Alhamdulillah... Alas! The broadband is back!
I was insufficiently connected with the world last week. The ADSL is still kaput, the EzNet is too slow and the broadband was in Mersing, following its owner... huhuhuh... As Angah arrived last night, my face glowed with hope and happiness. Yup! When you are used to having such facility, to be deprived makes you restless and aimless. Bad huh? C'mon. Think about those of have nots. I should be grateful. Though I am not as rich as the others [read: rich is a subjective concept], at least my basic necessities are filled. I still can afford to eat rice with nyummy dishes twice a day. I still have a shelter and my own room. I still have a car - though now I'm driving Dila's auto car - to move around. I still have clothes to wear though they seem like my daily uniform. Above all, I still have. That's the more reason for constantly being grateful.
This reminds me of the day when I went out to hang with friends in three different places on previous Thursday. KLCC, Pavillion and KL Central. We had a marvellous galla day. It has been years since I did such kind of activities - hanging out with friends, eating good food, watching movies. I am fortunate to be blessed with good friends who are there in moments of happiness and in moments of sadness. They nicely treated me on many occasions. I promise myself that later, when we hang out again, I'll be the one who will treat them. It is just that I need to earn enough in order to be able to do such. It feels bad when friends came from afar, yet I don't have enough. I always scold myself for being a loser, useless, busuk, and tapette. My sisters would scold me and tell me that I am never such. They said that I am hardworking yet, only people do not appreciate what I've done. Two institutions are still owing me a huge sum of payment which I should get sometime in October 2008. Too bad. But, that's the path that I have decided upon. To become a part-timer. I want to focus on my study. I do not want bosses to dictate my study life and it is also in compliance with my deteriorating health conditions. Nope! I am not sighing. I am grateful for what I have now. It only bothers me when sometimes I feel oppressed by the society. In times like this, I would remind myself to not become an opressor.
Another recollection, on Thursday, I had lunch in KLCC. I ate McD's Double Beef Prosperity Burger. However, with every bite I felt a stinging pain inside. Guilt. I was thinking of the have nots around me. There I was eating a RM21 burger. For RM21 I can buy four plates of rice with decent dishes. I wasted the money [read: given by Dila] on this stupid hideous gluttony desire of mine. Who is getting properous? Did I feel or become prosperous? Nope. I still feel bad. Thinking of the social justice and of how what I have learnt was not transformed into wise practices. Bad. It was even worse when I ate at Kenny Rogers for dinner. Though my friends treated me this, I was partly to be blamed for asking my friend to treat me such. Bad. Bad. I am an accomplice to the social injustice. I wasted Dila's and my friend's money on private whims and whisicals. Bad. Bad. Bad.
Friday, the guilt was greatly enhanced. A friend treated me in a Muslim Chinese restaurant. Spending RM100+ for a plate of rice and some other dishes. Again, an accomplice to social injustice. To being in Prof's class has made me realised that all these while I was deviated from the right path that I was originally in. Whatever he preaches in theory was already practiced by me in practice, through my societal involvement. However, as a every limited person, I tend to forget. Following the desires, I was swayed from the path. I was reminded of that, again, after a soul-enriching talk at a camp near Alang Sedayu. Thank you abang Olin for that great reminder. I have waited all these years and only that night I understood. Nothing can describe how grateful I am.
Okie tokie, enough of this contemplation for the day. I have to be involved with and in the world in order to achieve that divine aim. May Allah bless me!
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