasss…
Says the storm…
auww… ouch… iurghh…
Says those who are scorched by the fierce sun
Now… This moment… This day…
the weather is finely fused… finely mused…
East West North South
The murmur of a lonely symphony
into
The rebirth of jazz and soul
in merriment… in suppressed tears… in gratitude…
celebrating the union
the hearts of five dance
Welcome back to the kampung soil!
_________________________________________________________

Sunday 20/10/02

The night was spent at Ayla’s… woke up early in the morning with hopes and anticipations… yet… tickets were sold out… nil… and no other means to go back there… nil…

bukannya aku ingin sangat untuk pulang ke pulau itu… tetapi kaki perlu digagahkan untuk melangkah… hati perlu dicekalkan… kekusutan itu perlu dihadapi dengan tenang dan sabar… Ya Allah! Ku pohon kekuatan dan hidayah darimu… hanya Engkau yang Maha Memahami segala sesuatu…

The afternoon was spent at Dila’s… washing clothes and dozing off while waiting for the clothes to dry… After Asar… off to Bangi for a sumptuous iftar… nyummy… yummy… burppp… thanks gals! Thank you for the dinner and the time… Thank you for the roof and the shelter… May the Almighty repay thou kindness…

walaupun senyuman dan keriangan terpancar di wajah… riak kesedihan seakan sukar usai dari benak fikiran… hati dibayangi kabut kelabu… kabut degil yang sukar dilenyapkan… kegembiraan berbaur kesedihan memancar aroma kegelisahan… kegelisahan yang memenatkan setiap saraf… setiap denyutan nadi… setiap denyut jantung… wajah merah ceria… benak pucat lesi… segalanya mungkin… segala yang buruk… segala yang baik… segala yang bodoh… segala yang pasti dan tidak pasti… aku pasrah…


Monday 21/10/02

STRANDED in Kuala Lumpur… still...
in madness… in numbness… in guilt… in sorrow… in melancholic happiness…

hikety… dokety… dooo…
brikety… bukety… booo…

The day ended with satisfied hunger… bitter regrets… and a revelation!


Tuesday 22/10/02

Nisfu Syaban!

Rasa berat untuk meninggalkan kotaraya ini…
Namun, walaupun geruh terasa…
Bersemuka adalah lebih baik dari menikus
Bertentang mata adalah lebih baik dari berselindung
Kenapa perlu takut?
Takut itu hanya kepada Dia…
Kenapa perlu gusar?
Gusar itu tunjahan iblis…
Kenapa perlu lari?
Lari itu sifat pengecut…
Persoalannya…
Adakah aku cukup berani?
Adakah aku cukup tenang?
Adakah aku cukup tabah?

I really feel like puking out my tummy… the mixture of the emotions is unbearable… I want to let them go… I want to be free… I want to have peace…

truttt… truttt… truttt… truttt…

The early morning phone conversation leads to a relief and stress free state of being… An advice was sought and good advice was given… The heavy weight has somehow being lifted…

The Verdict:

I was advised to not submit the thesis this mid-November. Hence, an F will be given. F will temporarily appear on my result slip until I pass the thesis. Forego the remaining 10 credits registration on the 25th. October. Hence, money will not be wasted. Take a break… Polish the paper by considering feedback received during the presentation… Come out with a concrete and good literature review including a sensible theoretical framework… Carry on with the subject at hand… Stick to the same supervisor… No other proposal presentation… May 2003… register again… every data is there… just assemble all the information… edit and submit… how about that?

Alhamdulillah… though there will be a bit technical disruption with the scholarship… this advice is really a stress free and an invigorating advice… Insya-Allah myself, my family, my friends, my government and everybody out there… I’ll give my 110%... I must… I can… I will…

______________________________________________________________

Hey tiny island! I’m baccccckkkkkkk! More dangerous than ever… Thank you Allah for helping me… Thank you very much… Indeed, today is really a blessed nisfu Syaaban...

tak sangka... tak sangka... aku pun terperanjat gak nih... tak sangka... tak sangka...

