it is so unfair... everytime i blog, it must be something sad and pathetic... what the heck... i guess this is the place where i can thrash out all those dirts...
hmmm... nothing much... i don't want to elaborate... i just want to jot down this...
I AM TERRIBLY SAD!
ok... till later i don't know when... erkk... don't misunderstood me... my life has been a lovely one... free floating spirit... a bliss... it is just this one time that i can't stand it...
all the best to me and may Allah bless my worldly journey as a lowly servant... amin...
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Muharram Comes Again...
Alhamdulillah.
It comes again and I am still alive to live the first day of the year.
I shouldn't say that this first day of the year was welcomed with joy and happiness. It was not. Sad memories it is full with. Recollections it is full with. Every single pieces was replayed vividly. Of those sorrow moments three years ago.
I reflected and recounted. I've found out that I've wasted so much time on nothing. I've found out that there are more to do in order to further know my own self. I've found out that need to progress in terms of being an 'abd and a khalifah.
I cried and cried and cried. But, crying won't help.
Stand up! Pull self together! March forward! Hijrah!
I promise myself that this new 1429 Hijrah year would be different. Insya-Allah.
It comes again and I am still alive to live the first day of the year.
I shouldn't say that this first day of the year was welcomed with joy and happiness. It was not. Sad memories it is full with. Recollections it is full with. Every single pieces was replayed vividly. Of those sorrow moments three years ago.
I reflected and recounted. I've found out that I've wasted so much time on nothing. I've found out that there are more to do in order to further know my own self. I've found out that need to progress in terms of being an 'abd and a khalifah.
I cried and cried and cried. But, crying won't help.
Stand up! Pull self together! March forward! Hijrah!
I promise myself that this new 1429 Hijrah year would be different. Insya-Allah.
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Mouth-Out the Slicky Worries
i can't sleep... i passed out after 6pm and woke up at 11pm... my body is still not functioning accordingly... luckily i will not be having any classes for these remaining days of the week...
yesterday i experienced series of vomitting and bloating... very bad indeed... everything was poured onto my bed... i was terribly weak and hardly had any strength to move my muscles... my sugar reading was 17.3... ayah called all my sisters and brothers to transfer his scolds to me... he would never speak directly to me... i don't understand why... then my sisters and brothers would scold me for having to bear ayah's nags which were all directed to me... they were the "media"... hmmm... funny huh? a unique father and the eldest child relationship... feel so sorry for my sisters and brothers...
i am still recuperating... they wanted to admit me into the wards but i told them i was ok...
am i ok?
uh uh uh... feel dizzy again...
yesterday i experienced series of vomitting and bloating... very bad indeed... everything was poured onto my bed... i was terribly weak and hardly had any strength to move my muscles... my sugar reading was 17.3... ayah called all my sisters and brothers to transfer his scolds to me... he would never speak directly to me... i don't understand why... then my sisters and brothers would scold me for having to bear ayah's nags which were all directed to me... they were the "media"... hmmm... funny huh? a unique father and the eldest child relationship... feel so sorry for my sisters and brothers...
i am still recuperating... they wanted to admit me into the wards but i told them i was ok...
am i ok?
uh uh uh... feel dizzy again...
blurry vision...
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Happy Celebrating 2008!
Salam Tahun Baru 2008!
Another year and another chapter of life. Indeed, how time flies.
It was a moment ago I jotted down my thoughts for the 2007 iltizam. 365 days ago and three years since my mom answered His call.
I am still the same me. But, with few pages of good differences on the chapters of my life. Wretched by trials and tribulations in terms of health and wealth, I am still standing strong in spirit and mind.
Alhamdulillah... I pray and hope that 2008 will bring better livelihood, better health and sufficient resources to support my brief worldly life. I do not hope for the beyond, just hope to became a better 'abd as time goes on.
Though I am not celebrating Masehi calendar year, it is my wish that 2008 will bring goodness for everybody on earth.
May 2008 bring joy and happiness to all!
Another year and another chapter of life. Indeed, how time flies.
It was a moment ago I jotted down my thoughts for the 2007 iltizam. 365 days ago and three years since my mom answered His call.
I am still the same me. But, with few pages of good differences on the chapters of my life. Wretched by trials and tribulations in terms of health and wealth, I am still standing strong in spirit and mind.
Alhamdulillah... I pray and hope that 2008 will bring better livelihood, better health and sufficient resources to support my brief worldly life. I do not hope for the beyond, just hope to became a better 'abd as time goes on.
Though I am not celebrating Masehi calendar year, it is my wish that 2008 will bring goodness for everybody on earth.
May 2008 bring joy and happiness to all!
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
don't walk... RUN!
It's not too late to wish Selamat Tahun Baru Masehi 2007 and the fact that Muharram is just around the corner - Selamat Tahun Baru Hijrah 1428!
