"Mati itu wajib." Words of wisdom from my Guru. Sustenance for the worldly livelihood.
The theme of death.
Yesterday was the worst. I experienced an amalgamation of feelings. Two death news in a row. Of a person who was dear to me and of a person who was dear to friends of mine. At the same time recollecting my experience facing my mother's death. The event was vividly rolling like film slides in my mind. Suddenly. Am very grateful that there was an ardent listener. Though I narrated the event in a matter-of-factly kind of way, inside, it was flooding. Today, another death news that made me a bit startled. Of my student's father. What more of those deaths in Gaza [though the media have changed their interests onto Obama's inauguration, it seems]. Who is next? Me? You?
Death will invite us whether we like it or not. Death will invite us whether we are prepared or not. What have I done to face death in its suddenness? I am still mulling about the world. I am still musing about the here-gains. I am still complaining about this and that. I am still unable to take care of the amanah bestowed upon me. I am still. The list goes on.
If death were a door marked exit, would I not open and walk through it.
A note encrypted [read: written with marker-pen] on Prof's whiteboard.
A question was once asked to me. What kind of death do you pray to have?
Well, I pray that it ends like this. I am in a battle field. Fighting valiantly. Though both arms and both legs are amputated, my mouth is still chanting and my mind is still reciting. It ends when there is a stinging stabbing pain goes right through my heart. Smiling. Arms open wide. Eyes looking up, longingly. Reaching towards Him.
Then, a question would follow. Do I have the courage?
Am blogging from the RC. This Monday is not like previous Monday. I got lethargic as soon as I woke up and it prevailed until now, 12.36pm. I am not sure why but body seems to experience chill since Friday despite the bright sunny hot day. I thought it was due to the cool wind. All my joints are cold. I even wore Faiz's orange windbreaker to class on Friday. I regret of not wearing the breakie today as the feeling is almost the same. Is this the sign of the approaching death?
I am supposed to complete my translation and in fact, it was due on the 15th. Yeah, I know. It was overdue. However, with my unstable health condition that affects my mental capacity, I am unable to proceed. Plus the fact that there is no incentive at all from the one who hires me. If I were to ask people to help me with things, professionally, I would, first, contact the person myself and get to know him or her on my own without any middle person. Second, discuss the terms and conditions including the rate and method of payment. Third, upon receival, email or contact the one who has kindly helped me immediately and give my thanks and feedback. Finally, to pay that person upon the acceptance of one complete translation piece. In my case, none of the above happened to me. I feel used and not appreciated. I get more sensitive in my dire state of poverty. And, that is what I meant when I said "there is no incentive". No booster at all. This makes me revolt and seems to be in mutual agreement with my state of being i.e. the tapet health condition. Hmmm... Am not sure whether I've displayed my thoughts in clarity or not. My tummy is also aching. Dang that bitter gourd fusion! My sugar kinda get low but my flatulence is getting crazy.
Well... Today, I am going to have class until 9.30pm. I am still considering whether or not to buy myself a flask of Kopie Satu. This morning Angah gave Dila RM50 and we shared the money. I got thirty and Dila told me not to use it lavishly. It is the last sekopek piece as Angah has only RM50 for herself too. Tragis.. Tragis...
Okie tokie... nak sambung tengok Sindarela... muahahahah... the medicine for boredom. How I am glad we have YouTube. Yippie!!!
Waking up with a tummy ache and a tapette feeling is not an ideal way to begin a whole new day. Yet, that was my experience this morning.
I thought it was just nervousness. I almost blamed it to the effect of a teaspoon of nigella sativa (habbatussauda') that I consumed before going to bed last night. When I arrived at the HS canteen at 7am, my face was in its whole sourness and bitterness being. The pain was unbearable. I just ate a small plate of meehoon (+- 5 spoons) and drank my mineral water. Wow! It truly felt bad. I thought to myself, I've never felt this way before, it should be just like any ordinary presentations that I had delivered. Before reaching the class, I decided to weigh whether it was out of nervousness or just a biological reaction. Yup! A wise decision. Ultimately, it was that disastrous toxic gasses. I flushed them out well. Yup! I was totally ready to deliver my piece of thought.