tadi aku ada buat depression analysis... jawab online questionnaire di realage... analysis keadaan aku sekarang nih ditahap major depression... aku pun tak tau yang aku nih major depression... insomnia... check... bowel disorder... check... extreme fatigue... check... restlessness... check... mang aiii... semuanya check... siap suruh aku dapatkan rawatan doktor agik tuh. anyway, aku ok... aku bebetul okay... aku akan jumpa Doktor aku malam ini lama sikit... harapnya aku boleh dapat ketenangan akal dan hati...

oleh sebab itu, petang tadik aku sudah buat keputusan... akhirnya... aku akan ke kolumpo esok... miot, here i come... daripada aku layan blues di pulau ni baik aku merayap di atas muka bumi ini menghirup udara tanah besar... aku okay... aku okay... just need to get some air... oleh itu para sahabat M2RAH sekalian... kita akan berkumpul esok... insya-Allah...

Have you ever watched The Sound of Music? Once upon a time I was so obsessed with the movie. It was like a bowl of chicken soup... It was...

My Favourite Things

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens;
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens;
Brown paper packages tied up with strings;
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cream-colored ponies and crisp apple strudels;
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles;
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings;
These are a few of my favorite things.

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes;
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes;
Silver-white winters that melt into springs;
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the dog bites,
When the bee stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Kalau semuanya berjalan dengan lancar sahaja... tidaklah namanya sebuah kehidupan. Hidup seharusnya disulami dengan onak dan ranjau berduri. Seperti bila mana kita inginkan sekuntum ros, pasti ada duri-duri yang menghalang kita untuk memetik bunga tersebut. Tetapi dengan cara yang bijak kita pasti akan dapat memetik kuntuman bunga ros tersebut untuk kita berikan kepada insan yang tersayang. Well... ini hanya dari segi perbandingan sahaja. Aku kurang bersetuju di dalam perkara merosakkan alam sekitar ini. Bagi aku bunga-bungaan adalah indah sekiranya ia dibiarkan memekar di dalam habitatnya tersendiri. Tanpa ada tangan yang menyentuhnya... Tanpa ada gunting yang memisahkannya dari tangkainya... Tanpa ada tangan yang mahu mencabut kelopak-kelopak bunga tersebut lantas dijadikan sebagai kayu pengukur... sebagai tanda untuk pengiyaan atau penidakkan. Hmmm...

Aku sebenarnya amat gusar... Pagi tadi aku telah menerima satu berita buruk. Amat buruk sehingga aku merasa seperti satu tangan perkasa telah menampar hebat pipiku ini... seperti hatiku telah ditikam dengan berbilah pisau... seperti kurasakan dunia ini telah terhenti berputar... Kenapa kau berikan aku harapan yang palsu? Kenapa kau lontarkan aku ke arah harapan yang tidak pasti? Aku sememangnya phobia dengan harapan... tetapi aku telah terperangkap sekali lagi dengan sesuatu yang dinamakan harapan... sukar untuk aku bernafas di dalam perangkap ini... amat sukar...

Aku cuba untuk mengharunginya... namun... insan kerdil seperti aku... adakah aku mampu?

Sebuah cinta dan harapan
Menjadi debu berterbangan
Tersekat nafasku
Kabur pandangan mataku
Amat tersiksa jiwa
Kerna kehilangannya
Mengapa terus mengharap menanti
Walau cukup kusedari kau takkan kembali...

Lahai... lahai... makin touching pulak lagu ni bila diberi nafas baru oleh KRU. Membuat aku teringat segala sejarah hitam putih yang telah aku tempuhi sewaktu waktu dahulu. Tapi.... screeetttttt... brek angin! Aku tak mahu layan blues malam ni... I don't want all the lovely memories that was created today invaded by my blues... In the aft, I brought my guest for a tour around the island, had a nice and peaceful coconut drink at Seagate, chatting and discussing about stuffs while enjoying the scenic Pulau Jerjak, went for shopping at Bukit Jambul and finally dined at Telok Tempoyak or Sour Durian Bay as I called it... hehehe... A bit sad when I sent him to the airport... Sad... Yup... Sad in contemplating who else will come and pay me the next visit... this veil of loneliness is really thick and it can be lifted up only by the existence of people who are dear to my heart. Hmmm... my sister will come this early November... horrraayyy! All the best sis in your final exam! Don't be sad... I know you can do it... just believe in yourself... yeah... both of us need to have faith in ourselves, aren't we sis? As to you my bro... congratulation for the result! The result can be improved... it needs courage and determination... Best of the best to both of you Dila and Arif including yourself Mummy! :-)