Dah hampir dua tahun aku tidak menulis dengan kerap di SIGHNOMORE nih. Tidak mengapa, aku tidak gundah kerana aku ini bukannya blogger yang terkenal. Niat asal aku menulis pun hanya sebagai wadah ekspresi diri. Ada ke insan di luar sana yang kecewa kerana aku tidak selalu berkunjung di sini? Hmmm... I wonder...
Pejam celik pejam celik, dah hampir dua tahun juga mak meninggalkan kami dan dah hampir setahun ayah hidup ditemani makcik. Sejujurnya, aku gembira melihat ayah gembira dan sihat. Adik-adik aku pun dah stabil kehidupan mereka. Persoalannya, bagaimana aku?
Sad to say, aku masih campurtolak ditakuk yang sama. Hidup tanpa ada kerja tetap dan puas hati dengan kebebasan serta tanggungjawab aku terhadap beberapa kerat students yang ada di bawah jagaanku. Gembira? Sesuatu yang diragui. Tenang? Sesuatu yang abstrak. Mampu? Jauh sekali.
Namun apa yang pasti - dengan kedatangan 2007 dan 1428 ini, tekad aku hanya satu... berhenti dari menjadi "walking shadow"! It's about time for me to find comfort in being a solid form. Aku sudah letih menjadi bayang samada secara rela atau tidak. Aku mahu menjadi aku. Fikirkan hanya tentang aku. Aku. Aku. Aku.
Selfish? Tidak. Aku bukan manusia yang sebegitu. Aku cuma mahu merasai dan mengalami sendiri rasa menjadi objek utuh, bukan "bayang" seperti masa silamku. Semoga aku berjaya! May the Force be with me. Semoga Allah memberkati dan membantu aku di dalam perjalanan (perlarian?) baruku ini. Amin...
Dah hampir dua tahun aku tidak menulis dengan kerap di SIGHNOMORE nih. Tidak mengapa, aku tidak gundah kerana aku ini bukannya blogger yang terkenal. Niat asal aku menulis pun hanya sebagai wadah ekspresi diri. Ada ke insan di luar sana yang kecewa kerana aku tidak selalu berkunjung di sini? Hmmm... I wonder...
Pejam celik pejam celik, dah hampir dua tahun juga mak meninggalkan kami dan dah hampir setahun ayah hidup ditemani makcik. Sejujurnya, aku gembira melihat ayah gembira dan sihat. Adik-adik aku pun dah stabil kehidupan mereka. Persoalannya, bagaimana aku?
Sad to say, aku masih campurtolak ditakuk yang sama. Hidup tanpa ada kerja tetap dan puas hati dengan kebebasan serta tanggungjawab aku terhadap beberapa kerat students yang ada di bawah jagaanku. Gembira? Sesuatu yang diragui. Tenang? Sesuatu yang abstrak. Mampu? Jauh sekali.
Namun apa yang pasti - dengan kedatangan 2007 dan 1428 ini, tekad aku hanya satu... berhenti dari menjadi "walking shadow"! It's about time for me to find comfort in being a solid form. Aku sudah letih menjadi bayang samada secara rela atau tidak. Aku mahu menjadi aku. Fikirkan hanya tentang aku. Aku. Aku. Aku.
Selfish? Tidak. Aku bukan manusia yang sebegitu. Aku cuma mahu merasai dan mengalami sendiri rasa menjadi objek utuh, bukan "bayang" seperti masa silamku. Semoga aku berjaya! May the Force be with me. Semoga Allah memberkati dan membantu aku di dalam perjalanan (perlarian?) baruku ini. Amin...
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Who said?
I have not abandoned it...
it is just because...
errkk... busy?
errr... no Internet connection?
umm... lethargic?
hmm... super duper ill?
it is just because...
I'll be back...
SOON!
(",)
it is just because...
errkk... busy?
errr... no Internet connection?
umm... lethargic?
hmm... super duper ill?
it is just because...
I'll be back...
SOON!
(",)
Sunday, April 09, 2006
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
1 Muharram 1427 Hijrah
segala-galanya sudah selesai...
alhamdulillah...
sudah genap setahun...
semoga aruah senantiasa dicucuri Rahmat dan RahimNya...
hijrah ku perlu total!
alhamdulillah...
sudah genap setahun...
semoga aruah senantiasa dicucuri Rahmat dan RahimNya...
hijrah ku perlu total!
Saturday, December 31, 2005
2005: Lost Some. Gained Some?
yeah... this is the year... 2005
The Beginning.
greet the year with ear-to-ear smiles :-)
2005 Jan - taught great mushrooms and yamabushi
2005 Feb - lost her at the struck of 1st. Muharram
2005 Mac - made myself busy at Jalan Kent
2005 April - camped at Jalan Kent
2005 May - camped at Jalan Kent... still
2005 June - celebrated the 40 years...
2005 July (early) - nice bunch of PPOU kids (",)
2005 July (end) - defeated by reality
2005 August - a quiet birthday... a sour celebration...
2005 Sept - moment of silence
2005 Oct - the silence continued...
2005 Nov - definite decision! breach it!
2005 Dec - ... and he lives happily ever after...
leave the year with infinite numbness :-(
The End.