My presentation on "Knowledge and Islamization" went well, I guess. I was terribly nervous with cold hands and cold feet. Why? Just because of Kak Tim's and Angah's existence in the class. I always feel a bit inferior when doing a public speaking activity infront of Kak Tim. Now, Angah added to the nervousness because it was the first time I presented in English infront of my own blood and flesh sister... huhuhuu...
I was given 30 minutes but the whole event (plus the Q&A session) took almost one and a half hour. Was that a good sign or not? My audience were attentive and I didn't get any 'killer' questions from the floor. Relief. I was confused myself. Did they really understand my thoughts on the topic. At the end of the class, after Prof added his points and comments, my classmates told Kak Tim (my co-presenter who answered most of the questions) that they really had understood my piece. The ideas were clear and they even asked for the softcopy of my powerpoint notes. I smiled. Alhamdulillah. The topic was not an easy one as I compared the difference between Western vs. Islamic epistemology and also explained the concept of Islamization of knowledge as proposed my Prof. Al-Attas. The ideas were quite complex for me to simplify as they dealt with the right choice of words and also the metaphysics aspects. I am truly grateful that my Arab classmates were able to follow the progression of my discussion. I hope I have done justice.
After completing my resposibility as the presenter of the day, Kak Tim, Angah and I went for Kyros Kebab. Terribly hungry [read: my tummy ache had finally disappeared!], I ate one huge lamb kebab wrap plus cucumber lime ice blended. Sinful. If only my traditional doctor (not the future-going-to-be-doctor one) knew about this. By the way, he smsed me to get the day's sugar reading. Yet, I didn't reply. Not because I wanted to dampen his curiousity but my Maxis line was eventually being put into coma for awhile. Yelp! Yelp! Anybody out there is kind enough to donate to this poor student and give life to her communication line?
Anyway, after lunch (on Angah... hehehe), we went to the bank for me to "pau" Angah. She gave me RM50 and treated me with a flask-full of Kopie Satu Calipso. Another sin. Muah muah... sayang Angah (",) May Allah give her good health and a balanced state of hormones to finishing her dissertation on a comparative study between Al-'Arabi's and Hamzah Fansuri's poems. We loitered at the members' counter and got to know that there would be a demonstration in front of the bank. Wahhh... it was very exciting indeed. The martial arts demo went well and they got a good number of audience including a group of golden age Japanese visitors who were collecting signatures to go against wars and also some foreign students. It was a merry event and Adil was a good spokesman. Promoting something that is dearly related to our culture and heart is a noble act indeed. Well done demo squad and the rest (including the cake sellers too)! Oh, by the way, Kak Tim was also teruja as this was the first time she witnessed the martial arts that her daughter joined and yet to complete the syllabus.
After gallavanting at the central and meeting Arif with his "friend", we went back to the mothership for me to wait for my 3.30 class at the RC and for Angah to go back home and enjoy her sustenance, the supply of sour young mangoes. Personally, I think that 6610 is mostly repetition of what we have learnt before in 6620 and 6640. Only this time when being tested by Pak Aziz, I would be dumbfounded most of the time. I am experiencing memory failure. This really worries me. Oh ya! I submitted my assignment! Alas!
Adila fetched me at 7pm. Traffic jam infront of her school gate she said. It was due to the pasar malam nearby her school. Hmmm... Luckily I was entertained and amused by the image of a green+yellow coloured car that belongs to one of the lecturers. A cute car owned by a cute lecturer... hahaha...
Now, here I am, at home, getting terribly angry at the stu*** ADSL. Broadband is not that reliable in this area as I reside on a hilly place. I was thinking of getting some extra materials for my students.
