lethargic...

muahahaha... ketawa devilish... aku tengah memblog dan students aku pun tengah memblog juga di Medula Oblongata... cute huh?

tenswee aku sebab depa nih cukup payah nak update blog... kalau update pun asyik la nak cut and paste fwd messages ajek... nih nak kena lebih ajar mereka creative thinking nih... tapi tak apa... next week aku akan polish lagi depa punya kemahiran mind mapping... hari ni aku saja aje bagi mereka rehat sikit... the next hour aku nak suruh mereka buat SAT essay... pre-exercise... hehehe... naughty tul aku ni...

sejak hari selasa kemarin mereka pulun buat toefl exam... semalam aku tak dapat nak hantar group yang akhir sebab pancat... sengal-sengal badan aku lepas dua hari lepak kat kl... jenjalan di wisma kemayan, klcc - shopping di isetan dan kinokuniya, makan dan minum di starbuck, tarbush dan nasi lemak antarabangsa... pergh... mau naik lagi la berat aku... terma kasih dak boss sebab belanja o yang kedana nih... hehehe...

dak dila is getting better... rabu 21/9 sehingga sabtu 24/9 dia terbengkalai kena service kat ward surgery hukm... just like last year... tapi kali nih kerosakannya tak as chronic as last time... doktor sukumar pun takde... dah masuk spital private *sigh* tapi yang bestnya aku memang jadi kakak mithali... malam jumaat tuh aku tidur kat spital... melelas badan aku duduk kat kerusi tuh semalaman... komdian tak mandi plak tuh... bukannya sebab tak ada bilik air tapi sebab aku rasa macam sakit la pulak kalau mandi kat bilik air pesakit nih... psychologically... nak balik rumah? dak dila tak bagi balik dan aku pulak memang tak larat nak turun tangga tinggi kat parking lot hukm tuh... senang cakap... aku memang melelas lepak kat hukm tuh...

dak faiz, bayeed dan sue datang jenguk kami hari sabtu petang... malam tuh aku belanja bebudak nih dan dak hes 6 keping domino pizza large... perghhh... aku lepas makan terus tidur macam hampeh... hahahah... keesokkan paginya kami semua tersadai dan tersidai... lepas dak dila (errkk! terbuli budak sakit la pulak!) dan dak sue cari lauk tengahari... kami makan dan tidur lagi... hahahahha... aku cuba meracun dak faiz supaya ponteng sekolah hari senin but to no avail... skema sungguh mamat tuh... malam tuh lepas lawat pak ngah dan keluarga di saujana impian... semamat-semamat tuh pun balik... aku ngan dila balik bandar tasik permaisuri setelah dua kali tepoten-poten pusing kajang dan beli satay kajang...

so, malam ni aku ada dinner IKAL di palm garden... aku drag dak dila sekali... hahaha... hadiah pun aku dah beli... walaupun seketul mug namun harganya mahal nak mamps... 18 ringgit tuh... comel sangat... ada gambar lembu couple... rasa macam nak buruk siku ajek... hahahah...

hari sabtu ada makan-makan M2RAH kat umah es tapi aku tak rasa seronok sangat sebab once again ayla cannot make it... tak best aa tak cukup korum... hopefully next time ayla ada... so kami tak jadi beli kek sebab tak cukup korum... just makan-makan biasa ajek... hari ahad pulak insyaAllah aku dan dila akan naik bas ke johor jumpa dak angah, derih, piyyah, aser dan ayah serta bakal mak tiri aku... ulp... hahahaha... aku okay!!! aku okay!!!

uiks... cukup aaa nih... aku nak suruh students aku stop writing... SAT essay writing hanya 25 minutes ajek... okie tokie... till later... babai!

p/s: thank you roseusj (",)

kolong! kolong!

tak tahan... tak tahan... mengantuk tahap lanun aku nih... semalam aku balik lewat ada majlis kemudian sampai pagi aku tak dapat tidur... mata nih tak mau tidur plak... komdian baru nak lelap, jam lapan pagi dak Dila dah memekak suruh aku bangun mandi... hari nih aku kena hantar dia ke HUKM... adeis macam sengal aku nih kena menapak dari bawah bukit sinun... punya la banyak kereta kat parking lot situ... masa bangun pagi tadi tetiba perut aku memulas semacam... aku muntah-muntah... lembik aku rasa badan aku nih... maka terpaksalah aku batalkan niat aku untuk berpuasa... whattamannabadday!!!

nih... aku tengah tunggu students aku habiskan jawab TOEFL full practise test 5 kat dalam cd cambridge tuh... ntah ntah ada yang dah nampak aku tersenguk-senguk kat depan nih... dah la mengantuks adingdong kemudian kena invigilate bebudak nih pulak... groggy the veggie... nasib la aku kononnya dapat berselindung di belakang monitor besar nih... kononnnn... huargghhhh... zzzzz...

lepas nih aku tak pasti samada nak pergi lawat dak Dila atau tidak... mata aku memang dah tak menahan nih... adeiesss... perut aku pun dah memulas lapar nih... heran aku... lanih aku memang dah tapette kot... sikit-sikit lapar... kemudian... sikit-sikit ngantuks... dah tak machess macam dulu... aku rasa nak muntah la pulak...

erk... okaylah... tah hapa-hapa aku merapik nih... orang mengantuk la katakan... there! aku tersengguk lagi! hampesssh!

adios!!!

p/s: aku tengah quite sedih nih sebab terpaksa batalkan participation aku dalam Tony Buzan's workshop Ahad nih... tak dapat aku nak duduk dalam group Aristotle tuh... tapi nak buat macamana... aku nih kakak soleh la katakan... hahahah... sob sob sob... harapnya ada lagi opportunity aku nak attend such workshop...