The Beginning.
greet the year with ear-to-ear smiles :-)
2005 Jan - taught great mushrooms and yamabushi
2005 Feb - lost her at the struck of 1st. Muharram
2005 Mac - made myself busy at Jalan Kent
2005 April - camped at Jalan Kent
2005 May - camped at Jalan Kent... still
2005 June - celebrated the 40 years...
2005 July (early) - nice bunch of PPOU kids (",)
2005 July (end) - defeated by reality
2005 August - a quiet birthday... a sour celebration...
2005 Sept - moment of silence
2005 Oct - the silence continued...
2005 Nov - definite decision! breach it!
2005 Dec - ... and he lives happily ever after...
leave the year with infinite numbness :-(
The End.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
kenapa? the unfinished...
have you ever felt so lethargic without any reasons and all you wish to do is to lie down on your back and freeze? yeah! that's my exact feeling at the moment. i wish to lie down and not to move any single muscle - ignoring the students' essays, the sound of squeking fan, the glaring lamp, the smell of rain, the everything -
sampai hati beliau buat kami begini. kami pun sunyi juga. kami pun kehilangan. kami pun perlukan kasih. kami pun perlukan sayang. kami masih rasa pedih. hati kami remuk. tapi kenapa beliau buat kami begini? kenapa beliau hanya fikir tentang kebahagiaan beliau sahaja? kenapa beliau tidak mahu ambil tahu apakah erti kebahagiaan sebenar buat kami? kami tidak mahu harta. huh! kini beliau asyik berkira dengan kami. penat menggemukkan kami, mungkin. kepedihan kami kian bertambah. hati kami sudah terserpih terbang melayang ditiup angin kemarau yang mampir.
fikiranku berkecamuk...
sampai hati beliau buat kami begini. kami pun sunyi juga. kami pun kehilangan. kami pun perlukan kasih. kami pun perlukan sayang. kami masih rasa pedih. hati kami remuk. tapi kenapa beliau buat kami begini? kenapa beliau hanya fikir tentang kebahagiaan beliau sahaja? kenapa beliau tidak mahu ambil tahu apakah erti kebahagiaan sebenar buat kami? kami tidak mahu harta. huh! kini beliau asyik berkira dengan kami. penat menggemukkan kami, mungkin. kepedihan kami kian bertambah. hati kami sudah terserpih terbang melayang ditiup angin kemarau yang mampir.
fikiranku berkecamuk...
Monday, November 28, 2005
numanuma yea!
"Dragostea Din Tea" Lyrics
(Original Version sung in Romanian by O-Zone)
Ma-ia-hii
Ma-ia-huu
Ma-ia-hoo
Ma-ia-haa
Alo Salut sunt eu un haiduc
Si te rog iubirea mea primeste fericirea.
Alo alo sunt eu Picasso
Ti-am dat beep si sunt voinic
Dar sa stii nu-ti cer nimic.
Vrei sa pleci dar nu ma nu ma iei
Nu ma nu ma iei nu ma nu ma nu ma iei.
Chipul tau si dragostea din tei
Mi-amintesc de ochii tai.
Te sun sa-ti spun ce simt acum
Alo iubirea mea sunt eu fericirea.
Alo alo sunt iarasi eu Picasso
Ti-am dat beep si sunt voinic
Dar sa stii nu-ti cer nimic.
Ma-ia-hii
Ma-ia-huu
Ma-ia-hoo
Ma-ia-haa
--------------
walaupun lagu ni macam hepi ajek
namun
penyu menangis siapa yang tahu?
erk... aku ni penyu ke?
pingu tuh macam boleh la jugak...
hahahahuhuhuhu...
malas nak cakap banyak
takde mood nak bersosial
until later lah...
Monday, November 21, 2005
dah lama sangat...
Mummy, you're a Type 4 - The Expressive
Friends, family, and colleagues likely appreciate you for this honest and expressive way of being. They're also apt to know that when they come to you with a problem, you'll offer them gentle, tactful advice, rich with examples from your own experience. As an Expressive, you're likely to be seen as someone who is strong in your own identity and in your perspective on life. Being a member of this type puts you in good company. Singer/songwriter Sarah McLachlan, with her evocative, personal lyrics, and Bob Dylan, with his distinctive and poetic voice, are also Type 4s.This means that compared to the eight other Enneagram types, you possess a strong sensitivity as well as a powerful creativity. Although you can often be introspective, that doesn't keep you from forming deep emotional connections with the people and places around you. In fact, your ability to search from within may just enrich your compassion and understanding.
