Sosak Napas Den...

Wohooo!

It is the time of the year when it suddenly is difficult to breathe. It is the time of the year when this puny brain is mashed like my favourite mash potate. It is the time of the year when regrets seem to have no value at all. It is the time of the year when any thing can go wrong at any unexpected point of time. Yup! This is the time.

I just came back from delivering a two-hour talk on instructional technology and PowerPoint techniques. An IT guru heh? Nope. Just sharing what Pak Aziz, Dr Tunku and Dr Kamal taught me in-class. Can't help mentioning their names in my talk. Really appreciate them for the knowledge they have shared with me. Erk... had to mentioned Prof Yed too on how he manages a three-hour class without using any technology yet the three hours passes like only half an hour. Amazing huh?

Oh ya! Who were my audience? They are Statisticians in Jabatan Perangkaan Malaysia, Putrajaya. Though I drove only a small busuk VIVA, as a trainer for those trainers, the honorable speaker has a special parking space infront of the main entrance under a huge wide shady ceiling. Perghhh... A VIP treatment indeed! Hahaha... this I really like but the vadee for tea... hmmm... I delivered the same topic like last year's using the same PowerPoint slides. Hahaha... Too busy with assignments and I don't have ample time to improve the slides. Anyway, I added many others like something on Applets and YouTube. Yeah right! Most of them haven't heard about YouTube. They are yet to become adopters or just plain laggards?

Done with this session. Lega. Tomorrow, I have a presentation for Dr Sidek's class. It is our revision day ok! But, we have to have a class because Cikgu is a busy man and we have postponed many classes. To put the terrible presentation aside, it is actually good to get together and do some last minute revision together as a class. Thurs, should complete all the markings for my APIUM students. Friday, should submit Dr Tunku's review and mid-term, hopefully. Then on the 8th and 9th... the final exam days. In a row. Dang! Term paper to be submitted on the 9th too. Then Dr Tunku's proposal. Then the translations. Then the God-knows-what...

Now, tell me. What is the right way to inhale and exhale air into my lungs?

Reality vs Fantasy

Too much of sleep.

Now, it seems difficult to differentiate.
Between the real and the unreal.

The experience is surreal to a certain extent.



Wake up! Smell the coffee!

ajuk ah cannih...

ajuk ah cannih...

sejak hari Khamis

ajuk ah cannih...

sudah tua barangkali

ajuk ah cannih...

ingin mendapatkan perhatian?

ajuk ah cannih...

dah tak sayang o lagi

ajuk ah cannih...

hek eleh berapa lama nak majuk daaa

ajuk ah cannih... ajuk ah cannih... ajuk ah cannih...

nak ajuk jugak!!!!

lalalalalala...

balderdash!

THERE

ARE

THINGS

THAT

SHOULD

REMAIN

UNSAID

Let them be inside...

Let them be between Him and me...

Just

Let them be...

The pains are all mine!

Mine only!

of another...

received another death news today... of someone who was young and dear to me in a uniquely special way... a brother... a partner on my way to lumut when i was miserably alone... yup, during those days in penang... may his soul be blessed by Him... al-fatihah..

---------------------------------------------------------------

My life was not so hectic previous weekdays. However, towards the end of the week, it was when my life became merry and obviously my health was at stake.

I went back to Melaka on Friday with Dila right after lunch at bamboo. Dila got her permission to take a half day off. She deserved it with the frequent hardworking and over zealous work habits on Saturday and sometimes on Sunday too. After that long hours of driving (due to the rain and the muching of donuts) we arrived home at around 5 pm. A rainy day in Jasin too. Dila was "paksarela" to fill in the KPLI and DPLI forms. Thus, it was the main purpose of going home to certify her cert copies. I had the intention to go to Melaka Raya and make a new pair of glasses. Too bad, my pocket didn't permit it and was too shy to ask from ayah or makcik. Talking about ego huh...

We planned to be back to KL the next day. Yet, after the morning rendevzous in Masjid Tanah, we felt very tired and changed the plan. In addition, we overheard that ayah wanted to celebrate Bayeed's birthday at Medan Bakar Terapung that Saturday night. We obviously didn't want to miss it... hahaha... Plus another factor, Angah called and told us that the whole family would spend the night on Cameron Highlands. This was an impromptu plan. Wow! Best gilos adingdong the anak kangkungs. So we see no point of getting back to KL early. Even Hes told us not to worry so much about the reunion party. Yup, we then bought our time and saviour it... hehehe...

