Haywire

the weather is unpredictable...
sometimes it rains and sometimes it shines...
able to prick my pores and make them cry...

the air is unpredictable...
sometimes it is too hazy and sometimes it is too clear...
able to stab my lungs and make them beat unevenly...

the basic necessities are unpredictable...
it has been two days to experience water shortage and it has been awhile to have some cut-offs of the electricity...

the bodily nature is unpredictable...
sometimes it experiences chronic ailments and sometimes it just floats merrily...
no constant peace in the system...

the tummy is unpredictable...
sometimes it is unhappy without food and sometimes it is still unhappy when fed...

the mood is unpredictable...
sometimes it is positively charged and sometimes it is negatively de-charged...

the siblings? hmmm... i reserve my comments
the study? hmmm... a 5.30 to 8.30 pm class on Friday eve?
the financial? hmmm... can be debated

well... the situation out there?

chronic and confusing... to the extent of an extreme nausea...
nauseating... wishing to fall into a deep comatose...
waking up only to the cool breezy reality...

I AM HOPEFULL, still...

Beware
Of entrance to a quarrel; but being in,
Bear't that the opposed may beware of thee.
Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice;
Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgment.
Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,
But not express'd in fancy; rich, not gaudy;
For the apparel oft proclaims the man.

William Shakespeare, "Hamlet", Act 1 scene 3

Though this be madness, yet there is method in 't.

William Shakespeare, "Hamlet", Act 2 scene 2

Cowards die many times before their deaths; The valiant never taste of death but once. Of all the wonders that I yet have heard, It seems to me most strange that men should fear; Seeing that death, a necessary end, Will come when it will come.

William Shakespeare,"Julius Caesar", Act 2 scene 2


Friendship is constant in all other things Save in the office and affairs of love: Therefore all hearts in love use their own tongues; Let every eye negotiate for itself And trust no agent.

William Shakespeare, "Much Ado about Nothing",
Act 2 scene 1

The Semester is Starting...

It seems like yesterday was the end of my final exam and the start of the almost three months semester break. For some universities like UM, UKM and UPM, classes have started today. Yup! Tomorrow I'll be having my first teaching class in UM. A bit panicking because my health seems still quite unstable. Aiyayaya karamba...

Anyway, though a bit wobbly, last week, I succeeded to attend and become a faci in USIM for two days (with frequent tiring intermission to the ladies). Well... had to sacrifice a bit of money for bunking in a hotel due to the inability to drive home on the first day. I felt really ancient at that moment because once upon a time, to drive to and fro from Melaka to Seremban everyday was fine with me. Nilai to Ampang is not as far as Melaka to Seremban. Yet... Aiyaya... I really must extend my life's mileage... huhuhu...

My class in Gombak will start next week. Just registered the subject/s online. First time I was able to do such. This is the sign that I've completed all my nine pre-requisite courses... yeaaa! Prof reminded me this morning about my task to send emails to everybody in my gathered list A.S.A.P. and the most important thing is he wants me to get well soon so that I can attend the Friday session as I have religiously been doing except for the past two weeks... hehehe... What to say... I myself am so confused with my bodily system nowadays. I believe Allah is thoroughly reminding me to take care of myself intensely. These are just small reminders from Him and I should be thankful for His remembrance.

Anyway, I am still deciding whether to take two courses or just one course next semester. With my frequently tapet condition and the fasting month and the forthcoming holidays and the two classes in UM and the frequent appointments in Hospital Ampang, I guess it's gonna be a hectic semester for me. I've added two courses and still contemplating whether to drop one or not. Obviously, I am not in a hurry to be promoted or to get a permanent job or to run after the gomen seniority. Can I just enjoy myself studying at my own pace? Digesting knowledge and living the life of a scholar. Hmmm... a bliss.

Oh ya! My ITNM editing course is going smoothly. Next week will be the last class and then I can do editing work with more confidence. The bad thing is I just discovered that my Bahasa has become so rusty. I was teased profusely in the class for committing many tatabahasa mistakes. Dang! How could I claim myself as anak jati Malaysia!!! I guess I should blame it to the flatulence that I experienced the whole particular day... hahaha... Yeah right! A really bad one as I almost passed out from great pain. My friend offered to send me home but being me, greedy in knowledge, I stayed on with crumpy face until evening. I succeeded!

Okie tokie, enough rambles. I've completed my report cards last night. Now, I want to get things organised like cleaning up my messy and stinky room, washing my clothes, preparing things to teach tomorrow, etc. All these can be done when I feel okay like I am now. So off I go before being tapet again. Daag!!!

This is how healthy feels like!

Two Weeks of Pains

Ouch! Ouch!

The whole last week I was down with fever, cold/flu (+ hingus berdarah) and serious phglematic coughing. A torturous week indeed. Luckily I was able to move and go about on Friday to attend Prof's session and the 9 to 5 editing course on Saturday. I thought I was doing okay on Saturday but I had a wicked tummy ache in the evening and so-forced myself to devour ikan bakar at Umbai for dinner. Ayah treated Long, dak Rose and husband, Uteh and Mok Teh, Busu including me, Dilapette and Aripette with tonnes of sea animals dishes. "Sea animals"? I was translating the word "haiwan laut"... hehe... Yet, obviously, my tastebuds refused to enjoy the nyummy meals due to the ketapetan that I was experiencing. What a waste!

As expected, the whole Sunday, I was flat on my back and was unable to enjoy all the durians and the mangosteens. Too bad! Sedih gilers.

On Monday, I was again flat on my back due to the piercing pain on my right back side. Dilapette scared the guts out of me when she mentioned the word "stroke". Dah hilang akal ke apa budak tu? It would be nice to think of positive things, right?! Saiko.

Both yesterday and today, I've been experiencing the pierce, again. This morning around 6.30 I could hardly feel the whole of my right side. The pain was unbearable and to the extent of numbness. At the moment of typing, my right arm is still lenguh sengal sengal. Is this the process of dying that I'm experiencing at the moment? Hmmm...

No worry. I am just pondering to myself.