~Tickle Analysis~
one word
"wish"
fantasi berbaur realiti
nasib labu dan labi = nasib mummy dan siblings
sungguh memualkan
sungguh menyesakkan
masa tetap berdetik
makin hampir makin sakit
ngotaiyo... ngotaiyo... ngotaiyo...
ahhh...
malas la aku nak cerita!
same difference!
Ramadhan dan Syawal 2005
tiada kata yang dapat merakam luka dan perit ini
Semoga aku tabah dan sabar...
Ini semua cobaan...
Cobaan...
Cobaan...
Cobaan...
Friends, family, and colleagues likely appreciate you for this honest and expressive way of being. They're also apt to know that when they come to you with a problem, you'll offer them gentle, tactful advice, rich with examples from your own experience. As an Expressive, you're likely to be seen as someone who is strong in your own identity and in your perspective on life. Being a member of this type puts you in good company. Singer/songwriter Sarah McLachlan, with her evocative, personal lyrics, and Bob Dylan, with his distinctive and poetic voice, are also Type 4s.This means that compared to the eight other Enneagram types, you possess a strong sensitivity as well as a powerful creativity. Although you can often be introspective, that doesn't keep you from forming deep emotional connections with the people and places around you. In fact, your ability to search from within may just enrich your compassion and understanding.
~Tickle Analysis~
one word
"wish"
fantasi berbaur realiti
nasib labu dan labi = nasib mummy dan siblings
sungguh memualkan
sungguh menyesakkan
masa tetap berdetik
makin hampir makin sakit
ngotaiyo... ngotaiyo... ngotaiyo...
ahhh...
malas la aku nak cerita!
same difference!
Ramadhan dan Syawal 2005
tiada kata yang dapat merakam luka dan perit ini
Semoga aku tabah dan sabar...
Ini semua cobaan...
Cobaan...
Cobaan...
Cobaan...
Friday, September 30, 2005
lethargic...
muahahaha... ketawa devilish... aku tengah memblog dan students aku pun tengah memblog juga di Medula Oblongata... cute huh?
tenswee aku sebab depa nih cukup payah nak update blog... kalau update pun asyik la nak cut and paste fwd messages ajek... nih nak kena lebih ajar mereka creative thinking nih... tapi tak apa... next week aku akan polish lagi depa punya kemahiran mind mapping... hari ni aku saja aje bagi mereka rehat sikit... the next hour aku nak suruh mereka buat SAT essay... pre-exercise... hehehe... naughty tul aku ni...
sejak hari selasa kemarin mereka pulun buat toefl exam... semalam aku tak dapat nak hantar group yang akhir sebab pancat... sengal-sengal badan aku lepas dua hari lepak kat kl... jenjalan di wisma kemayan, klcc - shopping di isetan dan kinokuniya, makan dan minum di starbuck, tarbush dan nasi lemak antarabangsa... pergh... mau naik lagi la berat aku... terma kasih dak boss sebab belanja o yang kedana nih... hehehe...
dak dila is getting better... rabu 21/9 sehingga sabtu 24/9 dia terbengkalai kena service kat ward surgery hukm... just like last year... tapi kali nih kerosakannya tak as chronic as last time... doktor sukumar pun takde... dah masuk spital private *sigh* tapi yang bestnya aku memang jadi kakak mithali... malam jumaat tuh aku tidur kat spital... melelas badan aku duduk kat kerusi tuh semalaman... komdian tak mandi plak tuh... bukannya sebab tak ada bilik air tapi sebab aku rasa macam sakit la pulak kalau mandi kat bilik air pesakit nih... psychologically... nak balik rumah? dak dila tak bagi balik dan aku pulak memang tak larat nak turun tangga tinggi kat parking lot hukm tuh... senang cakap... aku memang melelas lepak kat hukm tuh...
dak faiz, bayeed dan sue datang jenguk kami hari sabtu petang... malam tuh aku belanja bebudak nih dan dak hes 6 keping domino pizza large... perghhh... aku lepas makan terus tidur macam hampeh... hahahah... keesokkan paginya kami semua tersadai dan tersidai... lepas dak dila (errkk! terbuli budak sakit la pulak!) dan dak sue cari lauk tengahari... kami makan dan tidur lagi... hahahahha... aku cuba meracun dak faiz supaya ponteng sekolah hari senin but to no avail... skema sungguh mamat tuh... malam tuh lepas lawat pak ngah dan keluarga di saujana impian... semamat-semamat tuh pun balik... aku ngan dila balik bandar tasik permaisuri setelah dua kali tepoten-poten pusing kajang dan beli satay kajang...