Yup! We had a scrumptious early dinner. I ate like 3 packs of nasi lemak. No pics. I'm afraid that someone in Bangalore would be so jealous and then would cry endlessly to immediately return back to Malaysia... hahahah...

After the doses of those sugar and cholestrol laden food, we got flat just when we reached home. We planned to drive out of Melaka at 5 am but we didn't, as usual. Ayah caught us up at 3.30 am and scolded us to go back to sleep. That was the reason of why 5 am was not carried out as planned.

Sunday, 10.30 am (after a detour to Dila's school and Taman Melawati) we arrived at Hes'. I was shaken by hunger and immediately devoured the nasi lemak that Dila bought. The reunion party or gathering was awesome. Imagine of last seeing your friends like the last was in 1992. Great! Only eight could make it and they brought their family together. Me too. I brought Dila to help Hes in the kitchen... hahaha... Updates, gossips and memories were exchanged. Looking back at them, I am truly grateful to be able to hug them again after all those years. These are the people who were there when I was in my lowest and in my utmost self during those school days. These are the people who have helped me to be what I am now. The ones who have accompanied me throughout my teen years. The crucial years of identity and character shaping. I owed them alot. The unrepaid debt. Only able to pray for their good and blessed life with their beloved ones (",)

Erk... got a bit melancholic up there... hehehe... Anyway, after the over consumption of those delectables, today, most of hours are spent on this ugly bed. Haven't touch any of the assignments, especially the one due on Wednesday, Pak Aziz's instructional objectives. Bad huh?

Tomorrow, will have to meet a bloodsucking vampire in Hospital Ampang. It should be very early in the morning because I am fasting now up till tomorrow. Surely by 7 am, I'll feel jittery, hungry and angry if not fed. Then, am going to accompany Cik Bedah to KLCC. She really wants to be engrossed with the paintings at Petronas Gallery. Erk... I would rather sleep at home actually... hahaha... Yeah! There goes that heavy asses again! Muahahah...

Okie tokie, am trying to force my self to think and complete, at least, the due-soon-Pak Aziz's assignment. My eyes are getting sleepy again. I think there's something wrong with my sleeping nerves. Seriously.

On Emancipation?

Before pouring my thoughts on the subject matter of emancipation, I just want to release my anger here.

Dang biatch! Harap muka aje macam cantik, tapi pengotor nak mamps... Bodoh! Tak berhati perut punya manusia! *@#$#*%@#!*@%**&!

Sekian. Terima kasih.

My flow of thoughts are so disturbed. Not in the mood anymore. I have to emancipate myself from this cruel unthoughtful yucky situation. Will resume later. What a mood spoiler!!!

Hitarek.net

Life's An Adventure...

I did this on Sunday the 15th. Eating like there is no tomorrow.





I felt this on both the following Monday and Tuesday.
Vegetating and feeding on drugs... zombie-like-state...



This happened to me on Wednesday and Thursday.
Bloating and floating with gasses. Blurry days...



Friday, the remaining. Slightly better than the previous days.

Saturday, I drove my sisters and the kids here. Breathing in the fresh Melaka air. Blood returned to my pale sickly complexion. Happy. Grateful.



I climbed up till Kolam Puteri Gunung Ledang on Sunday.
Wow! I have proven to myself that I am not sickly and obviously not old. Hurrayyyy!
Take note of my pink of health.
The blushed rosy cheeks and the sweats.
Double happiness.



But... on Monday and Tuesday, I experienced this again...
Flatulence. Feverish. Muscle aches. So on and so forth...

Too bad huh? What a nice adventure... hehehehe...

Busuk

Alas! The pearls dropped down. The sadness is unbearable. I am no longer machess.

Let me first recap our Friday morning conversation with Prof on the subject matter of empowerment. Brother Mas'ud posed a question, "What is needed to become a person with empowerment?". Prof said, "Empowerment is you don't feel that you are the dirt of the earth . In reference to the notions of Al-Rahman, Al-Rahim and Lailahaillallah, each one of us has a spiritual significance." Yup! I realise this, always. Yet sometimes the environment that I am living in, the people that I am associating with, and the socially constructed reality that I am confronted with make me feel I am at the bottom. The "busuk". Kinda lack of self-confidence and a very poor self-esteem.

