The coast is heavily misty... from a restricted vision, there seems to be a moving object ahead...
What is it? A human, an animal, trees shaken by the heavy gush of bone penetrating wind?
Let me go nearer... Nope... Perhaps no...
It could be a mad pirate ready to slash my throat...
It could be a hungry tiger ready to leap and tear...
It could be an elephant ready to stamp me flat...
It could be anything...

Fears envelopes my senses
I am ready to run and hide
But...
How can I run when my feet are rooted onto the ground
To run or not to run... that is the question...
Sucks... Shakespeare at such time...
Wake up!
To hide... but where?
This plain ground promises nothing
Except
The thick mist that slowly enveloping my body

Let me yell...
Let me cry...
Let me laugh?
Yeah... laugh it out loud
While you can still hear your heart beating...

The object gets nearer
In coldness...
The body perspires
Like beads of pearls
Trickle slowly down from the forehead
Drop onto the cheek and...
Why should I bother about it!

It is clearer now
Ahah! I can see it now...
My knees are weak
I slump down
Catching my breath...
Pish... posh... pish... posh...

Haahahhahahahahahahha
Kekekekeke
Harharharharhar
Uuuuu... hhahahaha
Muakakakaka

"Along, bangun long, dah pukul 5.45 pagi ni!"
Iearrgghhhh...
"Hah! Dah pagi?"
"Kejutkan along semula pukul 6.30 yek..."
Zzzzzzzzz...


Jasin Sonata 30/9/02
11.15 p.m.

My battery is out... my patience is out... so... good bye for the day!

An Ode to the Boulder

there are Chapelle's, Nunan's, Oppenheim's, Levy's...
iurrgghhh...
pain! pain!
hither thee away!
let the words fly within...
like a trail of heavenly feathers...
sweeping thee off thy moss...
polishing thee fine and shiny...
to glitter amongst the ugly erected statues...
to shine... to aspire...
and above all...
to let not the moss creeps its way again...
never...
ever...
and ever...

I just came back from a late night supper with Apeng... We went to Astaka Tanjung Bungah to pekena char kuey teow... Though it was raining heavily in this small island... deep within... the coldness somehow has melted away...

It is nice to have friends coming over to visit us, isn't it? :-) Memories are recollected... future plans are discussed... ahhh... such a bliss! Sometimes... even old pains can be stirred from its peaceful slumber :-(

Wake up! Pull yourself into one piece Mummy! You've got a thesis to be submitted! Oh dear... let the hot shower wash away the melancholic symphony... brrrr... and let the meeting with Him rekindle this restless soul into tranquility... God bless!

p/s: Thank you for the encouragement my dear sahabat...

My spirit was lifted up! Tahniah Miot for the outstanding achievement! I always know you could do it babeh... :-) Muahhssss...

Before closing my eyes...

Akibat pulut santan binasa... akibat mulut badan binasa. Nila setitik... rosak susu sebelanga. Don't trust me for I am not to be trusted. Don't love me for I do not worth a love. Don't look up at me for I am very low. Imperfect I am and I thank my Lord for the imperfectness... That's what I am... in spirit and in psyche... What should I do? Only to seek for His blessings and His love... for me to be able to walk this harsh route without tumbling down... without any marks left on the hearts of the passers-bys... without any streak of tears in losing and in saying good-byes...

Hence, I wish to withdraw myself into a suffocating seclusion from any humanity contact... for I wish not to blurt... not to hurt... for I know how much pain is it to hurt and to being hurt...

Things in the past:

1. Semalam sepanjang hari aku telah "menjulapkan" diri... lembik acik...
2. Layan Japanese drama series (sebab dah lembik sangat nak duduk di meja belajar)...
3. Batal puasa sebab dah barb out segalanya... rugi... rugi...
4. Jumpa supervisor sekejap di awal pagi dan dapat arahan supaya buat research di Kuala Lumpur (hangus lagi la poket aku...)