so, malam ni aku ada dinner IKAL di palm garden... aku drag dak dila sekali... hahaha... hadiah pun aku dah beli... walaupun seketul mug namun harganya mahal nak mamps... 18 ringgit tuh... comel sangat... ada gambar lembu couple... rasa macam nak buruk siku ajek... hahahah...
hari sabtu ada makan-makan M2RAH kat umah es tapi aku tak rasa seronok sangat sebab once again ayla cannot make it... tak best aa tak cukup korum... hopefully next time ayla ada... so kami tak jadi beli kek sebab tak cukup korum... just makan-makan biasa ajek... hari ahad pulak insyaAllah aku dan dila akan naik bas ke johor jumpa dak angah, derih, piyyah, aser dan ayah serta bakal mak tiri aku... ulp... hahahaha... aku okay!!! aku okay!!!
uiks... cukup aaa nih... aku nak suruh students aku stop writing... SAT essay writing hanya 25 minutes ajek... okie tokie... till later... babai!
p/s: thank you roseusj (",)
tenswee aku sebab depa nih cukup payah nak update blog... kalau update pun asyik la nak cut and paste fwd messages ajek... nih nak kena lebih ajar mereka creative thinking nih... tapi tak apa... next week aku akan polish lagi depa punya kemahiran mind mapping... hari ni aku saja aje bagi mereka rehat sikit... the next hour aku nak suruh mereka buat SAT essay... pre-exercise... hehehe... naughty tul aku ni...
sejak hari selasa kemarin mereka pulun buat toefl exam... semalam aku tak dapat nak hantar group yang akhir sebab pancat... sengal-sengal badan aku lepas dua hari lepak kat kl... jenjalan di wisma kemayan, klcc - shopping di isetan dan kinokuniya, makan dan minum di starbuck, tarbush dan nasi lemak antarabangsa... pergh... mau naik lagi la berat aku... terma kasih dak boss sebab belanja o yang kedana nih... hehehe...
dak dila is getting better... rabu 21/9 sehingga sabtu 24/9 dia terbengkalai kena service kat ward surgery hukm... just like last year... tapi kali nih kerosakannya tak as chronic as last time... doktor sukumar pun takde... dah masuk spital private *sigh* tapi yang bestnya aku memang jadi kakak mithali... malam jumaat tuh aku tidur kat spital... melelas badan aku duduk kat kerusi tuh semalaman... komdian tak mandi plak tuh... bukannya sebab tak ada bilik air tapi sebab aku rasa macam sakit la pulak kalau mandi kat bilik air pesakit nih... psychologically... nak balik rumah? dak dila tak bagi balik dan aku pulak memang tak larat nak turun tangga tinggi kat parking lot hukm tuh... senang cakap... aku memang melelas lepak kat hukm tuh...
dak faiz, bayeed dan sue datang jenguk kami hari sabtu petang... malam tuh aku belanja bebudak nih dan dak hes 6 keping domino pizza large... perghhh... aku lepas makan terus tidur macam hampeh... hahahah... keesokkan paginya kami semua tersadai dan tersidai... lepas dak dila (errkk! terbuli budak sakit la pulak!) dan dak sue cari lauk tengahari... kami makan dan tidur lagi... hahahahha... aku cuba meracun dak faiz supaya ponteng sekolah hari senin but to no avail... skema sungguh mamat tuh... malam tuh lepas lawat pak ngah dan keluarga di saujana impian... semamat-semamat tuh pun balik... aku ngan dila balik bandar tasik permaisuri setelah dua kali tepoten-poten pusing kajang dan beli satay kajang...
so, malam ni aku ada dinner IKAL di palm garden... aku drag dak dila sekali... hahaha... hadiah pun aku dah beli... walaupun seketul mug namun harganya mahal nak mamps... 18 ringgit tuh... comel sangat... ada gambar lembu couple... rasa macam nak buruk siku ajek... hahahah...
hari sabtu ada makan-makan M2RAH kat umah es tapi aku tak rasa seronok sangat sebab once again ayla cannot make it... tak best aa tak cukup korum... hopefully next time ayla ada... so kami tak jadi beli kek sebab tak cukup korum... just makan-makan biasa ajek... hari ahad pulak insyaAllah aku dan dila akan naik bas ke johor jumpa dak angah, derih, piyyah, aser dan ayah serta bakal mak tiri aku... ulp... hahahaha... aku okay!!! aku okay!!!
uiks... cukup aaa nih... aku nak suruh students aku stop writing... SAT essay writing hanya 25 minutes ajek... okie tokie... till later... babai!
p/s: thank you roseusj (",)
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
kolong! kolong!
tak tahan... tak tahan... mengantuk tahap lanun aku nih... semalam aku balik lewat ada majlis kemudian sampai pagi aku tak dapat tidur... mata nih tak mau tidur plak... komdian baru nak lelap, jam lapan pagi dak Dila dah memekak suruh aku bangun mandi... hari nih aku kena hantar dia ke HUKM... adeis macam sengal aku nih kena menapak dari bawah bukit sinun... punya la banyak kereta kat parking lot situ... masa bangun pagi tadi tetiba perut aku memulas semacam... aku muntah-muntah... lembik aku rasa badan aku nih... maka terpaksalah aku batalkan niat aku untuk berpuasa... whattamannabadday!!!