Hmm... again... the urge to layan blues is so strong. I have to restrain myself... I don't want to be melancholic... not today... Yeah... thanks KRU for making me want to feel this way... blep... Before retiring to the slumberland... let me experiment one new lesson that I learnt today from my sifu... Hehehe... What was it? I learnt to make a link! Yesh! Thanks sifu for showing me how. Jadik tak? So, for further experiment... this is another interesting site that I want to use for practice for my link lesson: Ratusan Ilham... Try to click at the name Ratusan Ilham and see what happen... Yea... Yea.. Mummy pandai yea! Hahaha... By the way, feel free to be a member and contribute ideas in Ratusan Ilham... this is an advertisement :-)... Well well... what do you know... my urge to get blues and melancholic has somehow subsided... that's it lady! Bagushhh!

Okie dokie... let me continue with my work before anything weird happens... hehehe... Perhaps Utada Hikaru's will be great... Open Sesame!

Azan Isyak sudah berkumandang... terasa sayu di hati... kebesaran Ilahi tidak perlu dinafi...

Banyak kebesaran Allah aku lalui pada hari ini. Alhamdulillah... walaupun amarah dan gangguan emosi aku amat meluap-luap pada hari ini tapi dengan berkat kesabaran dan fikiran yang tenang aku dapat mengatasi tunjahan-tunjahan syaitan ini. Seawal pagi aku sudah mencelikkan mata dan mampu menjalankan kehidupan sihat. Kemudian bersiap sedia ke kampus. Hajat di hati nak menguruskan mengenai pertukaran status aku itu tapi terbantut... kerani yang bertugas bercuti kecemasan dan dekan pula tidak boleh ditemui, sabbatical leave kata mereka... aku mula emosi... Kemudian aku cuba pula menghubungi penyelaras progam ijazah... tiada di bilik... handphone beliau pula perempuan tuttt yang menjawab... amarah mula meresapi saraf... pish posh pish posh... sabor Mummy... sabor... Bila mood hilang, aku pusing sekitar kawasan Bayan Baru membuat sedikit tugasan peribadi... Namun, seperti yang aku selalu perkatakan, di sebalik hujan lebat pasti ada pelangi yang indah... miracles happened...

Miracle pertama: Aku jumpa cek dividen yang hampir waktu lupusnya di dalam timbunan buku-buku ku... alhamdulillah...

Miracle kedua: Aku akhirnya ada kehidupan sosial... Enid called and invited me for lunch... lerrr... rupa-rupanya ada udang di sebalik mee... kekeke... belasah aje la yang pentingnya aku boleh berborak dengan manusia lain selain daripada Siti di pulau ini... hehehe... All the best my friend! I pray that you'll get it. Aminnn...

Miracle ketiga: Aku buat pisang goreng... hahaha... campuran tepung gandum dan tepung beras aku menjadik... sedap giler pisang goreng aku... sebijik macam yang mak buat... yehaaa!

Miracle keempat: Ayah tepon... dia kata dia ada masukkan sedikit duit untuk aku. Alhamdulillah... Aku cakap dengan ayah tak perlu dia buat begitu sebab semalam dia baru bank in some untuk aku. Tapi ayah aku kata tak apa... Ermmm... rezeki jangan ditolak... Kasih ayah yang tak terhingga membuatkan dadaku sebak... Terima kasih ayah...

Namun... di dalam suka terselit juga duka... hiba... sedih... pilu...

A certain friend was hurt in my quest for self-discovery...
A certain friend was hurt in my struggle to break the Alcatraz...
A certain friend was brushed away...
To this friend, I seek your forgiveness...
Wishing that you'll never treat me like such again...
It hurts... deep...
You're forgiven...

I want to rinse this mess with a hot shower... Farethewell the miraculous day! :-)

Last night there was a movie... Michael Collins. Sifu asked me these (in his exact sms words):

1. who the hell is michael collins.
2. apsal dia femes sgt?
3. idup lagi ke dia?
4. dia ni pengasas IRA ke?
5. siapa 1st. presiden republic of irish?
6. apa status ireland skrg eh?
7. one last question, michael collins penyanyi tu ada kena mengena ngan dia ke?