Things to do and expect:

1. Immediately and miraculously try to write Chapter 1, Chapter 2 and Chapter 3 for the new topic within one week...
2. Come out with questionnaires too...
3. Go away lazy eyelids and welcome dear agility!
4. Get permission letters from the department and the library too...
5. No extra time infront of the cube... uhuk... uhuk...
6. Come out with a new budget for the month... muahahah...
7. Apeng is coming to the town this coming Thursday... hooooooorayyyyy! Yehaaaa.... Happy... Happy... Therefore, finish everything before his arrival... ;-p

Above all... Be patient and hang on Mummy!

O ye who believe! Seek help with patient Perseverance and Prayer: for Allah is with those who patiently persevere. And say not of those who are slain in the way of Allah: "They are dead." Nay, they are living, though ye perceive (it) not. Be sure we shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods or lives or the fruits (of your toil), but give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere. Who say, when afflicted with calamity: "To Allah we belong, and to Him is our return"- They are those on whom (descend) blessings from their Lord, and Mercy, and they are the ones that receive guidance.

Quranic translation: al-Baqarah verse 153-157

Memang benar telahan aku... ujian kesenangan itu sememangnya lebih sukar daripada ujian kesusahan... perit rintih kehidupan tanpa kerja tetap dan tanpa wang dapat ku lalui dengan penuh tabah... aku masih mampu ke sana ke mari menjalankan tugas dan tanggungjawab ku sebagai seorang tenaga pengajar... suatu kegiatan sukarela yang aku sertai dan cintai... aku gigih... aku tabah... tahan dek bedilan ombak mengganas seperti karang di lautan... Tapi kini... aku diuji dengan kesenangan... aku berjaya mendapatkan fellowship... namun... di sebalik tabir kesenangan tersimpan berbagai duka... duka menggalas tanggungjawab untuk menjadi yang terbaik... duka memikul harapan universiti, kerajaan, keluarga dan masyarakat yang aku belum pasti dapat aku laksanakan sebaiknya... duka berjauhan dari keluarga dan sahabat... duka hidup bersendirian... duka kerana tidak lagi melaksanakan tanggungjawab ku sebagai seorang tenaga pengajar... duka merindui guru ku... menitis air mata ku ini...

Aku tahu aku mesti sabar... aku tahu sekiranya aku mengadu pada sahabat-sahabatku aku jua akan dimarahi dan dibebeli kerana berperasaan seperti ini... aku tahu sekiranya aku meluahkan seluruhnya kepada keluargaku pasti mereka akan kecewa... aku tahu kiranya aku berundur dari persada ini tak mungkin peluang kedua akan muncul... aku pun tak tahu pada siapa lagi untuk mengadu selain daripadaNya. Aku sedih... aku kecewa... ke manakah hilangnya kepahlawanan ku?

Selama ini sebahagian besar hidup ku adalah pengorbanan untuk kebahagiaan orang lain... Bila pula aku akan dapat membuat sesuatu yang aku sukai... aku pun tidak pasti... Aku sebenarnya seperti tikus... terjerat dek keenakan bau keju... keju yang mencair dan di bawa pergi oleh ombak selat... kakiku, tanganku, badan ku tersepit pada jerat itu... sakit... dan kemudiannya terasa kebas... dan sakit semula... Perlukah aku melepaskan diri? Walaupun di hadapanku ada keju... tapi keju telah cair dibawa pergi... aku hanya dapat mengkhayalkan diri dengan aromanya enak sahaja... khayalan yang perlu untuk aku terus hidup di celah jerat yang mencengkam... menunggu masa...