nih... aku tengah tunggu students aku habiskan jawab TOEFL full practise test 5 kat dalam cd cambridge tuh... ntah ntah ada yang dah nampak aku tersenguk-senguk kat depan nih... dah la mengantuks adingdong kemudian kena invigilate bebudak nih pulak... groggy the veggie... nasib la aku kononnya dapat berselindung di belakang monitor besar nih... kononnnn... huargghhhh... zzzzz...
lepas nih aku tak pasti samada nak pergi lawat dak Dila atau tidak... mata aku memang dah tak menahan nih... adeiesss... perut aku pun dah memulas lapar nih... heran aku... lanih aku memang dah tapette kot... sikit-sikit lapar... kemudian... sikit-sikit ngantuks... dah tak machess macam dulu... aku rasa nak muntah la pulak...
erk... okaylah... tah hapa-hapa aku merapik nih... orang mengantuk la katakan... there! aku tersengguk lagi! hampesssh!
adios!!!
p/s: aku tengah quite sedih nih sebab terpaksa batalkan participation aku dalam Tony Buzan's workshop Ahad nih... tak dapat aku nak duduk dalam group Aristotle tuh... tapi nak buat macamana... aku nih kakak soleh la katakan... hahahah... sob sob sob... harapnya ada lagi opportunity aku nak attend such workshop...
nih... aku tengah tunggu students aku habiskan jawab TOEFL full practise test 5 kat dalam cd cambridge tuh... ntah ntah ada yang dah nampak aku tersenguk-senguk kat depan nih... dah la mengantuks adingdong kemudian kena invigilate bebudak nih pulak... groggy the veggie... nasib la aku kononnya dapat berselindung di belakang monitor besar nih... kononnnn... huargghhhh... zzzzz...
lepas nih aku tak pasti samada nak pergi lawat dak Dila atau tidak... mata aku memang dah tak menahan nih... adeiesss... perut aku pun dah memulas lapar nih... heran aku... lanih aku memang dah tapette kot... sikit-sikit lapar... kemudian... sikit-sikit ngantuks... dah tak machess macam dulu... aku rasa nak muntah la pulak...
erk... okaylah... tah hapa-hapa aku merapik nih... orang mengantuk la katakan... there! aku tersengguk lagi! hampesssh!
adios!!!
p/s: aku tengah quite sedih nih sebab terpaksa batalkan participation aku dalam Tony Buzan's workshop Ahad nih... tak dapat aku nak duduk dalam group Aristotle tuh... tapi nak buat macamana... aku nih kakak soleh la katakan... hahahah... sob sob sob... harapnya ada lagi opportunity aku nak attend such workshop...
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
A Delayed Posting: Merdeka?
MERDEKA RAMBLES...
jam 4.15 pagi... malam merdeka... bandar sri permaisuri... lagu akon "mr. lonely" sudah berkali-kali diputarkan oleh mp3... dapur sudah dibersihkan... bilik air sudah diberus... baju sudah dibasuh... hangers sudah disusun... peti ais sudah didefrost... tubuh badan sudah disegarkan oleh kesejukan air shower... mata belum mengantuk... students' essays masih banyak yang perlu diperiksa... adik aku aka housemate squatting di uia... esok dia dating ngan ehem ehem... tengah malam esok selepas training baru dia balik... aku? alone? yes/no... lonely? nahhh... belum lagi kot... erk...
kenapa aku membebel di dinihari begini? nothing... cuma terfikir... patah tumbuh hilang berganti... adat kehidupan... tapi tu la... ianya bukan cerita fantasi "jack and the beanstalk"... hari ini baling kacang esok dah tumbuh pokok kacang tinggi merimbun mencecah langit... ianya kehidupan realiti...
pause... aku sahur...
walaupun di kehidupan realiti taugeh boleh tumbuh semalaman tapi mungkin kita sukar untuk menerima sekiranya benih terung boleh membuahkan hasilnya semalaman... namun kuasa Tuhan tiada siapa dapat menghalang... kun fa ya kun... sabarkah aku? aku pasrah... hanya menanti apakah yang akan terjadi...
_________________________
JunkYard
mayday... mayday... mayday...
