Wind of Change

friday, i had a two-hours replacement class with my students... we continued with the discussion on charlie's, the protagonist of Flowers for Algernon, progress reports after he came back from the convention in chicago and we analysed the highlighted lines together... it struck my senses into a swelling numbness when the issue on people's acceptance of changes was put under the blazing spotlight...

zoom in - 75% magnification

Charlie Gordon was a mentally retarded adult of 32 years old. Due to his determination and eager intention to get smart and to make many friends, he was chosen by Prof. Nemur and Dr. Strauss as a "specimen" in an experiment to increase human's intelligence through a brain surgery. The experiment was proved to be a success, initially, when it was performed on Algernon, a white mouse. After the operation, Charlie's IQ had increased from 70 into an IQ of 185. He was a complete genius. A genius who was able to speak many languages including the ancients' and also to digest and discuss unlimited branches of knowledge from the fields of literature, politics, religion, arithmetics, psychology, and many more. His sky-rocketed intelligence, though it was not proportionate with his emotional development, had obviously turned him into another different person. The once innocent and likeable Charlie ceased to exist anymore. He had become a new Charlie. His changes scared his friends at the bakery, irritated Alice Kinnian - his former teacher and his present lover -, and intimidated Prof. Nemur's intelligence as the mastermind of the experiment.

The heat started when we were discussing about Charlie's intention to meet his father, Matt, and tell him that he was Charlie, the son that he had left at the bakery under the hand of Mr. Donner. However, Charlie faced an internal dilemma whether to introduce himself or not. He kept quiet, unable to find the strength to uncover the truth that he was no longer Matt's dumb son. Fear enveloped him. He was afraid Matt could not accept his change.

I wasn't his son. That was another Charlie. Intelligence and knowledge had changed me, and he would resent me - as the others from the bakery resented me - because my growth diminished him. I didn't want that.

I asked my students, "Is it true that people can not accept changes that have happened to their relatives or their best friends?"

They answered, "Yessss... it is difficult for us to do so."

"But why? I don't understand... why must we afraid of changes? Okay... fine... there should be difficulties to accept changes if those changes direct our relatives or friends into an abyss of darkness but I think that there should be nothing wrong if those changes are into betterment... for the positives. Erk... can somebody please enlighten me? I am a bit confused by your response."

One of them answered, "C'mon Miss... are you sure that it is easy for you to accept changes? If I were Charlie's father, I would run away after Charlie told me that he was my son. Changed and intelligent. No... no not me... Sure it is difficult for me to accept changes especially from those who are very dear to me. Drastic changes would be the most difficult one. Eventhough a person is changing infront of me... still... I would have to take some time to adjust myself in knowing and accepting the new he/she."

"Yup! Well-explained... yet I am still wondering on the most convincing reason of why it is truly difficult for us to accept changes. We need to change in order to be successful. We need to change in order to become progressive beings. We need changes. Therefore, it is not too much to assume that people should accept changes open-mindedly. Shouldn't they? Shouldn't we? And then why a change in someone that is close to us seems like a threatening matter to be dealt with? Why? Any other views on this matter?

The discussion went on and on and on. I kept throwing questions and confusions to exercise their creative mind. The class ended with lots of issues to be further pondered... treatment of mentally retarded adults by the society... the pros and cons of "playing God"... intelligence vs. emotion... etc.

zoom out - end of magnification

I was deeply satisfied... yet... confused. Satisfied because my students were actively using their brains. Confused... because... yup! I am just a human. The one with many flaws and rooms for improvement. Though I view changes healthily, still, it is difficult for me to accept any observable changes that are happening to my closest friends and relatives. I am confused because I still do not know why I feel that way. I shouldn't. It is not fair for my closest ones to not change just because I don't want them to. They have the very rights to mould their own life and their own personality. I should not be that hideous boulder to block a river from flowing in peace.

Anyway, one thing for sure. I know that I am changing too. Unfortunately, my changes are those the not-good-ones. I do not know whether it is noticeable in the eyes of the others. Dila definitely notices it because she is here besides me 24/7. Yup! I notice it too and I totally do not like it even a bit. I want to be the old Mummy again. I do not want this ugly stupid Mummy. The difficulty to accept observable changes in my closest ones is one of the reasons that has triggered the changes. It made me tacky and careless with my words. Those words which I believe might leave scars in their hearts.

Yup! It is true. The closest you are with somebody, the most difficult it is to say out loud what you feel and what you think. There are hearts to not be slashed into pieces. There are feelings to not be scratched. There are souls to not be bathed in tears and blood. We are living in a cultured society, a complete Muslim Malay culture and tradition. There are ways, nice and polite ways, to say no and to disagree with others. The inability to communicate those ways would make matters worse. Friendship and ukhuwwah are unwillingly placed in a great jeopardy. Matters worsen. Life is just a pretense. On the surface, we smile at each others and exchange hugs and kisses. Deep down inside, there seems to exist a silent feud, ready to tear two innocent souls apart.

And... these are all because of the inability to accept changes in others with an open-heart. To let time beats us. To let the sound of ticking clock booms in our ears. To accept things as they are. We are evolving. We change with the every passing of time. It is impossible to stay young forever. Sooner or later, we will have to carry adult responsibilities on our shoulders. There is no room for brahuha. There is no room for late night escapades. There is no room for giggles and merriments. Isn't there any room? Or, is it us who cast away those rooms?

Hence, I rest my thoughts for tonight and hoping that the remaining one week in Shah Alam would bring me joy and happiness...


Whistle Down the Wind

Whistle down the wind
Let your voices carry
Drown out all the rain
Light a patch of darkness
Treacherous and scary

Howl at the stars
Whisper when you're sleepy
I'll be there to hold you
I'll be there to stop
The chills and all the weeping

Make it clear and strong
So the whole night long
Every signal that you send
Until the very end
I will not abandon you my precious friend

So try and stand the tide
Then you'll raise a banner
Send a flare up in the sky
Try to burn a torch
And try to build a bonfire

Every signal that you send
Until the very end
I'm there

So whistle down the wind
For I have always been
Right there
Oh yeah