Anyway, I am fortunate to have those helpful hands of my anak-anak sedara who always help me to alleviate the pain by massaging and punching (with those little hands of theirs) the painful right back side. And now, I am wondering. What it will be like if my siblings were ever to send me to Rumah Orang Tua Cheras? Hmmm...

Summer Cleaning!

perghhh... lemak ku seperti diperah-perah...

Checklist Sudah+Belum:

1. Meja computer - sudah bebas dari habuk, wayar segalanya sudah diikat kemas, laci belum dikemas, alas meja belum digantikan (uangnya tidak kecukupan untuk membeli alas baru, alas lama sudah robek tobek dikerjakan oleh anak kangkungs).

2. Dapur - peti ais sudah berkilat (thanks to Dilapette), kotak stok keropok sudah dikemas, rak pinggan belum dikemaskini, dapur belum digilap, barangan kitarsemula sudah dibungkus, lantai dapur belum dimop, palam belum dibaiki, lampu belum dipasang.

3. Bilik ayor - keduanya belum disimbah klorox panas.

4. Belakang rumah - almari usang belum diroboh, pokok tumpang belum ditebas (suasana scary tahap dewata raya).

5. Bilik Dilapette - 30% kemas, perlu dikotakkan barangan junkie, aiyaa!!! banyak lagi yang belum maaa... masih buleh menukunkan lipas dan cicak... mak menti juga? hahaha...

6. Bilik Akupette - rak buku belum habis dikemaskini, perlu dikotakkan barangan junkie, baju perlu dilipat, perlukan pengubahsuaian maksimum.

7. Bilik Angahpette - baju-baju lama perlu dikotakkan (tidak kecukupan uang untuk membeli kotak-kotak tersebut, RM60 sebiji tuhhh), mainan anak kangkungs juga perlu dikotakkan, baju mak dan anak kangkungs perlu dilipat, towel mereka perlu dibasuh semula (berdebu ditinggalkan selama seminggu).

8. Ruang tamu - meja jajan sudah habuk free dan jajan baru sudah terisi, tikar mengkuang yang uzur perlu diganti, albums perlu dikotakkan, langsir perlu dibasuh.

9. Porch - lampu perlu diganti, longkang perlu digilap, port kucing kencing perlu disimbah clorox panas dan haruman.

10. Diri sendiri? - perlu mandi, the wicked toe nails perlu dipedicure dengan hati-hati supaya tidak luka (atau, dihospital aku akan tersadai), peluh perlu sentiasa dikeluarkan, diet ketat perlu dilaksanakan (tinggi sungguh gula tersebut selepas cuti-cuti Malaysia)... huhuhu...

kesimpulannya...

mampukah aku melaksanakan segala yang tersenarai tersebut dalam masa seminggu ini? baru buat 20% jek ni... kenapa perlu dikotakkan segala craps? kerana kami adik-beradik memang superbusy untuk kerja pembuangan habuk dan juga untuk mengelakkan anak kangkungs memunggah barangan kami... lagipun, mudah untuk pindah aperrr... in case, tuan rumah suruh pindah la kan... hahahaha....

lalalalala... mari la kita memerah lemak!

End of the Heavenly Clean Oxygen Trip

wahhh... sakit betul tulang belulang ni... lenguh sendi sana sini... rasa macam nak demam pun ada...

------------------------------------------------------

Yup! Semalam berakhir sudah jalan-jalan Malaysiaku selama seminggu. Dari Gombak ke Terengganu kemudian ke Mersing dan ke Melaka serta kembali semula ke Taman Saga. Satu pusingan yang lengkap. Mungkin minggu depan aku ke Utara sekali lagi, melawat opah di Kuala Kangsar. Mungkin. Sekiranya cukup ongkos, kuderat dan kekuatan.

Perjalanan seminggu yang sungguh mencabar dan menarik ini sayangnya tidak dapat dirakam di mana-mana lensa. Antara hendak dan perlu. Maka aku pilih perlu dan kehendak untuk membeli kamera diabaikan. Cuti-cuti Malaysia seorang pelajar dan pekerja sambilan lah katakan. Cukup-cukup sahaja. Cenderahati dari setiap negeri pun tiada kecuali sedikit keropok untuk ayahanda dan adik-adik serta sedikit barangan kenangan majlis di Terengganu. Antara hendak dan perlu.

TERENGGANU

Perjalanan dimulakan pada pukul 4.30 petang Khamis 28 Mei, sebaik sahaja Dila menamatkan waktu tugasnya. Kami berempat, aku, Dila, Arif dan Ayu meredah hujan ribut di Lebuhraya Karak sehingga ke Terengganu dengan berhati-hati. Hujan sangat lebat dan Arif memandu di keseluruhan perjalanan pergi. Singgah sebentar di Kemaman untuk makan malam di rumah Ayu pada jam 8.30 malam. Tomyam, sotong sambal, ikan kembung goreng, ulam dan sambal belacan. Pergghhh... semuanya mantap segar. Perjalanan kami disambung semula meredah hujan Pantai Timur pada jam 9.30 malam dan kami sampai di UMT pada pukul 1.30 pagi. Makcik chalet Anees menyambut kami dengan kurang ramah. Marah agaknya kami lewat sampai. Bukan sengaja kami mahu lambat. Kami tidak biasa dengan jalan Pantai Timur dan hujan lebat benar. Apa-apa aje la...

Program bermula pada hari Jumaat pagi. Forum yang sungguh ilmiah dan salah seorang panel ada sedikit melucukan. Tengahari Jumaat, kami melepak sahaja di chalet kami dan juga di banglo Abg Olin dan keluarga. Besar sungguh banglo tersebut. Hanya Abg Olin dan Abg Hafiz menyertai program petang di UMT. Kami di rumah mengecas bateri dan kemudiannya kelaparan tahap maksima... hahaha... Kami makan malam di restoran Giant Juice Seberang Takir. Akhirnya, tercapai juga hajat aku. Namun, malam itu aku terkedang terlebih gula. Lasttttt!