WARNING: aku tak tahu makhluk mana yang tulis ni...
i badly wanted to cry... i haven't cried since she went away... my last was at the year end 2003 in a hotel room... ampang... when i was so stressed out trying to complete my master thesis... but... these tears seemed obstructed... if only i could have that outburst... again... so far everything is kept in a huge fragile bubble... ready to pop i don't know when... 2005 is a sad year...
too many losses...
my mother... my dear friend/s... my focus... my memory, constantly... my compass... my directions...
i am losing myself...
now... i am yet to lose my father... almost... and my kindred sis... maybe...
i haven't recovered from my shock and my woe... now, this is happening in my life... frankly... i really don't have any idea what i'm thinking about... so many things yet so limited a capacity... i have so many fractured thoughts in my skull... sometimes i don't know what i am thinking about... see... i'm being redundant... i've told you that my mind is entangled in a messy webs of neurons, dendrites, bla bla bla...
people change... i dread changes... and this is one change that i never ever think it might happen... it seems like i'm seeing a stranger... i hardly know this stranger... not once in my naive life i ever think that this might happen to me... to me! i don't know about the others... they can take it easily i guess... but not me... i'm the eldest... yet i feel like a moron who passes by a village and takes shelter in one of the deserted houses... insignificant... an idiot who deserves only some kind of filtered information... a bit of it which travels from one stranger's lips to another stranger's lips... fine... apart from the other sore sights... i have to tolerate this! fair...
*sigh*
sigh no more...
i wish...
but now, it gets deeper...
in a crowd yet so lonely...
this hurts...
badly...
*sigh*
my siblings said that i've lost my touch... i've lost the zest that i always have when i work... when i teach... when i communicate... when i breathe... when i do anything... eating... walking... sleeping... watching tv... they said i don't have it anymore...
well... i have to admit... i am afraid... i am so totally insecure... i don't think i know what i'm doing... dumbfoundedly clueless!
i was scolded for not completing my proposal... people said writing a proposal is easy... scoff... easy for them but not for me... not in the situation i am in from february until today... come to think of it... now i'm beginning to see why my fate is to stay up north... alas! i have the answer to the mystery... everything is taking its places...
can i run? can i wish for death? do i have enough strength? do i have to consume prozacs? again...
have faith dear... do have faith...
my confused spirits and emotions almost recovered during the days when i camped at jalan kent... now... everything returns to its starting points... jalan kent is so hallowed... i can't find comfort and warmth in it... somebody stole it... a powerful being... thank you for ripping away my happiness... things are never the same... i thought it would last but...
i was beginning and trying to learn to trust... again... but it didn't work... how foolish i am...
i hate them more than ever now... they know how to get in their ways... it is simple for each and everyone of them... as simple as abc's... too simple... too easy... good bye and hi hi... do i have it? uhuh... nope! jerk! because of them i lost my friends... because of them i lost my family... because of them i am no longer the same person today as what i was yesterdays... all... because of them... drats!
what the tut i'm talking about... as i said my mind is in its worst mess... that's why i've decided to write again... hopefully frequently this time... a good theraphy...
just ignore it when this expression smells garbage... it contains loads and loads of filthy glimy garbage... can't you see those big fat juicy maggots scrawling here and there? if you are attracted to this garbage... don't blame me... maybe you are one of the flies that tries to be sympathethic...
brahuha... blup... blup... blup... i don't need one... thank you...
sighnomore... once a merry and colourful garden now a gloomy and smelly junkyard... the earth and the outer space are fully loaded with rubbish... so what?!? if you can't beat it... join it!
huargghhh... my blood shot eyes are getting tired... i am so so tired of everything... i am going to escape all these for awhile... here i come my land of dreams...
tenswee! tenswee! tenswee!
jam 4.15 pagi... malam merdeka... bandar sri permaisuri... lagu akon "mr. lonely" sudah berkali-kali diputarkan oleh mp3... dapur sudah dibersihkan... bilik air sudah diberus... baju sudah dibasuh... hangers sudah disusun... peti ais sudah didefrost... tubuh badan sudah disegarkan oleh kesejukan air shower... mata belum mengantuk... students' essays masih banyak yang perlu diperiksa... adik aku aka housemate squatting di uia... esok dia dating ngan ehem ehem... tengah malam esok selepas training baru dia balik... aku? alone? yes/no... lonely? nahhh... belum lagi kot... erk...
kenapa aku membebel di dinihari begini? nothing... cuma terfikir... patah tumbuh hilang berganti... adat kehidupan... tapi tu la... ianya bukan cerita fantasi "jack and the beanstalk"... hari ini baling kacang esok dah tumbuh pokok kacang tinggi merimbun mencecah langit... ianya kehidupan realiti...
pause... aku sahur...
walaupun di kehidupan realiti taugeh boleh tumbuh semalaman tapi mungkin kita sukar untuk menerima sekiranya benih terung boleh membuahkan hasilnya semalaman... namun kuasa Tuhan tiada siapa dapat menghalang... kun fa ya kun... sabarkah aku? aku pasrah... hanya menanti apakah yang akan terjadi...
_________________________
JunkYard
mayday... mayday... mayday...
