Today is indeed a meaningful day. And I almost get the grasp of “live the day as if you’ll live forever and live the day as if you’ll die tomorrow”. Almost.
Intriguing enough, my ordinary life as a meaning seeker started as early as six in the morning. Being shaken off from the restless slumber, I woke up in daze. Instead of blood, thick lead seemed to be running throughout my veins. Yup! The ugly draggy laziness. The thought that this would be the day where the challenges would be ready to devour me made those numb feet and brain stirred to life. Jumping off the bed, in a jiff I was ready for action.
The first challenge of the day was to quieten the bodily melody. A morsel of Arabian delicacy was fed to satisfy, just satisfy, not to fully satify the raging disturbance. End of the first chapter and onward to the second challenge.
To be charged with ideas somewhat distant from my ideals. To be exposed with the intricacies of education, politics and one’s principles. To be ripped open and rendered to the bitter reality. To uphold one’s virtues. To muse on the glory of the golden era. My mind started to feel the warmth. The dormant machine started to pump. Comparing. Evaluating. Judging. Connecting. Thinking? The beginning of a journey.
Third. The most difficult of all challenges of the day. Ever, at the receiving end. Am I being manipulative? Am I being opportunistic? Am I being stingy? Worst. I felt and always feel like a beggar feeding from the palms. Totally inadequate. Social justice and sharing of wealth. On my part, what wealth?
The fourth. Repetition? Refresher? Reminder. Almost anesthetized my ready-to-work-out neurons. My medula oblongata was crying out loud for difference. Yet, have to abide for the sake of those newbies. A bit of a pause.
The fifth and the ultimate. A pleasurable self inflicted pain. Huh? Mind bondage? Though it might look like a hard control, being prisoned within the dull four white walls from six to eight thirty with a grumbling organ to be disciplined, in actuality it is a soft control. As I perceive it. Sharp stabs, like acupuncture needles, are dart-thrown to awaken the sleeping beauty. New concepts. No. Unthinkable alien concept was introduced. Far from the expected. Far from what sketched in my worldview. Mind-boggling yet true to the every single veins and senses. Social justice. Creating our own narrative. Learning, an accident, from the life. Living the knowledge in its purest being. Torturous? Nope. An unnoticed torture. A delightful enlightening brute. Crave for it. Addicted to it. Looking forward for it. Doesn’t it look like a soft control?
Well. This is what I am trying to do. This is what I am exercising and disciplining myself to do.
Writing a narrative. Critical.
It may not make sense. It may not sound sane. This is just the beginning. Day one.
Wahhh... Semester sudah bermula. Semalam ada kelas Innovation. Kelas yang aku repeat... hahaha... Aku sengaja mengantoikan diri untuk paper ni last two sems. Aku dapat incomplete sebab tak hantar project paper dan this sem status incomplete dah tukar jadi fail. So, kena repeat la. Anyway, semalam lecturer aku kata aku tak perlu buat assignment untuk kelas repeat ni sebab I did all the presentations and the minor assignments previous class... hhahahaha... Ya, talking about me and my being naughty.
Anyway, today, I can't feel my legs. Its numbness is driving me nuts. Sakit oooo jalan dari audi sampai Insted semalam. Tensi... Tensi... I must get that dosage of ALA asap.
Orraits, aku ingat sempena semester baru ni aku nak chaiyok update blog. Tensi gak bila adik aku Acu buang link aku dari blog dia. Dia kata, "Long, kenapa la blog kau macam dah tak bernyawa jek." Hahahaha... Memang pun. Just like the owner yang hampir putus nyawa tahan sakit kaki ni.... huhuuhuhu...
Hari ni aku nak tepekkan satu thesis review yang telah membuatkan aku PASS pre-requisite course EDF6801 Qualitative Research yang sangat tapet semester lalu... I am very grateful... Terima kasih Ya Rab untuk ilham pada jam 4 pagi tersebut... Alhamdulillah...
It was a great thesis indeed... Here goes...
Schneider, Kristina (August, 2008). A Qualitative Study of Five Authors of Five Blogs on Training and Development. A thesis written in partial fulfilments of the requirements for the degree of MA in Educational Technology, ConcordiaUniversity. A PDF file retrieved on September 15th., 2008, from the World Wide Web.
