alas! berada di depan komputer jua akhirnya... memanglah cc ni tak sama dengan komputer aku tapi at least aku boleh melepaskan gian... huahahaha... masih di kl dan baru sahaja pulang dari hospital menemani adik aku... nampak gayanya aku masih belum boleh pulang ke rumah lagi... uhuk... uhuk... aku pasrah... macam-macam berlaku semenjak aku di sini... biarlah aku tampalkan sahaja offline entry aku...

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The Lamentation of the Shadow…

an offline entry for the long and boring Tuesday 8.17 p.m. 14th. January 2003…

alluz dear me blog,

it has been almost two days i’ve been here claiming myself the title of “katak simpan”… iurrgghhh… this sucks… i suppose to go out there and be alive with the muse of nature… but i guess to leave the comfortable and secure vacinity of this coconut shelter might mean that the shelter isn’t easily accessible to me in an easy way anymore… well… well… well… everything is not in its order at the moment… my stupendous life, my delayed tasks at hand and even of some of my friend’s too… in silence they are writhing in pain though it is not outwardly spoken yet the overwhelming sense of pressure seems to be able to penetrate my yet to be wrinkled skin… they don’t call the spiritual bond for nothing, aren’t they?

ermmm… what mumbo jumbo i’m leasing out tonite… as a faith squatter i believe that i don’t have the right to complaint… my sis went out again for another delightful sosial gathering… yucks… i am here at her dormitory trying to figure out what i should do and what i shouldn’t do… tomorrow may be the big day… yup! i frankly admit it… i am very doubly terribly afraid… ashame… embarrass… shy… not a single tinge of confidence in me… yet… i want to do it… at least i think i want to do it… the might feels so heavy as if to drag two mountains on my respective shoulders… my face might become numb and swollen… my senses might go hanky panky… my steps might become unsteady… i might fall or i might stand… i really don’t know what to suspect… oppsss… i mean… expect… a very cynical me i guess…

should i leap? should i not leap? should i go? should i not go? should i face my worst fear? should i not? should i drag myself? should i not? i just don’t know… i just don’t know… i just don’t know… why do things have to become this complex? why must time be so deceitful and trick me into the web of adulthood? my sis said that amongst my circle of friends, i am the only one who is not matured… yeah… somehow… she is right… i have too much going on in my head… i’m not ready to commit… i’m not ready to involve in the complexity of the so called office politics… i’m not ready to leave my past… and i don’t even have an absolute plan for the future… what i’m doing now is living my hasty present the best as i could… how i really envy those who have found their ground… hmmm… i’m still that gloomy shadow trying to find its solid matched entity… what a painful journey it has to endure… roaming the earth without an absolute form… sometimes falters along the road and sometimes gets wet when the rain pours down… the shadow… seeking to find its graceful master… it has neither the senses nor the soul… praying hard to grasp them both… praying hard to find its solidness… praying hard to breathe in serenity…

i say a little prayer for me
i say a little prayer for me
…
forever and ever you’ll stay in my heart and i will love you
forever and ever we never will part oh, how i love you
together forever that’s how it must be to live without you would only mean heartbreak for me…

that’s life… we will never be sure when will become sure of it… sure and too sure are just like those crystals… ready to break if we misjuggle them…

we always demand perfectness… but are we that perfect when we demand for the ultimate perfectness? are we that handsome that we want to go out only with beautiful ladies? are we that rich that we can buy happiness and the finesse of all things around us? are we that brilliant that we can win nobel prize every year? are we that perfect? what is perfect in its basic essence?

we thought that we have received the best but ain’t best is a compound term? we thought that we are losers but ain’t losers are subjected to the fragments of human’s limited capacity? we thought that we have an absolute happiness but ain’t happiness is the enemy of a jealous time? we thought that we have it all but ain’t there quicksand to take it all away from us? sucking us deeper within a friction of time… waiting for our panic reactions to quicken the pull… to leave us with fear and morbid agility… spirits are dampened… the self is without worth… a definite end for those who are afraid… a definite end for those who are panicking… a definite end for those who only think of death…

capish!

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The Spirit Soars?

an offline entry… again… for Wednesday 11.45 p.m. 15th. January 2003…

i feel like screaming my lungs out… to travel without any access to the internet is totally secondary to eat dishes without any rice… i guess i’m a reaaal burden over here… a burden to my friends having to let me washing clothes at their houses… a burden to my sis having to share this small square with me… today is the strongest when i sensed it and that was when she said that she felt like her room was more like mine… yeah… with all the tidy up things etc…. yeah i know… i am a pain in the ass… even… i’m burdening myself when staying here in the central… i just can’t think properly… whining… whining… whining… when i was in the north, i longingly dreamt of being in the south and when i’m here… i crave for privacy and silence in the confinement of my rooms either the one melaka or the one one in penang… hey… i’m just a human okay!

anyway, this afternoon… alas! i’ve confronted my biggest fear calmly… alhamdulillah… it was not that bad though the guilt is still hanging loosely within me… thank you sire for accepting me and guiding me to the light with all the patience in the world … it is not easy… my path is not as smooth as those highway roads… mine has all the bumps, red soils, mud, dirt and holes… if the others could drive their perdana or wira or sonata… i have to drive pajero or any other four wheels drive… i need extra skills, extra guidance, extra bumps on the head and extra reminders in order to get to it… it is simply not easy for me… i am vulnerable to bruises, cuts, aches and even death if my vehicle is not handled tactfully… well… it is not easy to be me…

hmmm… tonite, my mind cannot stop churning and pondering why on earth i wanted to continue my study in the first place? is it for the sake of anak bangsa? is it for my own self satisfaction? is it for the sake of having higher income and bulging wallet in the future? is it because of the scholarship offer? or… is it because of that self less act again? as far as i am aware… the course that i’m taking is not challenging at all… it is not something new… i’ve learnt it all during my undergrad… and even the learning environment is not in sync with my taste… so, what the tut on earth i’m doing there? okay… okay… breath in… breath out… cool down babeh…you can’t think well if you are under the devil’s snare… there must be wisdom behind it all… there must be an interesting story that is yet to be narrated… there must good reasons behind them all… cool down… just follow the flow… close your eyes… feel that refreshing cool water of that beautiful stream brushing through your hands, your hair, your eye lids… massaging your whole body endlessly… you are floating without fear… all the stress are leaving your body… washed away by the soft current of the stream… you are still floating… floating into the realm of peace and tranquility… floating into the valley of dreams…

good nite my fierce world! fare thee well!

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Kekantoian Melata…

again and again and again an offline entry… 10.27 p.m. 16th. January 2003…

well… well… well… malam ini aku dan adik aku kantoi lagi… tapi kali ini aku kantoi secara terang-terangan… yeaaaaaah… thanks to myself… i was too straight to lie and it ended out as a frank slurred of the plain truth… this sucks! i must get home soon else i’ll become an endless trouble to my sis… enough of the birocracy or the birocrazy as i like to put it… furthermore, i’m too tired to become a musafir… enough of the shadow that has become my loyal substitute in carrying out the act of roaming and searching for a solid entity… now… even worse… my physical being has to endure the same act… it is tiring indeed and really weally uncomfortable… torturous… the bodily strength needs to be recharged… the mental strength needs to be struck by a massive lightning… the damage has already being done… to mend it is just like gluing pieces of a burnt tissue paper… i’m in a mess… my sis too…

sulking and tossing restlessly on the bed were my “precious” activities during the day… i hate it… i hate it very much… i’ve better things to do but… oh how i really hate it…

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entah bila lagi la aku dapat online lagi ni... till later... bubye my dear shadow!