Sabtu, terlambat sedikit kami bersiap kerana kami berkemas untuk pindah ke banglo Abg Olin. Tapi kami sempat juga menghadiri majlis pembukaan konvokesyen. Fuhhh... nasib sempat. Kami hanya menghadiri konvo sesi pagi. Siti dan ibunya mengajak kami ke Pasar Payang tapi kami macam tak larat. Lagipun, tiada yang perlu. Takut pula nafsu hendak menguasai diri. Maka kami keluar makan tengahari bersama Hes, Awere, Adri dan Nurul di Teluk Ketapang. Ikhwan, anak ayahlang yang juga seorang ahli turut serta. Kami layan sotong, ikan pari, ikan kembong, udang, meehoon, cekodok, jeli kelapa dan air kelapa dengan ganas sekali. Kesilapan teknikal... hahaha... Hes dan Adri belanja kami... hahaha... Lewat petang kami berehat-rehat dan bersiap sedia untuk ke majlis makan malam perdana di Taman Tamadun Islam. Kami mendapat port baik untuk acara makan-makan dan posing-posing maut. Keseluruhan majlis berjalan dengan lancar kecuali kesengalan Menteri Besar Terengganu yang datang sungguh lewat dan balik sungguh awal sebelum tamatnya majlis. Rapik dan raban beliau memang sungguh membosankan. Selain dari itu, perjalanan majlis mantap. Ini adalah gambar kami di majlis tersebut yang dirakam oleh kamera Siti.


Ahad, kami memang sangat lewat ke dewan dan terlepas acara penyampaian kad setia dan pelancaran buku budaya. Gara-gara tapet dan sakit perut. Apabila sampai di dewan UMT, semua sedang berhenti makan tengahari dan kami pun melepak di dalam dewan sehingga bermulanya Mesyuarat Agung Tahunan pada jam 2.30. Mesyuarat kali ini berjalan dengan lancar, ringkas dan padat. Ketiadaan Guru Utama amat dirasai. Inilah Sambutan Perayaan yang "faham-faham" dan sedikit kurang ceria tanpa kehadiran beliau. Lewat petang sesudah berakhirnya mesyuarat, kami sekali lagi ke Teluk Ketapang bersama Hes, Awere, Abg Olin dan keluarga untuk santapan makan malam makhluk laut celup tepung, sekali lagi... hehehe... Pada malamnya kami berehat di banglo dengan perasaan saspen. Esok aku dan Dila akan memandu jauh. Arif dan Ayu sudah pulang ke Gombak dengan bas rombongan mereka.

MERSING

Isnin 1 Jun 2009, seawal 5.30 pagi kami sudah bersiap sedia untuk mengemas diri dan kereta. Sedikit teruja kerana kami tidak pernah melalui Pekan dan Rompin untuk ke Mersing. Aku memandu sepanjang perjalanan ke Mersing. Kami meninggalkan banglo pada jam 8.30 pagi. Abg Olin dan keluarga akan menuju ke Bukit Mertajam. Arah yang berlainan. Sebelum meninggalkan Kuala Terengganu, kami pusing-pusing di Kampung Losong membeli keropok untuk menyampaikan hajat ayah. Kemudian aku memandu dengan santai ke Kemaman. Kami berhenti di McDonalds Kerteh pada jam 11.15 pagi untuk berjumpa dengan Semah, kawan Dila, seorang peguam di sana. Kami juga berhenti membeli atau memborong keropok kering dan sata di Geliga, berdekatan rumah Ayu yang kami rasa terbukti kesedapannya (Ayu selalu beri kami keropok Kemaman). Kemudian perjalanan diteruskan dan setibanya kami di Pantai Balok, aku sms kawan peguam aku di Kuantan. Disebabkan kami tiba di Kuantan pada jam 2.30 petang dan aku sedikit cuak untuk melalui Pekan dan Rompin pada waktu yang sangat lewat, maka aku mohon "raincheck" dari beliau untuk minum-minum bersama di Kuantan. Aiyaaa... terlepas peluang aku berjumpa beliau setelah 10 tahun tidak ketemu dan juga peluang aku dibelanja oleh beliau di Tcjantek, restoran sahabat beliau... huhuhu...

Kami meneruskan perjalanan dan selalu ketawa terbahak-bahak dek kelakarnya nama-nama kampung dan tempat yang kami lalui. Dila sempat menulis nota Kajian Tempatan. Apa nak buat, kami tiada kamera. Segalanya terpahat segar di memori. Di Pekan kami sempat pusing-pusing di Istana Sultan mengagumi kedamaian kawasan tersebut. Rompin dan Endau, hutan yang sungguh indah, segalanya amat damai. Kami pasti akan melalui kawasan tersebut sekali lagi. Kali itu dengan sebuah kamera. Kami sampai di Mersing pada jam 6.15 petang dan makan malam di restoran Cina Muslim sementara menunggu Angah dan keluarga sampai dari Johor Bahru. Kedai itu memang mantap! Malam, kami tidur di Hotel Timotel, di tepi sungai Mersing. Sungguh bahagia, tiada hiruk pikuk suara anak kangkungs dan kami merehatkan diri dengan jayanya. Adik iparku mengendali kursus di hotel tersebut dan beliau yang belanja kami tidur hotel. Terima kasih Deghih (",)

Selasa, kami buat projek basuh baju di rumah Angah dari pagi sehingga petang. Lewat petang, kami makan goreng pisang dan getuk-getuk panas serta teh panas di Gerai Mak Anjang tepi pantai. Mengunyah pisang dan meneguk teh sambil menghayun kaki di pangkin memang sungguh mengasyikkan, ditambah pula bila bayu laut yang sejuk menjamah kulit. Pergh! Sepinggan licin kami kerjakan. Di kala ini hatiku meraung-raung menyatakan tidak mahu pulang ke Kuala Lumpur! Aduh. Ayah dan makcik sampai ke Mersing sebelum Maghrib. Malam itu kami makan malam di hotel dan sekali lagi tidur di hotel. Ayah dan makcik dapat tidur di Suite Rawa.