Maaf... Aku memang begini... Terimalah aku seadanya... Kiranya aku merana suatu hari nanti, jangan kau sepak diriku ini dan berkata, "Itu la dulu dah baik-baik dapat kesenangan kau tolak, kononnya tak daya la, kononnya tak mampu nak tanggung... Padan kan muka kau!" Ya... konon... konon... I wish you were in my shoes... nope... in my mouse trap... Bukankah sudah ku katakan buat kesekian kalinya... aku perlukan masa... aku perlukan kehidupan lampau ku... aku perlukan Dia... Aku tidak mahu menjadi ketam... Ketam yang mahu cuba mengajar anaknya berjalan lurus tapi kakinya sendiri yang pengkau... Aku ingin menjadi si kuda belang...

Let me excuse my self now before these crystal pearls drop onto my keyboard... May tomorrow is better than today...

Ku harapkan hujan akan reda namun ribut jua yang melanda... Beginilah nasib... Ujian datang bertimpa-timpa... Aku mengeluh? Tidak... Hanya memikirkan keagungan Tuhan... Dia faham... Dia Maha Mengetahui... Setiap apa yang dilakukanNya pasti ada hikmah yang hanya boleh diungkapkan oleh hambaNya yang faham dan redha. Mengikut kalendar Hijrah, bulan ini ialah bulan Rejab. 12 Rejab 1423 adalah tarikh yang termaktub untuk hari ini... Terdapat banyak kelebihan di dalam bulan ini. Ini ialah bulan Allah... sememangnya dugaan di dalam bulan ini adalah banyak. Memang banyak... kesabaran akan diuji... kejayaan menangani ujian dengan sabar adalah suatu hikmat dan nikmat... hanya mereka yang benar-benar sedar akan insaf dan akur... Ku pohon kekuatan, kewarasan akal dan ketenangan ruh dari mu ya Allah! Amin...

Allah selamatkan kamu
Allah selamatkan kamu
Allah selamatkan emak ku tercinta
Allah selamatkan kamu
Happy Birthday mak!

Terima kasih di atas segala-galanya... melahirkan aku... membesarkan aku... mendidik aku... and for always being there in spirit and in strength. You are the bestest emak in the whole wide world... Hanya Allah yang mampu membalasnya...

Thanks too for the phone conversation that we had this evening... it soothed and calmed my confused soul... it also pricked my tears to recollect your patience and endurence in bringing us up... for sacrificing every single bit of your salary for the happiness of your kids... for always have trust in us... sentiasa bersangka baik even though I spent my nights going out with strangers... for understanding us... for feeding us well... for burning late night candles sewing our clothes... and for bearing us nine months inside your womb... I love you emak!

Ya Allah! Pelihara ibu ku... bapa ku... dan juga guru-guru ku... mereka telah banyak berkorban dan juga memdidik ku menjadi seorang hamba... ampunkanlah dosa-dosa mereka dan tempatkanlah mereka di kalangan orang-orang yang memperolehi kejayaan di akhirat kelak... Amin...

Aku jadik bengong
Otak ku seperti mahu pecah
Mata ku kabur
Rasa seperti mahu saja aku langgar dinding batu itu...
Berpusing-pusing tanpa arah tujuan... mencari erti siapakah aku... apakah yang aku mahu...
Sebelum nafas terhenti...
Selama ini sudah pelbagai kesenangan aku perolehi
Peluang itu ada di mana-mana sahaja untuk mengenyangkan aku...
Tapi di sebalik peluang yang terbentang... aku menjadi takut...
Takut dengan pukulan padu dari nikmat yang aku perolehi
Aku kini terbang rendah... menyorok di sebalik timbunan kertas...
Menyorok di sebalik material gergasi yang bersifat sementara
Aku pasrah... Nafas ku sesak...
Darah itu akan pasti berhenti mengalir..
Aku telah diracuni...
Aku sejuk...
Pandangan ku kabur...
Aku memang bengong
Mata ku memang berpinar-pinar
Ajalku mungkin tiba... mungkin? hmmm... ianya pasti...
Arrgghhhh...
Tamatkan penderitaan ini sekarang!
Bam!