As noted in the opening sentence of the thesis, “One of the challenges of working in a profession is keeping current with the field.” The author of this thesis has discussed in great details about her study on professional development and blog as the training and development resource. As observed, much emphasis and care had been given especially in the research design and the report of the qualitative results. In view of its general organisational structure, this thesis is divided into six parts of discussions namely: Background on Professional Development and Blogs in Training and Development including its Research Questions; Literature on the Forms of Professional Development, Social Computing and the Credibility of Blogs; Methodology of the Study; Discussion on the Five Case Studiesin in great details; Analysis and Findings of the Study; and its Conclusions and Recommendations for Further Research. At the end of the thesis, appendices on the questionnaire and the related protocols were attached. The following paragraphs will present a critical analysis of the thesis particularly on the purpose/justification of the study, its design and instrumentation together including its data collection.
To find the broad purpose of the study is not a tough task. It is evident in the final sentence of the introductory paragraph. However, in order to understand the purpose in detail, it requires an extra amount of focus in reading and getting at the whole idea of the study. The purpose of the study is clear as stated on page 17 before the list of research questions; to quote,
Although the issue is most widely raised in the field of journalism, it is also onethat concerns blogs in the field of training and development. How do these bloggersdetermine what to write about? From where do they receive their information? And howdo they verify their information? That’s what this study intends to find out.
1.Who are the bloggers in the field? That is, what motivates them to blog and what qualifications do they believe they bring to the task?
2.What is their purpose in blogging? That is, what do they hope to accomplish? What influence do they hope to achieve, if any?
3.What do professionals in the educational technology who choose to blog choose to write about?
4.How do they select the content to report? How do they verify the content, if at all?
5.What evidence do the bloggers have of their influence?
The questions are posed from the perspective of the blogger i.e. emic perspective and to depart from the above questions, phenomenological qualitative research design was employed by the author.
Upon first reading of the thesis, I was overwhelmed with the usage of the word “blogs”. It has been used extensively throughout the thesis and I was lost in the commonly accepted nature of blogs as a social discourse and their questionable credibility as resources, or the study’s artefacts. However, after repeated reading, the whole discussion of the study could be generated into senses. The author had undeniably given an amount of explanation on efforts to ensure trustworthiness and credibility of the conclusions by using measures such as triangulation (p. 51-52). Context was carefully established in order to provide a clear view on the study of interest.
Salute to the author because it is apparent that she had carried out elaborate efforts in gathering literature on the topics of interest. The list of references is noticeably lengthy. It has, therefore, provided an ample framework for the study. Yet, the author discussed professional development and training in academic endeavour in a humble manner. Focus was given more on edubloggers and the blogs. This is totally relevant because the study itself seeks to understand the phenomenon experienced by the edubloggers through their blogging activities. Though the study is illuminated by a good amount of literature, grounded theory is to be established through four-month cross-case analysis of five case studies and artefact analysis.
This thesis analysis has indeed suggested strong positive reactions towards the study from the eyes of the audience i.e. me myself. The strength of this study was observable in its Chapter 4, in which the author narrated in detail the five cases under study and also Chapter 5, when the author put forth her findings and analysis of the results. These two parts of discussions were interesting readings. The recruitment process of the participants was elaborated. Each of the chosen cases has its background information, analysis of the entries and also its author’s perspective on the blog as derived from an interview. Care has been given to ensure confidentiality and anonymity of the participants.
As for the design and instrumentation of the study, they were emphasised in detail. A working knowledge on qualitative research would be very helpful in understanding the whole design and instrumentation. The research questions matched the research design advanced by the author. The data collection comes from the analysis of the artefacts i.e. the blogs to assess the content and interviews to identify the intentions and motivations of the bloggers. The data was analysed, as mentioned before, through triangulation using two methods from five blogs in order to reduce assumptions (p. 46).
Finally, data collection of this study is to be scrutinised. The author did not give any mentioned on specific dates on which the research instrument was administered. This is understood as the author had to observe all the five blogs’ contents daily until she was exhausted with the data gained. As for the interviews, suitable time was identified because the participants were greatly separated by time zones and geographical spaces. To reiterate the observation made in previous paragraph, a questionnaire was used as the study’s research instrument. However, it is important to highlight that in this study, the word “questionnaire” is not to be misunderstood with the typical questionnaire employed in a quantitative study. Questionnaire in this study refers to the proposed interview guide to be followed. There are eight guiding questions and the 45-60 minutes interview session was recorded.