Rabu, seawal 7.30 pagi aku, Dila, ayah dan makcik menapak ke tepi sungai untuk bersarapan. Nasi lemak dan teh o ais buat aku. Kemudian kami berehat dan mengemas di bilik. 9.30 pagi, kami semua termasuk Angah menghantar ayah dan makcik ke jeti Mersing. Mereka akan bercuti-cuti Pulau Tioman sehingga Jumaat i.e. hari ini. Kemudian kami pekena soto (biasa ajek rasanya) di jeti kerana Angah dan keluarga belum sarapan. Kami kemudiannya rehat di bilik hotel sementara menunggu Deghih habis majlis. Tengahari, kami checkout dari hotel dan hantar Angah dan Adi ke rumah. Kemudian kami pusing-pusing bandar Mersing untuk urusan ITNM dan terus jalan-jalan ke Penyabong. Sempat singgah menepau pau Mersing yang sedap. RM1.30 untuk pau daging dan ayam yang masing-masing ada sebiji telur puyuh. Murahkan?

Penyabong memang menakjubkan. Sukar untuk menjelaskannya dengan kata-kata. Kampung nelayan yang sungguh damai, walaupun sedikit kurang bersih dek najis lembu yang bertaburan. Kami pulang semula ke rumah Angah dan petang selepas Asar kami dibawa Deghih ke Penyabong dan Pantai Pasir Lanun. Yup! Kali ini memang tiada kalimat yang lebih sempurna untuk menceritakan keindahan tempat tersebut. Lebih indah dari Pantai Air Papan. Aku sudah jatuh cinta!

Khamis, 4 Jun 2009. Perjalanan kami hampir berakhir. Aku sedikit sedih dan pilu. Hidup di kota realitinya tidak seindah khabar. Aku akan pulang semula ke kota materialis tersebut. Manusia rakus mencari kekayaan. Menambah yang hendak dan membazir-bazir dengan yang perlu. Tiada damai. Tiada sabar. Kurang ruang untuk kemanusiaan. Aku terpaksa pulang. Dunia ilmu menungguku di sana. Aku perlu harungi semua itu. Selepas ayah dan keluarga Deghih memulakan perjalanan mereka ke Terengganu, kami pula yang sibuk mengemas untuk pulang. 10 pagi, kami meninggalkan Mersing. Tiada ole-ole kerana saku kami sudah bertambah ketat. Anak kangkungs dan Angah masih meneruskan percutian sekolah yang damai di Mersing. Aku memandu sehingga ke Air Hitam.

Kami berhenti di Air Hitam untuk membeli sedikit jajan dan pisang salai. Aku sudah mula rasa sakit badan dan pandangan sedikit kabur. Dila meneruskan pemanduan sehingga ke Jasin. Kami berhenti di Kesang Jaya untuk menjenguk durian di belakang rumah. Tiada rezeki kami. Kemudian kami berehat sebentar di rumah Bayeed. 5.30 petang kami meneruskan perjalanan ke Kuala Lumpur tanpa berhenti di mana-mana walaupun sangat lapar. 8 malam kami sampai di Ampang dan membeli nasi lemak di gerai kawasan rumah dan akhirnya... tamatlah sebuah perjalanan yang panjang... alhamdulillah...

------------------------------------------------------

demikianlah berakhirnya sebuah kisah... pagi tadi aku menghadiri sesi perbincangan falsafah seperti biasa... sedikit ralat kerana majlis makan-makan menyambut hari kelahiran bai dibatalkan dek seorang yang tidak dapat hadir... pendapat aku, baik diteruskan sahaja untuk bai dan biarlah yang seorang itu dibuat acara lain sahaja... walaupun sangat keletihan, aku sebenarnya teruja untuk menyertai majlis ini kerana aku telah terlepas yang dibuat di rumah prof dahulu... hmm... ia hanya pendapat aku, pendapat yang terkumam tidak terdaya dilafazkan...

erkkk... hairan tak kerana entry aku kali ini sedikit blues dan jiwang bahasanya... aku sengaja mahu menggunakan Bahasa Melayu kemas... maka, macam terlebih kemas la pulak... hahaha...

okeh... till later... aku mahu tidur!

Hit the Road!

Yup! I'm hitting the road again today. I am having a Cuti-Cuti Malaysia trip to the East Coast, the South and the North. All in one week and a half. At first, I was really excited anticipating for the trip and having fun meeting members from all over Malaysia. However, at the moment, the excitement only partially exists after the recent tragic incidence in Bukit Mertajam. I'm still wondering who is that person who is much much evil than the devils themselves. Cruel indeed!

Our sudden trip to Bukit Mertajam last weekend was obviously not a trip without any hindrances. It was full with challenges and enigmatic occurrences. Let me not narrate them in details for it would always trigger the goosebumps in me. I just had to not attend the party at Prof's place due to my unwell condition. At the moment, my body is still aching from the encounter. I really hope that it would not retard my journey to the East Coast.

Anyway, let's pray for the health of my beloved Guru and for my safe journey. May Allah protect us from the snaring eyes of the devils and give us enough strength to face His tests. Amin.

Apakah?

Apabila yang dikasihi bertarung nafas...

Apabila yang dekat terasa amat jauh...

Apabila yang diingati menyapa mesra...

Apabila yang disayangi menyepi diri...


Segala berlaku dalam satu masa.
Apakah perkataan yang amat sesuai untuk menggambarkan perasaan tersebut?

Hmmm...

From Hitarek.Net

Mode Bahasa Melayu

Dikesibukan bercuti ni, selain dari menggunakan Bahasa Inggeris pada hari Jumaat pagi, aku lebih selesa berbahasa ibunda. Cuti la katakan... hehehe...

Aku di rumah, seorang. Angah pergi ke maktabah, Dilapette pergi mengajar anak-anak orang kaya, anak-anak kangkung pergi ke nursery (bukan untuk tumbuh-tumbuhan, tapi untuk kanak-kanak). Aku di rumah, seorang.

Jam 1 tengahari. Lambakan baju t-shirt busuk baru habis pening kena spin. Lantai masih belum bersapu. Baju tiga hari lepas masih menggunung belum dilipat. Perut masih kenyang dek pekena tiga keping Haiwaian chicken sejuk baki makan malam semalam. Buku-buku masih meraung-raung minta dikemas dan dibaca. Bilik Dila? Yup. Masih horror tahap dewata raya. Aku ingat kalau tikus dan lipas nak masuk pun mau patah keluar semula tahap tak sanggup layan ke-horror-an bilik tersebut. Dapur masih belum digilap. Kipas masih belum digilap. Tandas masih belum digilap juga.