Owh dear, I guess let me just retire to bed. I have indeed had an extraordinary academic venture today. Alhamdulillah. My days of being tapet the whole last weekend had paid off.
I was blessed with good health the whole day, 7am to 7pm. I was able to complete my readings on articles and books related to the concept of knowledge in Islam. The topic that both Kak Tim and I will present on Wednesday. Amazing! I didn't fall asleep in that cubicle of mine throughout the day! Yippie!
However, tonite, I am attacked by those bloatings and gasses again. All my joints are in pain. Ya Allah, I am in dire need of health as I have Pak Aziz's muhasabah to submit on Wednesday aft, Prof Sidek's Concept of Knowledge to present on Wednesday morn and, translation to email on Thursday. Hmmm... what else?
Alhamdulillah... just recovered from seizures of massive headaches. Just having a mild wobbly aftermath. This is really disturbing. I have lots to read yet unable to do so. My life as a student is at stake.
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Prof said that we don't have to be jealous of those who have and those who are richer than us because the richer they are, the greater accountability they have.
Not much to ponder. Prof is right in every single sense. I myself have known this fact since my involvement in the persatuan. It only disturbs me when someone near me is suffering and I am unable to help due to my limited financial capability. It further disturbs me when someone near you is in hunger yet you flash your money around for self "fishes" reasons. Isn't that inconsiderate?
Well.. anyway, though I am a poor student, I am grateful and happy that I am blessed with caring sisters who really take care after my health and sustenance. I am grateful and happy that I still have a father who really cares about my well-being. I am grateful and happy that I have brothers who "sometimes" ask about whether I'm ok or not. I am grateful and happy for the circle of friends that I have. I am grateful and happy for the life that I am still living and the air that I am still breathing-in. Above all, I am ultimately grateful to Allah for my past, present and if He permits, tomorrow.
A friend once asked me, if I were to know that I would be dead tomorrow, what would be the last thing that I wanted or wished to do? Well... I didn't answer her immediately because I had no idea at all of what I would want or wish to do. For me, I have no right at all to wish. It is indeed under His Rahman and Rahim that I am living up to this point of time. To wish of having to do something before dying is very selfish of me. Shame of me because all this while He has bestowed everything upon me. A lowly servant like me doesn't have the right to ask for more worldly matters or even to ask for a tiny drop of sand when death is to invite. As if to put a pre-requisite for death. I should have struggled every day and every night to be prepared in meeting death and eventually to be with Him. At the same time I should live this life with a cause that enables me to meet death with an open arm. A bridge. As a lowly servant of His, I can only sincerely pray for His acceptance of me as His servant.
Hmm... I am still dazed with that question. If you were me, what would your answer be?
rasa bahagia... semasa Adi masih terlalu kecil... assignment 0708 di Pantai Air Papan, Mersing...
waaa... sangat penat kakiku ini... lima kali aku ulang-alik dari Insted ke Central... kalau tapette juga tak dapat nak nolong eh... so much for kehidupan sihat... huhuhuhu...
My day started as early as 6.30 am. Already in Dila's car, playing my role as a "mem besar". Not "membesar". Again, "mem besar". She dropped me infront of the audi and I hang at the HS canteen just to wait for my lasagne to be ready. Yup! I've been taking pieces of lasagne for breakfast these few weeks. Eat like a king, I heard. After gulping those pills, Kak Tim joined in. She's got her session with Prof. Y. As for me, I've got class at 3.30 pm. Since my feet are not fit to drive Maniobi, at present, Dila will do all the drivings for me and if I were to drive, I'll borrow her auto Mebeque. Yeah... the one with the Ps... huhuhuhu...
I then parked myself at my favourite cubicle in the Resource Centre. Why this cubicle is my fav? Well, it is quite isolated, well-hidden and behind the seat there is a magazine rack where most of the time the old magazines would become my pillows. Hahahahaha... Best gilos! I once caught myself snoring in that quiet RC. Wow! Unbelievable. Now, I have to accept the fact that accidentally dozing off is almost normal (which is not in actual fact) after a dose of carbo meals. Sorry doc!