Tangan peluang itu berjaya memukulnya...
Ia penyet leper seperti dilanggar steamroll
Senipis kertas surat khabar
Surat khabar lama
Begitulah...
Begitulah nasib seekor nyamuk...

Sajak: Nyamuk di Ambang Maut
1.10 p.m. Selasa, 17 September 2002

Not a fiction... a reality indeed... a harsh reality...

Wowie! Matt Damon was really awesome... cool and cute as usual... I just came back from watching "Borne Identity" with Siti at Bukit Jambul... we strolled to the cinema because the complex is at a walking distance from our house... then we stopped for a late night supper not at Kayu but Rosram for a change... hehehe...

I've read EncikKhairul's piece on life and movie... (thanks sifu for introducing me to his weblog... hehehe...) Yep! I agree mostly with his... How I wish life is just like Lewis Carroll's fantasy or even as Enid Blyton's... my favourites when I was in my young age... well... I'm not old okay... hehehe...

Okie dokie... I've a lot going on in my mind right now... all in a jumble of jigsaw puzzles and yet to be assembled properly... Who says that a literature person's soul is not complex? Hehehe uhukk uhukk sob sob...

"When I use a word", Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean - neither more nor less".
(Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking Glass)

I've just watched "Never Been Kissed" perhaps for the 100th. times... I'm not too sure why I like the movie so much and never get bored by it... yet. The same goes with "Yo Soy Betty La Fea", the Spanish series that is shown on NTV7 during weekdays at 4.30 p.m.... it is a candu... Now, where the link is? Hmmm... just aimlessly pondering about it before saying goodbye to the day...

Sleep perchance dream... and dream perchance???

Idup ni memang tak boleh lari dari pelbagai ups and downs... Kalau semuanya baik saja pun mungkin tak ada makna juga dan kalau semuanya buruk saja pun... Tuhan tu tidak zalim... jadiknya memang banyak variasi dugaan samada dalam bentuk kesenangan dan kesusahan di dalam hidup kita ni untuk mematangkan kita dan juga mendewasakan kita... Tapi malang... di sebalik kitaran hidup yang sebegitu rupa, masih ada manusia yang tidak mahu mematangkan diri... mereka lebih suka hidup di masa silam dan tempuh apa jua yang melanda at present... for these people, the future is a "Que Sera Sera What Ever Will Be Will Be"...

Kata orang dugaan kesusahan itu memang perit dan kata orang lagi "kalau aku senang nanti aku akan buat begini dan begitu"... kononnya... Tapi bagi aku bila kita diuji dengan dugaan kesenangan itulah yang sebenar-benarnya perit sekali... malah berkali-kali... Bila senang kita mudah lupa... lupa pada Tuhan, lupa pada keluarga, lupa pada rakan dan juga lupa pada tanggungjawab kita sebagai khalifah dan hamba. Tapi bila kita susah, tak ada duit... sakit... tak ada kerja... pada masa itu la kita benar-benar mahu bergantung padaNya. Hmmm... wajar dan adilkah kita sebagai hamba berbuat demikian terhadap Khaliq? Pengalaman aku... dulu memang aku susah, kerja tak tetap... bukannya aku dibuang kerja tetapi diri sendiri yang tidak puas dengan apa yang sedang dilakukan... jadiknya sesuka hati aje la nak tukar-tukar kerja. Jangan dikhuatirin... sekarang ini aku tahu apa yang sesuai dengan jiwa aku... aku sesuai menjadi pendidik... aku rasa la... Tapi berbalik pada masa itu, walaupun aku hidup sedemikian rupa tapi hati aku tenang dan bahagia... tiada kegusaran dan aku memang confident dengan diri sendiri... Mungkin disebabkan aku berada di dalam lingkungan keluargaku dan juga se-udaraku... Tapi sekarang di pulau kecil ini... walaupun rumah aku ada swimming pool, duit aku sentiasa cukup, rumah aku amat kondusif untuk aku belajar tapi ada satu ruang kekosongan di dalam benakku ini... ntahnyer... mungkin keikhlasan aku untuk berada di pulau ini sedang diuji agaknya... Ikhlas? Ikhlas ke aku berada di sini? Ntah... satu soalan yang masih belum mampu aku jawab...