Anyway, I will always justify these feelings by relating to my efforts to become a humble being on this earth. On the surface, people might take me as a jolly happy-go-lucky person who seems to lead a happy (aimless?) life. Beneath, the struggle within is enormous and to know self and to know the ultimate aim of life is not something easy. It demands sacrifice and lots of pains.

A person scoffed and laughed at me when I said that I don't have a credit card. A lawyer he is, he doesn't believe that at my age I don't possess any. I told him that I am a poor student and even my study is partially sponsored by my parents. Plus, I don't see any reasons why should I use one when the most important for me at the moment is to try living without any debt. Obviously, death is an unexpected visitor. My time might come today as I am driving home or even tomorrow. I don't want to impose my burden of debts upon the ones I love. It will be unfair for them. Coming back to this person whom I just got to know only from a single communication over the phone, he assumed that my parents are rich. Even if they are, who am I at this age to put extra burden on them. This is the time when it is me who is supposed to take care of them. My encounter with this person has some how enhanced my "busukness" feelings though I know that I should just ignore his thoughtless remarks. He had somehow pulled me down, making me feel wealth matters so much.

Another scene, someone who asked me to help her with her translation works called me few days ago. I wrote about this qualm in my previous entry. Though, she said that she was just calling to ask for my well-being, I smelled that it was actually more about the well-being of her papers. Despite of my poor health, my inefficiency in translating the papers is also due to my being sceptical of the whole matter. She interrogated me (it did sound like that) and never did mention about any particulars on the payment. It is not that I do things because of money. People who know me well will understand my working attitude. I look forward to help. However, sometimes, when my professional contribution is not justly acknowledged, I would get the "busuk" feelings that I mentioned above. To add, she also seemed difficult to accept that I don't have any secured permanent job. Huh? Why is it it is so difficult with some people to accept the reality of life. Why is it difficult for them to accept the reality of my life is constructed on "freedom" which I have defined it towards a more noble objective in life? Nevertheless, she succeeded in making me feel more "busuk" than ever.

To depart from the two scenes above, the point is, it is not easy to become an empowered person. When you feel that you have strength in you, meeting people like these may deplete your sense of empowerment. These are people who are not close to you. How about of those who are near to you and yet they make you feel inadequate without realising it? This is even worse. These people are close to you and sometimes you have no other choice except to accept things as it is, to follow the flow, with the thought that you don't want to jeopardise your relationship with them. Inside, it bites you like fire eating piles of woods. A very excruciating pain. You want to run away yet you can't because they are so close besides you.

I don't want to explain further. Let my thoughts hang here. But this is the reason of why I couldn't stop my tears from falling down. It has nothing to do with jealousy. It has nothing to do with questioning fairness. It has nothing to do with patriotism. It just feels that way. Out of nowhere. I think I should stop this ramble and buy myself a good flask of coffee. Hope I have enough in my purse...

Rasa Nak Nangis...

ntah... tiba-tiba rasa macam nak nangis...

A Grumpy Old Maid!

My tears cannot stop pouring. Out of hunger at most.

Everything is wrong today. As if everything is against me. I woke up early to do my laundry as early as 5 a.m. While waiting, I tried to get hooked on to the net but the GPRS connection made me impatient. I accidentally slept after half an hour and woke up at the smell of fried fish from the kitchen. That already made me a bit jittery and angry. The washing machine is next to the stove and my clothes would get smelly. I was already angry at my sister/s for not waking me up before frying those keropok lekor. Luckily the smell did not penetrate the machine and seep into the fabrics. Luckily it was not the real fish, else, things would get even worse. I went out to hang my clothes. Happy with the sun and the strong wind. No longer that angry.

Keropok lekor in the morning would never satisfy my tummy. My hands were still shaking for real food. A fussy diabetic. We tried to wake my brother [hmmm...] up from his slumber but he only was up and about after three hours from this first event. Ayah asked him to get something real for breakfast. I was really hungry and went to bed in the hope that when I woke up the hunger would go away. But, it didn’t go away. I was even hungrier and angrier.