Aku di rumah, seorang. Dari pagi layan Facebook. Dari pagi mengemaskini lappy BenQ. Dari pagi layan baca blog-blog kacip bloggers Lipis. Mantap betul penulisan kutu-kutu tersebut. Tup tup sudah pukul 1 tengahari. Kerja sendiri tak siap. Kerja orang pun tak siap. Mandi pun belum. Tahap bau bango cipan mati. Aku di rumah. Seorang.

Once Upon A Time

Do you still remember the time when we could buy nasi lemak, sirap and jajan only for 30 sen?

Do you still remember the time when we could play around the kampong area without fear of being kidnapped?

Do you still remember the time when we could trust others to look after our bags when we went to the toilet at Puduraya?

Do you still remember the time when a stranger sat next to you would share their lunch with you?

Do you still remember the time when cars slowed down whenever they saw somebody was about to cross a road?

Do you still remember those times?

Yeah... I really miss Malaysia in its olden days.

Sampai Hati

Orang bercinta... dikatakan tidak walaupun iya...
Orang bercinta... tersenyum seorang di kala sunyi...
Orang bercinta... dinihari serasakan di awal malam...
Orang bercinta... sakit pening segala digagahi...
Orang bercinta... katanya kurang diam di alam sendiri...
Orang bercinta... segalanya "baiklah" hanya untuk si dia...
Orang bercinta... memang sukar budi pekerti bicara...

Namun,

pabila nikmat sudah dihambur di depan mata...
kemudian diambil tanpa ingatan buat si belakang...
kemudian terlupa dek sibuknya urusan dunia...

pasti membuat satu badan berangin
segala pintu mau ditendang
muncung panjang hajat tak sampai

Sangat Sangat Sangat KEJAM!

Syubhah...

The trip to TGI Friday on previous Friday was cancelled. Lega...

Anyway, I'm here to wish every mother out there a "Happy Mother's Day!"

Mothers are not to be cherished only on this particular day.
They are to be cherished every single moment and every single day.
A lifelong duty for us, the children.

i hate them!!!

i was so eager to narrate about my trip to KLCC yesterday immediately after reaching home... however, i was too lethargic... my ankles were aching so much and i felt asleep...

so, today, i'm gonna share this experience... a note of caution, the title has nothing to do with my yesterday's trip...

i had to take public transportation to KLCC because my superbusy sister was using the car... at the moment i don't have a car... i'm a goner... very poor indeed... MANIOBI was sent back to Melaka because i just could not afford to feed him and the fact that my aching feet do not allow me to drive a manual car anymore... those sharp sudden stabbings really make it dangerous for me to go on a manual... and i have no choice but to borrow my sister's car from time to time when i need to go somewhere urgently...

as yesterday's trip to KLCC was not considered urgent by my sister, i just had to find any means to go there... the trip was urgent and important for me because it has been years, the last was 1994, since i last met my very dear school mate, Kak Yan... though i felt a bit frustrated with my sister's attitude, i just followed my instinct and determined to meet my friend at KLCC... i asked Angah to send me to Cempaka lrt station... Angah could send me to KLCC itself but i didn't want to trouble that preggie momma...

there it started, i rode the lrt from Cempaka to Masjid Jamek and was a bit panicked when i didn't see the lrt from Masjid Jamek to KLCC... i called my bro and he told me that the lrt to KLCC is the one underground... now i know the difference between Putra and Star... Putra is the one underground and Star is the one on top... it is amusing to see most passengers were really engrossed with their handphones... it seems that everybody is in his/her own world and nothing else matters on this world... thank you to technology for creating these monsters... a very scary observation indeed...

i arrived at KLCC one and a half hour early than the meeting time... i just wanted to avoid the crowded trains during peak hours... as soon as i entered KLCC premises, i felt as if the building was shaken... oh dear... was it really happening? was KLCC going to collapse? then i felt a bit of acidic pain in my tummy... ouh... perhaps this was the signs of hypo... i had a very humble breakfast and did not have my lunch yet... it was 4.45 pm... i went to the food court and the shaking feeling became worst... i just had to hurry and then bought my self some bagels... all the non-sweet ones... ahhh... alhamdulillah... the shaking stopped... well, KLCC is still standing proudly... yeah.. very proud to bear all the sicklies in the world...

while munching my bagels (the expensive retarded mixture of flour) at the foodcourt... i observed my surroundings... since it was not the time for those corporate slaves to clock out, there were many teenagers around the area... perhaps they were waiting for the Wolverine show... anyhow, what disturbed my sight was the way they showed affections towards their opposite sexes... owh dear... i thought i was in KLCC, Kuala Lumpur, MALAYSIA! oppsss... i really was in KLCC and these daring displays are those of the Malay teenagers in my own country... i'd rather be in one of those malls in Chch NZ...

i felt sick and found my peace at the Gallery... spending a quiet time, alone, disgesting those arts... these are real... a peaceful reality... outside, those are real too... a disturbing reality... i guess it is my fault for not frequently getting out of my cave... the real world is frightening indeed and i don't want to die amidst the frightening confusions and disillusions...

after spending quite some time at the gallery, i went to Kino... i just had to get out from that book store a.s.a.p. because the temptation to buy books was killing me... i just had 50 bucks in my pocket and i already spent 8 bucks for those bagels... ouch!

as i was sitting and jotting notes on my small notebook, my friend called and she already arrived... half an hour early... yeaaayy! gone all those boredom and sickly sights... she wanted to treat me at sushi king but being me, i said i'd prefer the claypot noodle... wow! my friend is getting prettier and she doesn't seem like a mother to three... we exchanged stories and talked and talked and talked... an excellent meeting indeed... though my feet had started to dysfunction, the stabbing numbness was so overpowering... well, i did not regret all the troubles that i had to endure for the trip...