WARNING: aku tak tahu makhluk mana yang tulis ni...
i badly wanted to cry... i haven't cried since she went away... my last was at the year end 2003 in a hotel room... ampang... when i was so stressed out trying to complete my master thesis... but... these tears seemed obstructed... if only i could have that outburst... again... so far everything is kept in a huge fragile bubble... ready to pop i don't know when... 2005 is a sad year...
too many losses...
my mother... my dear friend/s... my focus... my memory, constantly... my compass... my directions...
i am losing myself...
now... i am yet to lose my father... almost... and my kindred sis... maybe...
i haven't recovered from my shock and my woe... now, this is happening in my life... frankly... i really don't have any idea what i'm thinking about... so many things yet so limited a capacity... i have so many fractured thoughts in my skull... sometimes i don't know what i am thinking about... see... i'm being redundant... i've told you that my mind is entangled in a messy webs of neurons, dendrites, bla bla bla...
people change... i dread changes... and this is one change that i never ever think it might happen... it seems like i'm seeing a stranger... i hardly know this stranger... not once in my naive life i ever think that this might happen to me... to me! i don't know about the others... they can take it easily i guess... but not me... i'm the eldest... yet i feel like a moron who passes by a village and takes shelter in one of the deserted houses... insignificant... an idiot who deserves only some kind of filtered information... a bit of it which travels from one stranger's lips to another stranger's lips... fine... apart from the other sore sights... i have to tolerate this! fair...
*sigh*
sigh no more...
i wish...
but now, it gets deeper...
in a crowd yet so lonely...
this hurts...
badly...
*sigh*
my siblings said that i've lost my touch... i've lost the zest that i always have when i work... when i teach... when i communicate... when i breathe... when i do anything... eating... walking... sleeping... watching tv... they said i don't have it anymore...
well... i have to admit... i am afraid... i am so totally insecure... i don't think i know what i'm doing... dumbfoundedly clueless!
i was scolded for not completing my proposal... people said writing a proposal is easy... scoff... easy for them but not for me... not in the situation i am in from february until today... come to think of it... now i'm beginning to see why my fate is to stay up north... alas! i have the answer to the mystery... everything is taking its places...
can i run? can i wish for death? do i have enough strength? do i have to consume prozacs? again...
have faith dear... do have faith...
my confused spirits and emotions almost recovered during the days when i camped at jalan kent... now... everything returns to its starting points... jalan kent is so hallowed... i can't find comfort and warmth in it... somebody stole it... a powerful being... thank you for ripping away my happiness... things are never the same... i thought it would last but...
i was beginning and trying to learn to trust... again... but it didn't work... how foolish i am...
i hate them more than ever now... they know how to get in their ways... it is simple for each and everyone of them... as simple as abc's... too simple... too easy... good bye and hi hi... do i have it? uhuh... nope! jerk! because of them i lost my friends... because of them i lost my family... because of them i am no longer the same person today as what i was yesterdays... all... because of them... drats!
what the tut i'm talking about... as i said my mind is in its worst mess... that's why i've decided to write again... hopefully frequently this time... a good theraphy...
just ignore it when this expression smells garbage... it contains loads and loads of filthy glimy garbage... can't you see those big fat juicy maggots scrawling here and there? if you are attracted to this garbage... don't blame me... maybe you are one of the flies that tries to be sympathethic...
brahuha... blup... blup... blup... i don't need one... thank you...
sighnomore... once a merry and colourful garden now a gloomy and smelly junkyard... the earth and the outer space are fully loaded with rubbish... so what?!? if you can't beat it... join it!
huargghhh... my blood shot eyes are getting tired... i am so so tired of everything... i am going to escape all these for awhile... here i come my land of dreams...
tenswee! tenswee! tenswee!
note: honey, don't fret... i'm still the same sane miss eliza... phew... i still remember you and of course, i'll send you the files... hmmm... just need to find them somewhere in my hard disk... hehehe... by the way, thanks for visiting... the old outlook has gone kaput... i'm trying to redecorate "sighnomore" so that i won't sigh any more...
Monday, August 29, 2005
watta man...
segala-galanya memang tak best...
template sighnomore aku yang ori dulu pun dah hilang... sedihnya...
dah la aku masih hilang fokus gara-gara dek "kesengalan" di akhir bulan Julai...
anyway,
HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY to myself
dan
CONGRATULATION for the GRADUATION
to adikku Dila...
i'm still sulking...
i'm still sighing...
majuk aaa cannih!!!
Sunday, July 31, 2005
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Saturday, May 28, 2005
Saturday, April 30, 2005
wallaweh...
testing
one two three...
testing
one two three...
okay...
fine...
i'm still in touch with the earth...
thank god!
::
::
::
one two three...
testing
one two three...
okay...
fine...
i'm still in touch with the earth...
thank god!
::
::
::