I managed to get a bit of sleep where in the midst I woke up with another smell. The smell of smoke from outside. My anger was greatly enhanced. Somebody put fire on their piles of garbage and the smoke was everywhere surrounding the house. My clothes! I dashed to the kitchen and almost screaming I scolded the one who did that, in which I didn’t know who. My sisters were panicking observing my early morning tantrums. Dila tried to soothe me by saying, “ Ala Long biasa la tuh... orang kampong.” I barked at her and said, “Orang kampong la yang patutnya lebih prihatin, lebih faham konsep kejiranan! Bakar la sampah waktu petang lepas orang angkat baju, dah jadi bodoh ke apa semua orang kat dunia ni! Benda basic pun tak mau ingat lagi nak kecoh pasal isu Gaza la, isu rebut kuasa la! Stupid!” Yeah... basically that was the line [with a bit of exaggeration]. Yeah, I am a bit fussy about smelly clothes. My sister always told me that I got smelly and stinky at the end of the day. Now, how could I wear a smelly dress in the morning? Imagine how smelly and stinky I would become at the end of the day. Fullstop.

It is now 12 noon. I got all mad again. With my enhanced hunger, with my brother [who only is nice towards his girlfriend and no longer towards me], with my neighbour who made my clothes smelly, with my sisters who escaped themselves by going for sightseeing somewhere at Masjid Tanah [they always choose to ignore me whenever], with my another neighbour who is making noise with his grass cutter machine from morning up until now, with the slow internet connection, and the most is with MY OWN SELF for not being able to keep my sanity intact and be virtuously patient.

Fuhhh! This is hard man!

Of Guilt and Social Justice

Alhamdulillah... Alas! The broadband is back!

I was insufficiently connected with the world last week. The ADSL is still kaput, the EzNet is too slow and the broadband was in Mersing, following its owner... huhuhuh... As Angah arrived last night, my face glowed with hope and happiness. Yup! When you are used to having such facility, to be deprived makes you restless and aimless. Bad huh? C'mon. Think about those of have nots. I should be grateful. Though I am not as rich as the others [read: rich is a subjective concept], at least my basic necessities are filled. I still can afford to eat rice with nyummy dishes twice a day. I still have a shelter and my own room. I still have a car - though now I'm driving Dila's auto car - to move around. I still have clothes to wear though they seem like my daily uniform. Above all, I still have. That's the more reason for constantly being grateful.

This reminds me of the day when I went out to hang with friends in three different places on previous Thursday. KLCC, Pavillion and KL Central. We had a marvellous galla day. It has been years since I did such kind of activities - hanging out with friends, eating good food, watching movies. I am fortunate to be blessed with good friends who are there in moments of happiness and in moments of sadness. They nicely treated me on many occasions. I promise myself that later, when we hang out again, I'll be the one who will treat them. It is just that I need to earn enough in order to be able to do such. It feels bad when friends came from afar, yet I don't have enough. I always scold myself for being a loser, useless, busuk, and tapette. My sisters would scold me and tell me that I am never such. They said that I am hardworking yet, only people do not appreciate what I've done. Two institutions are still owing me a huge sum of payment which I should get sometime in October 2008. Too bad. But, that's the path that I have decided upon. To become a part-timer. I want to focus on my study. I do not want bosses to dictate my study life and it is also in compliance with my deteriorating health conditions. Nope! I am not sighing. I am grateful for what I have now. It only bothers me when sometimes I feel oppressed by the society. In times like this, I would remind myself to not become an opressor.

Another recollection, on Thursday, I had lunch in KLCC. I ate McD's Double Beef Prosperity Burger. However, with every bite I felt a stinging pain inside. Guilt. I was thinking of the have nots around me. There I was eating a RM21 burger. For RM21 I can buy four plates of rice with decent dishes. I wasted the money [read: given by Dila] on this stupid hideous gluttony desire of mine. Who is getting properous? Did I feel or become prosperous? Nope. I still feel bad. Thinking of the social justice and of how what I have learnt was not transformed into wise practices. Bad. It was even worse when I ate at Kenny Rogers for dinner. Though my friends treated me this, I was partly to be blamed for asking my friend to treat me such. Bad. Bad. I am an accomplice to the social injustice. I wasted Dila's and my friend's money on private whims and whisicals. Bad. Bad. Bad.