around 9 pm... together, we took the lrt back to Masjid Jamek... ouh... she is such a kind lady... without me knowing, she bought some pretzels for me to take home... terharu la beb... at Masjid Jamek, she took her train back to Hotel Quality (she's from Setiawan and is having a one week course at that hotel) and me myself took my train back to Cempaka... i was so lucky because people gave me a seat... alhamdulillah... there are still thoughtful Malaysians... not that i'm pregnant but maybe they thought that i looked a bit pale and sickly... my feet were really killing me... until now, the moment i'm typing all these... ouch!

at Cempaka, i thought i wanted to make it real and take a cab home... but, there was none... maybe i was at the other side of the station... i really felt wobbly and almost fainted... i had no choice and called my sisters to pick me up... i sensed that "macam takde keikhlasan ajek" when they picked me up... yeah! i always fail to properly play my role as a good along... i am spoilt... the scum of the earth... yada yada yada... erk... i've gone off-path...

coming back to my narration, those are my yesterday's experience... previously, managed to walk from Kotaraya to the Mall... yeah... from Kotaraya to the Mall okay! now, i hardly can walk from one lrt to another... i am getting old, sickly and perhaps dying...

enough...

today... i woke up very late... my body is aching all over... my head is still dizzy... and my mind is worrying about few things... those things are inter-related with my topic "i hate them!!!"... oh how i really hate them... tomorrow, i have my morning philosophy session and in the evening, i have a party at TGI Friday... with my sickly condition, i might not go to TGI Friday... i don't want to trouble anybody just for the sake of me wanting to socialising with friends at such dining place fit for the burgeuos... erkkk... did i spell that correctly?

okie tokie... off for now... and i still hate them so much!!!

Of Thick Phlegm and Foul Puss

I am suppose to spend my holidays quietly. However, this unbearable silence has provoked my mind to wander and ponder. Where? To the realm of Truth? Not yet. If I were to measure it correctly, I am still far away. Have I been there? Have I tasted the sweetness? Or the worst... have I gone astray? Indeed, to walk as a shadow is not a simplistic matter. The form is to be sought and the most important question is "what kind of form?"

There can be many ways to find the right form. Some contemplate in caves. Some travel to far away lands. Some resort to books. Some are involved in charity. Whatever it is the underlying action word is "effort". All start with efforts. Without, one's shadow will remain form-less, life-less and aim-less.

Well... these are just preambles. I have more worrying issue at hand. As I have personally observed, it has become contagious in the society I'm living in generally, and the space that I'm breathing in specifically. Ouh! What is it? Yeah... the subject matter is "calculative behaviour".

The world that we are living in has changed from its very form of selflessness to the form of selfishness, if these words arbitrarily exist. The world is indeed a constructed reality. Who construct this reality? Yeah... the who refers to us. The occupants of the world. It bugs me to see those who are close to me pay due importance on materials than the sense of humanity itself. One is judged as useless if one does not work with somebody i.e. "makan gaji". One is a trouble maker if one seeks financial assistance from his/her closest family members. One is labelled as the scum of the earth if one has not found his/her marriage partner at the age of 30 and above. Why must everything must be measured at the physical level? Is it not substance that we need to highlight in living this temporary world.

Well... my thoughts here might be a clouded one as I am not sure of what I'm thinking at the moment. There are too many things that are bugging me about my reality of life. All the external and internal factors have become contributive for me to be in this kind of thinking mode. I am yet to reorganise my mind and my outlook towards my surrounding.

I have to have more patience. I have to. I just have to.

Insan mulia yang tidak pernah berkira...
Semoga Allah mencucuri Rahman dan RahimNya buat beliau...
Al-Fatihah

Gratitude

Alhamdulillah... the worst is over.

Done with the final exams. Done with the assignments. Done with the academic nitty gritties. Now, I'm finishing my translation tasks and figuring out how should I spend May and June in fun and productive ways. Hmmm... how ya?

thinking... planning... contemplating...

where should i bring these wicked swollen feet?

It's Not Over, Yet

the never ending episodes of mind explosions...





argghhhh!!!

head on collision!

Exam Week!

Yup!

It is the exam week.
The summative evaluation time.
The credential-oriented time.




Yup!

All the best to you and you and you and you
and all the rest of you out there who are taking final exams!

Iurghhh... how I distaste this kind of assessment!

Sosak Napas Den...

Wohooo!

It is the time of the year when it suddenly is difficult to breathe. It is the time of the year when this puny brain is mashed like my favourite mash potate. It is the time of the year when regrets seem to have no value at all. It is the time of the year when any thing can go wrong at any unexpected point of time. Yup! This is the time.

I just came back from delivering a two-hour talk on instructional technology and PowerPoint techniques. An IT guru heh? Nope. Just sharing what Pak Aziz, Dr Tunku and Dr Kamal taught me in-class. Can't help mentioning their names in my talk. Really appreciate them for the knowledge they have shared with me. Erk... had to mentioned Prof Yed too on how he manages a three-hour class without using any technology yet the three hours passes like only half an hour. Amazing huh?

Oh ya! Who were my audience? They are Statisticians in Jabatan Perangkaan Malaysia, Putrajaya. Though I drove only a small busuk VIVA, as a trainer for those trainers, the honorable speaker has a special parking space infront of the main entrance under a huge wide shady ceiling. Perghhh... A VIP treatment indeed! Hahaha... this I really like but the vadee for tea... hmmm... I delivered the same topic like last year's using the same PowerPoint slides. Hahaha... Too busy with assignments and I don't have ample time to improve the slides. Anyway, I added many others like something on Applets and YouTube. Yeah right! Most of them haven't heard about YouTube. They are yet to become adopters or just plain laggards?

Done with this session. Lega. Tomorrow, I have a presentation for Dr Sidek's class. It is our revision day ok! But, we have to have a class because Cikgu is a busy man and we have postponed many classes. To put the terrible presentation aside, it is actually good to get together and do some last minute revision together as a class. Thurs, should complete all the markings for my APIUM students. Friday, should submit Dr Tunku's review and mid-term, hopefully. Then on the 8th and 9th... the final exam days. In a row. Dang! Term paper to be submitted on the 9th too. Then Dr Tunku's proposal. Then the translations. Then the God-knows-what...

Now, tell me. What is the right way to inhale and exhale air into my lungs?