Orait! Since I am a researcher, thus, I'll be glad to do a bit of research about this fella. The answers are:

1. michael collins is not a hell... he is a person... was... a guy person. Irish Patriot. 1890-1922. Commander-in-Chief, Irish Free State Army.
2. Femes because he was a revolutionary... a legend... the lost leader... check out this site [http://www.iol.ie/~obrienc/]
3. RIP beb... now, is 2002... he only managed to capture oxygen in his lungs until 1922...
4. IRA? I bet gula nira is sweet... :-p Both in IRA and IRB... not a pengasas but an active member... check out this site [http://members.cruzio.com/~sbarrett/mcollins.htm]

5. Who wants to be a millionnaire?
A. Mahathir Muhamad
B. George Bush
C. Saddam Hussein
D. Douglas Hyde

6. Status: single, not searching but just waiting for somebody to fall from heaven, pretty flustered... hahahah...
7. Check out this site [http://www.ucc.ie/celt/collins.html] Now, do you think that he had any relationship or family lineage with the singer?

I hope I've given enough answers... kekeke...

What happened to me today?

Wow! Today is indeed a cemerlang day. I woke up at 6.45 a.m. (hahaha... amazing and cemerlang huh?) and took a hot shower. Very refreshing because the weather was very cold and gloomy, after a very heavy rain last night. Received a call from Zura... hahaha... gotcha! I was early today! Heheheh... Then, I went to Petronas to fill in my gas... alhamdulillah... I found 20 ringgit in my Maybank account... :-) Then, off to the airport... and just in time when I saw abang Khahar was walking out from the arrival's door. We took a sumptuous breakfast at Kayu (on him) and chatted and chatted and chatted... It is really nice to have someone to come over and visit us.... best... best... best... Then off we went to Chowrasta because he wanted to buy pickled nutmegs for his family and friends. Since it was still early, so we went back to my house and watched TUXEDO. Yehaaa... wachaaa... wachaaa... said Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jackie Chan. Then, around 1 something... off we went to pekena Nasi Kandaq Subaidah... and I sent him to Bayview Beach Resort afterwards. Back home... I made some calls to KL... Siti came back from work just when Anugerah Bintang Fofular Berita Harian was on air... We jerit-jerit... We kutuk-kutuk... Then, we retired to our own rooms and did a bit of winter cleaning... kekeke...

Conclusion: Indeed... this is the best day of the entire drowsy days that I've experienced lately in the island! ;-)
Lesson: Above is a narrative writing... it has the mixture of both free and narrative elements... Smile!

Have your ever heard about free writing?

free write is when you write whatever that pops into your mind. it can lead us to limitless of ideas though sometimes we will write craps. craps as in none that is revelevant to the topic but sometimes it is relevant. some peple will indulge in a mambo jumbo when they free write. aiyaaa... where's siti? i'm getting worried. she hasn't come home yet. huh... this handphone is making noises again... beep beep beep beep... giving me sms to reply. wait, let me attend to the phone. lerrrr... this fella wants to know about michael collin. who on earth is this guy? seems so famous but i think if he is of an irish origin... perhaps yeats or cranberries or the corrs are more famous... kekeke... let me check out about him tomorrow and narrate about him in this blog. wait okay sifoo master... hehehehe... oh yea to come back to free writing. sometimes when we free write we can let go our emotions through the writing itself. one thing good about free wrting is that you can write anything you want without any concern about the grammar ior typo errpor or splelling mistdkes :-) as in now... my emotions is a bit hazy but relief because i've found a cheque hidden in my book... alhamdulillah... i'll bank it in on monday... alhamdulillah again... this is a miracle! huargghh... got to sleep early. tomorrow abang Khahar will arrive. got to fetch him at the airport as early as eight. EIGHT.30 a.m. hahaha... very early... kekeke... adios! opppsss... not a single penny is necessray to read this because this is indeed a "free" writing... huahahaha...

p/s: above is an example of a free writing. who can identify what is the original discussion in the above

Alhamdulillah... I've suffered the presentation though with a severe brain damage. Anyway, what a relief! It was the first time that I felt somebody (or in this case few people) really took a look at what I am doing... at what I have prepared for my research... they really gave a lot of insights, comments and useful advice. Though to speak up infront of professors and doctors was a knee-melting experience, in one way or another I really felt satisfied and felt like as if a load of heavy weight was lifted up from my aching brain. It was okay... okay to be bombarded by unanswerable questions, to be glanced at with a kind of frenzy snares, to be made little and foolish... it was okay... at least they were paying attention to my proposal.