A Delayed Posting: Merdeka?

MERDEKA RAMBLES...

jam 4.15 pagi... malam merdeka... bandar sri permaisuri... lagu akon "mr. lonely" sudah berkali-kali diputarkan oleh mp3... dapur sudah dibersihkan... bilik air sudah diberus... baju sudah dibasuh... hangers sudah disusun... peti ais sudah didefrost... tubuh badan sudah disegarkan oleh kesejukan air shower... mata belum mengantuk... students' essays masih banyak yang perlu diperiksa... adik aku aka housemate squatting di uia... esok dia dating ngan ehem ehem... tengah malam esok selepas training baru dia balik... aku? alone? yes/no... lonely? nahhh... belum lagi kot... erk...

kenapa aku membebel di dinihari begini? nothing... cuma terfikir... patah tumbuh hilang berganti... adat kehidupan... tapi tu la... ianya bukan cerita fantasi "jack and the beanstalk"... hari ini baling kacang esok dah tumbuh pokok kacang tinggi merimbun mencecah langit... ianya kehidupan realiti...

pause... aku sahur...

walaupun di kehidupan realiti taugeh boleh tumbuh semalaman tapi mungkin kita sukar untuk menerima sekiranya benih terung boleh membuahkan hasilnya semalaman... namun kuasa Tuhan tiada siapa dapat menghalang... kun fa ya kun... sabarkah aku? aku pasrah... hanya menanti apakah yang akan terjadi...

_________________________

JunkYard

mayday... mayday... mayday...

WARNING: aku tak tahu makhluk mana yang tulis ni...


i badly wanted to cry... i haven't cried since she went away... my last was at the year end 2003 in a hotel room... ampang... when i was so stressed out trying to complete my master thesis... but... these tears seemed obstructed... if only i could have that outburst... again... so far everything is kept in a huge fragile bubble... ready to pop i don't know when... 2005 is a sad year...

too many losses...

my mother... my dear friend/s... my focus... my memory, constantly... my compass... my directions...

i am losing myself...

now... i am yet to lose my father... almost... and my kindred sis... maybe...

i haven't recovered from my shock and my woe... now, this is happening in my life... frankly... i really don't have any idea what i'm thinking about... so many things yet so limited a capacity... i have so many fractured thoughts in my skull... sometimes i don't know what i am thinking about... see... i'm being redundant... i've told you that my mind is entangled in a messy webs of neurons, dendrites, bla bla bla...

people change... i dread changes... and this is one change that i never ever think it might happen... it seems like i'm seeing a stranger... i hardly know this stranger... not once in my naive life i ever think that this might happen to me... to me! i don't know about the others... they can take it easily i guess... but not me... i'm the eldest... yet i feel like a moron who passes by a village and takes shelter in one of the deserted houses... insignificant... an idiot who deserves only some kind of filtered information... a bit of it which travels from one stranger's lips to another stranger's lips... fine... apart from the other sore sights... i have to tolerate this! fair...

*sigh*
sigh no more...
i wish...
but now, it gets deeper...
in a crowd yet so lonely...
this hurts...
badly...
*sigh*

my siblings said that i've lost my touch... i've lost the zest that i always have when i work... when i teach... when i communicate... when i breathe... when i do anything... eating... walking... sleeping... watching tv... they said i don't have it anymore...

well... i have to admit... i am afraid... i am so totally insecure... i don't think i know what i'm doing... dumbfoundedly clueless!

i was scolded for not completing my proposal... people said writing a proposal is easy... scoff... easy for them but not for me... not in the situation i am in from february until today... come to think of it... now i'm beginning to see why my fate is to stay up north... alas! i have the answer to the mystery... everything is taking its places...

can i run? can i wish for death? do i have enough strength? do i have to consume prozacs? again...

have faith dear... do have faith...

my confused spirits and emotions almost recovered during the days when i camped at jalan kent... now... everything returns to its starting points... jalan kent is so hallowed... i can't find comfort and warmth in it... somebody stole it... a powerful being... thank you for ripping away my happiness... things are never the same... i thought it would last but...

i was beginning and trying to learn to trust... again... but it didn't work... how foolish i am...

i hate them more than ever now... they know how to get in their ways... it is simple for each and everyone of them... as simple as abc's... too simple... too easy... good bye and hi hi... do i have it? uhuh... nope! jerk! because of them i lost my friends... because of them i lost my family... because of them i am no longer the same person today as what i was yesterdays... all... because of them... drats!

what the tut i'm talking about... as i said my mind is in its worst mess... that's why i've decided to write again... hopefully frequently this time... a good theraphy...

just ignore it when this expression smells garbage... it contains loads and loads of filthy glimy garbage... can't you see those big fat juicy maggots scrawling here and there? if you are attracted to this garbage... don't blame me... maybe you are one of the flies that tries to be sympathethic...

brahuha... blup... blup... blup... i don't need one... thank you...

sighnomore... once a merry and colourful garden now a gloomy and smelly junkyard... the earth and the outer space are fully loaded with rubbish... so what?!? if you can't beat it... join it!

huargghhh... my blood shot eyes are getting tired... i am so so tired of everything... i am going to escape all these for awhile... here i come my land of dreams...

tenswee! tenswee! tenswee!

note: honey, don't fret... i'm still the same sane miss eliza... phew... i still remember you and of course, i'll send you the files... hmmm... just need to find them somewhere in my hard disk... hehehe... by the way, thanks for visiting... the old outlook has gone kaput... i'm trying to redecorate "sighnomore" so that i won't sigh any more...