Reality vs Fantasy

Too much of sleep.

Now, it seems difficult to differentiate.
Between the real and the unreal.

The experience is surreal to a certain extent.



Wake up! Smell the coffee!

ajuk ah cannih...

ajuk ah cannih...

sejak hari Khamis

ajuk ah cannih...

sudah tua barangkali

ajuk ah cannih...

ingin mendapatkan perhatian?

ajuk ah cannih...

dah tak sayang o lagi

ajuk ah cannih...

hek eleh berapa lama nak majuk daaa

ajuk ah cannih... ajuk ah cannih... ajuk ah cannih...

nak ajuk jugak!!!!

lalalalalala...

balderdash!

THERE

ARE

THINGS

THAT

SHOULD

REMAIN

UNSAID

Let them be inside...

Let them be between Him and me...

Just

Let them be...

The pains are all mine!

Mine only!

of another...

received another death news today... of someone who was young and dear to me in a uniquely special way... a brother... a partner on my way to lumut when i was miserably alone... yup, during those days in penang... may his soul be blessed by Him... al-fatihah..

---------------------------------------------------------------

My life was not so hectic previous weekdays. However, towards the end of the week, it was when my life became merry and obviously my health was at stake.

I went back to Melaka on Friday with Dila right after lunch at bamboo. Dila got her permission to take a half day off. She deserved it with the frequent hardworking and over zealous work habits on Saturday and sometimes on Sunday too. After that long hours of driving (due to the rain and the muching of donuts) we arrived home at around 5 pm. A rainy day in Jasin too. Dila was "paksarela" to fill in the KPLI and DPLI forms. Thus, it was the main purpose of going home to certify her cert copies. I had the intention to go to Melaka Raya and make a new pair of glasses. Too bad, my pocket didn't permit it and was too shy to ask from ayah or makcik. Talking about ego huh...

We planned to be back to KL the next day. Yet, after the morning rendevzous in Masjid Tanah, we felt very tired and changed the plan. In addition, we overheard that ayah wanted to celebrate Bayeed's birthday at Medan Bakar Terapung that Saturday night. We obviously didn't want to miss it... hahaha... Plus another factor, Angah called and told us that the whole family would spend the night on Cameron Highlands. This was an impromptu plan. Wow! Best gilos adingdong the anak kangkungs. So we see no point of getting back to KL early. Even Hes told us not to worry so much about the reunion party. Yup, we then bought our time and saviour it... hehehe...

Yup! We had a scrumptious early dinner. I ate like 3 packs of nasi lemak. No pics. I'm afraid that someone in Bangalore would be so jealous and then would cry endlessly to immediately return back to Malaysia... hahahah...

After the doses of those sugar and cholestrol laden food, we got flat just when we reached home. We planned to drive out of Melaka at 5 am but we didn't, as usual. Ayah caught us up at 3.30 am and scolded us to go back to sleep. That was the reason of why 5 am was not carried out as planned.

Sunday, 10.30 am (after a detour to Dila's school and Taman Melawati) we arrived at Hes'. I was shaken by hunger and immediately devoured the nasi lemak that Dila bought. The reunion party or gathering was awesome. Imagine of last seeing your friends like the last was in 1992. Great! Only eight could make it and they brought their family together. Me too. I brought Dila to help Hes in the kitchen... hahaha... Updates, gossips and memories were exchanged. Looking back at them, I am truly grateful to be able to hug them again after all those years. These are the people who were there when I was in my lowest and in my utmost self during those school days. These are the people who have helped me to be what I am now. The ones who have accompanied me throughout my teen years. The crucial years of identity and character shaping. I owed them alot. The unrepaid debt. Only able to pray for their good and blessed life with their beloved ones (",)

Erk... got a bit melancholic up there... hehehe... Anyway, after the over consumption of those delectables, today, most of hours are spent on this ugly bed. Haven't touch any of the assignments, especially the one due on Wednesday, Pak Aziz's instructional objectives. Bad huh?

Tomorrow, will have to meet a bloodsucking vampire in Hospital Ampang. It should be very early in the morning because I am fasting now up till tomorrow. Surely by 7 am, I'll feel jittery, hungry and angry if not fed. Then, am going to accompany Cik Bedah to KLCC. She really wants to be engrossed with the paintings at Petronas Gallery. Erk... I would rather sleep at home actually... hahaha... Yeah! There goes that heavy asses again! Muahahah...

Okie tokie, am trying to force my self to think and complete, at least, the due-soon-Pak Aziz's assignment. My eyes are getting sleepy again. I think there's something wrong with my sleeping nerves. Seriously.

On Emancipation?

Before pouring my thoughts on the subject matter of emancipation, I just want to release my anger here.

Dang biatch! Harap muka aje macam cantik, tapi pengotor nak mamps... Bodoh! Tak berhati perut punya manusia! *@#$#*%@#!*@%**&!

Sekian. Terima kasih.

My flow of thoughts are so disturbed. Not in the mood anymore. I have to emancipate myself from this cruel unthoughtful yucky situation. Will resume later. What a mood spoiler!!!

Hitarek.net

Life's An Adventure...

I did this on Sunday the 15th. Eating like there is no tomorrow.





I felt this on both the following Monday and Tuesday.
Vegetating and feeding on drugs... zombie-like-state...



This happened to me on Wednesday and Thursday.
Bloating and floating with gasses. Blurry days...



Friday, the remaining. Slightly better than the previous days.

Saturday, I drove my sisters and the kids here. Breathing in the fresh Melaka air. Blood returned to my pale sickly complexion. Happy. Grateful.



I climbed up till Kolam Puteri Gunung Ledang on Sunday.
Wow! I have proven to myself that I am not sickly and obviously not old. Hurrayyyy!
Take note of my pink of health.
The blushed rosy cheeks and the sweats.
Double happiness.



But... on Monday and Tuesday, I experienced this again...
Flatulence. Feverish. Muscle aches. So on and so forth...

Too bad huh? What a nice adventure... hehehehe...

Busuk

Alas! The pearls dropped down. The sadness is unbearable. I am no longer machess.