In summation, this thesis has definitely provided critical mental and intellectual challenges in comprehending its content; yet, with wholesome depth and understanding of the subject matter. This study was highly qualitative in nature that readers of the thesis need to have an amount of knowledge in qualitative study in order to better understand the valuable gist that the thesis could provide. To end, there is a sense of satisfaction and completion after reading the thesis because the study has ventured into unique findings rather than the directed-to-confirm findings. Indeed, as one has been exposed to a qualitative study, the sense of richness and depth is something that might not be compromised with the other statistical laden type of research. An obvious laborious and rigorous data collection methodology yet, with an infinite sense of fulfilment. This is what this selected thesis has achieved.
Setelah sekian lama aku menyepi kini aku muncul kembali bersama semangat bulan yang mulia ini. Aku rasa amat gembira dan bersyukur kerana diizinkanNYA untuk menikmati bulan yang mulia ini sekali lagi. Alhamdulillah...
Kehidupan aku walaupun masih belum stabil dari segi kerjaya, aku gembira. Gembira mendapat dua kumpulan pelajar ASPER yang sungguh optimis dan kreative dalam mempelajari bahasa Inggeris. Yup! Aku juga gembira belajar walaupun minggu lepas aku ada berniat untuk tarik diri dari kelas Qualitative Research. Perghhh... namun, ku gagahkan jua semangat. Alang-alang menyeluk pekasam biar sampai ke pangkal lengan. Redah jerrr...
Kelas Creative Thinking yang berat dengan ilmu falsafah membuatkan hidupku bermakna walaupun aku hanya sit-in student sahaja. Apa lagi... oh ya, kelas Pak Aziz seperti biasa berstruktur dan menarik. Kini, aku cuma sedikit gelabah kerana masih banyak kertas peperiksaan yang belum ditanda. Fuhhhhh...
Menambahkan keriangan... esok, ya, esok Faiz akan sampai ke bumi Malaysia. Yehaaaaa!!! Disebabkan kapalterbang dia sampai pagi, aku tidak dapat menjemput beliau di KLIA. Aku ada kelas daaa... Oleh itu, tak sabar rasanya nak balik Melaka Jumaat ini untuk mencium bau kari Bangalore adindaku Faiz... hahahahaha...
Oraits... Kemas tak bahasa Malaysia o? Hahahaha... Sudah lama tidak menggunakan Bahasa Malaysia kemas, gian... tapi itu pun masih kurang kemas lagi... huhuuh...
Baiklah, kepada semua yang mengenali aku, walaupun sighnomore kurang aktif sejak dua menjak ini, aku ingin mengucapkan ribuan terima kasih di atas sokongan anda semua. Kurang aktif kerana sejak akhir-akhir ini aku kekurangan bahan untuk dikeluh kesahkan. Hidup semakin bermakna walau zahir dengan segala macam kesempitan. Alhamdulillah...
Aku doa'kan kalian mendapat erti sebenar berpuasa di bulan Ramadhan tahun ini. Selamat meneruskan ibadah puasa untuk semua dan pohon ampun maaf zahir dan batin di atas segala silap dan salah... aku hanya manusia biasa...
3 Ramadhan berlalu Jiwa pilu berbalut rindu Bonda tersayang al-Fatihah buatmu Ntah bila kan bertemu...
it is so unfair... everytime i blog, it must be something sad and pathetic... what the heck... i guess this is the place where i can thrash out all those dirts...
hmmm... nothing much... i don't want to elaborate... i just want to jot down this...
I AM TERRIBLY SAD!
ok... till later i don't know when... erkk... don't misunderstood me... my life has been a lovely one... free floating spirit... a bliss... it is just this one time that i can't stand it...
all the best to me and may Allah bless my worldly journey as a lowly servant... amin...
It comes again and I am still alive to live the first day of the year.
I shouldn't say that this first day of the year was welcomed with joy and happiness. It was not. Sad memories it is full with. Recollections it is full with. Every single pieces was replayed vividly. Of those sorrow moments three years ago.
I reflected and recounted. I've found out that I've wasted so much time on nothing. I've found out that there are more to do in order to further know my own self. I've found out that need to progress in terms of being an 'abd and a khalifah.
I cried and cried and cried. But, crying won't help.
Stand up! Pull self together! March forward! Hijrah!