When I almost got the momentum to revise my notes, there came the temptation that invited me for a coffee break. It was 10.45 am. Feeling a bit frustrated, I was defeated. Frustrated? Yup, I received an sms from a classmate saying that the afternoon's class was cancelled because the lecturer was on an mc. Should have followed my instinct early this morning and just stayed at home. To continue, after a boost of cucumber and lime ice-blended, the abandoned task was resumed. Yeah right... after 30 minutes, again, I felt sleepy again. Bad sugar. Bad. Bad sugar.
Not even an hour lapse, Kak Tim asked me to join her and the daughter for lunch at Bamboo. To go or not to go? Defeated again, I went. I just took a bit of rice and made vegies occupied my plate. It was nyummy. I wish I've taken a pic or two just to make the bumblebee-doc-to-be jealous... hehehehe...
After lunch, my tummy again went haywire. However, after a dose of Kopie Satu at 3.30 pm, yup, the momentum was heightening and I was able to complete my revision and a bit of reading until 6. Caffeine power! I have to admit that I am still an evening type of person no matter how hard I've tried to become a morning person. The RC closed at 6 and Dila came at 6.30. Well, I managed to "poison" Dila and made us went back home early. Yehaaa!!!
Tonight, though my body is a bit weary from the day, it is a bit difficult for me to sleep. I am blaming that powerful Kopie Satu no. 3. A blessing in disguise indeed because rather than tossing restlessly on my bed, I managed to read the assigned reading for my sit-in class, Critical Pedagogy.
Personally, I found that it was not an easy reading. The title of the reading is "Theories of Schooling and Society: The Functional and Conflict Paradigms". I succeeded to read and understand the first two pages and stopped at the discussion on Human Capital Theory. It is not the language that makes it indigestible (does this word exist?). It is the idea and the burden of thoughts that come together with the language that makes it all blurry. Plus the contribution of my weary eyes, mind and body. I wish to talk in length about this. I already have a bucketful of questions to ask Prof. Y. However, I wish to give a pause to it and reserve my comments until after I've read the whole chapter.
Come to think of it, this semester, I seem to be much occupied in my sit-in subject rather than those registered subjects. It is just this wonderful feeling of learning in a real sense.
It has been almost two days I kept myself locked in my room. The unbearable headache that I've got since Thursday seems to be persistent. The high pitched sound of my niece's and nephews' tantrums seems to add more to the pain. And, that is why I keep myself locked in my room.
My sleep has no dreams. It was all black. My sister said I didn't even move a muscle, in a static position she said. I am worried. I don't want my physical conditions to disturb my learning and studying routines. I am taking 3 plus 1 classes this semester. 2 prerequisite, 1 core and 1 sit-in. All with great educators and meaningful lessons.
Oh dear... I have to totally change my lifestyle and my diet. For the betterment. As Dila always said, "Long, otak kau sangat bernilai untuk memperjuangkan nasib anak bangsa. Kau kena sihat untuk berjuang." Hmmm... She might have some points.
Just woke up with banging head, aching body and painful numb feet. I am nearing my death bed. There are lots to do. There are lots yet to be done. There are lots and lots of them.
Anyway, my narration today is not to lament my state of being. I am grateful for being just me. I am grateful for the challenges He set upon me. The question is whether I dare to face these challenges. And, the recent one after the other New Year celebration is the beginning of another chapter in my short-lived life.
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In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
The first new year, according to the Hijr Calendar and it fell on the 29th. December 2008. A day with tearful recollections. It has been four years without. Alhamdulillah, each one of us is able to lead a fair life. Though it seems like isolating ourselves from the closest kins, in actual fact we, me myself particularly are/is coping with the trials and tribulations of life which are never easy.
This Muharram, 1430H, it should be the beginning of another journey to be faced with courage and to be contemplated with wisdom in becoming a Melayu Mu’min. May Allah permits.