Pagi tadi at 10 a.m. aku bergegas dari sesi kolokium untuk berjumpa dengan supervisor aku... lucky me... dia lupa janji temu dia dengan aku tapi he was around... kira okay la tu... Selepas berbincang dengan beliau aku terpaksa membuat semula research questions aku... huihhh... rasa nak nangis... masa sudah suntuk... sepatutnya pada bulan ini aku sudah distribute all the questionnaires and no more of revising my research questions. Salah siapa? Kebodohan sendiri... nak buat macam mana... sigh... Aku pun tak tau samada aku boleh meneruskan tanggungjawab dan perjuangan ini... Sahabat-sahabatku mungkin selalu ingat yang aku ini kuat dan walau bagaimana teruk dilanda badai aku tetap "I will survive"... tapi aku bukan begitu orangnya... tak percaya tanyalah mak aku... semangat juang aku on and off... Yep! Masa di KL dan Melaka dulu memang aku "superwoman" tapi to being here in this island has made me tiny, small and inferior. Hembusan angin pulau ini tidak seenak hembusan polluted air di daerah Selatan... Aku ada se-udara di sini tapi se-udara di pulau ini membuatkan dadaku sesak dan tidak boleh untuk bernafas... sampai aku rasakan yang mereka mungkin tidak boleh menerima diri aku ini...

Hahaha... a funny note from my supervisor... I told him, "Sir, am I too stupid? I think I am very stupid and sorry to trouble you sir." He answered, " Don't worry Eliza... we are all stupid..." Hmmm... will that make me feel better? Hmmm... perhaps I should retire... not to bed but to the tv set and peruse anything interesting for tonite... 8-)

Ola! Buenos diaz!

Cas-cas aku memang dah cas gilerrr hari ni... Yep! Today is indeed better than yesterday... hehehe... Walaupun pagi tadi aku dok tuang tak pergi ke kolokium tapi perjumpaan dengan Dean sebentar tadi memang mencargaskan semangat dan juga minda... Elooo... aku tuang kolokium tuh bukan sengaja beb tapi sebab aku telah menjulapkan diri makan sup cendawan semalam... memang lembik laa badan acik ni...

Itu la... kengkadang diri kita ini yang tak begitu yakin walhal orang di sekeliling kita yakin yang kita boleh buat dan berjaya. Kenapa yek? Kengkadang orang nampak tapi kita sendiri tak nampak... hmmm... musykil ni. Aku ni camni la... macam pahat dengan penukul... bila tak diketuk-ketuk maka berkarat la pahat ni... dah la karat sejuk pulak tu. Kata-kata beliau menjadi perangsang buat aku meneruskan penulisan thesis ku ini... hahaha... hari ini aku tak sedrowsy semalam jadiknya aku rasa bakal boss aku ni memang friendly dan supportive orangnya. Gaya percakapan pun ala-ala Mahathir ajek... bercampur loghat utara... terasa at home ajek bila ke PPIP ni. Aku mesti teruskan juga perjuangan aku... Cekak tidak melatih ahlinya mengundur... aku mesti mara... life must go on dan tanggungjawab perlu dilaksanakan sebaik mungkin... Kalau Malaysia boleh, Mummy pun mesti boleh juga! Aku mesti boleh... kena pecahkan cengkerang kemurungan ini sekarang... mari kita ramai-ramai belasah dia... wachaaaa... yehaaa!

