Nobody's online tonite... sob... sob... A very lonely weekend together only with myself... as usual... nobody to chat with and no call from home... I woke up late and Siti had already gone to work... she is having an over-time until 1 a.m.... So, I spent the whole day watching tv and lying on my back on the green couch doing extra nothing... I cooked fried rice kampong style and finished it all alone... I don't think Siti would want to eat it if she came back that late... even the time when she came back at 9, bed was always her first target and zzzzzz.... I wonder what kind of drives that she has and motivate her to work 24/7... I wish I have it too...

Well... wonder why I didn't do any work today? Nope... it was not because of my health... it was not because of that blank state episodes people experience when writing... NOPE... In actual fact I am having a cold feet now... I'm freaking out... I'm chickening out... I'm soooo scared... I'm panicking... I feel like killing myself...

I guess all these while lucky is always my best companion... I was lucky to being selected and get a place in an international university which I had never imagined that I would get... who was I? Just a naughty leader of a bunch of nauseating school's budak nakal, The Mighty Football Team... who never did her homework and always got the lowest in Maths... I was lucky to be a friend to smart students and to graduate with a 3 pointer... when all I knew during my undergrad years was just having fun and enjoying myself without any serious plan about the future... and a laugh for myself because all I could think of at that time was to graduate and get married to a wealthy man and become a housewife who writes and translates stuffs at home during the day and traines martial arts at night... funny huh... I was lucky when immediately after finishing my final exam I got an offer to work at a college... I was lucky when I wanted to quit working at the college, I got an offer to work in a university and not only from one university but two universities... I was again lucky when I gave out my 24 hours notice to the university and another university offered me a contract job... I was indeed lucky when my intention to do a master degree was coupled with an offer of a fellowship... and 2 universities were ready to sponsor my study and accept me as their staff after the length of my study... Lucky? Lucky? Lucky? Are all those luck? And will I get lucky again? Still these feet are cold...

I've never seen myself as smart because I know I am not smart, not intelligent and none of that quality... I am not like Angah... and unlike my sahabat too... they are all brilliant, they have excellent brain and of course... they are smart... For me... everything is just a plain luck... If I am smart, I could finish my thesis on time without any stupid lapse... If I am smart, my present cgpa would end up with a 3 pointer too... If I am smart, I would have a great social life... If I am smart... only if I am smart... but I'm not that... sigh... and I'm not even beautiful...

A battle of self-esteem again... My self-esteem has disappeared... long time ago... stolen by a man who was stolen from me by my close confidante... Its gradual disappearance is really bothering me... I can hardly function as the old Mummy again... the one that has the very zest of life... the one that can ride the wind if she wants to... gallops in the air with laughter and smiles... tears and fears are absolutely not listed in her dictionary... only if she can become her old self again... that same old self that she really likes...

Oppsss... it is showering heavily outside... as if to personify my heart... It's a good moment to recollect my soul... to contemplate what should I do with myself... to ponder which button should I press in order to function as an old Mummy again... Here I come my peaceful slumber... Hope it is a peaceful dream and not a nightmare... Ahlamussai'dah...