Friday, the guilt was greatly enhanced. A friend treated me in a Muslim Chinese restaurant. Spending RM100+ for a plate of rice and some other dishes. Again, an accomplice to social injustice. To being in Prof's class has made me realised that all these while I was deviated from the right path that I was originally in. Whatever he preaches in theory was already practiced by me in practice, through my societal involvement. However, as a every limited person, I tend to forget. Following the desires, I was swayed from the path. I was reminded of that, again, after a soul-enriching talk at a camp near Alang Sedayu. Thank you abang Olin for that great reminder. I have waited all these years and only that night I understood. Nothing can describe how grateful I am.

Okie tokie, enough of this contemplation for the day. I have to be involved with and in the world in order to achieve that divine aim. May Allah bless me!

Surrounded by Death

"Mati itu wajib." Words of wisdom from my Guru. Sustenance for the worldly livelihood.

The theme of death.

Yesterday was the worst. I experienced an amalgamation of feelings. Two death news in a row. Of a person who was dear to me and of a person who was dear to friends of mine. At the same time recollecting my experience facing my mother's death. The event was vividly rolling like film slides in my mind. Suddenly. Am very grateful that there was an ardent listener. Though I narrated the event in a matter-of-factly kind of way, inside, it was flooding. Today, another death news that made me a bit startled. Of my student's father. What more of those deaths in Gaza [though the media have changed their interests onto Obama's inauguration, it seems]. Who is next? Me? You?

Death will invite us whether we like it or not. Death will invite us whether we are prepared or not. What have I done to face death in its suddenness? I am still mulling about the world. I am still musing about the here-gains. I am still complaining about this and that. I am still unable to take care of the amanah bestowed upon me. I am still. The list goes on.

If death were a door marked exit, would I not open and walk through it.

A note encrypted [read: written with marker-pen] on Prof's whiteboard.

A question was once asked to me. What kind of death do you pray to have?

Well, I pray that it ends like this. I am in a battle field. Fighting valiantly. Though both arms and both legs are amputated, my mouth is still chanting and my mind is still reciting. It ends when there is a stinging stabbing pain goes right through my heart. Smiling. Arms open wide. Eyes looking up, longingly. Reaching towards Him.

Then, a question would follow. Do I have the courage?

Another matter to contemplate upon...

Wattaman...

Am blogging from the RC. This Monday is not like previous Monday. I got lethargic as soon as I woke up and it prevailed until now, 12.36pm. I am not sure why but body seems to experience chill since Friday despite the bright sunny hot day. I thought it was due to the cool wind. All my joints are cold. I even wore Faiz's orange windbreaker to class on Friday. I regret of not wearing the breakie today as the feeling is almost the same. Is this the sign of the approaching death?

I am supposed to complete my translation and in fact, it was due on the 15th. Yeah, I know. It was overdue. However, with my unstable health condition that affects my mental capacity, I am unable to proceed. Plus the fact that there is no incentive at all from the one who hires me. If I were to ask people to help me with things, professionally, I would, first, contact the person myself and get to know him or her on my own without any middle person. Second, discuss the terms and conditions including the rate and method of payment. Third, upon receival, email or contact the one who has kindly helped me immediately and give my thanks and feedback. Finally, to pay that person upon the acceptance of one complete translation piece. In my case, none of the above happened to me. I feel used and not appreciated. I get more sensitive in my dire state of poverty. And, that is what I meant when I said "there is no incentive". No booster at all. This makes me revolt and seems to be in mutual agreement with my state of being i.e. the tapet health condition. Hmmm... Am not sure whether I've displayed my thoughts in clarity or not. My tummy is also aching. Dang that bitter gourd fusion! My sugar kinda get low but my flatulence is getting crazy.

Well... Today, I am going to have class until 9.30pm. I am still considering whether or not to buy myself a flask of Kopie Satu. This morning Angah gave Dila RM50 and we shared the money. I got thirty and Dila told me not to use it lavishly. It is the last sekopek piece as Angah has only RM50 for herself too. Tragis.. Tragis...

Okie tokie... nak sambung tengok Sindarela... muahahahah... the medicine for boredom. How I am glad we have YouTube. Yippie!!!