Guru ku pernah berkata... sekiranya seseorang itu hendak mengenali Tuhan maka hendaklah dia kenal akan dirinya sendiri dahulu... Sesungguhnya pada diri seorang manusia itu ujud berbagai tanda kebesaran Allah sekiranya kita faham... Adakah aku sudah benar-benar kenal akan diri ku?

Okie... my adrenalin is pumping hard dan cengkerang ini pastinya aku lumat aku kerjakan... hehehe... Doa'kan kejayaan diri ku yek!

Pish posh... pish posh... What a refreshing day... Alas! I managed to drag myself out of bed very early today... hahahah... I got a colloqium to attend at 8.00... This three days colloqium is organised by Education School and me as its "future staff" has been sent two memos to make myself available during the programme. Bummer! Kekeke... Actually, it is nice to go out there and mix around after the 7 days confinement... heheh... most of the participants are senior teachers and again bummer... no space to flirt around... hehehe... The opening ceremony was just a plain okay because I expected that the Dean would give out a scholarly speech but it turned out or it sounded as if it was a mother who was nagging at her children. Mebbe the unusual early morning dosage of air made my aural nerves went ulala... Nothing much if I were to recollect what was said during the ceremony. Ouch... my cough got harsher and my tummy was churning madly to the call of the mother nature... time for break! Time to go back home!

Nevertheless, I attended the workshop session which didn't really stimulate my intellect... hahaha... I was drowsy actually... and then stopped for awhile at Pusat Bahasa to socialise before going back home. My body couldn't take it anymore... I needed a couch.... iurrgghh... So, there goes my first day at the colloqium and I hope tomorrow everything will be much much better... 8-)

alone and lonely... today i plan for tomorrow... but... what if tomorrow never comes? my head bows humbly for forgiveness from those whose heart were hurt and from those who hate, love and understand... peace be to all!

I'm sooo mad with myself today... I promised myself to wake up early but still... as usual... ieeargghhhh... tensi... tensi... Anyway, today is the 7th. day I haven't laid my feet on the ground... hahaha... I'm not an angel or a bird... it is just that I haven't stepped out from my house for seven days and this house is on level 11... A loser's life? Nope... it is not... it is a houseguard's life... muakakaka... So, today I don't have to keep up that record because after taking my bath I'll have to go to Maybank... I must... else my UNITEN cheque will expire... rugi maaaa... Perhaps I'll go to Macro and buy stuffs to make the fridge merrier... hehehe... Let me check... Wow! I guess it's going to rain again... the dark clouds are thickening... monsoon season has come!

Twinkle twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
Up above the sky so high
Like a diamond in the sky...

My sifu master said, "This is not jiwang karat... it is layan blues..." Hahaha... I agree... Thank you sifu master...

Today is just like another day... perhaps... brighter with a mother's blessing... :-)

Nobody's online tonite... sob... sob... A very lonely weekend together only with myself... as usual... nobody to chat with and no call from home... I woke up late and Siti had already gone to work... she is having an over-time until 1 a.m.... So, I spent the whole day watching tv and lying on my back on the green couch doing extra nothing... I cooked fried rice kampong style and finished it all alone... I don't think Siti would want to eat it if she came back that late... even the time when she came back at 9, bed was always her first target and zzzzzz.... I wonder what kind of drives that she has and motivate her to work 24/7... I wish I have it too...

Well... wonder why I didn't do any work today? Nope... it was not because of my health... it was not because of that blank state episodes people experience when writing... NOPE... In actual fact I am having a cold feet now... I'm freaking out... I'm chickening out... I'm soooo scared... I'm panicking... I feel like killing myself...