At the moment, there are chunks of disarray thoughts that I wish to keyboard on this blog. My esteemed Prof. Y said that his students have to learn writing a narrative with concrete concepts. Ideas with substance. Hmmm... I wonder how am I going to do that.
Coming back to Muharram 1430H, this year, alhamdulillah, for the first time it started with a meaningful event. We had an eventful Hari Tenaga Pengajar in IKBN Melaka. Though our honourable Guru was physically not there, yet he was there in strength and spirit. May he recover soon. Amin.
For the first time too, I attended the event as a full participant. It felt quite weird, different and sometimes a bit liberating. The day started when we travelled in convoy to Masjid Tanah. Yeah, a bit peculiar. IKBN Alor Gajah yet it is located in Masjid Tanah. Hmm... so Melaka... hahahaha...After eating loads of cekodok Selandar, happily we drove unhurriedly. In my case, I just drank a cup of hot tea. My tummy was a bit grumpy and that made me a bit grumpy too. If previously, we took almost two hours from Jasin to reach Masjid Tanah, now, it is only 45 minutes. With the new MITC route, I could not even have a prolonged nap. Tragic indeed!
We arrived at 8.15 am and all the AJK Pusat, YDP, SU and Bendahari were already in the meeting. The next following event would be a meeting with all the Penyelia. The event that I must attend would start only at 2.30 pm. We had to be early because Arif and his friends were charged with the responsibility of handling the photography session which started at 9. Talking of how pampered the Tenaga Pengajar are, yeah, we brought the studio to them for free. Iskh iskh iskh...
We hang out at the canteen and also the main hall to fill in time. I proposed sightseeing to Tanjung Bidara beach. Sitots was all stoked about it yet the proposal was not realised due to the photography session and the heaviness of our tunnis to get into the car and drive. Plus, there were too many of us. A convoy? Perhaps no. And there we were socialising with members from all over Malaysia. There were almost 800 Tenaga Pengajar there. I was having marvellous time socialising. Oh ya! That tummy ache? Not totally gone, able to be suppressed. Mind power!
Guilt trap during lunch. We planned to drive out and eat pure asam pedas Melaka at any warungs in Masjid Tanah. However, the head of organising committee detected our intention and asked us to not go. Instead, he prepared a table for us. Aiyaaa... I felt so spoilt and obviously non-deserving of such kind of treatment. Wished to be ordinary just like everyone else, yet, we were caught in our unruly devised plan. Well, as the saying goes, “rezeki jangan ditolak”. I had my lunch with a bit of guilt and also gratefulness to the ever-friendly orang Melaka. Alhamdulillah.
After purging activity at Kak Rozi’s room, feeling fresh and refreshed, we went for our first event, the recitation of Yasin and Tahlil at the musolla. Personally, I was a bit emotional. All the details of four years ago seemed to flash infront of my eyes. Vivid. Just like watching frames after frames of moving slides. May Allah bless her and put her amongst the blessed ones. Emak, you’ll always be my hero!
Immediately after, we had a launching ceremony of Hari Tenaga Pengajar. Abang Maiden did the launching on behalf of the honourable Guru. Abang Olin delivered his piece on the data management. Despite the tranquillity of the place and the smoothness of the programme, there were still some who never fail to create issues and dissatisfactions. I guess regardless of who and what you are, it is a norm to some to condone the basic necessity of humanity and instead, to be an accomplice to satanic deeds is somewhat satisfactory. Highlighting and condemning weaknesses are virtues whereas noting and suggesting ways to overcome weaknesses, politely, seem non-existence. Though this was not a general value, a drop of it could taint the purity of the whole institution. This contamination compound must be eradicated. Another filtration process is yet to be carried out. I really pray that I am not one of the contamination compounds. I wish to be steadfast and to remain as pure as the ionised H2O. To cleanse my heart and my whole being. Observing my own adab and attitude as His servant. My life and my death only for Him.