Actually, I have a vague idea of what is going on between my supervisor and me. I met him frequently, more frequent than any other supervisee. I reported my progress to him, for each write-up that I did... I gave him a copy, I tailed him wherever he went, frequent warm email notes... but... still I couldn't get it... just couldn't get the whole picture of what should be done with my study. I'm confused and not sure... perhaps... though I'm near, the communication link has broken somewhere... perhaps there's a barrier... a barrier between a genius intellectual supervisor and the very low self-esteem and low confident level of the supervisee. The blame is on me... I guess... I just couldn't cope with his intellectual stimulant... perhaps... Now, I'm very angry with myself for not being able to be as brilliant as my supervisor and the other lecturers. I'm really afraid to imagine and picture that I'll be amongst them as a colleague in the future. It is just plain embarrasing... I should have done better... I must be better that the rest of my course mates... for I'm going to be their colleague... my supervisor's and my lecturers' colleague...

At this point, I think that I have committed a great mistake. It is a great mistake to study in the university that will become my place for bread somewhere in the future. It is a mistake for me to be here. Everything is a mistake... Is it? Is it a mistake? Or Allah is testing me through my existence in this place? Is it? How valid is it for me to say that it is a mistake? Is there any hard proof? I'm just a human, am I? I don't know what will happen tomorrow... I don't know what will happen the day after tomorrow... I just don't know... So, how can I mark this as a mistake. Who am I to say that? I'm a nobody... a nobody... a nobody...

However, after the presentation, my programme coordinator advised me to change my status into a part-time student so that I manage to get an extra time to do my research. It is possible to do so, she said. And she said, judging from my proposal and state of being, to submit my thesis by 15th. November will wrangle my neck and it is such a waste if I ended up with an F. Again, I felt like I was touched by an angel. Now, is it a mistake?

So tomorrow, I'll go to the Humanities office, make an appointment with the Dean and arrange for the changing of the status so that I can submit my thesis on May. I'm praying hard that everything will go on smoothly. I really hope that this will really work else, I'll be spending my one month standing at the edge of insanity and just be ready to plunge into it when the right button is pressed. Just like a ticking dynamite... Alhamdulillah again... though I'm not receiving my allowance this month, I've received a letter saying that my allowance will be continued as usual until May 2003. So, I do have enough time. Do I?

The sky is really weally getting dark... it's gonna rain soon... bye... bye... bye... muahhhsssss...

___________________
Poverty breeds insanity
Insanity breeds creativity
Creativity breeds sanity
Sanity breeds tranquility
and...
what breeds tranquility out of sanity and sanity out of creativity and creativity out of insanity and insanity out of poverty

Tepuklah dada... tanyalah iman...

dugaan datang bertubi-tubi... teruk betul aku bulan ni... aku ingat kalau aku berdoa' mau makbul doa' aku... doa' orang teraniaya la katakan... aku tak dapat elaun aku untuk bulan ni... kata mereka... mereka dah tersilap buat penyelarasan... ada orang lain yang namanya seiras nama aku tapi yang jadik mangsa keadaan adalah aku... mereka sudah buat silap... huishhh... aku rasa tak puas hati betul... mereka yang buat silap aku dengan percuma aje jadik mangsa keadaan... patut ke tak patut? elaun aku akan masuk sekulek ngan elaun bulan depan... kata mereka... harapnya laa... tapi bil telefon aku meronta-ronta minta untuk dibayar... cathridge pula waktu ini la minta diganti... kertas A4 pula tiba-tiba habis stock... perut? jangan cakap la... pish... posh... pish... posh... mau figure aku jadik macam Ally McBeal kalau berterusan begini... dalam wallet hanya ada sepluh inggit... dalam bank? hahahahah... teruk gak jadik student semula ni...

esok aku ada proposal presentation... harap semuanya berjalan dengan lancar... doa' banyak-banyak Mummy... doa'... kau sedang teraniaya ni... amin...