It Ended Well (",)

Waking up with a tummy ache and a tapette feeling is not an ideal way to begin a whole new day. Yet, that was my experience this morning.

I thought it was just nervousness. I almost blamed it to the effect of a teaspoon of nigella sativa (habbatussauda') that I consumed before going to bed last night. When I arrived at the HS canteen at 7am, my face was in its whole sourness and bitterness being. The pain was unbearable. I just ate a small plate of meehoon (+- 5 spoons) and drank my mineral water. Wow! It truly felt bad. I thought to myself, I've never felt this way before, it should be just like any ordinary presentations that I had delivered. Before reaching the class, I decided to weigh whether it was out of nervousness or just a biological reaction. Yup! A wise decision. Ultimately, it was that disastrous toxic gasses. I flushed them out well. Yup! I was totally ready to deliver my piece of thought.

My presentation on "Knowledge and Islamization" went well, I guess. I was terribly nervous with cold hands and cold feet. Why? Just because of Kak Tim's and Angah's existence in the class. I always feel a bit inferior when doing a public speaking activity infront of Kak Tim. Now, Angah added to the nervousness because it was the first time I presented in English infront of my own blood and flesh sister... huhuhuu...

I was given 30 minutes but the whole event (plus the Q&A session) took almost one and a half hour. Was that a good sign or not? My audience were attentive and I didn't get any 'killer' questions from the floor. Relief. I was confused myself. Did they really understand my thoughts on the topic. At the end of the class, after Prof added his points and comments, my classmates told Kak Tim (my co-presenter who answered most of the questions) that they really had understood my piece. The ideas were clear and they even asked for the softcopy of my powerpoint notes. I smiled. Alhamdulillah. The topic was not an easy one as I compared the difference between Western vs. Islamic epistemology and also explained the concept of Islamization of knowledge as proposed my Prof. Al-Attas. The ideas were quite complex for me to simplify as they dealt with the right choice of words and also the metaphysics aspects. I am truly grateful that my Arab classmates were able to follow the progression of my discussion. I hope I have done justice.

After completing my resposibility as the presenter of the day, Kak Tim, Angah and I went for Kyros Kebab. Terribly hungry [read: my tummy ache had finally disappeared!], I ate one huge lamb kebab wrap plus cucumber lime ice blended. Sinful. If only my traditional doctor (not the future-going-to-be-doctor one) knew about this. By the way, he smsed me to get the day's sugar reading. Yet, I didn't reply. Not because I wanted to dampen his curiousity but my Maxis line was eventually being put into coma for awhile. Yelp! Yelp! Anybody out there is kind enough to donate to this poor student and give life to her communication line?

Anyway, after lunch (on Angah... hehehe), we went to the bank for me to "pau" Angah. She gave me RM50 and treated me with a flask-full of Kopie Satu Calipso. Another sin. Muah muah... sayang Angah (",) May Allah give her good health and a balanced state of hormones to finishing her dissertation on a comparative study between Al-'Arabi's and Hamzah Fansuri's poems. We loitered at the members' counter and got to know that there would be a demonstration in front of the bank. Wahhh... it was very exciting indeed. The martial arts demo went well and they got a good number of audience including a group of golden age Japanese visitors who were collecting signatures to go against wars and also some foreign students. It was a merry event and Adil was a good spokesman. Promoting something that is dearly related to our culture and heart is a noble act indeed. Well done demo squad and the rest (including the cake sellers too)! Oh, by the way, Kak Tim was also teruja as this was the first time she witnessed the martial arts that her daughter joined and yet to complete the syllabus.

After gallavanting at the central and meeting Arif with his "friend", we went back to the mothership for me to wait for my 3.30 class at the RC and for Angah to go back home and enjoy her sustenance, the supply of sour young mangoes. Personally, I think that 6610 is mostly repetition of what we have learnt before in 6620 and 6640. Only this time when being tested by Pak Aziz, I would be dumbfounded most of the time. I am experiencing memory failure. This really worries me. Oh ya! I submitted my assignment! Alas!

Adila fetched me at 7pm. Traffic jam infront of her school gate she said. It was due to the pasar malam nearby her school. Hmmm... Luckily I was entertained and amused by the image of a green+yellow coloured car that belongs to one of the lecturers. A cute car owned by a cute lecturer... hahaha...