Let me first recap our Friday morning conversation with Prof on the subject matter of empowerment. Brother Mas'ud posed a question, "What is needed to become a person with empowerment?". Prof said, "Empowerment is you don't feel that you are the dirt of the earth . In reference to the notions of Al-Rahman, Al-Rahim and Lailahaillallah, each one of us has a spiritual significance." Yup! I realise this, always. Yet sometimes the environment that I am living in, the people that I am associating with, and the socially constructed reality that I am confronted with make me feel I am at the bottom. The "busuk". Kinda lack of self-confidence and a very poor self-esteem.

Anyway, I will always justify these feelings by relating to my efforts to become a humble being on this earth. On the surface, people might take me as a jolly happy-go-lucky person who seems to lead a happy (aimless?) life. Beneath, the struggle within is enormous and to know self and to know the ultimate aim of life is not something easy. It demands sacrifice and lots of pains.

A person scoffed and laughed at me when I said that I don't have a credit card. A lawyer he is, he doesn't believe that at my age I don't possess any. I told him that I am a poor student and even my study is partially sponsored by my parents. Plus, I don't see any reasons why should I use one when the most important for me at the moment is to try living without any debt. Obviously, death is an unexpected visitor. My time might come today as I am driving home or even tomorrow. I don't want to impose my burden of debts upon the ones I love. It will be unfair for them. Coming back to this person whom I just got to know only from a single communication over the phone, he assumed that my parents are rich. Even if they are, who am I at this age to put extra burden on them. This is the time when it is me who is supposed to take care of them. My encounter with this person has some how enhanced my "busukness" feelings though I know that I should just ignore his thoughtless remarks. He had somehow pulled me down, making me feel wealth matters so much.

Another scene, someone who asked me to help her with her translation works called me few days ago. I wrote about this qualm in my previous entry. Though, she said that she was just calling to ask for my well-being, I smelled that it was actually more about the well-being of her papers. Despite of my poor health, my inefficiency in translating the papers is also due to my being sceptical of the whole matter. She interrogated me (it did sound like that) and never did mention about any particulars on the payment. It is not that I do things because of money. People who know me well will understand my working attitude. I look forward to help. However, sometimes, when my professional contribution is not justly acknowledged, I would get the "busuk" feelings that I mentioned above. To add, she also seemed difficult to accept that I don't have any secured permanent job. Huh? Why is it it is so difficult with some people to accept the reality of life. Why is it difficult for them to accept the reality of my life is constructed on "freedom" which I have defined it towards a more noble objective in life? Nevertheless, she succeeded in making me feel more "busuk" than ever.

To depart from the two scenes above, the point is, it is not easy to become an empowered person. When you feel that you have strength in you, meeting people like these may deplete your sense of empowerment. These are people who are not close to you. How about of those who are near to you and yet they make you feel inadequate without realising it? This is even worse. These people are close to you and sometimes you have no other choice except to accept things as it is, to follow the flow, with the thought that you don't want to jeopardise your relationship with them. Inside, it bites you like fire eating piles of woods. A very excruciating pain. You want to run away yet you can't because they are so close besides you.

I don't want to explain further. Let my thoughts hang here. But this is the reason of why I couldn't stop my tears from falling down. It has nothing to do with jealousy. It has nothing to do with questioning fairness. It has nothing to do with patriotism. It just feels that way. Out of nowhere. I think I should stop this ramble and buy myself a good flask of coffee. Hope I have enough in my purse...

Rasa Nak Nangis...

ntah... tiba-tiba rasa macam nak nangis...

A Grumpy Old Maid!

My tears cannot stop pouring. Out of hunger at most.

Everything is wrong today. As if everything is against me. I woke up early to do my laundry as early as 5 a.m. While waiting, I tried to get hooked on to the net but the GPRS connection made me impatient. I accidentally slept after half an hour and woke up at the smell of fried fish from the kitchen. That already made me a bit jittery and angry. The washing machine is next to the stove and my clothes would get smelly. I was already angry at my sister/s for not waking me up before frying those keropok lekor. Luckily the smell did not penetrate the machine and seep into the fabrics. Luckily it was not the real fish, else, things would get even worse. I went out to hang my clothes. Happy with the sun and the strong wind. No longer that angry.

Keropok lekor in the morning would never satisfy my tummy. My hands were still shaking for real food. A fussy diabetic. We tried to wake my brother [hmmm...] up from his slumber but he only was up and about after three hours from this first event. Ayah asked him to get something real for breakfast. I was really hungry and went to bed in the hope that when I woke up the hunger would go away. But, it didn’t go away. I was even hungrier and angrier.

I managed to get a bit of sleep where in the midst I woke up with another smell. The smell of smoke from outside. My anger was greatly enhanced. Somebody put fire on their piles of garbage and the smoke was everywhere surrounding the house. My clothes! I dashed to the kitchen and almost screaming I scolded the one who did that, in which I didn’t know who. My sisters were panicking observing my early morning tantrums. Dila tried to soothe me by saying, “ Ala Long biasa la tuh... orang kampong.” I barked at her and said, “Orang kampong la yang patutnya lebih prihatin, lebih faham konsep kejiranan! Bakar la sampah waktu petang lepas orang angkat baju, dah jadi bodoh ke apa semua orang kat dunia ni! Benda basic pun tak mau ingat lagi nak kecoh pasal isu Gaza la, isu rebut kuasa la! Stupid!” Yeah... basically that was the line [with a bit of exaggeration]. Yeah, I am a bit fussy about smelly clothes. My sister always told me that I got smelly and stinky at the end of the day. Now, how could I wear a smelly dress in the morning? Imagine how smelly and stinky I would become at the end of the day. Fullstop.

It is now 12 noon. I got all mad again. With my enhanced hunger, with my brother [who only is nice towards his girlfriend and no longer towards me], with my neighbour who made my clothes smelly, with my sisters who escaped themselves by going for sightseeing somewhere at Masjid Tanah [they always choose to ignore me whenever], with my another neighbour who is making noise with his grass cutter machine from morning up until now, with the slow internet connection, and the most is with MY OWN SELF for not being able to keep my sanity intact and be virtuously patient.

Fuhhh! This is hard man!