The whole programme ended at 5.45 pm. The pressing need to answer the call of mother nature had really spoilt the closure of my socialising activity. Whammy! After, Dila and I went to the canteen, again, for a bowl of mee sop. There were some members left, the rest had returned to their far-away lands. A call from home made us realised that it was already 7.15 and we had to hurry back as we were supposed to fetch Angah and the kids and went back straight to KL. Ayah was already a bit restless and angry because he really disliked us driving on the highways at such late hours. Tragic.. huhuuhuhuhu... However, only Angah, the kids and Arif went back that night. Dila and I opted for 5 am the next day. My blurry sights and numb feet including Dila’s weak night vision made us incompetent night drivers.
So, that’s how the first day of 1430H ended. A very sensible beginning.
We arrived KL at 8.25 am, 2 Muharram 1430H & 30 December 2008M. Dila would have a meeting at her school at 9 am and I would have mine at 1 pm. A new part-time job in another university. This time it is in the middle of the town. My body, mind and soul were a bit queasy. It did not feel right. As if things would go against me. I believed this. I believed my instincts and the belief was proven right.
I intended to depart from Gombak to the meeing venue at 11 am. Kak Tim invited me to join her discussion with Prof. Y but I had to decline. I was groggy from the very early morning departure from Jasin plus the disturbing sugar level that I had. I spent time at the resource centre tidying up my translation work. At 11, the drive to Petaling Jaya was not my preference. Kuala Lumpur drivers have become madder than ever. I drove Dila’s car which has huge Ps front and back. But that is not a reason for other drivers to bully me, to hog me as close as possible, to honk at me, to jump into my queue, to cut lines without giving any signals, to be inconsiderate, and to be inhumane. Hello Malaysian drivers who drive recklessly, your intensity of life to drive like F1 drivers on Malaysian roads is not my intensity of life. My intensity of life does not have to do with dying like flattened frogs on the road. Is it my sin to follow the rules and regulations?
I guess, if I were to stay here far longer, instead of dying due to diabetic complications, I would have died due to driving stress or Allah forbids, an accident. On another scale, not only drivers in Kuala Lumpur are getting madder, drivers in Melaka have got the same issue. Or, does this happen everywhere in Malaysia? Has life and to be alive lost its value?
I really had a bad day on roads. Cruel traffic on my way there and even crueller traffic on route back to Gombak. Plus, the burden of having loaded kidneys. The torture was even unbearable. Curse for the locked boxes in the faculty. Yeah, only staff possess the key to that boxes. Quite pathetic huh?
The day was ended with a truly bad incident which I refuse to narrate here. It was so bitter that every single membranes in my psyche seems to revolt against it. As yucky as it could be and it could taint my sane existence as a being. May Allah forgive me for this weak point of mine.
31st. December 2008, a day before the other New Year. A full class day, both morning and afternoon. Luckily, the precious night class was rescheduled to Friday morning. I was still under yesterday’s hang over plus the almost feverish body and the coughing. The day went without any peculiar much ado. However, it was the night that really surprised me. I thought that Malaysia was not going to celebrate New Year. However, I almost woke up from my feverish sleep hearing one after another of explosions. I thought I was in Gaza. Nope, reality bites. I was and am still in Malaysia. Yup! 2009 New Year was celebrated as usual. Enough said. I went back to my aching slumber. Aching in the sense that I was in a truly physical pain. Aching is also in the sense of thinking what would be the fate of those youngsters. Enough said. Just read the newspapers to know what had become of them. A nausea.
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I myself don’t feel really good now. Let me stop my narration and gulp down some elixir to reboost my weak self. All the above are just my sickly mucous. Upon release, the body would be free from its toxic compounds. Hence, wellness would be invited into the system. The system would function well. The solid structure then would be restored.
Selamat Menyambut 1430H & Happy New Year 2009M!
May both years bring us a deeper contemplation and a deeper sense of humanity!
