Alhamdulillah... I've suffered the presentation though with a severe brain damage. Anyway, what a relief! It was the first time that I felt somebody (or in this case few people) really took a look at what I am doing... at what I have prepared for my research... they really gave a lot of insights, comments and useful advice. Though to speak up infront of professors and doctors was a knee-melting experience, in one way or another I really felt satisfied and felt like as if a load of heavy weight was lifted up from my aching brain. It was okay... okay to be bombarded by unanswerable questions, to be glanced at with a kind of frenzy snares, to be made little and foolish... it was okay... at least they were paying attention to my proposal.

Actually, I have a vague idea of what is going on between my supervisor and me. I met him frequently, more frequent than any other supervisee. I reported my progress to him, for each write-up that I did... I gave him a copy, I tailed him wherever he went, frequent warm email notes... but... still I couldn't get it... just couldn't get the whole picture of what should be done with my study. I'm confused and not sure... perhaps... though I'm near, the communication link has broken somewhere... perhaps there's a barrier... a barrier between a genius intellectual supervisor and the very low self-esteem and low confident level of the supervisee. The blame is on me... I guess... I just couldn't cope with his intellectual stimulant... perhaps... Now, I'm very angry with myself for not being able to be as brilliant as my supervisor and the other lecturers. I'm really afraid to imagine and picture that I'll be amongst them as a colleague in the future. It is just plain embarrasing... I should have done better... I must be better that the rest of my course mates... for I'm going to be their colleague... my supervisor's and my lecturers' colleague...

At this point, I think that I have committed a great mistake. It is a great mistake to study in the university that will become my place for bread somewhere in the future. It is a mistake for me to be here. Everything is a mistake... Is it? Is it a mistake? Or Allah is testing me through my existence in this place? Is it? How valid is it for me to say that it is a mistake? Is there any hard proof? I'm just a human, am I? I don't know what will happen tomorrow... I don't know what will happen the day after tomorrow... I just don't know... So, how can I mark this as a mistake. Who am I to say that? I'm a nobody... a nobody... a nobody...

However, after the presentation, my programme coordinator advised me to change my status into a part-time student so that I manage to get an extra time to do my research. It is possible to do so, she said. And she said, judging from my proposal and state of being, to submit my thesis by 15th. November will wrangle my neck and it is such a waste if I ended up with an F. Again, I felt like I was touched by an angel. Now, is it a mistake?

So tomorrow, I'll go to the Humanities office, make an appointment with the Dean and arrange for the changing of the status so that I can submit my thesis on May. I'm praying hard that everything will go on smoothly. I really hope that this will really work else, I'll be spending my one month standing at the edge of insanity and just be ready to plunge into it when the right button is pressed. Just like a ticking dynamite... Alhamdulillah again... though I'm not receiving my allowance this month, I've received a letter saying that my allowance will be continued as usual until May 2003. So, I do have enough time. Do I?

The sky is really weally getting dark... it's gonna rain soon... bye... bye... bye... muahhhsssss...

___________________
Poverty breeds insanity
Insanity breeds creativity
Creativity breeds sanity
Sanity breeds tranquility
and...
what breeds tranquility out of sanity and sanity out of creativity and creativity out of insanity and insanity out of poverty

Tepuklah dada... tanyalah iman...