Now, here I am, at home, getting terribly angry at the stu*** ADSL. Broadband is not that reliable in this area as I reside on a hilly place. I was thinking of getting some extra materials for my students.

Owh dear, I guess let me just retire to bed. I have indeed had an extraordinary academic venture today. Alhamdulillah. My days of being tapet the whole last weekend had paid off.

May tomorrow be another adventurous day!

Of Being Articulate

Alhamdulillah...

I was blessed with good health the whole day, 7am to 7pm. I was able to complete my readings on articles and books related to the concept of knowledge in Islam. The topic that both Kak Tim and I will present on Wednesday. Amazing! I didn't fall asleep in that cubicle of mine throughout the day! Yippie!

However, tonite, I am attacked by those bloatings and gasses again. All my joints are in pain. Ya Allah, I am in dire need of health as I have Pak Aziz's muhasabah to submit on Wednesday aft, Prof Sidek's Concept of Knowledge to present on Wednesday morn and, translation to email on Thursday. Hmmm... what else?

Retire to recuperate...

Nite! Nite!

Of an Accountability

Alhamdulillah... just recovered from seizures of massive headaches. Just having a mild wobbly aftermath. This is really disturbing. I have lots to read yet unable to do so. My life as a student is at stake.

---------------

Prof said that we don't have to be jealous of those who have and those who are richer than us because the richer they are, the greater accountability they have.

Not much to ponder. Prof is right in every single sense. I myself have known this fact since my involvement in the persatuan. It only disturbs me when someone near me is suffering and I am unable to help due to my limited financial capability. It further disturbs me when someone near you is in hunger yet you flash your money around for self "fishes" reasons. Isn't that inconsiderate?

Well.. anyway, though I am a poor student, I am grateful and happy that I am blessed with caring sisters who really take care after my health and sustenance. I am grateful and happy that I still have a father who really cares about my well-being. I am grateful and happy that I have brothers who "sometimes" ask about whether I'm ok or not. I am grateful and happy for the circle of friends that I have. I am grateful and happy for the life that I am still living and the air that I am still breathing-in. Above all, I am ultimately grateful to Allah for my past, present and if He permits, tomorrow.

A friend once asked me, if I were to know that I would be dead tomorrow, what would be the last thing that I wanted or wished to do? Well... I didn't answer her immediately because I had no idea at all of what I would want or wish to do. For me, I have no right at all to wish. It is indeed under His Rahman and Rahim that I am living up to this point of time. To wish of having to do something before dying is very selfish of me. Shame of me because all this while He has bestowed everything upon me. A lowly servant like me doesn't have the right to ask for more worldly matters or even to ask for a tiny drop of sand when death is to invite. As if to put a pre-requisite for death. I should have struggled every day and every night to be prepared in meeting death and eventually to be with Him. At the same time I should live this life with a cause that enables me to meet death with an open arm. A bridge. As a lowly servant of His, I can only sincerely pray for His acceptance of me as His servant.

Hmm... I am still dazed with that question. If you were me, what would your answer be?

rasa bahagia...
semasa Adi masih terlalu kecil...
assignment 0708 di Pantai Air Papan, Mersing...

Diarrhea

Just came back from my first class in MU. A great one. But it could be greater. Why?

I've got oral diarrhea out of excitement. Tragic. Not a good listener. Guilty as charged.

--------

A flatulence. Aching joints. Maddening headache.

An aftermath of the bitter-gourd juice.





flatline.........................

Maximum

Adi is disturbing me. He is so busy trying to poke at my keyboard...

Just walked in to note that this is the most tiring yet fruitful academic day!

Yeah... I had class nonstop from 8.30 until 6.30 pm. Only a 2 hours lunch break at 12 noon.

Melelas, yet, fabudelicious!

Wish to narrate more but too lethargic. The mental workout. The bad sugar level 24.3 mmol/l.

Psycho!

Anyways, these are the cuties in my life at the moment...

The "cute ker" Kakak Piyyah!

The "cute ker" Aban' Aser!

Yup... the ever so cunningly cute Adi!

ala tomei tomei...
tayyyyyang ayon'

Uwekkkk... What! Will get another one?
Muahahahaha...

