bummer!

sepatutnya sekarang aku sedang bersosial dengan members di cheras tetapi bladder aku ada problem dan aku rasa kurang selesa untuk bersosial... aku dah dapat dah result urine test... memang ada complications tapi kena buat beberapa follow-up dengan pakar gynea plak... buhsan sehhh... tu yang aku malas nak ke spital tuh... macam-macam benda yang aku tak mahu tahu tapi aku terpaksa discover... sungguh membuatkan aku bertambah rasa tunsi... insomnia pulak menjadi-jadi... aku ingat nak telan pil tidur ajek setiap malam supaya otak aku ni pegun semasa dia sepatutnya rehat... tapi aku tak mahu jadi minah pit... erk... scary...

boring... boring... aku tau time ni mesti adik aku, zura dan members lain sedang best bersembang serta makan-makan... kak su dan suaminya buat majlis a'qiqah baby baru mereka... ramai ajk pusat dan oldtie lain yang pasti ada... bestnya.... dah lama sangat dah aku tak duduk mendengar sembang berisi dari ustaz dan members yang lain... nak buat camno... bukan rezeki aku malam ini... sayang... tak dapat aku memenuhi jemputan kak su dan keluarga... nasib baik ada si dila... boleh kira wakil aaa... hmmm... sungguh busan bila aku ada peluang bersosial tapi aku tak dapat nak turut serta... blewp... sabar mummy... sabar...

malam semalam semasa aku tak dapat tidur aku telah berjaya menghidupkan semula daya kreativiti aku... first time aku rasa aku berjaya buat sketch gambar orang... aku try test lukis gambar vanness... petang tadi aku tunjuk kat adik-adik aku... hampeh... diaorang gelakkan sketch aku tuh... hampeh... takde motivational support langsung... tapi aku akui... memang sketch aku tu nampak kelakar amat... hahaha... tapi aku akan cuba lagi di lain masa...

okie dokie... malam ni aku ingat nak layan tv sekejap... beberapa malam ni aku hanya dok terperap ajek dalam bilik mengusha meteor garden ii... siri kedua ni bagi aku kurang menarik sangat jalan cerita dia tapi aku tak kesah sangat sebab ada banyak shots menarik dan touching... in fact bebudak berempat tu pun nampak makin shomel dan ayu... hahaha... rambut makin cantik tuh... hahaha... kalau setakat minat nak tengok muka bebudak tu aku ingat boleh la kalau nak layan citer ni abis-abisan... hehehe... nak pinjam? hahaha... beli sendrik... aku sampai korek sen dalam tabung tuh nak beli jugak-jugak siri kedua ni... mahal nak mampos... 31 vcd = RM200... aku ingat kalau beli kat kotaraya boleh dapat murah sket kot... tapi tu la... aku yang tak menyabor... maka mencanak aku terpaksa buat loan daripada chetty halal yang duduk kat jaybee tuh... memula chetty tuh marah gak aaa aku nak pinjam duit for the sake of buying cds tapi dia bagi jugak jugak sebab dia pun nak layan tengok bila dia balik melaka next week... hahaha... thank you dear... nanti bila along dah makcik kayo along bayar balik ek... tengok la dalam tahun depan ke... tahun lusa ke... tahun tulat ke... hehehe...

ish la... termembebel panjang la pulak... sebelum aku menggostankan diri dari pentas electronic ni... aku nak paste satu puisi merapu yang aku tulis semasa aku tengah gila tensi sebab tak boleh tidur... ever wonder kenapa aku jadi insomnia? ini la pasal... otak aku terlalu aktif pikir yang bukan-bukan... imaginasi terlalu liar... kreativiti keterlaluan... aku ingat kalau aku ni talented macam william shakespeare... sure dah banyak plays atau poems yang boleh aku publish... ke tak pun... bila time aku dapat pejamkan mata tu biar aku blasah tido sampai 15 jam... haaa... untung-untung boleh jadik macam albert einstein sket... perghhh... best jugak tuh... hahaha... sewel... sewel... aku dah sewel... hahaha... ni nampak gayanya kena lebih perbanyakkan baca surah al-mulk ni... hmmm...

when i close my eyes...

when i close my eyes...
darkness falls... yet in a distance there are some faint movements... dark figures are dancing wildly... laughing... screaming...

when i close my eyes...
millions of sharp needles are poking my every skin... entering my interior... penetrating the deepest... the heart... the lungs... i bleed... yet... i can still inhale the suffocating air...

when i close my eyes...
an abandoned path appears in a blinding sunlight... to be ventured? but hey! in a split second everything is in grey... am i lost? am i tricked? am i alone? who? what? is there somebody or something awaits me here? help! help! slowly... my sight is blurred... a glimpse of beautiful fairies are gracefully dancing towards me... before i close my eyes... and...

when i close my eyes...
powerpoint screen is projecting my past slides in a constant motion... the spirits... the zests... the laughters... the tears... as if to convince the audience that those are worth to be shown... worth to be remembered...

when i close my eyes...
faces and gestures of those people i know... mocking... scornful smiles... sympathetic... but... none offers big warm hugs... none offers their shoulders... do i really need those? i can survive, can't i? a pitiful sight...

when i close my eyes...
oh... me on a street picking up coins dropped by strangers... my tummy is grumbling hungrily... my clothes are rags... my limbs are weak... unable to walk... dragging this filthy form to find... to be... to live...

when i close my eyes...
monsters are wailing... i can't breathe... they are everywhere... trying to smack their paws on my face... to pull me into the other dimension... their dimension... an abyss... full of fat juicy worms... full of blazing fire...

when i close my eyes...
papers and books are laughing at me... "hahaha", they say... "you foolish brat! why us? what's your intention? what's your purpose? are you a freak? have you nothing better to do in your life?", they scream and laugh... the echoes bounce back... smashing the skull like it has been blown by a heavy hammer... it hurts... it terribly hurts... "c'mon! are you sure? are you damn sure? how sure are you? do you think you can fool us? hahahahahaha...", there they go again... leaving me writhing in pain... leaving me writhing in anger... leaving me writhing in madness... total confusion...

when i close my eyes...
oh... my mom's face... my dad's face... ageing... without smile... without any happiness... without any sense of relief... without anything... nil...

when i close my eyes...
my life here... my life there... like a ping-pong ball... here... there... everywhere...

when i close my eyes...
technology knocks... should i? shouldn't i?

arrrggggghhhhh...
bugger!
tido la mummy tido!
hari dah nak siang ni!
sleep! sleep! sleep!


nukilan pada tarikh 22/5/03 jam 6.30 pagi