Busuk

Alas! The pearls dropped down. The sadness is unbearable. I am no longer machess.

Let me first recap our Friday morning conversation with Prof on the subject matter of empowerment. Brother Mas'ud posed a question, "What is needed to become a person with empowerment?". Prof said, "Empowerment is you don't feel that you are the dirt of the earth . In reference to the notions of Al-Rahman, Al-Rahim and Lailahaillallah, each one of us has a spiritual significance." Yup! I realise this, always. Yet sometimes the environment that I am living in, the people that I am associating with, and the socially constructed reality that I am confronted with make me feel I am at the bottom. The "busuk". Kinda lack of self-confidence and a very poor self-esteem.

Anyway, I will always justify these feelings by relating to my efforts to become a humble being on this earth. On the surface, people might take me as a jolly happy-go-lucky person who seems to lead a happy (aimless?) life. Beneath, the struggle within is enormous and to know self and to know the ultimate aim of life is not something easy. It demands sacrifice and lots of pains.

A person scoffed and laughed at me when I said that I don't have a credit card. A lawyer he is, he doesn't believe that at my age I don't possess any. I told him that I am a poor student and even my study is partially sponsored by my parents. Plus, I don't see any reasons why should I use one when the most important for me at the moment is to try living without any debt. Obviously, death is an unexpected visitor. My time might come today as I am driving home or even tomorrow. I don't want to impose my burden of debts upon the ones I love. It will be unfair for them. Coming back to this person whom I just got to know only from a single communication over the phone, he assumed that my parents are rich. Even if they are, who am I at this age to put extra burden on them. This is the time when it is me who is supposed to take care of them. My encounter with this person has some how enhanced my "busukness" feelings though I know that I should just ignore his thoughtless remarks. He had somehow pulled me down, making me feel wealth matters so much.

Another scene, someone who asked me to help her with her translation works called me few days ago. I wrote about this qualm in my previous entry. Though, she said that she was just calling to ask for my well-being, I smelled that it was actually more about the well-being of her papers. Despite of my poor health, my inefficiency in translating the papers is also due to my being sceptical of the whole matter. She interrogated me (it did sound like that) and never did mention about any particulars on the payment. It is not that I do things because of money. People who know me well will understand my working attitude. I look forward to help. However, sometimes, when my professional contribution is not justly acknowledged, I would get the "busuk" feelings that I mentioned above. To add, she also seemed difficult to accept that I don't have any secured permanent job. Huh? Why is it it is so difficult with some people to accept the reality of life. Why is it difficult for them to accept the reality of my life is constructed on "freedom" which I have defined it towards a more noble objective in life? Nevertheless, she succeeded in making me feel more "busuk" than ever.

To depart from the two scenes above, the point is, it is not easy to become an empowered person. When you feel that you have strength in you, meeting people like these may deplete your sense of empowerment. These are people who are not close to you. How about of those who are near to you and yet they make you feel inadequate without realising it? This is even worse. These people are close to you and sometimes you have no other choice except to accept things as it is, to follow the flow, with the thought that you don't want to jeopardise your relationship with them. Inside, it bites you like fire eating piles of woods. A very excruciating pain. You want to run away yet you can't because they are so close besides you.

I don't want to explain further. Let my thoughts hang here. But this is the reason of why I couldn't stop my tears from falling down. It has nothing to do with jealousy. It has nothing to do with questioning fairness. It has nothing to do with patriotism. It just feels that way. Out of nowhere. I think I should stop this ramble and buy myself a good flask of coffee. Hope I have enough in my purse...