Akhirnya... dapat jugak aku tengok cerita Embun nih... Hmmm... Siapa kata cerita Melayu tak ada kualiti? Embun memang best! (Begitu juga Soal Hati... hehehe... tak sabar nak tengok Soalnya Hati Siapa... hehehe...)Tapi aku hairan mairan dengan kritikan hebat yang dipaparkan di media massa. Apabila ditanya pendapat ramai, dikatakan Embun adalah a "frown upon" movie... Iskh... iskh... iskh... bagi aku secara peribadi... khalayak penonton wayang Melayu telah jauh tersasar dari pencernaan mesej di dalam cerita yang ditonton... Cerita-cerita ringan seperti Mariana Mariana, Anak Mami, Senario The Movie... mampu menyendatkan panggung. Tapi... cerita yang penuh dengan pengajaran mengenai sejarah dan bangsa seperti ini... dipersoalkan dengan sebegitu rupa. Benar... ada sedikit adegan yang agak kurang menyenangkan bagi khalayak penonton Melayu yang penuh dengan tatasusila kebudayaan yang tinggi... tetapi perkara ini tidak wajar diperbesarkan-besarkan sehingga reputasi cerita Embun agak dingin. Orang-orang tua ada kata... gajah di seberang bukan main lagi kita nampak tetapi semut di kaki? Antara gajah dengan semut, manakah yang lebih rajin dan baik? Tepuk dada tanya selera... Hmmm... bukan aku nak membebel di dinihari sebegini tetapi aku kesal dengan mentaliti orang kita... sampai bila kita harus begini? Adegan "over" sedikit di dalam Embun amat dipertikaikan tetapi kenapa tiada siapa nak mempertikaikan semua cerita mat saleh yang pastinya ada unsur-unsur SX.... dan bagaimana pula dengan penjualan cd blue yang melata? Siapa yang beli? Tergelak aku kalau ada yang kata orang kita tak sentuh cd-cd blue sebegitu... Okie... aku nak tido... esok kena bangun awal... nak siapkan kerja aku... Opppsss... mungkin ada yang tak setuju dengan apa yang aku kata ni... tapi usah digusarkan... ini hanyalah cebisan kecil dari minda aku ni... terpulang kepada selera masing-masing... Ye tak?

p/s: Don't be sad Erma Fatima... a round applause and a standing ovation for you! Keep up the good job!

Waduh... waduh... capek rasanya badan ku ini... sungguh letih memandu di dalam hujan lebat dari Melaka ke Penang ni... Takkan la aku nak suruh ayah memandu kot... dia dah sponsor minyak dan tol tuh sangat la alhamdulillah... hehehe...

Udah la... aku terasa amat penat ni... tiada cas untuk berbicara pada malam ni... di minda ku hanya... tidur... tidur... tidur... tapi di hati ku ia berkata... kerja kau belum siap... esok nak jumpa supervisor... Ohhh tidakkkk!

Babai! :(
______________________________

Some people can afford to be merry
Some can not
Some people can afford to laugh
Some can not
For beneath the grunts and whines
Indeed we have a fair ordeal...
???

Alhamdulillah... I am very grateful to Allah the Almighty for blessing me with tranquility and a peace of mind...

To be at home is such an expressible relaxing experience... I love Jasin... I love Kesang Jaya... though my house is terribly messy... yet... inwardly, it is not so... Everything flows smoothly... just like water flowing from a beautiful small stream... berkat kedua emak dan ayah... berkat doa' emak... berkat memandang wajah emak dan ayah dengan pandangan kasih, sayang dan hormat...

Tomorrow, I'll be going back to the suffocating island again. Yeah... I'm sad... it's like an invisible prison... just like the Alcatraz... no escape... except through a painful luck... will there be one?

However, itsokay... the weighted load of going back to the island is partially lifted with the company of my two beloved men... ayah and Arif... thanks guys for understanding me and sparing your time to support me spiritually, emotionally, mentally and even in financial contribution. Thanks again guys... Sucksss... the university is looking forward for a swift side-kick from me perhaps... My patience is really tested... I am yet to pay my rent, my loan, my phone bills... and to think of not being able to go down south to meet my sahabat on her day of arrival really boils my blood... How I wish I have the strength to disobey my parents and storm into the HR office and firmly state my decision to let go the fellowship... I wish... how I really wish...