Semi-Productive Day!

waaa... sangat penat kakiku ini... lima kali aku ulang-alik dari Insted ke Central... kalau tapette juga tak dapat nak nolong eh... so much for kehidupan sihat... huhuhuhu...

My day started as early as 6.30 am. Already in Dila's car, playing my role as a "mem besar". Not "membesar". Again, "mem besar". She dropped me infront of the audi and I hang at the HS canteen just to wait for my lasagne to be ready. Yup! I've been taking pieces of lasagne for breakfast these few weeks. Eat like a king, I heard. After gulping those pills, Kak Tim joined in. She's got her session with Prof. Y. As for me, I've got class at 3.30 pm. Since my feet are not fit to drive Maniobi, at present, Dila will do all the drivings for me and if I were to drive, I'll borrow her auto Mebeque. Yeah... the one with the Ps... huhuhuhu...

I then parked myself at my favourite cubicle in the Resource Centre. Why this cubicle is my fav? Well, it is quite isolated, well-hidden and behind the seat there is a magazine rack where most of the time the old magazines would become my pillows. Hahahahaha... Best gilos! I once caught myself snoring in that quiet RC. Wow! Unbelievable. Now, I have to accept the fact that accidentally dozing off is almost normal (which is not in actual fact) after a dose of carbo meals. Sorry doc!

When I almost got the momentum to revise my notes, there came the temptation that invited me for a coffee break. It was 10.45 am. Feeling a bit frustrated, I was defeated. Frustrated? Yup, I received an sms from a classmate saying that the afternoon's class was cancelled because the lecturer was on an mc. Should have followed my instinct early this morning and just stayed at home. To continue, after a boost of cucumber and lime ice-blended, the abandoned task was resumed. Yeah right... after 30 minutes, again, I felt sleepy again. Bad sugar. Bad. Bad sugar.

Not even an hour lapse, Kak Tim asked me to join her and the daughter for lunch at Bamboo. To go or not to go? Defeated again, I went. I just took a bit of rice and made vegies occupied my plate. It was nyummy. I wish I've taken a pic or two just to make the bumblebee-doc-to-be jealous... hehehehe...

After lunch, my tummy again went haywire. However, after a dose of Kopie Satu at 3.30 pm, yup, the momentum was heightening and I was able to complete my revision and a bit of reading until 6. Caffeine power! I have to admit that I am still an evening type of person no matter how hard I've tried to become a morning person. The RC closed at 6 and Dila came at 6.30. Well, I managed to "poison" Dila and made us went back home early. Yehaaa!!!

Tonight, though my body is a bit weary from the day, it is a bit difficult for me to sleep. I am blaming that powerful Kopie Satu no. 3. A blessing in disguise indeed because rather than tossing restlessly on my bed, I managed to read the assigned reading for my sit-in class, Critical Pedagogy.

Personally, I found that it was not an easy reading. The title of the reading is "Theories of Schooling and Society: The Functional and Conflict Paradigms". I succeeded to read and understand the first two pages and stopped at the discussion on Human Capital Theory. It is not the language that makes it indigestible (does this word exist?). It is the idea and the burden of thoughts that come together with the language that makes it all blurry. Plus the contribution of my weary eyes, mind and body. I wish to talk in length about this. I already have a bucketful of questions to ask Prof. Y. However, I wish to give a pause to it and reserve my comments until after I've read the whole chapter.

Come to think of it, this semester, I seem to be much occupied in my sit-in subject rather than those registered subjects. It is just this wonderful feeling of learning in a real sense.

My kind of intensity of life.

Caved In

It has been almost two days I kept myself locked in my room. The unbearable headache that I've got since Thursday seems to be persistent. The high pitched sound of my niece's and nephews' tantrums seems to add more to the pain. And, that is why I keep myself locked in my room.

My sleep has no dreams. It was all black. My sister said I didn't even move a muscle, in a static position she said. I am worried. I don't want my physical conditions to disturb my learning and studying routines. I am taking 3 plus 1 classes this semester. 2 prerequisite, 1 core and 1 sit-in. All with great educators and meaningful lessons.

Oh dear... I have to totally change my lifestyle and my diet. For the betterment. As Dila always said, "Long, otak kau sangat bernilai untuk memperjuangkan nasib anak bangsa. Kau kena sihat untuk berjuang." Hmmm... She might have some points.