I guess all these while lucky is always my best companion... I was lucky to being selected and get a place in an international university which I had never imagined that I would get... who was I? Just a naughty leader of a bunch of nauseating school's budak nakal, The Mighty Football Team... who never did her homework and always got the lowest in Maths... I was lucky to be a friend to smart students and to graduate with a 3 pointer... when all I knew during my undergrad years was just having fun and enjoying myself without any serious plan about the future... and a laugh for myself because all I could think of at that time was to graduate and get married to a wealthy man and become a housewife who writes and translates stuffs at home during the day and traines martial arts at night... funny huh... I was lucky when immediately after finishing my final exam I got an offer to work at a college... I was lucky when I wanted to quit working at the college, I got an offer to work in a university and not only from one university but two universities... I was again lucky when I gave out my 24 hours notice to the university and another university offered me a contract job... I was indeed lucky when my intention to do a master degree was coupled with an offer of a fellowship... and 2 universities were ready to sponsor my study and accept me as their staff after the length of my study... Lucky? Lucky? Lucky? Are all those luck? And will I get lucky again? Still these feet are cold...

I've never seen myself as smart because I know I am not smart, not intelligent and none of that quality... I am not like Angah... and unlike my sahabat too... they are all brilliant, they have excellent brain and of course... they are smart... For me... everything is just a plain luck... If I am smart, I could finish my thesis on time without any stupid lapse... If I am smart, my present cgpa would end up with a 3 pointer too... If I am smart, I would have a great social life... If I am smart... only if I am smart... but I'm not that... sigh... and I'm not even beautiful...

A battle of self-esteem again... My self-esteem has disappeared... long time ago... stolen by a man who was stolen from me by my close confidante... Its gradual disappearance is really bothering me... I can hardly function as the old Mummy again... the one that has the very zest of life... the one that can ride the wind if she wants to... gallops in the air with laughter and smiles... tears and fears are absolutely not listed in her dictionary... only if she can become her old self again... that same old self that she really likes...

Oppsss... it is showering heavily outside... as if to personify my heart... It's a good moment to recollect my soul... to contemplate what should I do with myself... to ponder which button should I press in order to function as an old Mummy again... Here I come my peaceful slumber... Hope it is a peaceful dream and not a nightmare... Ahlamussai'dah...

Sleepless Night In Seattle... Have you watched that movie? Nice huh? But tonite it is not Sleepless Night In Seattle but more of Sleepless Night in Penang... hahaha... uhuk...uhuk... Mebbe my stomach was too full or mebbe I've too much sleep during the day or mebbe I've too much rest when I was feverish few days back... Nope... none of the above... My intellectus stimulant gland is actually pumping and pushing hard to make sense... good sense... acceptable sense... for my research writing but somehow my optical nerve doesn't correlate with that gland and I ended up staring at this laptop screen... blank... even this blog page seems empty... white... endless white... The accompanying Utada Hikaru's First Love mp3 seems to be blended with the empty gaze and the result is peace, tranquility and perhaps mortality...

I've just exchanged sms with some friends... and how life is so fair... one of them is actually my frequent sms target when I'm bored and gersang. He is now on his way to Danok, the I-haven't-heard place somewhere in Thailand... He said that he missed me if I missed him too... yeah right... hahaha... And he ended his sms by telling me that his girlfriend has abandoned him six months ago because he faced bankruptcy in his business... Ouchhh! Really that hurts... I can feel it too... The feeling of being abandoned is bitter... it stabs right in the middle of our heart... right here... yes... exactly right here... and the pain cease to go away just like "poof"... I've experienced it and always pray that I won't go through such pain again... I don't want to be stabbed... I don't want to be hurt... I don't want to silently crying inside... no more... no more of such...

Dear friend,
Hang on tough dear... for every rainy day there will be rainbows in the end... though the rainbows sometimes can hardly be seen, just know that it is there... if not in psyche in spirit... Ada hikmah di sebalik apa yang Tuhan jadikan untuk kita. Life is indeed a fair ordeal... Very fair indeed... We get some, we lose some...