Oh dear... I'm having this sickening thoughts again... I feel sick to the stomach... before barbing out... let me sign out... enjoy the Japanese mp3... and continue my work... I must finish it... I have to finish it well... I must pass the viva.... I must... I must detach myself from the mind haunting island... if not forever at least for sometimes till I regain enough strength to tear apart the Alcatraz walls... I must... I must... All the best to me!

n.b. My best guy friends asked me these: "Mummy, why Penang in the first place?" Hahahaha... I laughed... "Mummy, why did you let go the UiTM scholarship?" Hahahaha... again I laughed... and the laughter is even louder...

Salam and selawat ke atas Junjungan Besar Nabi Muhammad p.b.h.
Dear Allah, I seek your Rahman and Rahim... please endow me these:
May I live in tears...
May I live in peace...
May I die in peace...
May I die with smiles...
For thou knoweth what I have suffered
For thou knoweth what have I sacrificed
For thou the All-Knowing...
Even the tiniest restlessness in my soul
Grant me strength
Grant me patience
Grant me peace
Accept me... a sinner I am... I do not worth an acceptance
Accept my love... Accept my fear...though I do not worth either
Accept my prayers... And all my good deeds...
Indeed I do not merit your heaven...
Yet... if hell is my place... You are the All-Knowing...
Your Acceptance, Your Love and Meeting You are all I seek...
Blessings and prayers for my parents and my gurus...
Walhamdulillahi Rabbil A'lamin

Time to lay back... to ponder... to recap... to close my eyes... good nite all!

I slept the whole day...
as if the stress would be washed away...

just two lines...
adios!

yep.... the shadow is indeed walking... nope... roaming to be exact... aimlessly on earth to find its solid entity... oh no... the sun is hidden by the dark thick clouds... it's going to rain... it has rained... along the stretch from Gombak to Melaka... oh dear... stop raining... it is hazardous to drive in a heavy rain... out of focus... out of good judgement... a sister has scolded... stop the rain! yea right... but who can stop what God has ordained... sometimes we need rain to refresh the dry earth... we need rain to wash away all the dirt... we need rain to make our days and nights cool... we need rain... not all the time but sometimes... thunders are cracking again... it's gonna rain again...

today is the saddest day of my life... i'm touched... i'm being hurt... i'm being reminded... anyway, smile... thank you very much M2RAH for your concerns... thanks Zura, thanks Miot, thanks Ayla... thank you y'all... itsokay... i'm okay... still okay... don't worry too much okay... i am fine... i guess...

the rain is going to pour... ahhh... what a bliss to get onto the bed... may my dreams are filled with rainbows... nitey!

eLO! eLO!

Semalam 1 Oktober tapi tak sempat nak tulis apa-apa pulak kat blog ni... takper... kekeke... laptopnya ada tapi point tepon pulak yang tak ada...

Anyway, hari ni kiranya macam canggih sikit sebab update blog gunakan computer library UPM. Suka hati aku ajek... tau dek Bluehikari nih mau naya ajek... kekeke... Hari ni continue buat research kat library UPM pulak. Canggih jangan tak canggih library ni... aku suka... aku suka... Mebbe lepak di sini sampai petang kot... ingatnya malam ni nak tido kat hotel murah... boleh nyambung keje aku ni.. tido kat umah orang ni rasa segan sikit la nak stay up. Tengok la macam mana... Elaun pun lum tentu dah masuk untuk bulan ni... lambat sangat la pulak... uhuk... uhuk...

Semalam memang best... pagi aku lepak library UKM... Tun Sri Lanang... petang umah Kak Tim... malam layan "Signs" ngan Kak Tim kat Mid Valley. Sapa kata citer tuh tak best? Best ajek... ala-ala citer "Contact"... It takes a painful journey to become a believer...

Okie la... cukup la sampai sini dulu... rasa guilty pulak meligan komputer orang sebegini... okie tokie... Pray that my brain will be overloaded with ideas and manage to complete the assigned tasks ASAP. Adios!!