I promise myself that this new 1429 Hijrah year would be different. Insya-Allah.
i can't sleep... i passed out after 6pm and woke up at 11pm... my body is still not functioning accordingly... luckily i will not be having any classes for these remaining days of the week...
yesterday i experienced series of vomitting and bloating... very bad indeed... everything was poured onto my bed... i was terribly weak and hardly had any strength to move my muscles... my sugar reading was 17.3... ayah called all my sisters and brothers to transfer his scolds to me... he would never speak directly to me... i don't understand why... then my sisters and brothers would scold me for having to bear ayah's nags which were all directed to me... they were the "media"... hmmm... funny huh? a unique father and the eldest child relationship... feel so sorry for my sisters and brothers...
i am still recuperating... they wanted to admit me into the wards but i told them i was ok...
Another year and another chapter of life. Indeed, how time flies.
It was a moment ago I jotted down my thoughts for the 2007 iltizam. 365 days ago and three years since my mom answered His call.
I am still the same me. But, with few pages of good differences on the chapters of my life. Wretched by trials and tribulations in terms of health and wealth, I am still standing strong in spirit and mind.
Alhamdulillah... I pray and hope that 2008 will bring better livelihood, better health and sufficient resources to support my brief worldly life. I do not hope for the beyond, just hope to became a better 'abd as time goes on.
Though I am not celebrating Masehi calendar year, it is my wish that 2008 will bring goodness for everybody on earth.
It's not too late to wish Selamat Tahun Baru Masehi 2007 and the fact that Muharram is just around the corner - Selamat Tahun Baru Hijrah 1428!
Dah hampir dua tahun aku tidak menulis dengan kerap di SIGHNOMORE nih. Tidak mengapa, aku tidak gundah kerana aku ini bukannya blogger yang terkenal. Niat asal aku menulis pun hanya sebagai wadah ekspresi diri. Ada ke insan di luar sana yang kecewa kerana aku tidak selalu berkunjung di sini? Hmmm... I wonder...
Pejam celik pejam celik, dah hampir dua tahun juga mak meninggalkan kami dan dah hampir setahun ayah hidup ditemani makcik. Sejujurnya, aku gembira melihat ayah gembira dan sihat. Adik-adik aku pun dah stabil kehidupan mereka. Persoalannya, bagaimana aku?
Sad to say, aku masih campurtolak ditakuk yang sama. Hidup tanpa ada kerja tetap dan puas hati dengan kebebasan serta tanggungjawab aku terhadap beberapa kerat students yang ada di bawah jagaanku. Gembira? Sesuatu yang diragui. Tenang? Sesuatu yang abstrak. Mampu? Jauh sekali.
Namun apa yang pasti - dengan kedatangan 2007 dan 1428 ini, tekad aku hanya satu... berhenti dari menjadi "walking shadow"! It's about time for me to find comfort in being a solid form. Aku sudah letih menjadi bayang samada secara rela atau tidak. Aku mahu menjadi aku. Fikirkan hanya tentang aku. Aku. Aku. Aku.
Selfish? Tidak. Aku bukan manusia yang sebegitu. Aku cuma mahu merasai dan mengalami sendiri rasa menjadi objek utuh, bukan "bayang" seperti masa silamku. Semoga aku berjaya! May the Force be with me. Semoga Allah memberkati dan membantu aku di dalam perjalanan (perlarian?) baruku ini. Amin...
have you ever felt so lethargic without any reasons and all you wish to do is to lie down on your back and freeze? yeah! that's my exact feeling at the moment. i wish to lie down and not to move any single muscle - ignoring the students' essays, the sound of squeking fan, the glaring lamp, the smell of rain, the everything -
sampai hati beliau buat kami begini. kami pun sunyi juga. kami pun kehilangan. kami pun perlukan kasih. kami pun perlukan sayang. kami masih rasa pedih. hati kami remuk. tapi kenapa beliau buat kami begini? kenapa beliau hanya fikir tentang kebahagiaan beliau sahaja? kenapa beliau tidak mahu ambil tahu apakah erti kebahagiaan sebenar buat kami? kami tidak mahu harta. huh! kini beliau asyik berkira dengan kami. penat menggemukkan kami, mungkin. kepedihan kami kian bertambah. hati kami sudah terserpih terbang melayang ditiup angin kemarau yang mampir.
Alo Salut sunt eu un haiduc Si te rog iubirea mea primeste fericirea. Alo alo sunt eu Picasso Ti-am dat beep si sunt voinic Dar sa stii nu-ti cer nimic.