My sahabat has said something like this, "When we reflect again... sesetengah orang hidupnya susah, tiada kerja yang tetap, tiada duit, tiada keluarga untuk bergantung tapi they are blessed with love, they have someone to be by his/her side to endure all the pain and the difficulties of life together... sesetengah orang pula hidupnya mewah, ada duit, ada kerja, boleh sambung belajar, ada keluarga tempat bermanja dan mengadu, but, their hearts are empty... tiada teman hidup, tiada the significant other to support him/her..." Yep sahabatku... sesungguhnya kita ini adalah MANUSIA... Mat Nasia... insan yang selalu lupa... syukur... dan bersangka baiklah sentiasa kita kepadaNYA... Aku juga lupa... selalu lupa... perlu sentiasa dikejutkan dan diingatkan...

FIRST LOVE
by Utada Hikaru (Toshiba/EMI)

Saigo no kisu wa
Tabako no flavor ga shita
Nigakute setsu nai kaori
Ashita no imakoro ni wa
Anata wa doko ni irun darou
Dare wo omotterun darou

You are always gonna be my love
Itsu ka dare ka to mata koi ni ochite mo
I'll remember to love - you taught me how
You are always gonna be the one
Ima wa mada kanashii love song
Atarashii uta utaeru made

Tachi tomaru jikan ga
Ugoki dasou to shiteru
Wasuretakunai koto bakari
Ashita no imakoro ni wa
Watashi wa kitto naite iru
Anata wo omotterun darou

You will always be inside my heart
Itsu mo anata dake no basho ga aru kara
I hope that I have a place in your heart too
Now and forever you are still the one
Ima wa mada kanashii love song
Atarashii uta utaeru made

You are always gonna be my love
Itsu ka dare ka to mata koi ni ochite mo
I'll remember to love - you taught me how
You are always gonna be the one
Ima wa mada kanashii love song
Atarashii uta utaeru made

Ahhh... this song is really like a silk cloth that softly brushes my ears and heart... Huarrggghhh... here comes heavy eyes... what an enchanting lullaby... Good nite world! Good nite...

Fav jingles masa zaman "care less about world" dulu...

Aci kadewa duku duka si pole pole aci cinna walna piduru talagala
Nenong tentong nenong tentong nene cekudut...
(Dak Zura ajar)

Kodok ngorok rokotok rokotok
Di pinggir kali rikitik rikitik
Dia jatuh rukutuk rukutuk
Lalu mati rikitik rikitik...
(Aku yang ajar mereka... kekeke)

Best kan zaman itu? Tak perlu pikir tentang bayar bil kereta, sewa rumah, credit card, hutang bank... Hanya belajar, makan dan berghonjeng aje... Makan kat kedai along Bangsar, kedai mamak SS2, gerai nasik lemak simpang UM (sanggup ponteng kelas semata-mata dek nasik lemak best tuh), Seksyen 14, maplai 222, mee claypot The Mall, nasik makcik Angah, Seksyen 17... bergegas ke cafe nak makan kuey teow basah best dan sssrrrruutttttt.... sedut mee hoon sup dengan straw... huish... memang best zaman tuh... zaman gemilang M2RAH yang terkemuka seantario alam... sahabat-sahabat ku Miot, Ra, Ayla dan Hes... zaman itu... hanya zaman itu...

Sekarang? Nak makan pun kena based on budget... makan pun seorang aje... tak ada feel langsung... Begitu la nasib hamba seorang warga pulau... My once significant other asked this to me: "Mummy, if you can turn back time... what will you do?" Huh... macam bagus aje kan soalan nih? Ntahnyer... sigh...

Alahai... recollecting tentang tempat makan ni membuat perut terasa lapar la pulak... apa-apa hal soru tak boleh miss... Apakah menu kita hari ini? Ahah! Nasi goreng ikan masin... nyummy yum yum...

Ahah! My first experiment with blog... Dear myself, welcome to myself...

Happy Birthday to You, Happy Birthday to You,
Happy Birthday to My First Blog,
Happy Birthday to You...