Vrei sa pleci dar nu ma nu ma iei Nu ma nu ma iei nu ma nu ma nu ma iei. Chipul tau si dragostea din tei Mi-amintesc de ochii tai.
Te sun sa-ti spun ce simt acum Alo iubirea mea sunt eu fericirea. Alo alo sunt iarasi eu Picasso Ti-am dat beep si sunt voinic Dar sa stii nu-ti cer nimic.
Ma-ia-hii Ma-ia-huu Ma-ia-hoo Ma-ia-haa
--------------
walaupun lagu ni macam hepi ajek namun penyu menangis siapa yang tahu? erk... aku ni penyu ke? pingu tuh macam boleh la jugak... hahahahuhuhuhu...
malas nak cakap banyak takde mood nak bersosial until later lah...
Mummy, you're a Type 4 - The Expressive Friends, family, and colleagues likely appreciate you for this honest and expressive way of being. They're also apt to know that when they come to you with a problem, you'll offer them gentle, tactful advice, rich with examples from your own experience. As an Expressive, you're likely to be seen as someone who is strong in your own identity and in your perspective on life. Being a member of this type puts you in good company. Singer/songwriter Sarah McLachlan, with her evocative, personal lyrics, and Bob Dylan, with his distinctive and poetic voice, are also Type 4s.This means that compared to the eight other Enneagram types, you possess a strong sensitivity as well as a powerful creativity. Although you can often be introspective, that doesn't keep you from forming deep emotional connections with the people and places around you. In fact, your ability to search from within may just enrich your compassion and understanding.
~Tickle Analysis~
one word "wish"
fantasi berbaur realiti nasib labu dan labi = nasib mummy dan siblings
sungguh memualkan sungguh menyesakkan
masa tetap berdetik makin hampir makin sakit ngotaiyo... ngotaiyo... ngotaiyo...
ahhh... malas la aku nak cerita! same difference!
Ramadhan dan Syawal 2005 tiada kata yang dapat merakam luka dan perit ini
Semoga aku tabah dan sabar... Ini semua cobaan... Cobaan... Cobaan... Cobaan...
muahahaha... ketawa devilish... aku tengah memblog dan students aku pun tengah memblog juga di Medula Oblongata... cute huh?
tenswee aku sebab depa nih cukup payah nak update blog... kalau update pun asyik la nak cut and paste fwd messages ajek... nih nak kena lebih ajar mereka creative thinking nih... tapi tak apa... next week aku akan polish lagi depa punya kemahiran mind mapping... hari ni aku saja aje bagi mereka rehat sikit... the next hour aku nak suruh mereka buat SAT essay... pre-exercise... hehehe... naughty tul aku ni...
sejak hari selasa kemarin mereka pulun buat toefl exam... semalam aku tak dapat nak hantar group yang akhir sebab pancat... sengal-sengal badan aku lepas dua hari lepak kat kl... jenjalan di wisma kemayan, klcc - shopping di isetan dan kinokuniya, makan dan minum di starbuck, tarbush dan nasi lemak antarabangsa... pergh... mau naik lagi la berat aku... terma kasih dak boss sebab belanja o yang kedana nih... hehehe...
dak dila is getting better... rabu 21/9 sehingga sabtu 24/9 dia terbengkalai kena service kat ward surgery hukm... just like last year... tapi kali nih kerosakannya tak as chronic as last time... doktor sukumar pun takde... dah masuk spital private *sigh* tapi yang bestnya aku memang jadi kakak mithali... malam jumaat tuh aku tidur kat spital... melelas badan aku duduk kat kerusi tuh semalaman... komdian tak mandi plak tuh... bukannya sebab tak ada bilik air tapi sebab aku rasa macam sakit la pulak kalau mandi kat bilik air pesakit nih... psychologically... nak balik rumah? dak dila tak bagi balik dan aku pulak memang tak larat nak turun tangga tinggi kat parking lot hukm tuh... senang cakap... aku memang melelas lepak kat hukm tuh...
dak faiz, bayeed dan sue datang jenguk kami hari sabtu petang... malam tuh aku belanja bebudak nih dan dak hes 6 keping domino pizza large... perghhh... aku lepas makan terus tidur macam hampeh... hahahah... keesokkan paginya kami semua tersadai dan tersidai... lepas dak dila (errkk! terbuli budak sakit la pulak!) dan dak sue cari lauk tengahari... kami makan dan tidur lagi... hahahahha... aku cuba meracun dak faiz supaya ponteng sekolah hari senin but to no avail... skema sungguh mamat tuh... malam tuh lepas lawat pak ngah dan keluarga di saujana impian... semamat-semamat tuh pun balik... aku ngan dila balik bandar tasik permaisuri setelah dua kali tepoten-poten pusing kajang dan beli satay kajang...
so, malam ni aku ada dinner IKAL di palm garden... aku drag dak dila sekali... hahaha... hadiah pun aku dah beli... walaupun seketul mug namun harganya mahal nak mamps... 18 ringgit tuh... comel sangat... ada gambar lembu couple... rasa macam nak buruk siku ajek... hahahah...
hari sabtu ada makan-makan M2RAH kat umah es tapi aku tak rasa seronok sangat sebab once again ayla cannot make it... tak best aa tak cukup korum... hopefully next time ayla ada... so kami tak jadi beli kek sebab tak cukup korum... just makan-makan biasa ajek... hari ahad pulak insyaAllah aku dan dila akan naik bas ke johor jumpa dak angah, derih, piyyah, aser dan ayah serta bakal mak tiri aku... ulp... hahahaha... aku okay!!! aku okay!!!
uiks... cukup aaa nih... aku nak suruh students aku stop writing... SAT essay writing hanya 25 minutes ajek... okie tokie... till later... babai!
tak tahan... tak tahan... mengantuk tahap lanun aku nih... semalam aku balik lewat ada majlis kemudian sampai pagi aku tak dapat tidur... mata nih tak mau tidur plak... komdian baru nak lelap, jam lapan pagi dak Dila dah memekak suruh aku bangun mandi... hari nih aku kena hantar dia ke HUKM... adeis macam sengal aku nih kena menapak dari bawah bukit sinun... punya la banyak kereta kat parking lot situ... masa bangun pagi tadi tetiba perut aku memulas semacam... aku muntah-muntah... lembik aku rasa badan aku nih... maka terpaksalah aku batalkan niat aku untuk berpuasa... whattamannabadday!!!
nih... aku tengah tunggu students aku habiskan jawab TOEFL full practise test 5 kat dalam cd cambridge tuh... ntah ntah ada yang dah nampak aku tersenguk-senguk kat depan nih... dah la mengantuks adingdong kemudian kena invigilate bebudak nih pulak... groggy the veggie... nasib la aku kononnya dapat berselindung di belakang monitor besar nih... kononnnn... huargghhhh... zzzzz...
lepas nih aku tak pasti samada nak pergi lawat dak Dila atau tidak... mata aku memang dah tak menahan nih... adeiesss... perut aku pun dah memulas lapar nih... heran aku... lanih aku memang dah tapette kot... sikit-sikit lapar... kemudian... sikit-sikit ngantuks... dah tak machess macam dulu... aku rasa nak muntah la pulak...
erk... okaylah... tah hapa-hapa aku merapik nih... orang mengantuk la katakan... there! aku tersengguk lagi! hampesssh!
adios!!!
p/s:aku tengah quite sedih nih sebab terpaksa batalkan participation aku dalam Tony Buzan's workshop Ahad nih... tak dapat aku nak duduk dalam group Aristotle tuh... tapi nak buat macamana... aku nih kakak soleh la katakan... hahahah... sob sob sob... harapnya ada lagi opportunity aku nak attend such workshop...
jam 4.15 pagi... malam merdeka... bandar sri permaisuri... lagu akon "mr. lonely" sudah berkali-kali diputarkan oleh mp3... dapur sudah dibersihkan... bilik air sudah diberus... baju sudah dibasuh... hangers sudah disusun... peti ais sudah didefrost... tubuh badan sudah disegarkan oleh kesejukan air shower... mata belum mengantuk... students' essays masih banyak yang perlu diperiksa... adik aku aka housemate squatting di uia... esok dia dating ngan ehem ehem... tengah malam esok selepas training baru dia balik... aku? alone? yes/no... lonely? nahhh... belum lagi kot... erk...
kenapa aku membebel di dinihari begini? nothing... cuma terfikir... patah tumbuh hilang berganti... adat kehidupan... tapi tu la... ianya bukan cerita fantasi "jack and the beanstalk"... hari ini baling kacang esok dah tumbuh pokok kacang tinggi merimbun mencecah langit... ianya kehidupan realiti...
pause... aku sahur...
walaupun di kehidupan realiti taugeh boleh tumbuh semalaman tapi mungkin kita sukar untuk menerima sekiranya benih terung boleh membuahkan hasilnya semalaman... namun kuasa Tuhan tiada siapa dapat menghalang... kun fa ya kun... sabarkah aku? aku pasrah... hanya menanti apakah yang akan terjadi...
_________________________
JunkYard
mayday... mayday... mayday...
WARNING: aku tak tahu makhluk mana yang tulis ni...
i badly wanted to cry... i haven't cried since she went away... my last was at the year end 2003 in a hotel room... ampang... when i was so stressed out trying to complete my master thesis... but... these tears seemed obstructed... if only i could have that outburst... again... so far everything is kept in a huge fragile bubble... ready to pop i don't know when... 2005 is a sad year...
too many losses...
my mother... my dear friend/s... my focus... my memory, constantly... my compass... my directions...
i am losing myself...
now... i am yet to lose my father... almost... and my kindred sis... maybe...
i haven't recovered from my shock and my woe... now, this is happening in my life... frankly... i really don't have any idea what i'm thinking about... so many things yet so limited a capacity... i have so many fractured thoughts in my skull... sometimes i don't know what i am thinking about... see... i'm being redundant... i've told you that my mind is entangled in a messy webs of neurons, dendrites, bla bla bla...
people change... i dread changes... and this is one change that i never ever think it might happen... it seems like i'm seeing a stranger... i hardly know this stranger... not once in my naive life i ever think that this might happen to me... to me! i don't know about the others... they can take it easily i guess... but not me... i'm the eldest... yet i feel like a moron who passes by a village and takes shelter in one of the deserted houses... insignificant... an idiot who deserves only some kind of filtered information... a bit of it which travels from one stranger's lips to another stranger's lips... fine... apart from the other sore sights... i have to tolerate this! fair...
*sigh* sigh no more... i wish... but now, it gets deeper... in a crowd yet so lonely... this hurts... badly... *sigh*
my siblings said that i've lost my touch... i've lost the zest that i always have when i work... when i teach... when i communicate... when i breathe... when i do anything... eating... walking... sleeping... watching tv... they said i don't have it anymore...
well... i have to admit... i am afraid... i am so totally insecure... i don't think i know what i'm doing... dumbfoundedly clueless!
i was scolded for not completing my proposal... people said writing a proposal is easy... scoff... easy for them but not for me... not in the situation i am in from february until today... come to think of it... now i'm beginning to see why my fate is to stay up north... alas! i have the answer to the mystery... everything is taking its places...
can i run? can i wish for death? do i have enough strength? do i have to consume prozacs? again...
have faith dear... do have faith...
my confused spirits and emotions almost recovered during the days when i camped at jalan kent... now... everything returns to its starting points... jalan kent is so hallowed... i can't find comfort and warmth in it... somebody stole it... a powerful being... thank you for ripping away my happiness... things are never the same... i thought it would last but...
i was beginning and trying to learn to trust... again... but it didn't work... how foolish i am...
i hate them more than ever now... they know how to get in their ways... it is simple for each and everyone of them... as simple as abc's... too simple... too easy... good bye and hi hi... do i have it? uhuh... nope! jerk! because of them i lost my friends... because of them i lost my family... because of them i am no longer the same person today as what i was yesterdays... all... because of them... drats!
what the tut i'm talking about... as i said my mind is in its worst mess... that's why i've decided to write again... hopefully frequently this time... a good theraphy...
just ignore it when this expression smells garbage... it contains loads and loads of filthy glimy garbage... can't you see those big fat juicy maggots scrawling here and there? if you are attracted to this garbage... don't blame me... maybe you are one of the flies that tries to be sympathethic...
brahuha... blup... blup... blup... i don't need one... thank you...
sighnomore... once a merry and colourful garden now a gloomy and smelly junkyard... the earth and the outer space are fully loaded with rubbish... so what?!? if you can't beat it... join it!
huargghhh... my blood shot eyes are getting tired... i am so so tired of everything... i am going to escape all these for awhile... here i come my land of dreams...
tenswee! tenswee!tenswee!
note: honey, don't fret... i'm still the same sane miss eliza... phew... i still remember you and of course, i'll send you the files... hmmm... just need to find them somewhere in my hard disk... hehehe... by the way, thanks for visiting... the old outlook has gone kaput... i'm trying to redecorate "sighnomore" so that i won't sigh any more...
